Discarded

Have you ever listened to a song and had it take your breath away?  I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately. The why is neither here nor there. Most of the music is old- 80s and 90s.

I was listening to Patty Loveless and her song “How Can I Help You Say Good-bye?”  I knew there was the verse in there about the husband and wife divorcing but I didn’t think anything about it because the final verse where she’s saying goodbye to her mom is the one that always guts me. And then I heard it…

I sat on our bed, he packed his suitcase

I held a picture of our wedding day

His hands were trembling, we both were crying

He kissed me gently and then he quickly turned away

Normally, I don’t think about this too much but for some reason that day it suddenly struck me: I wasn’t even worth that much. There were no tender moments (I realize I would have attempted homicide had he tried). There was no crying between two people who had been married for years. There was no reminiscing, no fake displays of sentimentality. I was simply discarded. He got in his car, drove to work, and then after work drove 7 hours to his new home and his life. Out with the old; in with the new and whore-ish.

Even more recently I was listening to Patty again. I was in a very good mood. And then I listened to “Hurt Me Bad”. It’s supposed to be a positive song.

Would have never found you

If he had wanted to stay

Oh he hurt me bad in a real good way

See?  A positive song about the good that can come out of a broken relationship. Finding a new, better relationship. Or not. But then came the line…

When I look back on my life before

How my heart got shattered

with a slammin’ door….

The words literally took my breath away and I gasped for air. Because again, there was no slamming door. He slunk out like a yellow-bellied coward. I was nothing. Not a single thought. No fights. No yelling. No slamming doors. Just gradually pack up your shit and drive away while I’m out of the house. No confrontation. No explanation. I wasn’t worth an explanation or a goodbye.

Most days I have made my peace with it. Most days I truly don’t care and I’m thankful he’s out of my life. As one of my dear, dear friends put it: CF was a bottomless pit who needed you to fill that and it wasn’t your job to make him happy.

But on these two occasions it struck me how I was completely and totally discarded without a single backwards glance. I spent twenty years with this person. I followed him around the country. I gave up life after life. I did whatever he wanted. I tried to be whatever it was he wanted. In the end it was never enough and he callously tossed me aside for his whore of a cousin.

As if that’s not enough he callously discarded me and now wants to continue to ruin me. He’s cost us our house, our new life, and pretty much everything I’ve ever owned. He’s left us destitute and still refuses to pay support even though he’s working once again. He’s trying to get out of this marriage with everything, leaving me with nothing.

Someone said to me recently: He really broke your heart when he walked out, didn’t he? No, he really didn’t, was my response. He pissed me off. And that is how I usually think of it. He pissed me off. He fucked with my life. He made a fool of me. He played me. He lied to me.

However, there are times it does hurt. It’s those times when I allow myself to feel the extent of  what he did. It’s those times that I wonder how people ever learn to trust in new relationships. I mean I realize that they do. You can’t swing a cat without hitting someone who has been dumped and is now in a new relationship. But then I’m left to wonder if that new person will wake up one day and see what CF saw. I wonder if that new person will see the shortcomings and the faults the way that CF did and decide I’m not worth it. And once again someone will slink out the door without saying a word. Of course that would be quite the feat seeing as how I won’t live with anyone again.

I should probably listen to better, more upbeat music, huh? The good news is I don’t often feel this way. Usually I’ve got my shit together. I know he’s the problem, not me. I know it’s not normal to discard people. I know that what he did was wrong and no reflection on me. But some days… well, some days the sheer cruelty of what he did manages to take my breath away.

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15 thoughts on “Discarded

  1. “I spent twenty years with this person. I followed him around the country. I gave up life after life. I did whatever he wanted. I tried to be whatever it was he wanted.”

    “He fucked with my life. He made a fool of me. He played me. He lied to me.”

