I’m Gonna Harden My Heart

December 2014

I finally figured out what it is that bothers me so much. I’ve been trying to put it into a short, concise description for over a year now and I think I’ve finally got it. It was never that I thought anyone would turn their back on Zack and tell him they were choosing me. I never expected that to happen. It’s more of an overwhelming sadness to realize I loved these people; I considered them to be just as much my family as my actual family. I drove to see them. I wrote checks out to them. I bought the gifts, made contact, talked to them more than he did. And yet, when he decided to trade me in for a different model, let’s call it the whore model, none of them gave a shit. None of them remembered my name or all that I had done. So, I’m sad and I’m disappointed that I was tossed aside so easily for that whore. I’m sad that I was so abruptly reminded that they are NOT my family. I no longer love them. I no longer consider them to be my family; they are strictly Zack’s family. I am indifferent to them. I do not wish ill upon them; I just don’t care. When bad things happen to them I do not mourn for them. When good things happen I do not celebrate with them. I’m meh about it all. And to a certain extent that makes me sad because, as I said, at one point I really loved them and I enjoyed being around them. I loved the fact that I got along with my in-laws so well. Now that’s over. They showed me that once Zack was done with me they were, too. Nothing I did mattered. So now I figure why bother? I didn’t think he’d cheat before, but he did. I’d be an idiot to believe he would never cheat again. And once again, they wouldn’t know my name. Let’s just cut to the chase and forget pretending you care about me. We’ll be cordial. We’ll be civil. But that’s it. I’ll never make the mistake again of claiming any of them as my family. I’ll never again make the mistake of thinking they give a damn about me.

Present Day Sam Says: You better start calling me Prophet Sam! Did I call that or what? I’d be an idiot to believe he would never cheat again. D’oh! He did! He did cheat again. Good thing I never fully trusted him or believed he would never do that to me again. And once again they wouldn’t know my name. Double d’oh! They have completely replaced me and forgotten about me. Well, I’m assuming I’m forgotten unless they are telling him how awful and unreasonable I am. I’m sure there’s a healthy dose of that going on.

I regret softening and beginning to ease back into a relationship with them. I wish I had cut them out completely and held fast. But I am proud of myself for never trusting any of them again. None of them were worth it.

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3 thoughts on “I’m Gonna Harden My Heart

  1. I’ve always had a great relationship with my inlaws. I felt closer to my mother in law than my own mother. Then my husband had his affair. The day after he came home from spending 3 weeks out of town with the whore he went and spent the day with his mom. Weird for someone who’s not particularly close to his mother and even weirder that he’d been gone a month and didn’t want to spend his day off with his wife and kids who he hadn’t seen in a month. If that didn’t scream that something was terribly wrong I don’t know what does. He goes and tells his mother that day that he’s met someone else and is wanting to divorce me. She says NOTHING. To this day knowing this has changed how I feel about her. It makes me sad that she didn’t defend her granddaughters or me for that matter. She said nothing because she was scared of his reaction, anger and losing her son. I still sometimes wonder what would’ve been if we would’ve divorced…how they would’ve treated me and my girls.

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    1. Sadly, I think you and your girls would have been discarded.

      Someone pointed out to me that CF had always been treated like the golden child by his mom and sister. He could do no wrong. So I’m not all that surprised, I suppose, that they’ve totally fallen in line with what he’s doing. They’re just a bunch of fuck ups.

      Never again. It makes me sad to think that if I ever did date anyone I no longer have any desire to meet his family or socialize with them. All because of them and the damage they’ve done.

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      1. I don’t think my husband’s step sister would’ve allowed us to be discarded. She had told me that she would’ve never accepted the OW. And her father was cheated on by her mother and she saw the damage firsthand. I don’t think he would’ve been accepting either. But you’re probably right, we would’ve been discarded by my mil just because my husband is her precious only child. My children knew about the OW and had no desire to even humor the thought of her being in their lives. He would’ve given up having a relationship with them for a whore who had such a pathetic life that she wanted to steal mine. At this point I keep everyone at a safe and comfortable distance, even my own family.

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