I keep meaning to write and then I get busy, or I get tired. Usually it’s tired. And I wanted to do this on a computer instead of my phone or tablet. I was going to write about how much better I’m doing. How I don’t go to the infidelity blogs that I follow as often. How I’m tired of thinking about it and can more easily just tell myself, “I’m not going to think about that now.” I think the hurt and betrayal becomes such a big part of your life it’s not easy to lay it aside. But, I’m not going to write about that today. Instead I’m going to write about my feelings of frustration.
Zack had another bad day recently and it really threw me for a loop. I’m so tired of this. I know I should be more supportive. I know he can’t help it. I even know he’s taking steps to get better. But every time I think about everything that I have lost due to this move it enrages me. THIS was supposed to be what made everything better. Stupid thinking, I know. But he insisted he was miserable in our former state and would have broken down if he had to stay there much longer. Now we’re here and if anything he’s worse. I’ve lost my friends, my support system, my social activities. I have no more PTA, no more Bunko, no more gym trips, no more actual gymnastics, no more hockey. My daughter competes alone out here so it’s not like I’m going to make friends with the other parents. They are all very nice but I don’t hang around them. And, when you get right down to it I don’t even have a husband out here because he’s too busy burrowing in his bedroom, watching TV all evening. Why are we here? Oh, it’s not just because he was miserable in our former state. It’s because after a fucking week of his whore promising him blow jobs and a brand new shiny life with her, letting him know she could “envision a future” with him, he started talking up the Whoreville plant to those around him who could make it happen, letting them know he wanted it when it became available. I live here, away from my friends, because of my husband and his whore. My family is still 10 hours away. I don’t really see them any more often than I did when I lived 23 hours away. Spending the holidays with them was nice but it doesn’t make up for the other 363 days of the year that are miserable. I had high hopes my family was moving out here but those hopes were dashed. That sent me into a tailspin. I’m sure I will recover.
I have had a busy day today. I had a dentist appointment at 8:30, went to pick up my cat after the appointment, met Zack for lunch after I picked up the cat, and then dropped off my car to have the fuel door fixed. Later this evening I’ll be heading to school for a gymnastics meet where I’ll be helping at the score table. Oh, and I keep busy decorating. Every month there is a new theme. Keeps me busy! BAER
I want to like it here. I want to get involved and feel like I fit in, but I don’t know how. You’d think it would be easy after all the moving we’ve done but every time we move I have to start all over. We hated State #2 the first time we lived there and kept mainly to ourselves. We moved to State #3 and we began hanging out with people he worked with. We had a fantastic network of friends. I fondly remember going out to eat with 8-10 people, easily! Then we moved back to State #2 and we never hung out with his co-workers. I found an online group of moms from my area and had playdates once a week with them for a while, until one moved, one dropped out, one went back to work, and one returned to school. I got involved in church- I worked in the nursery and then worked my way up to the older grades as my kids aged. I joined the meal team. I led a small group. I started a MOPS group. Before I started a MOPS group I got involved in one close to my house. Joined the hospitality team. I volunteered at my daughter’s school. And I drove her to gymnastics and Bible Club and Bible School in the summer. When we moved to State #4 I couldn’t find a MOPS group. I never found a church where I could feel at home and really get involved. So I looked to PTA, and I got very involved. I did Teacher Appreciation the entire time I was part of PTA. I was the elementary school president for 4 years. I did the president thing at the middle school. I was the council president. I moved up the following year to be the region secretary. I made friends with all the other moms on my daughter’s gymnastics team. I started playing Bunko and then started up my own group. I drove my son to hockey and became a hockey mom. Now we’ve moved again. We don’t hang around Zack’s co-workers, the PTA is a joke out here, my kids have aged out of MOPS years ago, hockey doesn’t exist out here and gymnastics is a joke. And church? Well, let’s just say I’ve been struggling with my faith for a while and I’m not sure I want to put myself out there yet again. I’m tired of starting over. I’m 45 years old and my life has been completely dismantled. I don’t even have a husband I can lean on because he’s dealing with his own issues. So I’m all alone. Thank you once again Zack and Harley for your thoughtlessness and selfishness! I’m so excited to be able to live out your dreams.
Present Day Sam Says: Why wasn’t he happy? Because he’s never happy! Because moving was never about his dream job; it was always about getting closer to Harley. Maybe they weren’t still in contact when we moved; maybe they were. The fact remains we moved because they put the move into motion during their first affair.