Affairytale

Oh, how I wish I could take credit for that term. Unfortunately, I stole it from one of Chump Lady’s many commenters. It was what that particular commenter calls her ex-husband’s relationship with his whore.

If the “relationship” between the two cheaters is called affairytale, then what word might describe a marriage between two cheaters?

A farce registered at Macy’s. Fine. That’s more than one word. Yet, that is how Chump Lady describes the marriage between the cheater and the affair partner. How better to tell the world that this wasn’t some tawdry affair than to pledge to love, honor and cherish your affair partner. Sure, you sold that same pack of lies about love and commitment and forsaking all others to your ex but hey, this time you really mean it! This is your soul mate, after all. There will be no pesky problems that permeate real life.  Or as Chump Lady wrote:

I think you’re pretty clear on their motivations- to show the world, with hand-engraved invitations and pastel sugared almonds- that they aren’t fuck ups.  No, their treachery had PURPOSE!  This is what soul mates DO- they marry.  You were just an obstacle to their happiness, and so now they can be together for eternity!

…what does marriage mean to two people who have already shat all over monogamy?  What does commitment mean to people who don’t honor commitments?  What does honor mean to dishonorable people?  It’s a farce registered at Macy’s.

People who cheat have crappy life skills… They tend to be narcissists… Narcissism and crappy life skills are not good qualities in a partner.  Perhaps you suffer from the common chump delusion that with the affair partner they will be different!  Well yeah, their surroundings are different.  Their wedding china is different.  But they are still the same crappy people they were before, only now with more baggage and life complications.  His dick doesn’t have magic transformative properties that turn her into a good woman. [And her pussy doesn’t have magic transformative properties that turn him into a good man.]

If you’re feeling particularly vengeful, the best you can hope for is that they stay stuck with each other for many years to come, as the shiny quickly wears off.  Someone is bound to cheat and check out.  Gaslight.  Blameshift.  Do less and expect the other to pull more weight.  A long, miserable life together trying to prove everyone wrong- hey, it was so worth fucking up everyone else’s life to have this… banal, shitty existence together.

So how do marriages that begin with an affair fare? Not too well, according to everything I can find. Someone once went to the trouble of compiling this list of “statistics”. I put it in quotes because a lot of it was extrapolation.

  1. Depending on the sources only 1-10% of married men leave their spouses and marry their whores.  I think that’s a pretty wide range but I’m also fairly certain I’ve heard anywhere from 2-3% all the way up to 10%.
  2. Over 75% who marry affair partners eventually divorce.  Color me shocked.  What, you mean two cheaters couldn’t make it work?  What is the world coming to these days?
  3. 80% of those who divorce during an affair regret their decision.  Yeah, it must really suck when reality intrudes on fantasy and the cheater discovers exactly who he or she is stuck with now.
  4. To sum up, for every 100 people who have an affair anywhere from 1-10 of them marry their affair partner.  Of those, statistics say that 75% will divorce within 5 years.  (I wonder what the overall statistics are.  Jezebel and Husband #2 lasted 10 years post marriage.)  Ultimately, MAYBE 1-3 out of 100 live “happily ever after”.

Put another way…

*Chances of affair ending in marriage: 10% or 1 in 10.

Chances of affair marriage divorce: 80% (1 in 5 affair marriages will survive).

Chances of “Happily Ever After” marriage to AP: 2% or 1 in 50 (1 in 10 multiplied by 1 in 5 = 1 in 50 or 2/100 (2%)).

Sure, there are cases where two cheaters end up together. Hell, I’ve said many times people do indeed win the lottery; doesn’t mean you should stake your retirement on those odds. I also realize that pretty much everyone who is engaged in an affair believe that they are special. This affair is different; it’s true love. They are soul mates. The sex is phenomenal and the AP understands the poor cheating spouse like no one else ever could. It is fate, destiny. Okay. Sure. You are different. This really is true love. You are soul mates. It’s destiny. Let’s examine some of these examples of fate and destiny, otherwise known as marriages that resulted from an affair…

I again point to Jezebel and Husband #2. She left her first husband, the father of her children, for her pastor. He was her very best friend. The whole problem between her and her first husband was lack of communication. And the fact that their sex life was nonexistent. When she married Husband #2 people told her she had never looked happier.

