A Little Slice of Fate

Back in June I wrote about the one year anniversary of my life falling apart when good ol’ Zack basically got fired from his job and just washed his hands of us. Out of sight; out of mind. I was with the mobster that weekend. The significance of that date barely registered because of the company I was keeping.

As fate would have it the anniversary of us moving back to my home state is rapidly approaching. Once again I will be with the mobster, and once again I bet I will take note of the date, shrug, and turn my attention to the future.

Is it fate? Was he an angel sent to help erase the painful past? Was it just dumb luck? Whatever it was, whatever this is, I’ll take it! I am infinitely grateful that he’s in my life.

Watching Someone Else’s Shit Show

Three channels. That’s all they’ve got, according to Chump Lady. Charm, rage and self pity.

I’ve only seen rage and self pity from my shit eating chimp. My mobster gets to see all three from his lovely delusional STBX.

I wrote once upon a time that maybe I got lucky with CF basically vanishing from our lives. Watching my mobster go through the things he’s had to endure makes me at least somewhat thankful for my situation. I don’t have to worry about running into CF or Harley. That’s a constant worry for him. It’s a small town to begin with. They’re everywhere. She still attends events for the kids and often brings her man whore with her. I, on the other hand, never see CF and Harley.

I don’t have to watch my kids go off with him (or him and her) and wonder if they’ll forget about everything I’ve gone through to keep things stable for them, or if they’ll begin to accept the whore.

A mere two days after we began talking Mobster’s son graduated from high school. This meant he would end up seeing the STBX, especially because her relatives were staying with him.

Fortunately, she left her AP at home so Mobster didn’t have to deal with that. But at the end of the festivities she asked him if she could have a hug.

Are you taking notes? This person who has been lying, cheating, and gas lighting, who walked out on her husband and kids to go live with another man, is actually asking the person she has cruelly betrayed to comfort her. Can you believe this shit?

That’s what they do. They destroy everything. They do whatever the hell they want. Then when consequences hit they are suddenly the poor innocent victim in need of comfort and understanding.

Can I have a hug? I just want to make sure I can keep you on the hook. I’ll throw a few kibbles your way and let you think if you wait long enough you might still have a shot with me.

Can I have a hug? I’m suddenly realizing everything I’ve given up. And Mr. Perfect isn’t quite as perfect and wonderful as I thought. So maybe you could hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay and you still love me and want me no matter how badly I’ve treated you.

I told him from the very beginning that once she realized there was someone else that she would be back. It’s all part of what Chump Lady calls “hoovering”. They hoover around trying to suck you back in. He disagreed, saying she was happy with this new guy; he was everything she said she wanted. And she definitely didn’t want him back.

I then patiently explained to him that neither of his two points had anything to do with her coming back around.

You are her Plan B, her backup. You have never left her up until this point, even after everything she has done. You didn’t leave her this time because of the affair. You asked her to quit drinking. She fully expects you to be there when and if this new romance fails.

I’d go so far as to say she expects him to be pining for her even if this new relationship lasts forever. She considers him hers. No matter what.

That’s who they are. It’s what they do. They are selfish and think only of themselves. We are inconsequential to them. You hear about it. You read the wise words of those who have already traveled this path. But you don’t always fully believe it until you’ve experienced it. It’s fascinating.

Can I just tell everyone now that I am a freaking prophet? That, or I read a lot of Chump Lady. Because his STBX is hoovering hard. And she is flipping through all three channels like crazy. And again I find it fascinating because it is so completely textbook.

Shortly after discovering I existed she suddenly got a wild hair up her ass and decided she needed to get more of her belongings from the house. She had to go through their youngest, or maybe she chose to do so; either way she was highly irate that he had, up until that point, refused to have contact with her.

Oh, here it comes! Here comes the rage: You need to be a real man and talk to me.

Translation: How dare you cut off my supply? Why are you ignoring me? You want me! You can’t live without me! So start acting like it. Know your place and fall into line or I shall have to insult your manliness. You’re being a big meanie for ignoring me. You’re being a child! Grow up and grovel before me like a real man!

When rage doesn’t work she decides to flip the switch over to self pity. She tells him she tried to kill herself.

Translation: Don’t you want to worry about me and tell me not to do such things? Don’t you feel sorry for me? Ride in on your white horse and rescue me! Show me you care, dammit!

But wait! There’s more! She’s also able to turn on the charm. She told him he was the best she had ever had. And, when asked point blank what it was she wanted, did she want to still be his wife, her response was to assure him she would move back home in a heartbeat but the kids wouldn’t allow that.

