My Birthday In Retrospect

I had a birthday this year. I’ve had one every year since I’ve been alive. This year’s was quite different.

When I was younger I always had a party. Sometimes they were slumber parties. As I got older the parties faded away, although they were always noticed by friends and family. One year, in fact, my friends surprised me with a party.

After marrying CF birthdays sort of became blah. He would generally buy me something that I had asked for, but there was no big extravaganza. He even mentioned once that he should do better and he was going to try because he knew birthdays were important to me.

There was one year when we went out with friends on my birthday and I got a cake. We were at a bar and the lead singer was singing to me. CF actually got jealous. Yeah, he was just singing to me because it was my birthday. Try imaging me going off and fucking someone else after moving you and tearing your life to shreds.

I had children and would throw huge parties for them. Seriously. I remember Rock Star having parties with around 20 kids in attendance and sometimes even more than that when you counted in the adults. They were fantastic times with great food, cakes I usually decorated myself, goodie bags for all the kids, and alcohol for the adults. Gradually she eased into having her party outside of our home but I would almost always invite people back to the house for cake and ice cream.

At some point I decided, “Hey! Why am I throwing such a huge fuss over the kids and their birthdays and then completely ignoring mine? If I can throw a party for kids, I can throw a party for my damn self!” So I did.

We painted pottery and then headed to a Japanese steakhouse for dinner, and after dinner we went bowling. It was a day long event and I had a blast. That was probably the last time my birthday was celebrated in a big way.

I had hoped CF would have enough insight to throw me a party for my 40th but that was a no-go. My best friend did fly in to surprise me, though, so that was an awesome surprise. He had no hand it, mind you.

One year my mom was out visiting for my birthday. She bought me a cake because I told her CF didn’t usually buy me one. Naturally, he shows up with a cake, looking incredulous that I could say he doesn’t buy me a cake. He didn’t.

Last year my birthday was okay. I thought about deactivating my Facebook page but I didn’t. I don’t even really remember what I did for it but I don’t remember it being especially traumatic, what with it being my first birthday without a husband. Or, at least facing divorce.

This year, however, I simply couldn’t deal. I was about as low as a person could get. I deactivated my Facebook page the night before so I didn’t have to look at everyone wishing me a happy birthday and hoping I had a fantastic day and a wonderful year. Do you know what I did on my birthday? I worked. I worked from 4-7am and then I turned around and worked all day at the bank. When I wasn’t working I was crying. I’m pretty sure I cried on the way to and from my first job and then I cried some more once I got back home. I probably cried again on my way to job #2 as well. It was not a fantastic day. I did not anticipate a wonderful year. I was fully expecting more shit, just like I had been served for months and months. I was in no mood.

The night before I thought I was perhaps up to going out and celebrating by going out to dinner, like we are prone to do in this family, but by the time noon had rolled around I wanted no part of that either. I was all set to go home and eat popcorn for dinner.

My brother, however, had other plans. He and his family showed up with steaks, green beans and macaroni and cheese. He grilled the steak bites up and cooked the green beans and his wife made the mac and cheese. They even brought over an ice cream cake and my niece gave me a lovely card filled with sweet sentiments.

One of my wonderful friends sent me flowers and the next day I got another bouquet from an equally wonderful friend, one whom I have known since fifth grade.

I didn’t get bombarded with Happy Birthday messages on Facebook but close friends reached out and texted me. I appreciated that so much more than umpteen messages from practical strangers on Facebook.

My daughter posted something wonderful and kind about me, although I didn’t see it until the next day. She had tried to tag me in it but because I was deactivated it never showed up on my page. That resulted in a few birthday wishes, including one from the in-law who keeps trying to reach out while maintaining a relationship with CF and the whore.

I did reactivate my page the two days later and got a few questions from people, wondering if they had missed my birthday. I was honest and told them I had deactivated my page.

Quite honestly I think I’ll probably deactivate it next year as well, only I’ll keep it deactivated a longer period of time. I’m just not into celebrating my birthday anymore.

On the topic of Facebook I recently changed my profile and cover pictures. Ever since I was confronted with CF’s first affair I have gone through periods where I just feel incredibly bad about myself. During those periods I feel ugly and I don’t want anyone to see me so I end up getting rid of most of my public pictures. Right now I have one of my dogs as my profile picture and a nature shot for my cover picture. I also took off four out of the five featured photos Facebook now offers. The only one that made the cut was one that didn’t feature me.

I suppose at some point I’ll put new pictures up. God knows the whore is all over Facebook, showing off her fat face and grinning from ear to ear. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is the smile of a whore who is sleeping with another woman’s husband and who feels absolutely no guilt about it. She is definitely a keeper.

Thanks to Facebook I also know that there is a plan in place for my 30 year class reunion. So many of my classmates seem so excited about this. I am not one of them. I have no plans to go presently.

I’m trying to be more positive, especially seeing as how I just got my back support (or most of it anyway) but I’m not quite there yet. I still see myself as an incredible failure most days.

I envision going to this reunion and chatting with classmates. When talk turns to what I’ve been up to what can I possibly say?