But alas… reality set in. Life got real. She decided she had daddy issues which set her up to marry Husband #2, who happened to be 20 years older than her. She re-used the exact same script. New affair partner was now her very best friend. She was wild about him. He made her happy. In fact, people told her they had never seen her looking happier. Imagine that!

Husband #2 was convinced she was worth giving up everything for. And give up everything he did. He lost his church. They struggled financially for many years. He had to get a regular job.

Yet, in the midst of it they were madly in love. They were very best friends. Until life got real and he couldn’t keep up with giving her all the attention (and material goods) that she demanded. Until she found someone else. Now Husband #3 is the love of her life as the clock ticks on his shelf life.

On the bright side for any cheaters out there willing to risk it all for someone with poor morals and lousy character… they did manage to remain married for approximately 10 years. They were together for 14 years, although she was cheating by year 13. So if it blows up it doesn’t always blow up immediately…. unlike the next set of star crossed lovers.

Bonnie and Clyde remain one of my favorite “success” stories. He left his long term marriage for a woman who ended up embezzling from her employer to fund their extravagant lifestyle. I’m not sure what part he played in all of that but I do know he joined her in prison after they were busted. Joined her is not exactly correct. He was sent to the men’s prison while she went to the women’s prison and then onto a halfway house where she met her next husband. Their marriage lasted less than five years and they caused a hell of a lot of destruction during that time.

While I don’t know this next person personally I’ve read her story for many years now. She married her best friend, a man she had dated for 10 years. They had two children. She quit her job to be a stay at home mom at his urging. Then when their youngest was 4 he got another woman pregnant. On purpose. He never did marry his affair partner, but he did eventually move in with her and their shared child. Now he’s cheating on the first other woman and she is appalled that he could do such a thing to her. That bitch actually emailed the ex-wife to complain about it! It was understandable when he was cheating with her on his wife, but now that she was the main course she was stunned he was still looking for a side dish. I’m your destiny!

I was once a part of a large group of friends. Eventually one of the men left his wife for one of her good friends. The story was they just fell in love. My friend ended up putting their house on the market and it sold in less than 24 hours. She sold off all her possessions and moved into an apartment. Their life together was obliterated while he sought out happiness with a woman my friend considered to be one of her best friends. But the two cheaters had so much in common. I believe “so much in common” boiled down to they both liked to golf. At one point the two lovebirds wore matching clothes. Awww… isn’t that sweet? It was another marriage that didn’t last. She’s now married to a man she used to know years ago. He’s just the best husband in the world, according to her Facebook page. Again, a huge amount of damage left behind in the wake of their short-lived fateful marriage.

I have a friend whose sister had a many year affair with a married man. They are now married. His kids refuse to have anything to do with her. It’s still a relatively new marriage. I think they’ve been married around 5 years so we’ll see how it pans out in the long run.

There is another website I used to visit frequently, back in my reconciliation days. I think it’s called Healing From An Emotional Affair. The couple dealt with his emotional affair with a co-worker. During the course of the time they’ve had this blog the wife’s brother had an affair, left his wife and married his mistress. His children have very little to do with him and nothing to do with his wife. And this is years later. Their mother recently died from cancer. Their father paid for the funeral and was in attendance. His wife flew on back home. I won’t say it’s not a happy life because he never speaks about it. It’s always tales from his sister or brother-in-law. It is apparent, though, that the man now has to live two separate lives- one with his kids and one with his wife. That sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

Another friend that I work with had a cheating husband as well. We were comparing stories one day. He cheated on her with his best friend’s wife. Long story short- they divorced their spouses and married each other. They even had twins. Then she cheated on him. Hell, maybe she cheated on him before the twins. Doesn’t matter. She cheated. They divorced. She died. That karma sure is a bitch, huh?