Bravo!  I like what you’ve done there. Stroke his ego. Make him feel like he’s special and like he’s got something no one else ever will. Then keep his hopes alive by letting him think you’d dump your married lover and come back to him in a second if only the children you gave birth to would only accept you and let you live in the home they don’t pay for. Those damn kids!

Actually, I think my favorite part was when she coyly told him, “We can’t do this!”

Oh, kibbles, kibbles! How delightful.

He shut that down quickly by telling her he didn’t know what the hell she was talking about and he was never having sex with her again.

And just to make sure she followed the textbook to a T she managed to pull out the ol’ “I want to be friends,” card. Again, stunning work. It’s not original at all but the copy was truly outstanding.

Yes, let’s be friends. I can’t imagine why anyone who has been lied to and betrayed wouldn’t want to be “friends” with the person who lied, cheated, backstabbed, gaslighted, and betrayed them. You don’t want to be friends with someone like that? That’s crazy talk!

Apparently in his quest for closure they met for coffee the next day. I guess that’s when he told her he was moving on and he had every intention of getting remarried someday. He wasn’t going to let her be his final chapter. She must have been on the charm channel, fully believing that his invitation to have coffee must be code for, “I want you back!”, because he said the tone of the conversation changed once he told her about his feelings for me and how he was going to marry me someday even though I thought he was crazy.

Then she told him she would call him at lunch. You’ve gotta admire her persistence. She cannot believe he would ever be done with her, can she? He told her not to bother because I would be calling and we always talk at lunch.

That pissed her right off; here comes the rage again. “Fine! Go have fun with your girlfriend!”

Thankfully he was able to see the absurdity in the situation as well.

As he said, so she’s pissed off that he’s seeing someone after she moved out of their house, left him and their kids, and moved in with her fuck buddy?

Yes, Mobster, that about sums it up. As I’ve told you you are her backup plan. You are supposed to sit around and wait for her. You are supposed to be at her beck and call. You are supposed to remain faithful to her until your dying day.

Now she’s back to texting and calling. He has her blocked on texting but not on phone calls so if she calls, her text messages show up as archived.

She called 11 times one evening and then turned around and called 14 times the next morning. And I’m not talking about “call once, wait 20 minutes, call again.” I’m talking about the “call him, hit redial immediately, hit redial immediately, hit redial immediately” 14 freaking times, kind of calling. I know this because we were video chatting when she began calling. He ended up shutting his phone off once we finished talking.

That’s some hard core hoovering! It screams, “Don’t ignore me!”

That doesn’t even touch on when she called him asking for help filling out her W-2s and then began crying because she was lonely. Doesn’t she have a boyfriend for that shit? Oh wait, there it is once again. Rage and charm have not produced the desired effect so maybe a little more self pity will suck him back in again. Why ask your live-in boyfriend for help and pass over a perfectly good chance to fuck with your STBX’s head?

To a cheater it’s perfectly rational thinking. They should never experience consequences because they’ve done nothing wrong. So when you leave your spouse for someone else and it’s not the perfect paradise you imagined OR you just can’t resist the idea of two people fighting for you, of course you throw a few bread crumbs your spouse’s way. Of course you expect them to offer you a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic hug or two, maybe even an invitation to jump into bed again for old time’s sake. Hey, I told you you were the best I ever had! You expect them to be there waiting if things go south or you decide the new flavor of the month isn’t quite as sparkly as you first thought.

As I said, when she calls the text messages show up as archived messages. Once again she’s flipping through those three channels, trying to find a little crevice she can wedge herself into.

Rage:  I thought you were an adult and could talk but I guess not.

Of course an adult would subject himself to your constant mind fucking!

Self pity: I’m having a seizure. Help!

Really? You’re suffering a medical emergency and your first thought isn’t to call 9-1-1 or the man you’re living with, but to text the man you lied to and cheated on and who is divorcing you? That’s some bat shit craziness you’ve got going on.

Charm: Mobster Lobster StarfishMan (or any other nickname she used)…

See? See how cute and charming I can be? Don’t you remember all the good times we had? Forget about the men I fucked and concentrate on the cute nicknames I used for you!

Self pity: Why won’t you talk to me? Please talk to me. I wish you would talk to me.

Why are you being so mean to me? Don’t you want to hop back on that pick me roller coaster? I’m insinuating you might still have a chance with me. Why aren’t you jumping at this opportunity.