Well, let’s see. Since our 20 year reunion I moved back east of the Mississippi. To make my husband happy I left behind a full and active life and made my kids do the same. My husband and I bought a gorgeous 4000 sq. ft. home, filled it with brand new furniture, put an inground pool in the backyard and then I found out he was fucking his cousin. That happened less than a year after we had moved. I lost my house and was forced to move back here. I live with my mom, share a bedroom with her, and sleep on the couch. I work two jobs- one stocking shelves and the other working as a teller in a bank. I make $11/hour. My kids and I are on Medicaid; my kids get free lunches and free textbooks. The coaches feel sorry for my poor kid so they offer to pay for “needed” camps and new running shoes. We’ve gone from living in the top 1-3% of the socioeconomic population to living in the bottom 10%. Basically, I’m 48 years old, out of high school for 30 and I now realize I have completely wasted my life. Instead of doing something important like working and forging a career so I could support myself when my husband left me I chose to follow my husband all over the country and stay at home to raise my kids. Huge mistake.  Loved being at home with them but that doesn’t pay the bills now that their dad is off fucking his cousin. I am pretty much a failure. If not for my mother, my kids and I would be living in a homeless shelter or maybe my car because even working two jobs I don’t make enough money to pay rent and utilities. I cannot take care of my kids on my own because of my horrible life choices. So that’s my life in a nutshell since graduation when all kinds of amazing possibilities still existed and I had my entire life ahead of me.

I suppose if the shit eating chimp is actually paying his support obligations at the time of the reunion I might possibly go. At that point I’ll be just another divorced woman. I can still tell my story and blow people’s minds with the idea of him having sex with his cousin, but at least I might be able to add, “I took him to the cleaners in the divorce. Now I live off of a very hefty support settlement while HE works two job.” That would be somewhat satisfying. (Considering he thinks he’s going to get out of paying what the judge ordered and he’s offering up a pittance in support I don’t see this happening.)

However, I’m not counting on anything. I’m not counting on him actually paying his monthly support. I’m not counting on him being able to continue working and staying sober. I’m not even counting on getting anywhere close to what I want in the divorce settlement. Hell, at the time of the reunion I may very well still be married.

In the end I have no desire to go. I went to the 10 and 20 year ones and had a good time. By the 25th I was no longer feeling it. I can’t say that I’m all that excited about going. There might be a few people I wouldn’t mind seeing but overall the people I wish to see, I see already.

On the plus side I am feeling a little bit better about things. I’d prefer it if I was the one making six figures, instead of it being him with me relying on support payments. But, I’ll take what I can get right now. You’ve got to crawl before you can walk, right?

The Platinum Rose of Doom

December 2014

Today is our anniversary. 20 years. It’s going OK so far. I had a brief moment where I thought, “Wow! 20 years with the same person. What an achievement.” And then I realized it really wasn’t because I was not the only person for 20 years. He cheated on me with Harley. He told her he loved her, that our marriage was dead. He told his sister he loved Harley and that she made him happy. He told his nephew he was going to marry her.

So, Happy Anniversary. 20 years. 2nd anniversary we’ve celebrated since you cheated on me. 1 year post affair. I suppose that’s how they’ll all be counted from now on. See why I don’t post it on my page? That’s a huge mouthful and I’m not sure everyone would be comfortable with all that information. And yet, it feels kind of false to mention 20 years and not put the asterisk by it. I mean, if I’m going to celebrate 20 years of marriage and have people gush, “Happy Anniversary!” to me then I would prefer they know the truth.

Them: Wow- 20 years. That’s a lot of years. Same person for 20 years. Me: Oh, we only made it 20 years because I didn’t leave his ass summer of 2013 when I found out he was fucking around with Harley Buttwipe WhoreFace. It’s not been the same person for 20 years. It’s been me and at least one whore.

He bought me a very expensive platinum dipped rose in a display box. I guess 20 years is platinum. He was very, very proud of it. Said he researched it and everything. He told me I should take a picture of it and post it. Maybe I’ll do that here. I didn’t want to disappoint him and tell him I no longer announce our anniversary. And I can’t exactly post a picture of a rose, dipped in platinum and colored blue, announcing he bought it for me for no reason. Maybe I could post it and just say: Here is the gift Zack bought me. He was very proud of it and wanted me to post it on Facebook. Ta-da! If anyone asks why he bought it I can lie and say it’s an early Christmas present. Hey- maybe that’s how I should view all anniversary gifts from now on. An early Christmas gift.

I’m not thrilled with the gift, if I’m being honest. I can see it now. Someone comes over, notices the flower in a case, hanging on the wall, and asks about it. Me: Oh that? That’s a real flower dipped in platinum. I got that for our 20 year anniversary. He researched it and everything. Some women get jewelry or trips for their 20th anniversary, but not me! No, I have a genuine rose dipped in platinum to hang on my walls and mock me forever. Could have bought me diamonds. Hell, he could have stuck with the theme and bought me platinum jewelry. But no, I have a platinum dipped rose. I’m so lucky. And the best part is he spent $175 on this! $100 for the flower itself and $75 for the case. SMDH

In conclusion this anniversary doesn’t suck. The gift kinda does, and I feel bad about that because I know he’s really proud of it. I’m not ready to cry like I was last year. I’m not thinking of leaving him. So I guess that’s good.

Present Day Sam Says: Little did I know at the time that this was the last anniversary we would “celebrate” again. Eight months later to the day I would find out he was once again involved with Harley. I would spend my next “anniversary” with my kids.

Pot Roast! Get Your Pot Roast Here!

