What He Should Have Said

December 2014

Still having a hard time wrapping my mind around my anniversary and my husband’s conversation with his sister. And can I preface this by saying when I’m actually with my husband and we’re spending time together I’m fine. It’s when I have lots of free time to think and dwell on all of this that I become enraged. And let’s face it: I have lots and lots of free time because I moved 2000 miles away from all of my friends and everything I was involved in to support him in gallivanting around the country in order to grab his dream job. So I have no friends and nothing to keep me busy, and therefore lots of time to think bad thoughts about all of this.

My first thought is this: Does he ever get tired of throwing me under the bus? I mean, ffs, he spent God only knows how long telling his sister how miserable he was with me; then he spent considerable time telling her how happy he was with his lying little slut and how he loved her. I think I got a one sentence reprieve the day he supposedly ended it with the whore: I’m going to work things out with my wife. Wow- no, “I’m madly in love with her and she’s the one I’ve always wanted,” or “I can’t believe what a jackass I was and how I almost threw away the love of my life for a lying, manipulative whore!” No, just a short sentence letting her know he was going to do the righteous thing and wait out his sentence with me. And when she whines about me to him he immediately begs her forgiveness and says he never should have tried to be happy. How so, my darling husband? Do you mean you realize Harley the Whore is your true soul mate and you’re simply destined to a life of misery with me but you never should have fought it and attempted to be happy with her? You should have just accepted a miserable life with me? Do you mean that you’re not happy with me, have never been happy with me and realize you’ll never be happy with me and you’re accepting that? Let’s think about this for a moment. You told your sister you felt like nothing more than a paycheck and a handyman, and that we lived like roommates. You then told her you were having an affair with Harley, you loved her and she made you happy, and you wanted to marry her. Jezebel, of course, is completely on board with this and vows to give you her unconditional support. Then you abruptly end things with the soul mate and tell her you’re working things out with me. No fanfare. Just a simple statement. And now you are once again implying you are unhappy. Because I don’t make you happy like your little whore that sent you naked pictures and told you how she’d suck your dick every day once you left me? Baby Jesus wept! Do you really think that’s the impression you want to give to your pro infidelity sister? Not to mention I was very clear that you were not to discuss any martial problems with her. While I realize we’re not having problems you are certainly making it seem that way to the patron saint of infidelity.

Here’s an idea. Instead of telling her you’re so sorry for ruining her relationship with me and how you never should have tried to be happy maybe you should have gone with something like: I’m sorry I ruined your relationship with her. If I hadn’t been a dumbass, willing to toss aside my wife and kids for a deceitful, manipulative whore who promised me mind blowing sex and sent me naked pictures, you would never have been in this situation. But I did, and you, Jezebel, were my biggest supporter. You were fully on board with me cheating and leaving my wife. You told me the only thing that mattered was what made me happy because I deserved it. My wife knows the part you played and no, she’s not happy. But if you’re going to be mad at anyone be mad at me. Hell, if you’re honest with yourself it’s not as though I had to beg you to support me. You were there immediately; you jumped in with both feet, no questions asked. You never once thought of my wife and what this might do to her. Never once thought of my kids and what a divorce might do to them. I do realize that wasn’t your responsibility; it was mine. But let’s not rewrite history and act like you were forced, kicking and screaming, to support me. I’m sure you thought I’d leave her and marry Harley. Sorry to disappoint you and leave you with egg on your face. I came to my senses.