I’m also struck by the number of people who write blogs because they’re either in the midst of a divorce, or have recently divorced.  After reading for a while you suddenly discover that they were the other woman. In one case it’s a man who left his wife for his narcissistic affair partner. It didn’t end well. It usually doesn’t. It’s yet another case of people thinking they are getting this wonderful prize, that they deserved it and the spouse was in their way. Take what you want because you deserve it. And then WHAM! It turns out the shiny, sparkling prize was nothing but a sparkly turd. They are SHOCKED! You would think that most people would be able to connect the dots… if you are with a person who thinks it’s perfectly okay to cheat… you are not with a very good person…. that person has crappy character.  If you are willing to cheat then you, too, have crappy character.

Then there was the woman who left her husband for her affair partner. They got married and shortly thereafter, the new husband killed her. Nothing says true love like murder, right? It’s not quite Romeo and Juliet but it’s so close!

There was also the man who divorced his wife for his mistress. Friends and the ex-wife said she was a gold digger. She denied it, of course. Everything was picture perfect for a while. She eventually befriended his kids and gave birth to two more children for him. They lived a lavish lifestyle, filled with parties, cars, vacations, and big houses. Then the real estate bubble burst and he lost all his money. She soon filed for divorce and eventually had him killed. Yes, I did see that one on ID TV; that does not negate the fact that a man left his wife for his mistress and ended up being killed by her.

I’m sure Stacy Peterson thought she was special and unique when she was having an affair with Drew Peterson. He’s now in prison for her murder. Well, I suppose she was unique in that unlike the ex-wives her body has never been found.

Then there are those who remain married but miserable. As has been pointed out before it’s a farce registered at Macy’s. You destroy a family, you toss away kids, you lose the respect of many close to you so it had all damn well better be worth it.

I’ll never forget the story from a commenter on Chump Lady. Her in-laws married after an affair. She said they were both miserable. MIL got pregnant and FIL left his wife and 3 children for the pregnant mistress.  By all outward appearances they have it all and they look like an amazing couple- multiple homes, flashy cars, lots of outward displays to demonstrate their happy life together.  But it is all a sham, according to the daughter-in-law.  Their lifestyle is supported by charity and handouts.  The FIL is depressed over the fact his 3 previous children have nothing to do with him.  His wife is a functioning alcoholic who is on antidepressants and needs sleep aids to sleep.  They have nothing to do with one another but they can say they’ve been married for 34 years and whenever an anniversary comes along they will celebrate the shit out of it to put on a good face to the crowds.  They have to keep this facade up because otherwise their “great love story” isn’t so great.  It’s just another tawdry affair that devastated lives.

I know; I know. There are undoubtably some cheaters out there who are thinking, “Yes, but none of those people are exactly like me. I need statistics on men who are left-handed, make between $80,000 & $110,000, like to restore vintage record players, went to school in the South, and dislike baseball. Furthermore, my affair partner is a vet tech who excels in math and science and who loves chocolate.”

Sorry. I’m not able to be more precise. I’ve given you story after story where things have not worked out well for the cheaters. The Internet is filled with stories of people who thought they had found a sparkling diamond only to find out it was glitter covered turd. You know what divorce lawyers call affair partners who get married? Repeat business.

I’ll admit sometimes it does work out. It’s rare but it happens. Just like I’m sure that sometimes the hooker with the heart of gold really does wind up getting married to the millionaire like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I wouldn’t start working the streets with that in mind but if someone wants to try it, be my guest. Let me know how it works out for you. By all accounts it’s a disaster.

