That’s one of those phrases I despise. “I didn’t leave for my affair partner. He/she just gave me the motivation I needed to leave.” It’s right up there with, “There were already problems in the marriage,” and “I haven’t been happy,” to justify bad behavior.
Jezebel was fond of using that excuse. Cousinfucker used it as well. To be fair, I don’t think he actually said he didn’t leave me for the whore. He just made sure to let our son know that we had many problems and weren’t happy and so that justified him having a girlfriend. And a wife!
You know why this pisses me off so much? One, because it’s a lie. If you’re fucking someone else and you’re married you’re having an affair. It doesn’t matter one little tiny bit how unhappy you are/were, whether or not you had talked about getting a divorce/therapy/support dog, or if the marriage itself had multiple problems stemming back to the Civil War. If you didn’t leave until you were fucking someone else then you left for that person. Despite whatever issues there may have been and despite whatever ill feelings you may have had you didn’t get your ass in gear and file for a divorce until this new fuck buddy showed up. In other words, you didn’t get a divorce because you were unhappy, sweetie pie; you got a divorce because you finally found a suitable immediate replacement.
Two, it goes back to what I wrote about in Just Go! Just Go! These people are wasting other people’s time. They are cowards. They sit around whining about how unhappy they are, how the spouse makes shit pies for them and slyly serves them up to them, and lists every misdeed and utter failure of their spouse but they just can’t seem to cut the cord until, oh golly gee, lookie there- a fresh piece of ass! Getting a divorce with no one around is haaaaarrrd. But now they’ve got someone new to warm their bed. Now they’ve got someone new telling them how wonderful they are, how pretty or handsome or sexy they are. Most importantly, they have someone who assures them that the big bad spouse has treated them horribly and they, the shiny new affair partner, will never treat them like that. Life will be blissful with your new soul mate. Now they can take that next step. Divorcing because you’re unhappy is difficult, time consuming, financially devastating, and basically not something that needs to be rushed. But divorcing because you’ve got yourself a new fuck buddy… well, now that’s something we can do! Of course, we’ll have to stress to everyone that we didn’t leave for the new fuck buddy. Oh gosh no! There were problems galore in the marriage. Divorce was inevitable (it was just a matter of finding a replacement, right?). The cheated on spouse had it coming!
Also a point of contention for me is the fact that cheaters lie. I’m sure there are a few people out there who are quite honest about their cheating, and by honest I mean they lay it all out there.
Oh, my spouse is wonderful. Couldn’t ask for a better partner. I love my husband/wife and have no intentions of leaving ever. Does he/she do terrible things? No, not at all. Are they bitter/mean/hateful/angry? Again, no, not at all. No horrible personality traits. He/she doesn’t rage at me, throw shit at my head, threaten to leave me, or refuse to talk to me. In fact, my spouse is delightful in every way. I would go so far as to describe him/her as my soul mate, my very best friend. We have tons of fun together, have many similar interest and hobbies. I’m telling you, my spouse is great. Have they withdrawn sex? Oh God no! We have sex all the time. She/he is fantastic in bed. I just like to fuck a lot of people and my spouse can’t be multiple people. This is just casual sex for me. No, I don’t love you. No, you’re not special. No, we’re not soul mates. No, I’m not going to leave for you. I just want to fuck you.
I’m not sure that would get a lot of play. It certainly wouldn’t get the play that the poor sad sap story with the horrible husband or wife who doesn’t understand them and refuses to meet their needs gets. Other people eat that shit up! Oh, this person would never lie to me! Only to their spouse that they promised to love and honor for the rest of their life. The person they made a commitment to. Because they’re so horrible and they deserve it if you really think about it. If they were a better person then my true love wouldn’t have to cheat on them and make me into the other woman/other man.
That brings me to yet another point. If you love someone why would you want to drag them down like that? No one is going to believe that story about not leaving for them. If you’ve got kids, especially older kids, they’re probably not going to care about the fact that you weren’t too terribly happy with their other parent. They’re going to care about the fact that their lives are being upended. Thanks to your true love. They’re probably going to be much more affected by their other parent crying and rapidly losing weight due to the stress of finding out their partner is cheating on them than by the parent who is giddy with excitement because of their good fortune to be able to discard one person and start all over with another. So now your kids dislike your true love, perhaps partly out of loyalty to the other parent, perhaps due to the fact that you have screwed up their damn lives for your own selfish endeavors. They refuse to have anything to do with him/her, or worse, they’re flat out disrespectful to him/her. In some cases, that is exactly what happens. The kids are willing to have a relationship with the parent but they make it clear the soul mate is to stay the hell away from them. So now, the cheater is in a position of needing to choose between the soul mate and their children. Not an enviable position. Well, not one for most people. I think for cheaters it’s quite easy. They’ll toss those kids aside the minute they interfere with them getting laid.
