Just Go!

As I said a while ago I have been expanding my horizons and reading other blogs, including cheater blogs. Why? I don’t know because they tend to infuriate me. All the same stupid excuses. All the same thinking.

I find myself constantly perplexed by their dilemma of whether or not to leave the spouse. It seems to me it would be a no-brainer. I mean, they talk about how the spouse (usually the wife, but sometimes the husband) doesn’t meet their needs, they’re not sexually compatible or never have sex period, they live like roommates, the spouse doesn’t understand them, blah blah blah. Of course, the mistress (or lover occasionally) always gets them. She’s always so hot, so wonderful, so sexy, so terrific in bed. He thinks about her constantly and she’s the love of his life, his soul mate, blah blah blah.

Yet these people continue to deliberate over whether or not to leave the spouse. What is the big decision here? They talk about their spouse like she is a burden while the whore they’re fucking is a goddess. The wife can do no right and the whore can do no wrong. So how is there even a decision left to make? Why not leave and go be with the perfect one?

Let me guess! You have kids. You have entangled finances. You have shared real estate holdings. You own a business together. He makes very good money, allowing you a very nice lifestyle you don’t want to give up. Divorce is just so hard!

Let me tell you something. I had been a stay at home mom for fifteen years, hadn’t had a full time job since April of ’98, had followed CF around the country for 19 years, putting my own career on the back burner, and was completely dependent on my husband. I was 46 years old, had no one lined up to take the husband’s place and honestly believed (and still believe) that divorcing him meant I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I had been living in a new state for only a year, had just bought a new house, new car, new furniture, and had just put a brand new $57,000 pool in our backyard. I had just switched phone companies and entered a new two year contract and had just renewed my license plates for three years. I still had no family close by and all of my friends were 2000 miles away because again, CF had just moved us across the country. I was looking at financial ruin, no support system and a life spent raising two kids on my own, so if I could file for divorce in spite of all of that you can certainly leave and go be with your soul mate.

You act like you are doing us some favor, deliberating over whether or not to stay or go. You are not. You are wasting our time; you are stealing years of our lives. You are taking free choice away from us and forcing us to live lies. We think we’re building a life with you and you’re busy trying to decide if you’re going to keep fucking Schmoopie/Studly Do Right on the side, or if you’re just going to leave us for the whore. We think we have a partner for life, someone with whom we will grow old, and you’re fantasizing about your perfect affair partner who never makes a wrong move while you catalog all of our faults.

One of the things that pisses me off the most about my situation is all the wasted years. I spent over twenty years with that waste of skin. Had he left ten years ago I might have had a chance to make something of my life. Hell, had he left when he was first confronted I might have had a chance! Now, I’m utterly and thoroughly fucked. I have no shot at a career. I have no shot at making any kind of a decent living. I will never come close to having what I had all those years. I wasted my youth on him. I wasted the best years of my life on him.

You want to write down a list of pros and cons for keeping your spouse versus leaving and going with the soul mate? Why bother? Your spouse will never be able to compete with the mirage that is the other person. That person doesn’t live with you. That person doesn’t see you when you’re sick. You’re never harping on her because she didn’t pick up your laundry from the dry cleaner’s, or on him because he didn’t mow the grass. Their only task is to fuck you. The whole relationship is secretive and sexy and the thrill of knowing you’re doing wrong adds to the excitement. You’re in a little cocoon where you don’t have to deal with any real life situations. No one is ever going to have to stop what they’re doing because a kid is calling for them. No, you’ve arranged it so that your cuckolded spouse (or daycare) is taking care of the kids while you run off and fuck your soul mate. Life is perfect with the soul mate. You never fight. You’re never in a bad mood. No one has to figure out the logistics of how to pay the mortgage or what to do about grandparents who won’t listen or who’s going to pick the kids up because you’re relationship is all about the two of you- no one else. You have no distractions because your getaways are secret; you’re having an affair so no one else is going to be involved.

I think this is where Chump Lady’s unified theory of cake comes into play. You like the “kibbles” and you don’t leave because the spouse is doing something for you; you’re getting something out of the marital arrangement. Maybe it’s as basic as taking care of the house and the kids. Or as basic as supporting you or enabling you to live a lifestyle you couldn’t live on your own. Maybe you don’t want to deal with the financial hit you would possibly take, or you don’t want to have to pay child support. Hey, as long as the spouse has no idea there is another person you are free to spend as much of the marital money pot on the soul mate as you want! Once that divorce comes through though you might easily see your income cut in half, if not more. Maybe it’s as simple as the thrill of having multiple people wanting you. I believe Chump Lady would say it boils down to entitlement and the thrill of getting one over on your unknowing spouse.