As for the faithful spouse, the one who was betrayed and left behind here is some uplifting information. I hope it makes you smile. I’m not sure where I found it, but it was written by a marriage and sex therapist who sees this kind of thing all the time.

Overwhelmed by a potent mixture of anger, guilt, and wounded narcissism, they’re often kept afloat by the solace and support of caring friends. The faithful spouse is perceived as the more disadvantaged, almost without fail. After all, the other partner is now comfortably ensconced in a new relationship.

As a sex and marital therapist, I’ve seen lots of marriages dissolve in this pattern, and it has changed how I focus my efforts to help both partners. For all the emotional turmoil monogamous spouses endure, I’ve also known them to emerge from this situation in better emotional shape than they’ve ever enjoyed before. Not so for the spouse who “found someone new” before separating from their current partner, all the while lying about it.

While the pain of the monogamous spouse is immediate and apparent, the fallout for the adulterous spouse is usually longer in coming and less predictable–until you understand what’s going on.

Some people become richer, fuller, happier human beings by staying in their marriages; others accomplish this by getting divorced. But I’ve never seen growth occur when someone continues an extramarital affair while ending their marriage.

“I’ve outgrown you”–sugar-coated as “We’ve grown apart”–is often the stated reason for the split. They may look like they’re standing on their own two feet, or even standing up to their spouse, but when there’s an extramarital affair going on, it only seems that way. Such behavior is a charade of independence, integrity and personal growth, not the real thing. The departing spouse isn’t just holding onto a “new” partner while they let go of the other; more often, they’re leaning on the new partner because they can’t or won’t stand up–or hold onto–themselves.

A Friend Request From Jezebel

December 2014

Merry Christmas to me. This year I got a friend request from my traitorous sister-in-law. No, thank you. I still have the knife with which you stabbed me lodged firmly in my back. And you never know when my husband might decide he’s madly in love with someone else and we both know once he’s done with me you no longer know my name. So let’s not even bother. Of course, my daughter caved and I’m sure she’ll be kissing her ass in no time. Little traitor. I suppose I need to act like an adult and encourage her relationship with her aunt. But I don’t wanna!

Present Day Sam Says: Not even two months later that bitch is begging him to leave me. With friends like her who would need enemies, am I right? Now she’s busy telling Harley and CF that she “loves them both!”

 

 

Always a Victim, Never the Perpetrator

December 2014

It looks like Christmas will be spent with my family and we’ll leave on the 27th to go down to his home state and then turn around and head back home on the 28th. I offered to stay through the 30th but he doesn’t want to. I find that strange since he’s always going on about how he doesn’t think his mom has much time left. You’d think he would want to spend more time with her. <shrug> Not my family, not my problem. I hope he’s bought Christmas gifts for them. And if his sister and her family show up I’m leaving. I can handle his mom and stepdad. I cannot deal with everyone. I especially cannot deal with her.

It’s strange to realize this will be the first time I’ve been there since April 2012. Almost 3 years. That’s a long time. It’s also the first time I will have been there since his affair- almost 2 years since he started his affair and a year and a half since he confessed to his mom and everyone else in his family undoubtedly learned the truth.

I know he’s said before no one has ever mentioned it and no one will. It’s still unsettling, wondering what everyone is thinking, wondering if they’re blaming me or thinking I’m an idiot for staying, wondering if they’re all wishing he would have divorced me and ended up with Harley. I suppose I will do my best to ignore those thoughts and try to be pleasant. It’s about 24 hours. I can do this.

Added later:  And a Christmas miracle has been granted! His sister will be in Florida when we get there.  Hooray!

The Hot Mess Express

December 2014

Watch out, folks; she is decompressing rapidly! His sister just texted me and wished me a happy anniversary. Briefly checked to make sure she had kept it off of Facebook. I’m conflicted, which is why I’m decompressing.

