The Beginning of Sam’s Own Downward Spiral

February 2015

Came home from a dentist appointment to find the pastor here. And yet another text message to Jezebel where he tells her I hate him. She called the pastor for him. It looks like once again he can either have a relationship with her or one with me. He’s incapable of doing both. And he’s so messed up right now I can’t even tell him how hurt and angry I am.

I’m done. I’m done decorating. I’m done with any thoughts of a pool. I’m done with life. I’m done with any hope he’ll get better and we’ll actually have some sort of family life. I’m done dreaming and planning. I’m just waiting for death.

Present Day Sam Says: Yep, he did it. He pretty much began breaking me right around this time. I just remember feeling so helpless and defeated.

February 2015

I wrote this the other day: I think they’re in contact again. She’s no longer in The Saint’s list of contacts once again and my MIL asked for prayers for my husband and Harley liked it. Why on earth would she be liking anything having to do with my husband at this point?

He knows about my other page and is convinced I hate him and haven’t forgiven him. So it wouldn’t surprise me to find out he’s reached out to her. Maybe this was the plan the entire time. Maybe they never lost contact.

He’s been hospitalized. I’m crossing my fingers that insurance pays for this because otherwise we’ll be paying for it for the rest of our lives. And I’m sure anyone reading this would say: What a bitch! She’s worrying about money and her husband is in the hospital. Yeah, well, guess what? ONE of us has to take care of it and that person is usually me. So, yes, I will worry. I will worry for the both of us so he doesn’t have to.

I’ve had to talk to Jezebel. I’ve been talking to his mom. She says he told her I’ve never said I forgive him. I’m so tired of all of this.

And I’d like to send a big old thanks out to Blockhead for telling him about my page because I’m fairly certain that’s what has sent him on his downward spiral. You just couldn’t wait to report on everything you found, but now where are you? Are you here taking care of him? Will you be paying his hospital bill? I didn’t tell him any of that because I knew he couldn’t handle it. I’ve lived with him for 20 years. He wants to bury his head in the sand and pretend like everything is great. And before you run away with that and tell him, “She said everything is shit!” by pretending everything is great I mean he doesn’t want to have to deal with any insecurities I may have, any triggers that may occur. He lied to me. He cheated on me. He told someone else he loved her. He was planning on marrying her. You don’t get to say, “Okay, I’m done with all of that now. You can trust me.” And have that happen overnight.

I can’t even ask him about her because of his state of mind. But I think he reached out to her and she’s reaching back. No, that’s putting it too mildly. I think they’re fucking around again. I don’t think I was ever his first choice. I think he called her and told her I knew and when she asked him what they were going to do I think he told her he was going to divorce me so they could be together. Then I think he texted me and told me he didn’t want to lose any of us so I wouldn’t leave and take the kids. Remember, I already had plane tickets because my stepdad had just died. He was buying time. And then I think she got cold feet and called it off. He then spent his time trying to turn me into her. Well, honey, if she’s the one you want then go get her.

Present Day Sam Says:  I have no idea when they reconnected.  I have no idea when Tammy Faye suggested that Harley contact him.  I don’t know why I suspected they were back in contact; I have no proof either way.  Things were just so bad at this point.  I can’t explain why I believed they were back in contact; I just did. No, actually I think it was because of Harley liking Tammy Faye’s post asking for prayers. I think it’s quite possible that this is the point in time that they reconnected at his mother’s urging.

You want to know the worst part? No one could contact him without a code. I was the one who had that code and gave it out. That means I gave his mother the code so she could contact him and she more than likely turned around and gave it to Harley so that Harley could call my husband while he was in the psych ward. Nice!

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