December 2014

My in-laws’ anniversary is tomorrow. One week before ours. I’m hoping I don’t slide into a depression with the upcoming date like I did last year. I’m sure my father-in-law will say something to my mother-in-law, or she will say something to him or my sister-in-law will make an announcement. And I’m equally sure that good ol’ Harley will pipe up with her insipid message of love and congratulations. That just never gets old.

Meanwhile we are not doing anything big for our 20th. Why bother? It’s not like it’s a milestone, right? I mean, my nitwit sister-in-law celebrates every anniversary like it’s a huge milestone. I guess when you never actually achieve a long lasting marriage it’s important to celebrate the earlier years like, well, like there’s no tomorrow. Besides, what would we do? We’re here in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no one to take the kids. There is no one to celebrate with. Actually, if we ever did have an anniversary party that would be extremely awkward, so I guess that’s out forever more. I suppose it will be just another day. I’ll get him a card and fuck him and call it good. I don’t think I want anything. What are we celebrating? A marriage marred by cheating repaired? Yippee! Man, anniversaries suck! I can already feel the despair taking over. Shit! I bet there will be all sorts of 20 year anniversary cards out there. Shit, shit, shit! Even when you want to get away from making it out to be a big deal Hallmark sucks you in. I hate this. I hate our anniversary because it makes me so conflicted. I never know if I want to celebrate it, knowing that that will never happen, or if I just want to hibernate through it. They’re so stupid! Why do we even acknowledge them?

Added about a week later: Turns out xxx was the anniversary. I actually kinda remember my MIL telling me she had had it wrong for years. Anyway, of course the whore was full of congratulations and best wishes and geez, I just love you both so much. What do you expect from a whore?

Present Day Sam Says: Sometimes I wonder if seeing this set him off and made him decide there was no winning with me.

I look at it now and while it wasn’t the most complimentary thing I could have written I don’t think it was the worst thing either. I was in a new state. I was without my friends. I was miserable for the most part. I had nothing but time on my hands and for most of it my husband was acting like a colossal ass. He was breaking down constantly, crying.

I’m sure it was because Blockhead told him about my FB page. CF has never coped well with adversity. I’m not sure how in the hell he managed to fight in a war. I truly don’t.

If everything wasn’t perfect, if I wasn’t always 100% happy, then he pouted or threw a fit. He always thought we should be so happy and so grateful for everything he did.

And here’s the rub: *I* was grateful! I knew my life was the way it was because he made good money and made it possible for me to stay at home with my kids and indulge my activities. I wasn’t jumping into his arms every afternoon when he came home; I wasn’t shaking my ass in his face like a dog wags its tail but I was thankful. Unfortunately, CF likes big, bold declarations of a person’s gratefulness. Being upset or unhappy is NEVER allowed. So I failed.

In hindsight I don’t care. I’m glad he knows I never thought he was perfect. I’m glad he knows I struggled with the idea of being married to a cheater, a liar, for the rest of my life.

I was entitled to be hurt. I was entitled to struggle with those feelings, especially when I got so very little support from him and his family.

This isn’t the angry rant of a woman who wants revenge. It’s the ramblings of a woman who had been betrayed and was still trying to make sense of it all, a mere year after finding out.


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