Because so many people come to an infidelity blog to get new recipes I am including two different pot roast recipes. Both are cooked in the crockpot and both are delicious! I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

To Die For Pot Roast

Ingredients:

1 envelope Hidden Valley Ranch dressing

1 envelope brown gravy mix

1 envelope Italian dressing

2-3 pound cut of meat of your choice

1/2 cup water

Directions:

1. Mix the 3 envelopes of seasonings together in a bowl. Pour over the meat, which should already be in the crockpot.
2. Add the water and cook on low for 6-8 hours, along with whatever vegetables you would like. I usually use small red potatoes, carrots, squash, and mushrooms.

That’s it! Wasn’t that easy?

The above recipe was my go-to recipe for pot roast for the longest time. For a change I’ll sometimes use the following recipe.

Vegas Meets Mississippi Pot Roast

Ingredients:

1 3 lb chuck roast
1 packet of dry Ranch dressing mix
1 packet of dry Au Jus mix
1 stick of butter
5 – 6 pepperoncini

Directions:

1. Place the roast in the crockpot and sprinkle with Ranch dressing mix and Au Jus mix on top.
2. Top with one stick of butter cut into chunks.
3. Cook on low for 6-8 hours.
4. If you are feeling adventurous you can remove the meat from the crockpot and cover. Then pour the remaining liquid from the crockpot into a saucepan on the stove, bring it to a boil and add a mixture of corn starch and water (or flour and water) to thicken it.

You can also choose to shred the meat and serve it with the gravy on top, or serve it in chunks. Your choice.

This recipe is equally delicious. I highly recommend both!

Pansy Ass Zack’s Got More Problems. Who Could Have Guessed?

December 2014

One final update. Zack’s anxiety is worse than ever. I seriously wonder how he was able to carry on a double life for 3 1/2 months. I sometimes wonder if he’s still carrying on with the whore and he’s just not sure how to pull the plug on our marriage, maybe fearful of what I’ll do. Sometimes I wonder if all the anxiety is over giving up his true love, his soul mate. He wanted to be with her but felt obligated to be with me and wouldn’t leave his kids. He says all the right things. He acts like he wants to be with me and loves me. But the anxiety attacks are bad. I try not to think about his affair with Harley but I can’t help reminding myself that according to what he told his sister he was happy with her. Harley made him happy. There were no anxiety attacks. He wasn’t a crying mess. There are days I think I ought to release him, tell him to go back to her because obviously she can make him happy and take away the anxiety in ways I can’t. Maybe she wouldn’t make him so happy when she was the only thing he had, but who knows. Maybe I’m all wrong for him. Maybe she’s the right one for him. Maybe my husband likes the taste of whore.

Present Day Sam Says: Ding, ding, ding! We’ve got a winner. He likes the taste of whore. Let’s see how well this plays out once I’m no longer a part of their bizarre love triangle. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll always be there because I intend for him to have to write a very large check out to me for a very long time. I’m sure that will keep them solidly locked together in their hatred of me.

Let’s see how happy she makes him when she’s fucking the neighbor. Let’s see how happy he is when he has to bail her ass out of jail. Let’s see how happy he is when he no longer likes his job but he realizes he’s got a child support obligation and he’s already been in front of the judge once for contempt but he doesn’t want to leave his whore behind. Let’s see how happy they are when the newness wears off and they’re stuck with each other.

 

Anniversaries

December 2014

My in-laws’ anniversary is tomorrow. One week before ours. I’m hoping I don’t slide into a depression with the upcoming date like I did last year. I’m sure my father-in-law will say something to my mother-in-law, or she will say something to him or my sister-in-law will make an announcement. And I’m equally sure that good ol’ Harley will pipe up with her insipid message of love and congratulations. That just never gets old.

Meanwhile we are not doing anything big for our 20th. Why bother? It’s not like it’s a milestone, right? I mean, my nitwit sister-in-law celebrates every anniversary like it’s a huge milestone. I guess when you never actually achieve a long lasting marriage it’s important to celebrate the earlier years like, well, like there’s no tomorrow. Besides, what would we do? We’re here in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no one to take the kids. There is no one to celebrate with. Actually, if we ever did have an anniversary party that would be extremely awkward, so I guess that’s out forever more. I suppose it will be just another day. I’ll get him a card and fuck him and call it good. I don’t think I want anything. What are we celebrating? A marriage marred by cheating repaired? Yippee! Man, anniversaries suck! I can already feel the despair taking over. Shit! I bet there will be all sorts of 20 year anniversary cards out there. Shit, shit, shit! Even when you want to get away from making it out to be a big deal Hallmark sucks you in. I hate this. I hate our anniversary because it makes me so conflicted. I never know if I want to celebrate it, knowing that that will never happen, or if I just want to hibernate through it. They’re so stupid! Why do we even acknowledge them?

Added about a week later: Turns out xxx was the anniversary. I actually kinda remember my MIL telling me she had had it wrong for years. Anyway, of course the whore was full of congratulations and best wishes and geez, I just love you both so much. What do you expect from a whore?

Present Day Sam Says: Sometimes I wonder if seeing this set him off and made him decide there was no winning with me.

I look at it now and while it wasn’t the most complimentary thing I could have written I don’t think it was the worst thing either. I was in a new state. I was without my friends. I was miserable for the most part. I had nothing but time on my hands and for most of it my husband was acting like a colossal ass. He was breaking down constantly, crying.