Do you celebrate your anniversary to simply commemorate the day you got married? Or do you celebrate for another reason? Because the way I feel sometimes is that December xxx is simply the day we got married. Nothing to celebrate. People celebrate their anniversary because they’re celebrating their marriage- their successful, happy marriage. They’re celebrating the fact that they achieved another year of marriage and they want to continue being married. They’re celebrating all they’ve achieved as a married couple through the years. I suppose I could be Zen and reflect on the fact that any couple that survives adultery should surely have bragging rights as far as surviving and fighting for their marriage. But to me it feels fake. Once you introduce another person into your marriage that marriage doesn’t mean as much. Oh, I know. I’ve got the bone analogy and my winding road/highway journey analogy. But I’m feeling sorry for myself and am once again near tears so let me dwell in despair. I can’t put it any better than to say it feels fake. My husband was married to me and thought he was in love with another woman. Excuse me, I mean whore. So how do we ever celebrate again? Every time I see a picture of us on our wedding day I think, “We were so young and naive. Untouched by his fling with a whore. And now we’re tainted. Our vows were tossed away. Our wedding date means nothing. It’s just the day he lied.” I suppose most couples married for a long time have difficulties. Hell, maybe those who are celebrating their 50th have been plagued with infidelity. I simply don’t like it and our anniversary always leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.

December xxx, 1994 he told me he loved me. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. His future was with me. He was forsaking all others. I moved around the country with him. I suffered 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy with him. I gave him 2 children. I had his back and I was always his biggest cheerleader. But April or May of 2013 came around and suddenly he was in love with someone else. He claimed to want a future with someone else; he wanted to marry the whore. He spent 3 1/2 months lying to me, deceiving me, humiliating me. And then I found out in August he was still seeing her and I told him I was done with this shit. Shit or get off the pot. Pick one. Finally it was supposedly over and we’re just supposed to go back to normal. Well, I’m sorry but I feel like it’s the same as trying to get into the Guiness Book of World Records. You don’t kiss a person for 18 1/2 hours, trying to break the record, and then pause. You don’t get to go kiss another girl, or eat lunch or take a nap for 3 1/2 hours and then come back and resume where you left off. You lost. You’ve got to start all over. That’s the way I feel about… I don’t know. A betrayed marriage. A fake anniversary. You don’t invest over 18 years and then go lose your mind for 3 1/2 months and then when you’re busted, turn around and say, “Let’s resume where we left off.” You’ve got to start over. So, maybe I’ll look at it as we’re on year 2 of our marriage. I guess he could have saved all that money he spent on the platinum dipped rose and just gone with whatever year 2 is.

Added later: To clarify when I say his sister I am not referring to Jezebel. That would have been a hoot. Actually, that would have never happened. She is too self involved to remember anything about anyone else and quite frankly I would have found her congratulations to be more than a bit hollow.

Added later: I got a text from my dad, Mom and mother-in-law. Or my mother-in-law might have called instead. Told me that 20 years was quite an accomplishment. Yeah, if you count your husband having an affair as an accomplishment.

 

 

Choosing To Drink It All In

When you left us, I was so sad.  And after I was done being sad I got mad.  And when the anger left me, I decided to drink in everything you walked away from.  Everything you decided wasn’t worth hanging around for, I embraced it, loved it… I hung around for it.

I was looking through the archives over on Chump Lady, trying to find her scathing post on remarriage between affair partners when I came across this: This is What You Missed, You Idiot. If you really want to cry some tears head on over to HuffPo and read the actual article by the terrific Jennifer Ball who writes the fabulous blog, Happy Hausfrau.

I have a friend who is in much the same boat as I. We moved across the country at roughly the same time. She announced she and her husband were divorcing in June and two months later I discovered my husband was once again lying and cheating.

She has family in Utah so she ended up moving back with her four kids. The husband stayed behind with his mistress and her kids. In my case I moved back in with my mom after the husband moved to another state to work with his best friend and be closer to the mistress and her kids.

