I was sitting at home Friday night, fresh as a daisy after my thirteen hour day. Ha ha. That’s a joke. No, actually that’s sarcasm. A friend from work invited me out for drinks with her and some of the women she works with at her other job. I was going to go but needed to go home and change first. My feet were killing me because I stood all day. I got home, took off my boots and decided I was too comfortable to move. I stayed in instead.
Later that night I got a message on Facebook from CF’s relative that I wrote about before, the one who told me how sorry she was about everything that had happened. She said we hadn’t spoken in a while and she was just checking up on me to see how I was doing.
I’m nothing if not honest. I told her I was “eh”. There was some chitchat and her hope that I had a good support system because she recognized that it couldn’t be easy to do everything on my own. She asked how the kids were doing and when I told her Picasso had adjusted from day 1 she cautioned me that the quiet ones are always the ones you need to watch out for. I let her know that he was fine and as far as he was concerned his dad was dead. I also told her it wasn’t much of a leap seeing as how he never did much with them when we were married. She said she was sorry and that she didn’t realize it had been that bad. Hell, I didn’t realize it had been that bad so who could blame her? I didn’t find out about Picasso longing to have a dad who would do things with him until well after all this had gone down. She went on to tell me she had reached out to CF because she was concerned about a mutual friend. She told me he was still family and it was none of her business what had happened between us but she did encourage him to mend fences with all of us because “divorce happens, but parenthood is a lifetime commitment.”
I ignored that bit and decided to concentrate on the mutual friend. I let her know that he occasionally checked up on me and had offered to talk to CF for me. I also told her I had told him not to bother.
We talked about dogs and how my very own pooch has been waking me up in the middle of the night (as if I don’t already have to get up practically in the middle of the night anyway!). I told her I probably wouldn’t get another dog after my 3 die. I was done with dogs, done with men and done with babies. Ends up she’s a big softie and said that while she had said the same thing she knew she was the type of person who would see a box of puppies and end up taking them all home. She then goes on to ask if she’s mentioned that her brother has a retired, single twin brother? I reiterated that I was absolutely done.
She’s been through a divorce herself and said she had felt the same way. She figured she would either be a hermit or a lesbian and since she didn’t like girls that way, well, hermit it would be. But then of course, her husband came along and swept her off her feet and now she’s blissfully happy.
I’m so sick and tired of hearing how this divorce is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me and how I’ll find love and happiness again someday so I was in a pretty snarky mood. I told her everyone keeps telling me that but it’s really difficult to meet someone when you work 6 days a week and go to bed at 8 or 9 if you’re afforded the luxury. I added on for good measure that I probably should have started dating while I was married and that the only person who would be remotely interested in me would undoubtedly be some sort of predator.
Seriously, folks, that’s the point I’m at. Someone who thinks I’m vulnerable and weak would be about the only person interested in me. I’m middle aged, I’m fat, I live with my mother, I don’t even have a bed, much a less a bedroom to call my own. I no longer have any furniture or even very many belongings to call my own. I’m in the middle of a divorce from a man who chose his fucking gold digging whore of a cousin over me. I have 2 teenage kids that I can barely support and I work 2 fucking jobs, neither of which are very impressive or well paying. Quite honestly, if I met a man with those same qualities I would not be interested in him so how on earth could I possibly think that someone would be interested in me with all those oh so lovely things going on? One or two of them? Sure! The whole damn list? Not a chance!
Anyway, she goes on to tell me that my schedule doesn’t really leave much time for anything like dating right now and that I should do what I need to do to be happy in my own skin and with my own company.
She obviously has no idea that I’ve done that my entire marriage. And again, I go back to the fact that I work 6 days a week. I work 13 hour days, even if I’m not actually at work and working for those entire 13 hours. In fact, I found out before leaving yesterday that I will probably be working until 7:15 on Monday, so I get to look forward to a 16 hour day.
Gosh, this is all so worth it if Cousinfucker is happy. If me working 16 hours a day means that he’s able to live a life of leisure and spend his days fucking his whore cousin and being a fantastic father to her four fucking kids who already have a father, then I say bring on the hours! Who cares if he was an awful father to our own? If he’s a great daddy to them then that’s all that matters.
Back to the conversation: She says that once I remember I am a strong, fantastic woman other people will see it, too. If I’m meant to be on my own then be happy. Be me. Don’t go out with someone just to have something to do or because it’s expected. Apparently, I am amazing and fabulous and have plenty of time to be picky about who I spend time with.
I thanked her but told her I wasn’t going to waste my time again and that honestly I was just hoping for an early death. I would prefer a heart attack or brain aneurysm. I wasn’t looking for anything violent; I would prefer not to get stabbed or shot or killed in a car accident. In the end I decided I would probably prefer to go with the aneurysm because the heart attack might hurt.
