Let me begin by saying my husband is home finally. I’m thankful for that. He also says he thinks his time there did him some good. No, we haven’t talked about my page or his belief I’m going to leave him. I guess at some point we’re going to have to. It’s difficult finding a good time. When he’s depressed and anxious I don’t feel like I can say anything because I don’t want to pile on. When everything is good I don’t want to bring it up and spoil the good times.
I’ve been reading a lot about acceptance and moving on from the affair. A lot of what they say makes sense. But here’s where I get stuck. I don’t feel like I’ve ever had all of my questions answered honestly. It’s been vague and half truths, trickle truth. Did you talk to her on the phone often? No. Turns out he called her every morning on his drive into work. Did you tell her you loved her before Jezebel’s wedding? Did you say I love you immediately? No, to both. Turns out they were talking about marriage and he was telling people he was going to marry her before he even half-assed confessed to me less than 2 weeks after it started. Why did her husband think I needed a lawyer? I don’t know. Turns out it was because they were talking about leaving their spouses and getting married. Did you have plans to meet up? No. Turns out he was going to bring her with him to get his tattoo. And she was going to get one, too. Hell, his entire first confession was a lie. The only part that was true was the fact he was texting Harley.
How can I honestly say I believe him when he lies to me? When he refuses to give me straight answers? When he lies to his sister about me? It’s like after 20 years with the man I finally realize that he and the truth don’t exist on the same planet. So again, how do you believe someone that looks you in the eye and just lies?
How do you go on and put it behind you when everyone in his family is still in contact with Harley and they all love her and fawn over her? She has a window into our lives. And that’s assuming they’re not actually fucking around again.
I buried my head in the sand before. I tried to come up with explanations for things that made no sense. Well this time around here’s what doesn’t make sense. I know that their plan was to move him closer, move us closer, so they could be together. I don’t have specifics because, of course, he couldn’t remember, or kept it deliberately vague. The plan as far as I know was to move closer so he could fuck his whore on the weekends and have his kids with him full time with me playing nanny, maid, and cook. We’ve moved closer. At the same time we were buying a house it became clear things weren’t going well with her and her husband. For all I know she deliberately left her page public for me so that when she locked it down again I would be suspicious. But, we buy a house as it seems she’s heading for divorce. He tries to keep me off the deed. I have a meltdown. He has a meltdown. Was it real or was he keeping it together for her? We move. Within 5 months she’s liking my MIL’s status where she says if you have a handsome son… Then she’s liking her status when she asks for prayers for him. Am I really expected to ignore that as coincidence? It wasn’t coincidence last time.
Again, I ask, how do you put it all behind you and focus on this fucking future everyone speaks of when she’s never gone? When so many things come up that are suspicious?
The only thing I have to cling to is what others tell me. His mom telling me he thinks I’m going to leave him and that I haven’t forgiven him. His sane sister telling me he loves me and he’s scared to death of me leaving him. Him, when he’s drunk, telling me I’m his rock, his savior, his everything. He credits me with saving him.
I try to focus on that but I don’t want to be taken for a fool. I have no desire to be blindsided. So I remain vigilant.
Present Day Sam Says: You have no idea how difficult it was to write this: It’s like after 20 years with the man I finally realize that he and the truth don’t exist on the same planet. It was heart wrenching. It was facing a truth I didn’t want to face and so I spackled over it yet again. I’m saying the words but I refuse to believe them. All those “coincidences” probably weren’t a coincidence at all. They probably were in contact, or at least Tammy Faye had suggested it. The sad part is what I wrote is so true. He doesn’t exist on the same planet as the truth. He lies constantly. He rewrites history. He makes shit up. It’s scary to see where I realized that and then shut the door on it so that I could live my so-called perfect little life with an intact family.