I’m sure it was because Blockhead told him about my FB page. CF has never coped well with adversity. I’m not sure how in the hell he managed to fight in a war. I truly don’t.

If everything wasn’t perfect, if I wasn’t always 100% happy, then he pouted or threw a fit. He always thought we should be so happy and so grateful for everything he did.

And here’s the rub: *I* was grateful! I knew my life was the way it was because he made good money and made it possible for me to stay at home with my kids and indulge my activities. I wasn’t jumping into his arms every afternoon when he came home; I wasn’t shaking my ass in his face like a dog wags its tail but I was thankful. Unfortunately, CF likes big, bold declarations of a person’s gratefulness. Being upset or unhappy is NEVER allowed. So I failed.

In hindsight I don’t care. I’m glad he knows I never thought he was perfect. I’m glad he knows I struggled with the idea of being married to a cheater, a liar, for the rest of my life.

I was entitled to be hurt. I was entitled to struggle with those feelings, especially when I got so very little support from him and his family.

This isn’t the angry rant of a woman who wants revenge. It’s the ramblings of a woman who had been betrayed and was still trying to make sense of it all, a mere year after finding out.

 

I Think He’s Bugged My House

I kid! But seriously…

Hang onto your hats, folks, because you are NEVER going to believe what I got in the mail today. Another check! Holy crap on a cracker. It was labeled as support for February and it was for … wait for it… $3600. My mouth about dropped open. I was fully expecting to see his bullshit $1500, although I was confused as to why it would come early. He prefers to pay me after the due date.

I think he might have heard me raging and threatening to take his pathetic ass to court if he didn’t cough up my damn money. Or he saw me working that chainsaw and that scared him. But that would require visual surveillance, as well as audio. No, more than likely he’s finally thinking about how he’s going to look going in a courtroom, trying to explain to a judge why it is that he once again is not paying any support.

I do wonder where the money is coming from. He was only supposed to be able to access enough to pay 8 months worth of back support, and he’s only been working for 2 weeks now. If this company operates the way most of the others do he gets paid on the 15th and the last day of the month so where did he come up with this additional money? Hmmm….

Anyway, this news comes on the heels of finding out that my back support has cleared and is officially in my bank account AND my tax return has come in. Hooray! I am in a considerably better mood. Plus, as I said earlier I only work 4 days at Target this week! And 3 next week!

Sadly, I now have more money in my bank account than I am going to make all year, probably even with working two jobs. Oh well! I’ll take it while I can.

Zen Is Losing

The title is a quote from my mother. I told her I was trying to be zen about everything that was happening.  Next thing I know I’m going off on a rant. My mother looks at me and says matter-of-factly, “I think Zen’s losing.” Did I mention this was while we were on our way to the hardware store to get my chainsaw repaired after I had been sawing down a giant bush in the backyard? With a chainsaw? Yeah, I was pretty bad ass.

Anyway… I was all set to write an uplifting post about how I’m finally feeling more positive. How I’m so excited that I am only working four days at Target next week and only three or four the following week as well. Yippee! I was going to write about seeing an end to this bleak future and that maybe things were looking up a little bit and I could finally take some time out for me.

Then I got CF’s settlement offer the other night when I got home from work. Oh my! It was a doozy. I’m going to level with you all and use actual numbers because it makes the mind fuckery so much clearer when I spell it out in clear, concise terms instead of saying things like, “six figures” and “it was a joke”.

Keep in mind this is a man who has made six figures for the last 15 years. Keep in mind this is a man who voluntarily walked away from a job where he earned approximately $230,000 the last year he was with that company. His gross annual salary included stocks, dividend checks, and bonuses. Also pay attention to the fact that he just accepted a job offer for $100,000/year (after conveniently telling my lawyer his earning potential was only $30,000). Conveniently there was no mention of a bonus or stock options or anything like that.

That shit eating chimp offered me $700 a month in spousal support. For 9.5 years. SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS!

That’s what he feels I’m owed after a 20 year marriage. After following him all around this damn country so he could further his career. After he cheated on me and discarded me. After he discouraged me from working so I don’t have a chance in hell of ever working  a decent paying job in my life. So much for his claim that his lawyer assured him I would be taken care of financially forever. Ha! I laughed when he was thinking that paying me just over $3k a month meant that I was being “well provided for” for life. At $700 a month I’ve got tears rolling down my cheeks and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

He’s offering to pay $800/month in child support. For two kids. On $100,000 a year. That’s less than 10% of his income. Oh, but he’s willing to pay it until they graduate from high school! How generous! That’s not something that’s regularly ordered. Oh, wait! My bad. It totally is something that is regularly ordered.

The way it is written I can’t tell if he’s offering to pay that extremely generous $800 until BOTH kids have graduated, or he’s just acknowledging that he’ll pay child support on each child until high school graduation. Either way it’s not a generous offer.

He is also trying to get me to accept any back support, including that which he just paid me, as coming from my portion of the retirement.

So let me get this straight… he owes me over $10,00 still. He finally paid up the back support. I’m sure the threat of a fine is the only reason I saw a dime. He’s legally obligated to split his 401k with me 50/50. So he’s going to pay me out of that 401k and he thinks the fair thing to do is then split the money left over or reduce my portion according to his support obligation? No, no, no, no, no. He’s actually expecting me to pay me my own back support. How very convenient.

