Although I have been drifting peacefully off to sleep imagining intercepting all their communications, and her naked pictures, so I would know exactly what all was said and promised… I have come to the conclusion that that probably would have not been best. I’ve been honest that I really had my head in the sand. There were signs. The two biggest being 1. He had his phone password protected and 2. The whore blocked me the day after he returned from the wedding. I considered spying. I really wanted to spy; I just wasn’t sure how to go about it. But looking back what would I have done? I was able to take a stand because I had had enough of the uncertainty over the course of the summer. If I intercepted their messages I would have known and I would have been forced into action earlier. I truly don’t know if I could have spent the summer silently stalking them, patiently compiling evidence against them I could use later. If I could hold it together it would have been fun. I’m not sure I could have held it together, though. Knowing all summer long and not being able to do anything about it? I think it would have killed me. I’m pretty sure I could have converted it into an extremely one sided divorce settlement under the threat of showing the kids all their text messages. And I could have blackmailed Harley into listening to me as I told her how I was going to make their life together a living Hell. Hang up on me one more time, bitch, and I’ll send your naked pictures to everyone you know. Plus, I just would have known. I’d know everything instead of bits and pieces. That would be sweet.
I know there are those who push the philosophy that if the answer to the question will hurt instead of heal you shouldn’t ask it and the cheating spouse shouldn’t answer. I say fuck that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (although I may have read it and stolen it). When your spouse has an affair and you’re trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild it’s like you’re looking at a puzzle. You, as the betrayed spouse, are only looking at parts of the puzzle. Your spouse and the OW know what the entire puzzle looks like. When he refuses to answer the questions he’s refusing to let you see the entire puzzle. I think those that push the “don’t ask/answer hurtful questions” are thinking of themselves. I don’t think they have a right to decide for another what they should know or not know. It’s all about protecting themselves and not having to deal with the fallout of their fuckup. It’s them saying they know the answer is going to hurt and there will probably be fallout and you’re just not worth having to trudge through all of that again. It’s them saying they don’t want to have to do anything that’s difficult. They want to focus on what you did wrong to make them cheat; they want to focus on correcting that so they don’t have to look at their behavior. And they want to focus on the future where they never again have to discuss their affair.
I get to decide for myself what is too much and I’d rather know everything so I’m not blindsided by his whore or some family member.
Present Day Sam Says: Sam doesn’t give a lot of advice because Sam feels like everyone needs to do what is right for themselves and she doesn’t know what she’s doing anyway. However, Sam will make an exception right here. 1. If your spouse has his/her phone glued to his/her side and it’s password protected he/she is having an affair! You can pretty much bet on it. 2. Don’t ever let them get away with insisting that telling you the truth will only hurt you. If you don’t want the information, fine. But if you do you have every right to every bitter, nasty detail. It’s the least you deserve. Keeping the truth from you is for their benefit, not yours. Do. Not. Let. Your. Spouse. Get. Away. With. This. Utter. Bullshit. You wanna know if he/she is truly remorseful? Does he/she answer your questions honestly or does he/she tell you that this would only cause you pain and you need to focus on the future and creating a better relationship? If it’s the latter they’re not one bit sorry. They are looking out for themselves. Don’t fool yourself. They don’t want to listen to you bitch. They don’t want to do the hard work. They want it to all go back to the way it was before they were discovered, back in the days when they could play you like a fool. If you want that information then insist upon it. Oh, sure, they’ll probably still lie but you can let them know you won’t be dropping it anytime soon and if you find out the facts on your own there will be hell to pay.