I was reading one of my favorite infidelity websites. Is that an oxymoron or what? The topic was why does he stay? I’ve been honest that I still sometimes wonder if he stayed because of the kids. Hell, for all I know he called her and said, “Baby, I’m all yours!” and she said, “Uh, no thank you.” And that’s when he decided I wasn’t that bad after all. Now, he insists he knew he loved me June 13th when I confronted him. He can’t quite explain why he was such a dick to me then. And of course there’s that little mystery of why, if he knew he loved me and wanted me, he continued his affair with her. He doesn’t have an answer for that.
Anyway, a popular approach to this vexing question seems to be: What does it matter why he picked you? He chose you. Now you can begin to do the hard work of rebuilding your marriage.
Oh yea! That’s exactly what I want to do when I’m the second choice or the choice of convenience. I mean, I get why that advice is there. It sounds sound. Hahaha. I crack myself up. But does that really cut it for most of us? No, we want to know he stayed because he realized he had made a huge mistake and he is madly in love with us. I don’t want to deal with him pining away for her. I don’t want to know he’s constantly wondering, “What if…?” Again, I am probably a cut your nose off to spite your face kinda gal but I wouldn’t want my husband under those conditions. You either want me or you want your whore. If you want me it had better be because you love me and realize what you’re going to lose. If I find out later you’ve chosen me because you don’t want to miss out on your kids’ lives, or a divorce would be too expensive, or you don’t know if you can really bridge that long distance gap or she isn’t ready to leave her husband or, or, or… Then I don’t want you. This crap quickly gets hard and I’m not wading through shit for someone that’s not madly in love with me. I don’t care if the feelings eventually come back. I don’t care if he eventually realizes he’s in love and very happy. I don’t care if the end result is he’s happy and he knows I’m the one for him. He had better feel all that before I agree to work on this marriage with him because agreeing to do so with no guarantee that will happen is just not for me. As I said it’s hard work and I’m not willing to do it for some selfish ass that thinks he’s thrown away his only chance for happiness and is resigned to living a life of misery with me. Or willing to see if he can transform his misery with me into something bearable to withstand another 10 years or so of marriage.
Present Day Sam Says: Yet another lesson to share with you all. If the cheating spouse is trying to figure out which one to pick, is mooning over the other person, and has basically chosen you because it’s the honorable thing to do and their happiness no longer means anything, run. Seriously. Set them free. Cut them loose. It’s not worth it. Plus, you will always be blamed for any problems or unhappiness they are feeling.
In my situation I didn’t even get the ten years. It was less than two and he was out there fucking around with the exact same whore. I’ll give him this much. He played a good game. He was an excellent con man. I sometimes actually believed him when he said he had made a horrible mistake with her and that I was the one he really loved and wanted, and that he wanted his family.
Here we are not quite two and a half years later and he’s living with the whore. He walked out on all of us. He hasn’t set eyes on his kids in over a year. Yep, he really valued all of us.
So folks, if they’re not staying because they realize they have made a huge mistake and they’re willing to spend the rest of their lives making it up to you and they will withstand your anger and your sadness as long as it takes? Get rid of them. It will never be the marriage you deserve.