The Hot Mess Express

December 2014

Watch out, folks; she is decompressing rapidly! His sister just texted me and wished me a happy anniversary. Briefly checked to make sure she had kept it off of Facebook. I’m conflicted, which is why I’m decompressing.

Do you celebrate your anniversary to simply commemorate the day you got married? Or do you celebrate for another reason? Because the way I feel sometimes is that December xxx is simply the day we got married. Nothing to celebrate. People celebrate their anniversary because they’re celebrating their marriage- their successful, happy marriage. They’re celebrating the fact that they achieved another year of marriage and they want to continue being married. They’re celebrating all they’ve achieved as a married couple through the years. I suppose I could be Zen and reflect on the fact that any couple that survives adultery should surely have bragging rights as far as surviving and fighting for their marriage. But to me it feels fake. Once you introduce another person into your marriage that marriage doesn’t mean as much. Oh, I know. I’ve got the bone analogy and my winding road/highway journey analogy. But I’m feeling sorry for myself and am once again near tears so let me dwell in despair. I can’t put it any better than to say it feels fake. My husband was married to me and thought he was in love with another woman. Excuse me, I mean whore. So how do we ever celebrate again? Every time I see a picture of us on our wedding day I think, “We were so young and naive. Untouched by his fling with a whore. And now we’re tainted. Our vows were tossed away. Our wedding date means nothing. It’s just the day he lied.” I suppose most couples married for a long time have difficulties. Hell, maybe those who are celebrating their 50th have been plagued with infidelity. I simply don’t like it and our anniversary always leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.

December xxx, 1994 he told me he loved me. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. His future was with me. He was forsaking all others. I moved around the country with him. I suffered 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy with him. I gave him 2 children. I had his back and I was always his biggest cheerleader. But April or May of 2013 came around and suddenly he was in love with someone else. He claimed to want a future with someone else; he wanted to marry the whore. He spent 3 1/2 months lying to me, deceiving me, humiliating me. And then I found out in August he was still seeing her and I told him I was done with this shit. Shit or get off the pot. Pick one. Finally it was supposedly over and we’re just supposed to go back to normal. Well, I’m sorry but I feel like it’s the same as trying to get into the Guiness Book of World Records. You don’t kiss a person for 18 1/2 hours, trying to break the record, and then pause. You don’t get to go kiss another girl, or eat lunch or take a nap for 3 1/2 hours and then come back and resume where you left off. You lost. You’ve got to start all over. That’s the way I feel about… I don’t know. A betrayed marriage. A fake anniversary. You don’t invest over 18 years and then go lose your mind for 3 1/2 months and then when you’re busted, turn around and say, “Let’s resume where we left off.” You’ve got to start over. So, maybe I’ll look at it as we’re on year 2 of our marriage. I guess he could have saved all that money he spent on the platinum dipped rose and just gone with whatever year 2 is.

Added later: To clarify when I say his sister I am not referring to Jezebel. That would have been a hoot. Actually, that would have never happened. She is too self involved to remember anything about anyone else and quite frankly I would have found her congratulations to be more than a bit hollow.

Added later: I got a text from my dad, Mom and mother-in-law. Or my mother-in-law might have called instead. Told me that 20 years was quite an accomplishment. Yeah, if you count your husband having an affair as an accomplishment.



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