I was shocked that he agreed to take on almost all of the marital debt. He must be planning something, or he’s already talked to the creditors and they’ve agreed to accept a lower amount.

He actually put it in there that I was to take responsibility for my car. Yeah, like I haven’t been making the payments or paying the insurance this entire time. The only reason the property taxes weren’t paid was because he was sent the bill and instead of forwarding it on to me or even telling me about it he simply kept it and then whined to his lawyer because he thought I had sold the car.

Oh, and because this is CF you know there has to be something else in there that just sucks ass a little bit more. He’s agreeing to take on his American Express card. And to pay the balances on the utilities that weren’t paid after the kids and I left.

Wow- so he’s not trying to go after me paying 50% on the American Express bill when it was filled with expenditures for the whore and her kids? That’s so kind of him! And, as a bonus, he’s willing to pay the utilities that I left him responsible for. I emailed him all of the information. The wi-fi was in his name so I couldn’t turn it off. The electric was in his name as well. I’m almost certain the water and sewage bills were going to him because I certainly never received a bill. They were all paid up when I vacated the residence. Some of them even had a positive balance. I told him all of this. Yet, Harley was too busy spending her money on whatever she wanted to actually pay a damn utility bill on behalf of her married boyfriend.

I have been running the figures because I wanted to know how much he would have left over after paying me his new support figure. The one the judge ordered him to pay. He would definitely be paying me more than 50% after taxes. I think what he’s trying to do is make sure that his lifestyle remains the same. He wants to bring home approximately $5000; that’s what he had to spend on the whore during the period of time when he was living at home with us, giving me what he thought he was going to be paying, and not paying a damn thing towards the household bills. Five grand to blow on a whore and her kids. She brings home $5000. She even gets child support from her cheated on husband. So the kids and I are supposed to live on approximately $3000/month while he and Harley the whore live on ten grand, plus some. Or, in other words, they live on the monthly take-home pay that the kids and I used to live on, plus child support while the kids and I live on peanuts. I’m sure he made promises to the whore and he’s trying like hell to keep them. His lifestyle doesn’t take a hit but his kids and I live in poverty forever more.

Keep in mind, too, that he will no doubt stop paying support on our daughter the second she graduates which means he’ll be paying that incredibly generous $1500/month for a mere one year. Then it will be reduced. I don’t think she’s going to go from being dependent to being fully independent the day she graduates. Considering she’s planning on going to college she’s going to be dependent upon me for at least four more years. It will be so easy to assist her with those cheap college costs on my $700 worth of spousal support. Also keep in mind that with him paying me the additional money that we will probably no longer qualify for Medicaid, which means I’m back to paying $360-$365/month for medical insurance, plus another $10-$15 per paycheck for dental and vision, which puts my total monthly insurance premiums at almost $400. The kids will probably also lose their free textbooks and free lunches so that is even more money out of my pocket. Ultimately, his incredible offer of paying me $1500/month in spousal and child support is actually only about $1000 extra dollars for me. I make somewhere between $600-$650 per month working my second job, so if I quit that job then I now have a huge $400 extra per month! Oh my God- I’m rich!

Somehow with all the voodoo figures they’ve come up with they’re offering me around $62,000 from a 401k valued at $185k. Or, put another way, I get $62,000 and he gets over $120,000. I’m not sure how they’ve done the math on that. As an alternative, he’s willing to pay me $30,000 in lieu of any spousal support, so I would wind up with $92,000. Of course, I can’t touch it until I’m 65 or something so it does me little good right here and now. FYI, they’ve conveniently forgotten about the other 401k that he has. It’s smaller, but with the stock market going crazy it may be worth another 8 or 10 grand.

He’s going to start paying that generous $1500 on May 1st if a settlement is reached. And he believes any other arrears (meaning support for February, March and April) should come out of my share of the retirement. So, as I said before he’s not planning on paying any of that remaining back support. And I won’t be receiving a support payment in May either, even though he is now working.

I love how he interprets the judge’s orders. It wasn’t enough that the judge reduced his payments by almost 50%. Oh hell no! Now he wants his support obligation reduced again by more than 50%! And he’s just unilaterally decided that he’s not going to pay that amount. He’s not going to pay for the remaining months he owes. No, he expects me take that out of what he owes me. There’s no settlement agreement but he’s not wiling to pay the $3600 he owes; instead of paying the amount the judge ordered him to pay he’ll just pay me a piddly ass little $1500 and call it good. Oh gosh no! Harley’s got more trinkets to buy.

Oh, the final insult was him letting me know he wouldn’t pursue reimbursement of the items I took or sold from the house. Ha! How soon he forgets about all the money he sent to the whore and her kids. He must have amnesia when it comes to that stock he cashed in and deposited in their bank account. Do two new cell phones ring a bell? No? How about the fact that I left behind tons of stuff at that house when I left- the washing machine and dryer, a couch, coffee tables, his tool box and all his tools, the lawn mower, the snow blower, his golf clubs, a bedroom set. I sold off furniture and some household goods. Most of the really expensive stuff was still left behind. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had left every goddamn thing behind and only taken one thing. He would act like he was doing me some magnanimous favor by not seeking half of that item’s value. He also tends to forget that I sold all that shit off when he was no longer working and no longer sending me a dime in child support. I used that money to support our children since the deadbeat couldn’t be bothered.