And let me tell you another thing. If you want to bitch about my wife you bitch to someone else because I have her back. I’m going to support her like she’s supported me these last 20 years. She’s been by my side, cheering me on, believing in me, when no one else was around. She’s moved all over the country with me; she’s left her family behind. She’s held our family together and raised our kids when I’ve checked out. She could have left me when she found out but she chose to swallow her pride and work on this together. She took responsibility for her own failures in our relationship even when I half heartedly confessed back in May. The Saint told her the truth about us and how we had been lying to her for months, the day of our daughter’s birthday party, 6 days after her stepfather died, and 2 days before she had to get on a plane and be there for her mother. She put a smile on her face and made sure our kid had an amazing day even though she was dying inside, thinking I was going to leave her, that I was going to choose Harley. And then she got on that plane and she went to be with her mother and her family and she kept my dirty little secret, never telling any of them. Do you have any idea how difficult that was? She’s getting shit from her family for constantly being on the phone with me because I’m falling apart and we’re trying to work things out, and she never tells them what’s really going on. She just continued to try to balance us both. I don’t ever have to be around her family wondering if they hate me for what I’ve done because they don’t know. I don’t ever have to worry about things being awkward and them holding it against me because she protected me and kept it to herself. She, on the other hand, has to be around everyone in our family who knows what I did. She has to wonder if they think she’s stupid for staying, if they blame her for being a shitty wife because, let’s face it, I wouldn’t have strayed if she’d been a better wife. She has to contend with the fact that all of you continue to have a relationship with the woman with whom I cheated on her. She didn’t want to go to home with me this Christmas and face humiliation but she did it because she loves me and she loves her kids and she knew how important it was to us, especially to me. She sucked it up and faced everyone who knows I’ve cheated on her. I’m sure it wasn’t easy but she did it. For me.

She’s been there for me when I’ve been practically catatonic. She’s been there through all my anxiety issues. She’s begged me to get help. She’s made appointments for me, attended appointments with me, encouraged me, and patiently waited for me to want to get better because she knows she can’t do it for me. She’s put up with me opting out of family outings, never going with her, never wanting to show her affection, kicking her out of our bed for almost 8 years, never wanting to go out with friends, not helping out with the kids. She puts up with me when I’m feeling sorry for myself. She ate the show lettuce at a company dinner because I did and she didn’t want me to look stupid. She’s my rock when I’m falling apart. She’s there day after day supporting me, cheering me on, comforting me. Where are you? You got married and you no longer needed me, couldn’t be bothered to text anymore. I spent $500 to fly to your wedding because it was so important to you that I be there and you barely spent 5 minutes with me that entire weekend. I almost missed the damn thing because you sent me out for a liquor run. I’m in none of the pictures and if she’s being honest my wife to this day doesn’t fully believe I was there instead of with Harley. My wife gave up all of her friends, everything she was involved in and moved 2000 miles across the country for me, so I could take my dream job. And she hates it. She’s miserable but she doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want me to feel guilty. You, on the other hand, couldn’t be bothered to drive 10 minutes to have a cup of coffee with me the last time I flew home. And that was on my own dime, not the company’s. I tell you I’m worried about my brother who is in critical condition and I get a one sentence reply from you hours later. And yet you still try to turn and twist it like anything that is wrong between us is due to my wife. She’s not the problem, Jezebel. You are. Don’t ever bitch about her to me, expecting me to take your side, because I won’t. She’s my wife. I love her. She is the love of my life, my partner, the mother of my children. She is the one that has held our family together. I have learned things about her and all that she does to make our lives better and more comfortable and I am in complete awe of her. I can’t imagine my life without her and I am so extremely grateful she gave me another chance instead of kicking me out and divorcing me. So bitch all you want but don’t do it around me. If I have to choose between my wife and my sister I will choose my wife every time.

Now THAT would be what I consider having my back. I wish one day he’d do that for me instead of always taking everyone else’s side. He did it for Jezebel. He did it for Harley. When that little whore came sniffing around, whining about not being able to do this anymore, he let her. He didn’t stand up for me. He was more concerned with her and her feelings. He felt sorry for her because “he’d led her on”. Oh please. Maybe you should have been a little more concerned about me because you FUCKING CHEATED ON ME! I think making it up to your wife is just a little more important than looking out for your whore’s fee fees. Obviously he doesn’t feel that way.

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