Folks, this woman is incredible. She’s raising four kids essentially on her own. Their father is over 2000 miles away, living a brand new life which doesn’t include his own children. She hired a nanny, she found kickass employment (she’s a programmer), she participates in community theater, she takes her kids to Disneyland, and she goes to Vegas on fun vacations. She’s doing it ALL and she does it alone.

She’s there for every tear and every laugh. She’s there for parent-teacher conferences and performances. She’s there for game night and ice cream and when everybody is melting down. She’s there to help her oldest daughter navigate this incredibly hard journey of discovering she’s been abandoned by her adored father. She is drinking it all in and doing a fabulous job, all while beating herself up because she can’t do the same things she used to be able to do when she was a stay-at-home mom. I told her one time that we weren’t the same moms we used to be. Our husbands made sure of that. Instead we are kickass survivors raising some great kids.

She is the friend who sent me a gift basket last year for Valentine’s Day because she knew I probably needed to be cheered up. For long time readers you might recall that last year, the day after Valentine’s Day was the day I learned that CF had quit his job of 15 years and moved out of state.

She’s stayed in touch and we check up on each other and compare stories. She told me that right after she took her own kids to Disney, their father took the new family to DisneyWorld. Schmuck! Putz! Tool! Evil sonofabitch! Piss poor excuse for a father!

I’m sure the knife in her heart was as sharp as the one that stabbed me when I realized that CF could sport a t-shirt with the fake kid’s high school on it and attend her cheer competition because “he wanted to support her”, despite the fact that he never once came to support his own damn daughter at any of her high school activities, much less wear a t-shirt to demonstrate his pride. EVER!

Strangely enough I had just attended a track meet for Rock Star the other night. My mom and I left after she finished competing and I sent her a text letting her know we were stopping for dinner if she wanted to join us.

I’ve always thought Picasso was the funny kid. He was always saying off the wall stuff, generally because he is so damn literal. But over the years I’ve discovered that Rock Star is a riot.

The other night was no exception. She had me in stitches. She does this thing where she gives names to everyone around her. People she doesn’t even know. And then she has this one-sided conversation with them. She’s so deadpan in her delivery. She apparently had taken over the restaurant as the manager and she was giving everyone tips on how to improve their service. The comments never ended and I was laughing so hard I couldn’t eat.

He’s missing that. He’s missing this incredible person she has become. He misses her attitude (okay, how much can anyone really miss that, right?) and her grit and determination. He is missing her as she transitions from this kid who lived and breathed for gymnastics into an athlete who is cheering and doing track. He completely missed her new life back in Virginia, where she was the star on the gymnastics and cheer teams. He never once saw her compete or cheered her on. She was incredible. Fantastic. He never attended Sectionals her freshman year, where she was the only kid in our area to advance to Regionals. And he wasn’t there her sophomore year when she not only advanced to Regionals, but was the first kid from our high school in years to advance to States. He chose to miss that because he was too busy living his new life with a whore and her kids.

But I was there. I watched our daughter compete against Level 9s and 10s, girls who practice every day, every day of the year, to earn her spot and advance. I was there for her final meet, cheering her on and taking pictures.

I was there at every cheerleading competition, screaming her name and cheering for her and her teammates. I’m going to be honest. I didn’t attend every home football game, but I was at most of them, watching her as opposed to the actual game most of the time. And I definitely was there to pick her up! I usually took her and her friends out to eat afterwards and then would take the kids home.

And I’m there now- watching her cheer. Watching her run hurdles for the first time. Watching her sprint. Watching her pole vault. I get to see all of that. He is missing out.

He missed out on meeting the three guys she dated. He missed out on seeing her dressed up for Homecoming last year. He missed out on teaching her to drive and to parallel park. He missed out on the tears that were shed when she realized she wasn’t getting her license on time. Wouldn’t want to see that, though, huh? Especially since it was his fault. He missed seeing the smile on her face when she got her permit the first time, and the huge smile on her face when she passed her driver’s test. He missed out on seeing her get her first car.

