Zen Is Losing

The title is a quote from my mother. I told her I was trying to be zen about everything that was happening.  Next thing I know I’m going off on a rant. My mother looks at me and says matter-of-factly, “I think Zen’s losing.” Did I mention this was while we were on our way to the hardware store to get my chainsaw repaired after I had been sawing down a giant bush in the backyard? With a chainsaw? Yeah, I was pretty bad ass.

Anyway… I was all set to write an uplifting post about how I’m finally feeling more positive. How I’m so excited that I am only working four days at Target next week and only three or four the following week as well. Yippee! I was going to write about seeing an end to this bleak future and that maybe things were looking up a little bit and I could finally take some time out for me.

Then I got CF’s settlement offer the other night when I got home from work. Oh my! It was a doozy. I’m going to level with you all and use actual numbers because it makes the mind fuckery so much clearer when I spell it out in clear, concise terms instead of saying things like, “six figures” and “it was a joke”.

Keep in mind this is a man who has made six figures for the last 15 years. Keep in mind this is a man who voluntarily walked away from a job where he earned approximately $230,000 the last year he was with that company. His gross annual salary included stocks, dividend checks, and bonuses. Also pay attention to the fact that he just accepted a job offer for $100,000/year (after conveniently telling my lawyer his earning potential was only $30,000). Conveniently there was no mention of a bonus or stock options or anything like that.

That shit eating chimp offered me $700 a month in spousal support. For 9.5 years. SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS!

That’s what he feels I’m owed after a 20 year marriage. After following him all around this damn country so he could further his career. After he cheated on me and discarded me. After he discouraged me from working so I don’t have a chance in hell of ever working  a decent paying job in my life. So much for his claim that his lawyer assured him I would be taken care of financially forever. Ha! I laughed when he was thinking that paying me just over $3k a month meant that I was being “well provided for” for life. At $700 a month I’ve got tears rolling down my cheeks and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

He’s offering to pay $800/month in child support. For two kids. On $100,000 a year. That’s less than 10% of his income. Oh, but he’s willing to pay it until they graduate from high school! How generous! That’s not something that’s regularly ordered. Oh, wait! My bad. It totally is something that is regularly ordered.

The way it is written I can’t tell if he’s offering to pay that extremely generous $800 until BOTH kids have graduated, or he’s just acknowledging that he’ll pay child support on each child until high school graduation. Either way it’s not a generous offer.

He is also trying to get me to accept any back support, including that which he just paid me, as coming from my portion of the retirement.

So let me get this straight… he owes me over $10,00 still. He finally paid up the back support. I’m sure the threat of a fine is the only reason I saw a dime. He’s legally obligated to split his 401k with me 50/50. So he’s going to pay me out of that 401k and he thinks the fair thing to do is then split the money left over or reduce my portion according to his support obligation? No, no, no, no, no. He’s actually expecting me to pay me my own back support. How very convenient.

I was shocked that he agreed to take on almost all of the marital debt. He must be planning something, or he’s already talked to the creditors and they’ve agreed to accept a lower amount.

He actually put it in there that I was to take responsibility for my car. Yeah, like I haven’t been making the payments or paying the insurance this entire time. The only reason the property taxes weren’t paid was because he was sent the bill and instead of forwarding it on to me or even telling me about it he simply kept it and then whined to his lawyer because he thought I had sold the car.

Oh, and because this is CF you know there has to be something else in there that just sucks ass a little bit more. He’s agreeing to take on his American Express card. And to pay the balances on the utilities that weren’t paid after the kids and I left.

Wow- so he’s not trying to go after me paying 50% on the American Express bill when it was filled with expenditures for the whore and her kids? That’s so kind of him! And, as a bonus, he’s willing to pay the utilities that I left him responsible for. I emailed him all of the information. The wi-fi was in his name so I couldn’t turn it off. The electric was in his name as well. I’m almost certain the water and sewage bills were going to him because I certainly never received a bill. They were all paid up when I vacated the residence. Some of them even had a positive balance. I told him all of this. Yet, Harley was too busy spending her money on whatever she wanted to actually pay a damn utility bill on behalf of her married boyfriend.

I have been running the figures because I wanted to know how much he would have left over after paying me his new support figure. The one the judge ordered him to pay. He would definitely be paying me more than 50% after taxes. I think what he’s trying to do is make sure that his lifestyle remains the same. He wants to bring home approximately $5000; that’s what he had to spend on the whore during the period of time when he was living at home with us, giving me what he thought he was going to be paying, and not paying a damn thing towards the household bills. Five grand to blow on a whore and her kids. She brings home $5000. She even gets child support from her cheated on husband. So the kids and I are supposed to live on approximately $3000/month while he and Harley the whore live on ten grand, plus some. Or, in other words, they live on the monthly take-home pay that the kids and I used to live on, plus child support while the kids and I live on peanuts. I’m sure he made promises to the whore and he’s trying like hell to keep them. His lifestyle doesn’t take a hit but his kids and I live in poverty forever more.

