And So It Happened

I said goodbye to my beloved Beau yesterday.

It turned out he had several large masses in his abdomen and they were cancerous. The vet told me this type of cancer is always fatal and even if we had caught it at the very beginning he would have had at most 6 more months from the time they caught it. That was with expensive surgery to remove the tumor and expensive chemo as a follow up. I make $11/hour. I would never have been able to afford that.

While I know there was nothing to be done I still feel like I failed him. If I hadn’t been poor, scraping by to wipe my ass and eat both in the same month, I would have taken him in earlier, and thereby ended his suffering earlier. If I hadn’t been so eager to believe his weight loss was due to advanced old age I would have found an extra hour or extra $300 to take him in despite the long workdays and 6 day work weeks. I could have just explained to the kids that it was going to be a mac-n-cheese/hot dogs/peanut butter and jelly sandwiches kinda month so I could afford the vet bill. But instead I was selfish and blind and my poor dog suffered for it.

I was there at the end for him. The vet originally discouraged me from staying because he said as deteriorated as his body was the drugs might not act as quickly. I told him I wanted to be there anyway. I wasn’t going to leave him alone in his final minutes. I might have failed him tremendously in these last few months but I could do the decent thing and not abandon him now.

They put him on the table and administered the drugs as I held him and stroked his neck. He had a moment where it seemed like he was trying to get up but I just held him and told him to relax. He slumped against me, the third drug was given and he was gone.

Farewell, my hunky monkey. I’m so sorry I failed you in your final months.  You were loved and you will be missed.

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14 thoughts on “And So It Happened

  1. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this loss. The loss of a dog that you have raised & fed and loved is a real tragedy.
    First off, don’t beat yourself up about neglecting him in the last few months. If he was in pain, it would have been obvious.
    Now he’s in doggy heaven. No suffering going on. Most likely he’s checking out the ladies.
    You will always be his mommy and he will always be your baby boy.
    Take care,
    Monica

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  2. Take care. So sorry to hear what happened. Sounds to me like he was a well loved dog that had a happy life. Remember the love and care you gave him made him live so long and happily.

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  3. I don’t think for a minute you were being selfish, maybe not wanting to face what was happening, but never selfish. You have much on your mind and work so hard. It’s a wonder you are still sane.

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  4. I’m so sorry, Sam 💔 You did not fail Beau. The vet told you that type of cancer was almost always fatal and that, at most, Beau would have had six months from diagnosis. Believe him. I suspect, possibly, you want to blame yourself because it gives an illusion of control. That you could have done something to change it. Or that you feel guilty you were trying so hard to survive that he didn’t get as much attention as he used to get. Don’t go there. He knew you loved him. Love isn’t failure.

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  5. So sad for you. It has been a week of crap for everyone. Hasn’t it? Sigh. I hope you find a little peace. Because I know it feels like giant chunks of you keep getting taken away without your permission or without any ability to stop it. If you need anything, call. Or text.

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