My lawyer is on vacation. Again. Good God, does this woman ever work? I’ve only known her since February of last year. She’s been on vacation at least three times since then. Before I found out she was on vacation, though, I wrote her an email and told her I absolutely rejected his offer. I told her we will probably go to court because we are so very far apart in what we want. I told her I’d been screwed over enough by him and I wasn’t taking it anymore. I’d rather go before a judge and have him award CF everything he asked for, rather than agree to it on my own. I’m done getting fucked over in every interaction with him. I also told her to let his lawyer know that if I don’t receive a check for the full support amount on May 1st I’m hauling his pathetic ass back to court. Go ahead, douchebag. Explain to the judge why you’re not paying child and spousal support again.

I realize this is not set in stone. I also realize he’s going to try to get away with as much as possible. I’m hoping that once my lawyer returns from vacation she laughs his offer off the table and tells me he’s not offering anything close to what I will automatically be awarded.

His lawyer keeps mentioning arrears and how he won’t be liable for any other arrears so I’m wondering if there isn’t the possibility that I could seek arrears from the period of time where he wasn’t paying court ordered support.

Nonetheless, it’s draining. I’m exhausted from working all the time and from constantly being thrown some new curve ball by the sleazebag. I do my best to try to ignore it and just tell myself that I have all the time in the world. I’m not the one itching to get remarried. I continue to remind myself that I’ve already lost everything and I’m still standing. I’ve worked two fucking jobs with horrible hours for the last four and a half months. I’ve worked two jobs while being the only full-time parent my kids have. His pathetic attempts to buy me off for nothing don’t sway me. I’m not afraid to go to court. I’ve already been there; he stayed at home. His offer is laughable. It’s not even an offer. It’s an attempt to fuck me up the ass yet again. I’m still really tired of it, though. I’ve been drug through the mud and financially raped by him for almost two years. For two years I’ve sat by and watched as he’s gotten away with everything. It’s about time he spends his days crying. The bottom line? Give me what I want, Cousinfucker, or I’ll see you in court.

Shaking My Head

I honestly don’t know what goes through the mind of a cheater but I’ve got a pretty good idea, thanks to clicking on various links. The thought process defies logic.

Chump Lady is often accused of being single minded and lumping all cheaters together. Most of the people who have a problem with this are cheaters themselves, or people who want to reconcile with a cheater because they don’t want to believe their cheater is not super special. I’ve got to say though that she is remarkably dead on. Seriously! Read the cheater blogs. Read the other woman blogs. They all say basically the same thing. I’m sure the same thing could be said about those who’ve been betrayed.

We probably all come across as shrill, bitter, sexless people who deserved to be cheated on because we’re guilty of denying the cheater his or her happiness. Remember- happiness trumps everything! Don’t worry about who all you hurt or any of the destruction you cause. Your happiness is the only thing that matters.

Oh, probably those who have been cheated on but who bend over backwards to appease the cheater and their AP aren’t considered bitter. No, they’re considered to be enlightened.

I read the comments sometimes on the other sites and I think, “Holy cow! This is exactly what they mean when they refer to Dr. Simon and his whole: It’s not that they don’t see; it’s that they disagree philosophy.”

Someone who has gleefully been deceiving his or her spouse for months, writing about it in detail, talking about how the spouse falls short in every category while the AP (or APs, as the case may be) is the most wonderful, perfect person on the planet who understands him/her and is his/her soul mate, gets caught and now shit has hit the fan. What do commenters say? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope it works out between you and your AP. Oh wait! That’s what they say while the writer is embroiled in the affair. I hope it works out. You deserve to be happy. Love is so precious. You deserve to be loved. You need to explore this connection or you’ll regret it forever. You two are meant to be.

Apparently those that are betrayed don’t deserve a damn thing. We’re collateral damage in the quest for happiness.

I’ve seen comments where they tell the writer that they are so sorry the cheater is in so much pain. Why? They’ve brought it upon themselves. If you want to feel sorry for someone feel sorry for the cuckolded spouse! Feel sorry for the spouse who finds his or her life falling apart once the truth is revealed. Feel sorry for the kids who are watching their family be destroyed. You can feel especially sorry for those kids if they’ve had to move out of the family home and/or leave the area and their school/friends/lives behind. Those are the people who deserve your sympathy. Not the person who has been going out and fucking strangers. Oh, I’m sorry. Fucking the new soul mate.

They speak of open marriages. Yes, that’s a brilliant solution. The cheater can still have the spouse appliance who takes care of the nitty gritty and have as many fuck buddies as he or she wishes. What a great idea! Hey, what does the betrayed spouse get? STD testing?

I always love this request for an open marriage. It seems to me that most people who are asking for one don’t quite grasp that there are rules to an open marriage as well. It’s not a free for all pussy fest (or dick fest, as the case may be). If you can’t obey a simple marriage vow that says you won’t fuck another person I’m not sure how you can handle a whole new set of rules. Or that you would even be willing to follow those rules.

No, what I think happens is the cheater thinks, “Oh! An open marriage. Now that’s something I could use. My wife can still do all her wifely duties. I won’t lose time with my kids (if that’s even something that concerns me). I won’t have to live on half of my paycheck, or forego using the wife’s if she makes more than me. I don’t lose half my 401k or any of my other retirement accounts. I don’t have to split up household items or possibly move out of the family home. And I can still go out and fuck anything that moves. All the perks of being single and none of the responsibilities. Yes! Let’s do an open marriage.