She has no desire to take him out for breakfast when it’s been a few days since she’s seen him. She doesn’t tell him, “You need to spend some quality time with me,” like she does me. She doesn’t tell him about her day, or her life. She hasn’t filled him in on everything that is going on with track. She doesn’t tell him she loves him every time she leaves him. I get all of those things.

He has no idea who her teachers are, who her friends are, or what she’s up to. None.

He wasn’t there when she got her first job and he has no idea she has excelled at it, or that her bosses love her. He has no idea she is part of the so-called “dream team”.

He has no idea that Picasso is planning on going out for football this fall. He missed seeing his band performances last year. He missed going on field trips with him. He missed taking him to the store so that he could get what he needed in order to make his costume last year and the year before. He has no idea the hard work he put into either of those costumes. As with Rock Star he has no idea who his friends are, who his teachers are, what kind of grades he’s getting or how he spends his days. He doesn’t know how his son always seems to have a huge group of female friends.

He’s missed the orchestra concerts and the choir concerts. He’s missed the new drawings. He’s missed his funny commentary. He has no idea that Picasso has been growing his hair out or that it’s long enough for me to mess with him (my kid) and put it up in a ponytail and a man bun. He hated that one, btw! He’ll never understand why I laugh when I think of picking out the wooded background for school pictures because ultimately, Picasso decided to wear a suit for picture day this year. He has no idea how tall his son has gotten in the last two years.

He’s not the one who drops Picasso off at the roller skating rink or a friend’s house so he can hang out.

Picasso doesn’t walk into a room and hug him. He doesn’t tell him that he loves him. Picasso doesn’t want Deadpool to be “their thing”; he wants it to be our thing. He didn’t get to take him to see the first Star Wars in the new trilogy, or Rogue One. I’m going to be the one taking him to see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. CF hasn’t taken him out for dinner or to a movie or spent any time with him in almost two years. He has missed all of his son’s incredibleness. He doesn’t get to hear his son tell him things like, “You’re the best dad ever!” or “Hug!” or “I love you.” No, his son says about him, “My dad is dead to me,” and “He’s a douche.” He mocks him and says in a tearful voice, imitating his father, “I was in a war! I fought in the soccer squadron.”

He’s missed all of the holidays with his kids since August of 2015. He hasn’t attended a single sporting event or school event since that time. He hasn’t had a single in person conversation with either of his kids since that time. He hasn’t seen either of his kids since he walked out the door on February 3rd, 2016 without saying a single word.

I had forgotten Rock Star was home when he left for the last time. Maybe Picasso was, too. I don’t know where I was. I just know I returned in the morning and my mom told me he had left. I have no idea what I was doing or where I had been. So when I asked Rock Star why she was taking this so hard when she hadn’t been all that close to her dad before she told me, “Mom, I was sitting there in the other room. He walked out the door without saying anything to me. Not, ‘I love you’, or ‘Goodbye,’ or anything. He just left.” That explains so much of why she’s had a hard time with this.

I’m going to take the advice in that article. I’m going to be there for them. I have been there for them. I will continue to embrace them, their lives, their quirks, the laughter and tears they create. I will drink it all in. While he’s cheering on the fake daughter that he’s “not that close” to, I’ll be cheering on our daughter. While he’s attending show and tell with one of his new fake sons I’ll be attending our son’s concerts and taking him to the movies. When our daughter graduates next year I’ll be there, watching her walk across that stage and planning her graduation party. He won’t be anywhere around. Same for Picasso a few years later. When it’s time to make decisions regarding colleges he will have no idea what they are considering, or where they end up attending. I will. When they get married and when grandchildren make their appearances (should any of that actually happen) I will be there. I’ll be the one that can reminisce with them throughout the years.  He’s missing out on all of this for a whore and her four kids. His loss.