But assuming you are one of the “good” cheaters, one who wants to remain in the kids’ lives, how do you feel about relegating your soul mate to the fringes of your life when your kids are around? Do you think he or she is really going to appreciate having to stay home every time little Aidan or Emily has a school performance? Do you think Schmoopie will have no problem with not being invited to the graduations, graduation parties, weddings, birthday parties for grandchildren, funerals, etc.? And do you really want to do all of that by yourself? Wasn’t part of the reason you couldn’t get divorced until you found a replacement because you’re so afraid of doing anything on your own? Now you’re going to go through all of these big life events for your kids all by yourself? It should be doubly fun if the ex-spouse’s new spouse is allowed to attend. Hey, that person didn’t break up a marriage!
There’s a good chance other people will already know what has happened, or they will find out. Bosses, co-workers, friends of the former couple, family, teachers. Once that happens there is a good chance your true love is going to be treated like an outcast, a home wrecker, like the whore (male or female) they are. You’ll probably fare okay with the in-laws. Blood is thicker than water and most of them seem only too happy to forget or ignore what their precious offspring has done. Occasionally you run into a set of in-laws who has been very close with the spouse and who doesn’t forgive adultery simply because it’s their own child who is committing it. In those cases, the soul mate might not be welcome at family functions. Now you have to kick your entire family to the curb. Wow- I hope the sex is worth it.
But again, I ask, why would you put a person you purport to love in that position where people look upon him or her with scorn and derision? Why would you turn that person into a home wrecker? Why would you put him or her into a position where people talk about them or ostracize them? Doesn’t seem very loving to me. Then again, I think most people play the odds and figure most people excuse adultery and it won’t be a big deal. If you’re young enough you can make a few replacement kids to take the place of those big brats that won’t celebrate your unique love with Schmoopie.
Ultimately, it comes down to this:
I hate divorce. I hate it with a passion and I never would have left CF no matter how bad it got. I made a commitment and I intended to follow through with it. I also want to point out that while the final 6-8 months of the marriage were bad thanks to him we had actually been doing quite well before that, so it’s not like I was resigned to living in misery. I was never resigned to living in misery; I always felt like I had a choice to either be happy with him or to find other outlets to make me happy. Nonetheless, I don’t believe the point of divorce is to switch one partner out for another.
If there are problems in your relationship and despite talking it out, going to counseling, and trying everything you still can’t make it work, then by all means divorce. But do so honestly. Don’t wait until you have someone new before you take the plunge. That’s not fair at all to your spouse. It’s especially not fair when they have no idea the extent of your unhappiness. Basically, you end up keeping all these feelings inside of you until finally your supposed soul mate ventures into your sights, and then you’re seeking divorce while planning a new life with someone new. Meanwhile, your spouse is being blindsided with a one-two punch- first the news of te divorce and then the news that there is someone else.
I have to admit I find it more than a little curious that there are all these unhappy spouses out there with a laundry list of faults and infractions committed by the spouse. Yet, they stay. The marriage is so awful they need to fuck someone else, but it’s not so awful that they might consider divorce up until that point that they have their spouse’s replacement.
It also goes back to that saying: Wherever you go, there you are. You’re still you. You haven’t changed anything in regards to the way you deal with the problems in your relationship. You’ve changed partners but you haven’t changed anything else. Sure, life with Schmoopie will be great. At first. Every relationship has its problems. Every person has their faults. Love and sex (especially sex) can cover up those faults and problems for a while (look at Tracie Andrews’ poor dead fiancé) but they all come out in the wash eventually. Sometimes I think it’s even harder for those who have been in affairs because this is the person you left your spouse for; in some case it’s the person you left your kids for. When those faults and problems come out it’s like a double whammy. I gave up everything for this? Since you never learned how to resolve problems in a relationship because your solution was to go outside of the relationship, when problems come up with Schmoopie, well, there you are. You didn’t learn anything. You probably won’t talk it out. You’ll wait for your next true love to walk by and fall on or into your nether regions. Naturally, it will only be because you weren’t happy and the soul mate wasn’t meeting your needs. No one can say you left for the new soul mate. There were already problems in the relationship so this new soul mate just helped to put things into motion. Hmmm…. that sounds familiar.