Seriously, just leave. Go! Get out! Stop wasting your spouse’s life. They deserve to find someone who will love them the way you claim to love your affair partner. They deserve to be first in someone’s life because they sure as hell will never come first in yours. They will always be unfairly compared to the affair partner. They deserve to be with someone who won’t lie to them, cheat on them, betray them, and humiliate them.

You deserve to live your life with your soul mate. It will be fun! I’m sure it will be exactly like you imagined it- sex all the time, no fighting, constant understanding. There will be no bills to pay, no children to take care of, no explanations needed when co-workers and friends notice the change in spouse. Your real life with your soul mate will be all kinds of awesome! Never a bad or dull moment. Your kids will be fine! After all, if you’re happy then they’re happy. Besides, kids are resilient, don’t ya know?

Hey, I’m sure that anyone who would throw all their morals aside (assuming they had any to begin with) to sleep with someone else’s spouse is a perfectly delightful person- a real catch, if you will. In some cases they’ve cheated on their own spouse and told their own set of lies. But don’t worry. They would never do that to you. You are special. You are their soul mate. You understand them. They only lie to less deserving people. That would never be you!

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12 thoughts on “Just Go!

  1. It’s funny that you find yourself reading blogs from the other side just as I find myself reading yours quite frequently. We must enjoy torturing ourselves! Honestly I think we are trying to find some reason somewhere that helps us make sense of this situation. I can tell you are not finding any reason. I’m sorry for that.

    I personally do find meaning from what you write. Even this post which is, as usual, very direct. You are right of course. Just do it. Stop wasting their time. Etc. but there are always gray areas. Nothing is ever quite as black and white as you write it out. I wish that it were, but then I would have no need to write this out.

    The gist of your message is to just pull the bandaid off. Get it over with. However some of us may have hope yet for our marriage. Or we need to wait a short period simply to be humane. It’s a big life decision. I agree that waffling forever while getting some on the side isn’t the right way to do things. Although a few people I’ve seen have just made it their new way of life, and it seems to be working quite well. I wouldn’t advocate for that.

    I’m also learning from you how the impacts of the decisions I have both made and possibly will make can impact my spouse. Because I have a heart and do not care for everyone’s pity like your ex seems to love, I want to move forward with my wife’s interests at heart. What your ex did to you and your children is wrong. It makes me angry to think about. Lesson learned. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The problem that I see is that you’re trying to classify cheaters as two different groups- the good ones and the bad ones. Cheating on your spouse is not a kind thing. It’s not a noble thing. No matter how you try to dress it up it’s still cheating. There is no “good way” to cheat, R, and that seems to be what you’re searching for.

      There will never be a good time to tell your wife you’re cheating. There will never be a good time to tell her you want a divorce either, especially if you’re going to try to convince her that you just “happened” to end up with the so-called family friend/co-worker. I’ve followed along as you’ve written in your blog and from what you’ve written it seems that you’re still smitten with your mistress who can do no wrong, and you’re still supremely disappointed with your wife. She will never measure up. It’s clear in your posts.

      I’m glad my situation is providing you with lessons on what not to do. I hope you are able to stand by your convictions if your wife doesn’t react in the way you’re predicting.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah you’re right. There are good witches and bad witches but no good cheaters? 😉 I know that cheating itself is unkind. I get that. But that is done. I can’t take it back now. What do I do moving forward? This is where I think good and bad comes into play. I could be a supreme asshole such as cousin fucker (love the name – what level of cousins are they?) and destroy my family. Or I could recognize that I made a huge fucking mistake and do all I can for my family. I’m trying to choose the latter.

        There is never a good time to tell her I’m cheating and I hope to not have to. I am going to try to work at my marriage. I know it doesn’t sound like it here because this is where I get to vent. I am going to, but I’m going to be different. I’m going to ask for things that I need. It still may end up in divorce.

        I am still smitten with Meredith. I can’t change how I feel. If somehow all the pieces come into play where we are together what will Wife think? I don’t know. She’s not dumb. She will probably put it together.

