My mom is my rock. She does my laundry. She cooks dinner. She chauffeurs my kids around when I can’t. She irons and sews. I truly don’t know what I would do without her. Oh, it’s not all about her helping me out. We have a lot of laughs most days.
With that in mind, it is time for more “Shit My Mom Says”! This will be much shorter. I don’t have as much material to work with this time around, but she does have a few doozies.
Let’s begin with the fruit cup/drainers commercial. You know the one, right? Two couples are sitting around a picnic table, opening their fruit cups, when one part of one of the couples says to their better half, “Oh, they’re drainers.”
The drainers are befuddled. What? You mean you don’t drain the juice/syrup out of your fruit cup?
No, we are civilized people. We drink our juice!
My mother’s commentary? Well la-dee-da! Aren’t they fucking special?
We’ve got a nice little rotation of ID TV, Wheel of Fortune, and Jeopardy going on here. She’s also a big fan of Dancing With the Stars and watches religiously, but that’s neither here nor there. Currently, she’s a little upset that the grand prize on Wheel of Fortune always seems to be $34k. That’s what she said just the other day. “$34k? It’s always $34k!” Last night we watched and the guy won $45k. I thought she was going to shit herself.
And tonight during Jeopardy, when the man won, she said, “Oh good. I didn’t like either of the women. They both annoyed me. The one talked so slowly I thought she was on drugs and the other one smiled the entire time.”
For a woman who frequently tells me that this divorce has given me a really bad attitude she is quite the bitter bunny herself when it comes to my STBX. Just the other day she referred to him as Fuck Face and then diagnosed him with what she called pussy-itis.
I think my favorite, however, is her fascination with the mail. I personally can go weeks without checking the mailbox. It wouldn’t bother me to never get another letter again in the mailbox. I’ll bring it in and dump it on the table and then go through it at a later date. Not my mom. Oh good God no! Just the other day she put a letter from my attorney right on top of all my mail. I do not wish to deal with divorce related crap as of late so I buried it under some of my other mail. I swear to God- I turned my back for a millisecond and that letter was right back on top!
And the poor mailman. I swear she knows his route by heart. She can identify the whirl of his postal truck’s engine. She knows when he’s supposed to stop by her house. She’s waiting for that postal carrier like a territorial dog. I’m pretty sure she paces by the window until he pulls up. Then she darts out to go grab it AND immediately sorts it. She gets offended if I don’t immediately open my mail that she has sorted for me. See above example regarding the letter from the lawyer. I *still* don’t know what she sent.
Finally, my mother constantly accuses me of being a food hoarder. She tells people all the time that she did not starve me as a child so she has no idea why I am so insistent on jamming my cabinets and refrigerator with food.
As many of you may know she was in Florida for 3 months so all the cooking fell on me. I did my best to clean out the refrigerator before she got back but I obviously fell a little short because one day she was rummaging through the fridge.
“Why on earth are there two boxes of chicken broth in here?” she asked.
I replied, with a straight face, “Because three would have been too many.”