What else do you get when a cheater has been caught? Well, there’s this idea that it’s a damn shame that the cheated on spouse is making this whole thing such a public affair, no pun intended. Yes, because the problem isn’t what the lying, cheating spouse did; it’s how the lied to, cheated on spouse reacted!

I know this is way too simple for most people to believe it actually works, but if you don’t want people to know you’re a lying cheater try not lying and cheating. If you want to fuck anything that moves and deceive your spouse then pull on your big boy or girl pants and face the music. Stop whining and acting like you are the poor, aggrieved victim. You are not. You are the perpetrator.

Chump Lady was also correct when she said that cheaters take it for granted that reconciliation is always on the table and that they like controlling the flow of information.

Information is power and most of the cheater apologist’s are quick to point out when one of them is sharing too much. Don’t give all the details! Don’t tell her/him everything! Don’t be so transparent! Look to Esther Perel for advice on cheating! Sharing too many details just hurts your spouse so you’re doing him or her a favor by not not being completely honest.

Bullshit! That is image management at its finest. Not sharing the details because “it would hurt my spouse” is a load of crap. You don’t share the details because you don’t want them to know certain things. You like having the upper hand. You like keeping this poor deceived person in the dark. You don’t tell the truth because it benefits YOU!

I’ve been having an affair with Janet for 4 months. It’s over now.

is a lot different from

I’ve been having an affair with Janet for 4 months. When I told you I was staying late at the office I was actually meeting with her at the restaurant we go to every year for our anniversary. I’ve introduced her to all our mutual friends and they accepted her; we hung out with them, in fact. I’ve had her over to the house and she’s worn your clothes and we had sex in our bed. We’ve made plans to get married and be together forever. I told her all your secrets and complained about all of your flaws to her. She knows everything about you. We had sex two and three times every time we were together. She does x, y, and z, which you never did. I think I’m in love with her and cutting her off is killing me.

In the first situation you can play dumb and might still have a chance at saving your marriage. In the second situation you’ve got a lot to answer to. You no longer have the advantage of knowing everything and keeping your spouse in the dark. It’s a lot harder to convince your wife that Janet meant nothing when she knows the full story and the depth of your deception than when all she knows is you were fucking Janet for four months

So please, save the bullshit about wanting to protect the spouse you lied to and cheated on from anymore hurt. You want to protect your own ass.

And for the love of God, STOP with the “I don’t want to hurt my spouse anymore than I have.” The hurt you have caused already is tremendous. It’s like a murderer saying, “I don’t want to kill this person anymore than I already have.”

As for possibly not wanting to reconcile if your spouse outs your affair to anyone and everyone… well, aren’t you just full of your cheating self? You are taking it for granted that your spouse actually wants your lying, cheating self back. Naturally, once you let this person know you’ve been out fucking someone new YOU have a choice to make. YOU get to take your time and decide whether or not their behavior was appropriate enough for you to accept their request of reconciliation.

If you have cheated on your spouse and you truly desire to reconcile you will take whatever anger and fallout comes your way. You will accept that others may know what you’ve done and judge you. You will accept all of that as the price you pay to reconcile after you’ve cheated and deceived.

Finally, I’ve sat there slack jawed as I read various cheaters talk of standing by their spouse’s side should something awful happen to him or her. Are you fucking kidding me? I can assure everyone out there reading that if I were to be diagnosed with cancer or be in some sort of awful accident, Cousinfucker is the LAST person I would want by my side.

In fact, if I were unconscious and he were stupid enough to come sit by my bed, when I woke from my coma I would stab him with a damn scalpel. DO NOT lie to me, cheat on me, and destroy my life and then try to preserve your image by “standing by me”.

Granted, I know what a liar CF is but how devastating would it be to find out your spouse, who was by your side throughout your entire medical crisis, was actually cheating on you and lying to you that entire time? Disgusting!

At least I’m honest when I gleefully point out to others that should something befall Cousinfucker I would be the person tasked with deciding whether or not to discontinue life support or to make all medical decisions. I don’t dress it up as, “Oh, he’s my husband, the father of my children. Of course I would stand by him if anything bad were to happen.” No, you’d hear something like this:

Doctor, we need to discontinue life support.

M’am, it’s a sprained ankle.

Look, he wouldn’t want to live like this. Pull the plug!

Mrs. Cousinfucker, it’s not a life threatening injury!

I’m also not much touched by their fervent claims that they will always do right by the disrespected spouse because he or she is the father/mother of their children. Who cares? It obviously didn’t mean enough for you to not cheat on your spouse so why tout it as so powerful now? As I remarked about CF telling our kids that I was a good mother, “Who the fuck cares?” Him saying that was about the lowest compliment he could ever give me. I’m a good mom. I sure the fuck hope so considering the fact that you abandoned your children for a whore and left them with me. What? If I’d been a bad mom you would have tried to take them with you when you ran off with the whore? Or you wouldn’t have fucked a whore if I’d been a bad mom?

They are so full of shit. The excuses, the romanticizing the affairs, the bullshit… it’s almost too much to take. Yet it’s oddly comforting because you realize that they all pretty much follow the same script, and they’re all pretty much self-centered whiny babies who think only of themselves and whatever it is they want.