She concluded that I probably shouldn’t talk to our mutual friend because he was going through some dark times as well. I think she might have been afraid that we would feed off of each other and end up in a suicide pact or something. She told me that I had been through hell and that I deserved to be happy.
I believe I wrote before that although we’ve been Facebook friends for some time I’ve never actually met her in real life. We didn’t really interact much either although we would comment on each other’s posts and like pictures and stuff.
I want to reiterate that because although I think she’s a really neat person and her heart seems genuine I’m not sure this a relationship I can keep going.
When she first apologized for opening a big can of worms and I told her what happened, she really seemed to get it. She was the only person who has actually had an ounce of sympathy for me and my kids and what they’ve gone through (as far as that family goes). I kind of feel all that goes out the window though once you start talking about how “he’s still family” and “it’s none of my business what went on between the two of you.”
Well, I agree; it’s not automatically your business, but I’ve opened up and shared with you what did go on. Your cousin ripped me out of my home of eight years, moved me across the country to get closer to his fucking cousin/mistress, cheated on me, lied to me, and eventually moved out of the damn state without saying a word to any of us. Now, if I hadn’t mentioned any of that, or said, “I don’t want to talk about it,” or “What business is it of yours anyway?” then she would have a point. It would be none of her business. But now she knows. Now it is her business. And honestly, if you feel it’s none of your business then why bother reaching out to him to encourage him to “mend fences” with all of us?
Honey, I assure you, there is no fence to mend. That sonofabitch better stay far, far away from me. His kids want nothing to do with him. They know what he is. As Rock Star has said many times, “If he were truly sorry about what he has done, he wouldn’t still be with the whore.” Okay, I added the whore part; she just said “her”. Picasso has declared his dad is dead to him and mocks him whenever the chance arises. I used to say that if he were on fire I wouldn’t piss on him. Right now if he were on fire I would throw gasoline on him. I will never mend fences with him. We will never have a civil relationship. I will never think fondly of him. I will never wish him well. I want nothing to do with that sociopathic lying cheater. I hope he dies a long, painful death. I hope he finds out the whore has been cheating on him since day 1, that she was taking his money and fucking her husband at the same time and that she’s still cheating on him and plans to leave him right at the same time he finds out he has an incurable, fatal disease.
That’s how I feel about him. I know it’s not kind and loving. I don’t care. I’m not kind and loving when it comes to people who lie to me, who cheat on me, who betray me, who humiliate me. They deserve no such thing. If I’m honest I want the people who supposedly support me to feel the same way about him. There’s no half assing it with this kind of shit. You’re either with me or you’re against me.
I don’t feel like I can be brutally honest with her because my truth is I hate his guts. I hate Harley’s guts. I think they are both awful, repellent people and anyone who can joke with them or like shit on their Facebook page or lend them support or encouragement or tell them how great they look or how wonderful they are is not someone I want in my corner. I don’t know that she’s done any of that, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she has. Unfortunately, their so-called happiness was achieved at the expense of me and my children. I want “my people” to acknowledge that, not make excuses for it. There are going to be times when she asks me how things are going and I’m going to be pissed off. I’m going to want to vent and call him names and talk about what a gold digging whore I think Harley is. It’s not going to be pretty and I’m not sure she’s up for that. I think she would prefer to keep things upbeat and neutral. I’m not neutral.
I don’t want to imply that she has been anything but great, supportive, sympathetic, etc. I don’t feel like she’s running back to him and telling him anything I may have said. But, as she also pointed out, he’s family. That will always be the bottom line.
I don’t post much on Facebook. I have nothing of interest to post anymore. There is not much exciting or good that happens to me anymore so I’m very quiet. Occasionally I will post something funny that one of my kids has said, or I’ll post a picture of one of them. But I don’t talk about my 3 jobs I’ve had over the last 6 months or the fact I was forced out of my house and forced to leave all my belongings behind or my impending divorce or the fact that my husband likes to fuck his cousin or the fact that I moved back in with my mother at age 47. Not right now anyway. Oh, don’t worry. I will. Once this is all over I’m going to hang out that dirty laundry like you wouldn’t believe. Hell, I may run a new update daily. Anyone who doesn’t like it can unfriend or unfollow me because after the hell I’ve been through I can assure pretty much anyone that them not liking my Facebook status updates is low, low, low on the list of things that I give even the teeniest tiniest of fucks about.
Currently, I think the plan is going to be letting her be in control of the conversation. I won’t reach out to her but if she reaches out to me then I’m going to be honest when she asks me things. Once the divorce is final I’m going to blast away on Facebook. If she can’t tolerate the things I say about her relative then I’m sure she’ll unfriend or unfollow. That’s up to her.
I’m kind of sad. I thought I finally found one person who got it. I suppose you can never expect their family members to get it. Lesson learned.