Keep in mind, too, that he will no doubt stop paying support on our daughter the second she graduates which means he’ll be paying that incredibly generous $1500/month for a mere one year. Then it will be reduced. I don’t think she’s going to go from being dependent to being fully independent the day she graduates. Considering she’s planning on going to college she’s going to be dependent upon me for at least four more years. It will be so easy to assist her with those cheap college costs on my $700 worth of spousal support. Also keep in mind that with him paying me the additional money that we will probably no longer qualify for Medicaid, which means I’m back to paying $360-$365/month for medical insurance, plus another $10-$15 per paycheck for dental and vision, which puts my total monthly insurance premiums at almost $400. The kids will probably also lose their free textbooks and free lunches so that is even more money out of my pocket. Ultimately, his incredible offer of paying me $1500/month in spousal and child support is actually only about $1000 extra dollars for me. I make somewhere between $600-$650 per month working my second job, so if I quit that job then I now have a huge $400 extra per month! Oh my God- I’m rich!

Somehow with all the voodoo figures they’ve come up with they’re offering me around $62,000 from a 401k valued at $185k. Or, put another way, I get $62,000 and he gets over $120,000. I’m not sure how they’ve done the math on that. As an alternative, he’s willing to pay me $30,000 in lieu of any spousal support, so I would wind up with $92,000. Of course, I can’t touch it until I’m 65 or something so it does me little good right here and now. FYI, they’ve conveniently forgotten about the other 401k that he has. It’s smaller, but with the stock market going crazy it may be worth another 8 or 10 grand.

He’s going to start paying that generous $1500 on May 1st if a settlement is reached. And he believes any other arrears (meaning support for February, March and April) should come out of my share of the retirement. So, as I said before he’s not planning on paying any of that remaining back support. And I won’t be receiving a support payment in May either, even though he is now working.

I love how he interprets the judge’s orders. It wasn’t enough that the judge reduced his payments by almost 50%. Oh hell no! Now he wants his support obligation reduced again by more than 50%! And he’s just unilaterally decided that he’s not going to pay that amount. He’s not going to pay for the remaining months he owes. No, he expects me take that out of what he owes me. There’s no settlement agreement but he’s not wiling to pay the $3600 he owes; instead of paying the amount the judge ordered him to pay he’ll just pay me a piddly ass little $1500 and call it good. Oh gosh no! Harley’s got more trinkets to buy.

Oh, the final insult was him letting me know he wouldn’t pursue reimbursement of the items I took or sold from the house. Ha! How soon he forgets about all the money he sent to the whore and her kids. He must have amnesia when it comes to that stock he cashed in and deposited in their bank account. Do two new cell phones ring a bell? No? How about the fact that I left behind tons of stuff at that house when I left- the washing machine and dryer, a couch, coffee tables, his tool box and all his tools, the lawn mower, the snow blower, his golf clubs, a bedroom set. I sold off furniture and some household goods. Most of the really expensive stuff was still left behind. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had left every goddamn thing behind and only taken one thing. He would act like he was doing me some magnanimous favor by not seeking half of that item’s value. He also tends to forget that I sold all that shit off when he was no longer working and no longer sending me a dime in child support. I used that money to support our children since the deadbeat couldn’t be bothered.

My lawyer is on vacation. Again. Good God, does this woman ever work? I’ve only known her since February of last year. She’s been on vacation at least three times since then. Before I found out she was on vacation, though, I wrote her an email and told her I absolutely rejected his offer. I told her we will probably go to court because we are so very far apart in what we want. I told her I’d been screwed over enough by him and I wasn’t taking it anymore. I’d rather go before a judge and have him award CF everything he asked for, rather than agree to it on my own. I’m done getting fucked over in every interaction with him. I also told her to let his lawyer know that if I don’t receive a check for the full support amount on May 1st I’m hauling his pathetic ass back to court. Go ahead, douchebag. Explain to the judge why you’re not paying child and spousal support again.

I realize this is not set in stone. I also realize he’s going to try to get away with as much as possible. I’m hoping that once my lawyer returns from vacation she laughs his offer off the table and tells me he’s not offering anything close to what I will automatically be awarded.

His lawyer keeps mentioning arrears and how he won’t be liable for any other arrears so I’m wondering if there isn’t the possibility that I could seek arrears from the period of time where he wasn’t paying court ordered support.