        Will I stand by my convictions? Time will tell. But I don’t think I could ever completely turn my back on my wife and children. Ever. She is forever linked to me and I will always care about her and her well being. She may end up hating me, but I have no need to return the favor. It’s not really part of who I am.

        I really appreciate your response. I know you’re busy as hell. I hope this doesn’t come across as mean as if I’m telling you that you’re wrong. Maybe I’m a little delusional still about things. We will see how it all goes. Thank you.

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      2. It doesn’t come across as mean at all. I think you are still a little bit delusional about things but in the end that’s not my problem. I don’t say that in a snarky way but just as in, “Hey, I’m not your wife or your mistress. I’m a stranger on the internet and really nothing you do affects me or my life and vice versa.” Plus, I think that eventually you will come to see reality.

        I honestly hope that things with your wife improves; unfortunately, as long as you’re comparing her to someone else I don’t think they will.

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  2. So true Sam! And sometimes I think the cheater is so dang delusional
    Charles would always say I wanted our marriage to work
    So porking Kendra in parking lots was some sort of in between no mother fucker you wanted me to change you wanted everything for you!!
    Because you are so perfect that gee having an affair helped Charles out so much LOL!!
    Just helped him be more of an asshole
    And to be real I knew something was up with him
    Charles was delusional to how his affair affected him
    I felt so much distance at times and I wanted us to work too
    But I didn’t get a choice
    I didn’t get a fair hand
    I think cheaters talk about their raw end of the deal and waiver
    What about a spouse who notices difference and tries date nights, tried bible studies to figure out what is going on
    Because my husband is not backstabber that never crossed my mind..
    But he is.. and while I was trying he was keeping me down from having a relationship I believed in
    He kept me down on purpose and for what Kendra
    That’s fine be a slut have your slut too but I deserves my own chance to a relationship that is above petty lies and deceit
    But I wasn’t not in his eyes
    I agree just leave seriously
    You really left already and if a cheater thinks their spouse doesn’t know something is up they are wrong.
    I knew but I believed the best about the person I married and thought our distance our hard times just needed help we needed help
    Our relationship would endure
    I was fed lies all for sex on the sides of roads, in our beds, and in Walmart parking lots
    That’s what I got tossed aside for
    It’s pathetic and sad

    Liked by 1 person

    1. One of the things that I see over and over again when reading comments is that it is usually the betrayed spouse that has been giving and giving and giving, and it’s usually the cheater that has been taking and taking and taking.

      I’ve always thought you got a raw deal. It’s bad enough to be cheated on, but when the OP is someone you considered to be your best friend… that has to suck so bad!

      Ultimately, I agree with you. Stop eating cake. Stop trying to get the cheated on spouse to play pick me. If you’re so damn unhappy then just leave.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I’ve done this too. It made me angry as well. I really think when someone cheats on their spouse they go a little crazy. I mean, some of the things that are said and the delusion that this other person is the missing piece to happiness. I mean seriously. Without the kids, he bills, and the day to day stressors of family life, anyone new and effortless would seem perfect 🙄….eye roll city. Stupid cheaters!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s it exactly. I think cheaters get offended sometimes when you point out that affairs are fantasy but you nailed it. There isn’t any of the day to day crap that real life couples must deal with. There aren’t kids screaming and fighting, no bills to pay or stress over, no in-laws or other family relationships to navigate. You’re having an affair. The whole point of the relationship is to have sex so you can bet your sweet bippy that the two of you are going to make that happen. Plus there’s all that sneaking around and getting one over on your spouse.

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  4. It is NOT too late, Sam.

    My father was an oil rigger, an electrician, and found his sweet spot as a welder when his employer laid off everyone and moved it to Mexico when he was 49 years old. He went to nursing school – a fast-paced one so he’d get it done in 2.5 years instead of 4. And he let people know he needed work he could do part-time… and people filled it in. There was no room for pride with 7 children still at home. He makes fantastic money as a traveling nurse now. He’s a 62 year old man in a traditionally-female field and makes twice as much as he ever did in his best year of overtime as a welder.

    You’re selling yourself short – so, so short – Sam. Turn that anger into something!! It’s trite but true… the best revenge is living well. You’re not an old woman and you have a unique perspective. I can totally see you being a great rehab nurse… not taking anyone’s shit.

    Liked by 2 people

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