Soup, Anyone?

I’m back to posting recipes on occasion. Why not? I love to eat and it makes for a nice bit of filler when I’m too tired to write or edit. Here’s the other thing: I will never post a recipe that I have not personally tried. So if I’m posting it you know it must be good.

We’re into April already. I don’t know about most of you but we’ve had a fairly mild winter. It’s probably incorrect to say here’s a great soup recipe to try before the weather warms up too much because it hasn’t really been soup weather this entire time! Regardless, here is a wonderful soup recipe. I found it on Pinterest and the original website is called Miss Information.

I went in to work one day and told people I had made soup. Naturally, the next question was, “What kind did you make?” I told them it was Italian Tortellini.  I was shocked to find out that this is a very popular soup! I don’t know why I was surprised, though, because it’s also a very delicious soup. Try it! You’ll like it.

Italian Tortellini Soup

Ingredients:

• 1 lb Italian sausage (if it is in casing take it out)
• 1 medium sweet onion
• 1 tsp. minced garlic
• 3/4 cup diced carrots
• 1 32oz box low sodium chicken broth
• 4 cups water
• 1 can original Rotel tomatoes
• 2 tbs. Italian seasoning
• 1 tsp. each salt and pepper
• 1 tsp. garlic powder
• 2 tbs. tomato paste
• 19 oz package frozen cheese tortellini (you can also use the refrigerated kind as well, you just won’t have to cook it as long)
• shaved or shredded Parmesan cheese

Directions:

1. In a Dutch oven or soup pot, over med heat, start browning you Italian sausage chopping it up as you go like you would ground beef.
2. Once it starts browning throw in your onion and garlic and let it start to sweat for about 2 minutes you don’t want to let it brown.
3. Next add the carrots. Keep tossing it around until the onions are opaque and the sausage is cooked through.
4. Pour in the chicken broth, water, Rotel tomatoes, Italian seasoning, salt, pepper, garlic powder and tomato paste.
5. Let it simmer together for 30 minutes.
6. Taste and add more salt if you wish, but keep in mind you are going to add Parmesan cheese which is salty as well.
7. After simmering for 30 minutes add the frozen tortellini and simmer for another 10 minutes or until the tortellini is cooked through.
8. Serve this Italian Tortellini Soup hot and top with Parmesan cheese. You can try it without but I promise you the Parmesan makes this dish.

Chef’s Notes: You can freeze this recipe but it’s best to omit the tortellini because it will get soggy after being frozen and then thawed.

You can use any kind of sausage you want- hot, spicy, mild, sweet. It’s completely up to you. I generally use regular ol’ Italian sausage.

I usually make this recipe as outlined, i.e. cooking it on the stovetop, but you can also throw it into a crockpot after browning and sautéing the necessary ingredients. Cook on low about 6 hours and save the tortellini for the last bit of cooking time.

I also usually use regular chicken broth instead of trying to buy the lower sodium version. Again, your choice.

She’s not lying about the parmesan cheese. Last time I made it I didn’t have parmesan so I used mozzarella. It was tasty but I definitely like the parmesan better.

I’m Gonna Harden My Heart

December 2014

I finally figured out what it is that bothers me so much. I’ve been trying to put it into a short, concise description for over a year now and I think I’ve finally got it. It was never that I thought anyone would turn their back on Zack and tell him they were choosing me. I never expected that to happen. It’s more of an overwhelming sadness to realize I loved these people; I considered them to be just as much my family as my actual family. I drove to see them. I wrote checks out to them. I bought the gifts, made contact, talked to them more than he did. And yet, when he decided to trade me in for a different model, let’s call it the whore model, none of them gave a shit. None of them remembered my name or all that I had done. So, I’m sad and I’m disappointed that I was tossed aside so easily for that whore. I’m sad that I was so abruptly reminded that they are NOT my family. I no longer love them. I no longer consider them to be my family; they are strictly Zack’s family. I am indifferent to them. I do not wish ill upon them; I just don’t care. When bad things happen to them I do not mourn for them. When good things happen I do not celebrate with them. I’m meh about it all. And to a certain extent that makes me sad because, as I said, at one point I really loved them and I enjoyed being around them. I loved the fact that I got along with my in-laws so well. Now that’s over. They showed me that once Zack was done with me they were, too. Nothing I did mattered. So now I figure why bother? I didn’t think he’d cheat before, but he did. I’d be an idiot to believe he would never cheat again. And once again, they wouldn’t know my name. Let’s just cut to the chase and forget pretending you care about me. We’ll be cordial. We’ll be civil. But that’s it. I’ll never make the mistake again of claiming any of them as my family. I’ll never again make the mistake of thinking they give a damn about me.

Present Day Sam Says: You better start calling me Prophet Sam! Did I call that or what? I’d be an idiot to believe he would never cheat again. D’oh! He did! He did cheat again. Good thing I never fully trusted him or believed he would never do that to me again. And once again they wouldn’t know my name. Double d’oh! They have completely replaced me and forgotten about me. Well, I’m assuming I’m forgotten unless they are telling him how awful and unreasonable I am. I’m sure there’s a healthy dose of that going on.

I regret softening and beginning to ease back into a relationship with them. I wish I had cut them out completely and held fast. But I am proud of myself for never trusting any of them again. None of them were worth it.