Nonetheless, it’s draining. I’m exhausted from working all the time and from constantly being thrown some new curve ball by the sleazebag. I do my best to try to ignore it and just tell myself that I have all the time in the world. I’m not the one itching to get remarried. I continue to remind myself that I’ve already lost everything and I’m still standing. I’ve worked two fucking jobs with horrible hours for the last four and a half months. I’ve worked two jobs while being the only full-time parent my kids have. His pathetic attempts to buy me off for nothing don’t sway me. I’m not afraid to go to court. I’ve already been there; he stayed at home. His offer is laughable. It’s not even an offer. It’s an attempt to fuck me up the ass yet again. I’m still really tired of it, though. I’ve been drug through the mud and financially raped by him for almost two years. For two years I’ve sat by and watched as he’s gotten away with everything. It’s about time he spends his days crying. The bottom line? Give me what I want, Cousinfucker, or I’ll see you in court.

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19 thoughts on “Zen Is Losing

  1. What does your lawyer think about having him help pay for college or having to pay child support as long as the children are in school full time? Don’t know what your state allows for that. I wish I knew back when I divorced my first husband what I know now. I would’ve taken him back to court to have him carry health ins on her until 26 and support while she was still a student.

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    1. Grrr! I just had a comment all typed out and it disappeared.

      My lawyer is on vacation so she hasn’t seen the proposal. I do know that in the state the divorce is being heard judges will not order college to be paid for, and they won’t order support to be paid past age 18 or graduation of high school. They’ll sign off on it if both parties agree but CF won’t agree to a damn thing he wouldn’t be ordered to pay. He’s a cheap ass who is more concerned with keeping the vast majority of his money for himself, his whore, and her kids. He doesn’t care if they go without so long as he can look like a big shot to his fake kids and their whore of a mother.

      As for insurance I think I would rather be in charge of that. It would just be more game playing for him.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Understood. My ex refused to get an attorney so I paid for our divorce. He wanted joint custody and I wanted sole custody so I took college and half of a car and car insurance off the divorce decree. This was 1999 so things have changed alot. He gave up joint custody so he wouldn’t have to pay those two things. She was 2 years old and he had never been in her life. They haven’t spoken in over 3 years. He stopped child support and health ins last May when she graduated. My husband has been her father since she was 15 months old, her bio dad was just a sperm donor in her eyes.
        Your stbx sounds like a real piece of fucking work…reminds me of my asshole step brother who cheated on his wife and married his whore. POS.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Since you now live in Indiana, state law says he does have to help with school. So I wonder how that plays in.

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      3. Because the child support is being set in my previous state this state’s support laws don’t count. Unless I bring it to court here. Unfortunately, I’m not all that impressed with the judges around here and their rulings on visitation. My nephew had to go spend every other weekend with his dad even when my brother wasn’t home! His mom was throated with a change in custody if their 16 year old son didn’t comply. Not wanting to get involved with that clusterfuck.

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  2. I don’t understand why states don’t make these dads pay for at least half of college or health insurance while their kids are still full time students. Like you said it’s not like these kids automatically turn into independent adults the minute they graduate! We are left helping them with college by ourselves and that’s bullshit.

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    1. well I think it should be in the divorce decree that if he doesn’t pay for his children’s college he can’t contribute to the education of any other children (ie the children of HW) and honestly I’d have the kids come to court and let him tell the court in front of them that he won’t pay for their education – he is must be a sociopath to totally abandon his kids and their care like he has.

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  3. I hope your lawyer is really good. I hope she has earned her vacations. I encourage you to fight for all that you can. I hope your Judge will also be fair. I just don’t understand how someone with young children can think he can get away with this, hopefully your Judge will educate him.

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  4. That’s bullshit. It’s a game. He’s trying to set the table for negotiations really low. Now this is the standard to negotiate from. I would reject the entire thing outright completely and let you and your lawyer create a new proposal with your ends in mind. Blow his mind over what could and should be asked for. He thinks 62k of 182k is fair? Fuck that! Considering he left, you get half at minimum. But now also consider earning potential. Because you stayed home to raise the kids your earning potential is much less than his. He has time to make it up. You don’t. Factor that in. He probably should be giving you 120 of the 180k. Also for all the shit he claims you sold throw in all the work you had to do to get out of the house. Charge him for all that shit too. And definitely throw in for college for the kids. You may not get any of it, but you can reset the negotiation table.

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  5. He’s lost his mind. My ex signed on until they turn 18 only too. He wouldn’t budge and said they could figure out college. My daughter will turn 18 in the beginning of her senior year. I bet he stops paying child support at that very moment. I guess I should be thankful that she’s only 8.
    He doesn’t pay alimony like he’s suppose to and hasn’t paid child support this month. It never ends. He acts like it’s unfair that he has to give me money. Like I’m out partying with it. Like we should have had a clean break where he pays for the kids when he has them only. Which is every other Saturday night and Wednesday night for dinner.
    Does your state have a child support calculator? It would show what he’s required to pay based on his salary and yours, how many days/nights he has them, health insurance, and some other things.

    Liked by 1 person

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