I’ve been at this blogging business for a little over a year. Let’s call it 15 months. This is post #399. It’s not a record by any means. I’m not an every day poster but I’m pretty close. There have been a few times where I’ve disappeared for a few days. And there have been times where I’ve published two or three posts in a single day.
When I first began writing this I pointed out that the problem with blogs like these is that they seem to have a built in end date. For people who are reconciling after an affair they tend to stop writing once things seem to be on track. For those who divorce they tend to end right around the time they find someone new and begin a new life with that person. Most of the men who cheated and now write a blog tend to quit once their wives come upon their blog. Some of them end abruptly. Some let you know they’re closing down the keyboard. As they heal they no longer feel the need to write. In some cases, they simply get too busy- with work or with a new life- to continue writing.
I don’t know where my own path is going to take me. I feel like I was in a better place when I began writing. I hadn’t lost everything. I hadn’t been forced to move out of my home and leave 95% of my possessions behind. I wasn’t crying every day. I even posted recipes now and then. I could be funny and light hearted. I tried to write mainly about my observations, my life experiences with CF, and my outrage at some of the stories on my beloved ID TV. A lot of it was processing everything I had been through the last twenty years with CF- trying to make sense of it, realizing for probably the first time that he had been no prize, and licking my wounds (and coming out swinging) after being so grievously betrayed. I thought maybe I could share what I learned about my failed reconciliation and entertain you with stories of CF’s antics, including his ongoing pity parties. I was mostly upbeat and happy and prepared to get on with my new life. Then June 10th happened and I feel like so much of this blog has been extremely dark. It’s been nonstop whining and complaining. I wish I could just stop and act like everything is wonderful but it’s not. I trudge along, most days not crying anymore, but still not looking forward to anything in life. It’s one big endless cycle of work, sleep, work, sleep, run kids around (oh who am I kidding? It’s run A kid around). I can’t even write about murdering cheaters whose stories wind up on ID TV because I don’t have much time to watch ID TV anymore! I suppose I could point out the endless entitlement that cheaters and their cheating partners exhibit, but I think Chump Lady already has the market cornered on that and how many of those do you really need?
I don’t really have a unique story to tell and there’s nothing remotely interesting going on in my life so it’s not like I can regale you with tall tales from the Midwest. There is no fun or excitement or new adventure heading my way. I have no plans to ever date again so there won’t be any posts about the trauma or joy of dating after divorce or dating in your late 40s.
I don’t think most people want to come here and read about my woes. Unfortunately, that’s about all there is to share with you. And honestly? I never wanted to write a blog about the huge suck-fest that post divorce life is for me.
I don’t want it to sound like it’s all doom and gloom. Things have gotten a bit easier in the last few weeks. My mom has returned and she is a tremendous help. I’m no longer working, running my daughter up to school, cooking, and doing laundry. My mom is a laundry phenom and she’s quite the cook as well. Before Rock Star got her license she was also willing to run her to school so I could have an extra 30 minutes to eat breakfast and get ready for work in the mornings.
Plus, Rock Star got a car last weekend. She saved up and paid for most of it; my mom loaned her the rest. I did pay the taxes for her. So now I no longer have to run around, taking her to school, picking her up from track practice, running her to and from work. She can even help me out by taking her brother to school if necessary.
AND I only work a half day today plus I have the rest of the weekend off from both jobs! So that’s a little bonus that has kept me going after 5 straight days of getting up at 3:30am and working 13 hour days.
I promise I won’t leave until the divorce is final. I think for those of you who have been faithfully reading all this time I owe it to you to let you know how hard I get fucked over in my final court hearing, so I’ll be around at least until May. Oh, and also to let you know how soon after the divorce is final that Cousinfucker and Harley tie the knot. I know that’s coming. Shall we start a pool? The divorce is final May 5th. I wouldn’t be shocked to find out they’ve married on May 6th. If it were possible to get married the very day he gets divorced I would put down May 5th as my choice. Any of you want to place your bets?
I’ll also take bets on whether or not he ends up inviting his kids to his wedding or even informing them of the fact.
I’m not for certain taking my final bow in a few months. I’m just thinking about where, if anywhere, this blog is headed.
Update: Our divorce is being continued. Or perhaps there will be a settlement. I’m not holding my breath because Cousinfucker wants to get out of this marriage with as little damage to himself as possible. He won’t be offering up much of anything and I am about 99% sure he won’t agree to my terms. So I’m probably married to this useless waste of space until August or September.
We can still do a pool. You’ll just have to say how long you think it will take before they get married after our divorce is final as opposed to giving a date.
Oh! Feel free to also place your bets on how long the marriage actually lasts and whether or not he discovers her cheating on him. For the record, my guess is yes, he will eventually find out.