    “But then I’m left to wonder if that new person will wake up one day and see what CF saw. I wonder if that new person will see the shortcomings and the faults the way that CF did and decide I’m not worth it. And once again someone will slink out the door without saying a word. Of course that would be quite the feat seeing as how I won’t live with anyone again.”

    “Usually I’ve got my shit together. I know he’s the problem, not me. I know it’s not normal to discard people. I know that what he did was wrong and no reflection on me. But some days… well, some days the sheer cruelty of what he did manages to take my breath away.”

    All these words above…you gave words to things I didn’t know how to express. Thank you. I wish I know how to leave. There is so much fear. I know you haven’t had an easy time and it has been very very hard…but I envy your freedom.

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    1. If you really want to leave start lining your ducks up. Start planning.

      Life has been so tough since June 10th but you know what? I’m going to survive. If you ever decide to leave you’ll survive, too. (((Hugs)))

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh yes, music is very powerful indeed. It stirs up a lot of feelings and sometimes emotions we didn’t even know we had. Time to listen to something fun and empowering, something that embodies who you are now ❤

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  3. You know, I’m not sure he left you like you were nothing, Sam. I think he skunk out the way he did because he knew enough to fear you and your reaction. Because you are one tough motherfucker and no WAY would you have let him off easy, had he told you what he was doing. You’d have made him confront his assholery, douchebaggery, and stupidity, and he couldn’t take it. He knew he couldn’t.
    And even now, the only way can live with what he’s done is to throw everything thing he has at making himself into the victim. That’s the only way he can live with what he’s done. He is figuratively the kid wailing on the flow with his fingers in his ears, screeching so he can’t hear the truth: he’s a worthless, twatwaffle cum stain who brings everyone’s life to ruin.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You may be onto something, Fuzzball. I remember reading on Chump Lady about “those who leave”. Her basic premise is that in many ways we are lucky. They don’t stick around to mindfuck us. They looked us over and figured there was no way they could get away with any of that shit so they packed up and left. I’d like to believe that’s what happened. I hope you are correct. And thank you so much for saying so.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think your friend was right – you would have spent the rest of your life living for him now you get to live for YOU and I know it seems like it’s just going to be shitty I don’t believe that because YOU are an amazing person and I have no doubt that in less than five years you will look back and think that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

    Secondly, anyone that can abandon their own damn kids without a backward glance is a VERY DISORDERED person and you should feel very lucky that he is not in your life anymore.

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    1. You are so very right. Even now, through all the tough times, it’s been so nice not having to placate his moods. I don’t have to listen to his stupid stories. I don’t have to listen to him whine. I don’t have to listen to him play victim. It’s lovely.

      You are also correct about a person who can abandon his own kids. I absolutely know this. I only hope they do, too.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I am haunted by the idea that a man could leave his family like yours did. To have an icy heart that makes that an option is impossible for me to understand. My daughter graduated HS yesterday and creating a life for her to experience love, share joy with others, achieve success and receive comfort for failures has been the fire inside me from the first moment I laid eyes on her. I would rather die a horrible death than be excluded her from her life (by either of our choice).

    I love your nickname for your daughter – Rock Star. That’s what I called her for years when she was younger until she said “Daddy, just call me “H-” that’s the name you picked out and I love it.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww, what a sweet story about your daughter. I rarely call mine that outside of this blog. She has plenty of other nicknames though.

      I don’t understand it either. I can no more envision myself leaving my kids than I can envision myself cutting off my own head. Of course, in his own mind he loves them more than life itself and the only reason he has no relationship with them is because I’ve poisoned them against him.

      Congratulations on your daughter’s graduation. Mine graduates next year and I’m already getting teary eyed.

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  6. He was an idiot. Cowards, they cannot face reality so they run. –Trust. You put your heart out there again. You take that risk. It’s scary. It is opening yourself up to the possibility of history repeating itself.
    You are wiser now. You know it’s him not you. You know that someone who truly loves you loves you faults and all. You are such a good writer.

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