Charm: Can we meet up and talk over coffee?

You might get lucky. <wink wink>

And my personal favorite… Rage: 25 years of love and friendship and my crap, no response from my best friend.

Yes, 25 years of love and friendship have been decimated because he won’t entertain your attempts to suck him back into the abyss of crazy and text with you or meet up with you. The fact that you cheated on him and in fact walked out on him and your kids plays absolutely no part in your marriage ending. You certainly weren’t throwing away 25 years when you moved in with another man. You fully expected him to wait around forever, quietly yearning for you while you flitted about and did whatever you pleased.

And the part about him being your best friend? O.M.G! If that’s the way you treat your best friend I’d hate to see how you treat your enemies. He’s no longer your best friend. Your new boyfriend should probably take over that role. I have a feeling he would be none too pleased to see those text messages where you’re begging your STBX not to ignore you and declaring him your best friend. I can tell you right now if I ever caught wind of Mobster declaring you to be his best friend I would be outta here so fast it wouldn’t even be funny.

It really is an amazing process to watch as it plays out. For his part he has handled it beautifully. He told me the other day he finally read all the texts and he felt nothing. He was simply done with her.

It would be very easy to get worried about this. They had 25 years together. We’ve had a couple months. Her walking out and him filing for divorce are relatively fresh. And she’s hoovering hard! I would imagine that might be hard to resist after so many years together and all that hurt. It must feel good to know that the person who discarded you now wants you back.

But here’s the thing. If he does choose to go back and ends things with us, I’ll survive. He’s wonderful. I want to spend every minute of every day with him. I will be devastated and I will cry and I will be broken hearted for quite some time. But I’ll survive; I’ve lived through worse.

Here’s another thing. She may have 25 years with him but a lot of those years were miserable, filled with lies and gas lighting and cheating and out of control drinking. He looks back now and tells me she was never happy, never content. As he likes to say, “She could win the lottery and then bitch that they gave her too many tens.” Wow! Sounds like someone I was married to!

She’s got rage, charm, and self-pity. Those are her only three channels now. Me? I’ve got nothing but laughter, good times, and dreams of the future with him. I’ve also got honesty, integrity and faithfulness.

So I’m going to sit back and watch this shit show, offering support and encouragement when I can. I might even say a prayer of thanks that CF figured out quite early that I wasn’t going to play. I realize he had already decided to discard me but he did want to keep things civil. Thankfully he didn’t care enough and/or was full enough on the ego kibbles Harley was throwing his way that he didn’t need to bother with me.

Watching her flip through those channels, trying so desperately to suck him back into the mind games is fascinating once you realize what’s really going on. I’m almost positive he gets it, too. He is offended that she would think he would wait around for her. I guess that means when he is faced with choosing rage, charm and self pity, or laughter, honesty, integrity, and faithfulness it will be a pretty easy choice.

Another Bad Day Back in 2015

March 2015

Today is shaping up to be a bad day.  Yesterday was not hot either. I called about getting a loan for a pool finally.  Found out, as expected, that we can’t do a home equity loan because we just bought the house and don’t have the equity needed to get one for the pool.  So, we’re left with a personal loan.  To borrow the full amount would end up being a payment of $850 per month.  No fucking way.  So, I ask about how much stock he has because he had said he would do whatever was necessary to make sure we got the pool.  He has around $30,000 he can cash in; that doesn’t take into consideration the taxes, which he thinks would be around $10,000.  We would still need to take out a loan for the rest of it. A $20,000 loan would amount to a payment over 7 years of about $340.  That’s doable, although I hate the fact we’re paying that on top of depleting all of his available stock.  I’m still debating whether or not to go through with it, and it all hinges on whether or not the loan goes through. There’s also the fact that we have no idea how much of our savings is going to go towards taxes, if any, because we don’t know if we owe or not.  And there’s also that pesky little business about his week long hospital stay in the psych ward and not knowing if insurance will cover it or if we’ll be paying on that for the rest of our lives.  So that was my plight yesterday, and yes, I know in the grand scheme of things my problems are not that big.  It’s not a problem at all, simply a disappointment.

Today I’m in a slight funk just thinking about how embarrassing my situation is.  Everyone involved with Zack knows what he did.  I’m sure they look at me and think, “What did she do wrong?  Why did he cheat on her?  What were her failings?”  I’ve got his best friend spying on my FB page and reporting back to him.  I’m sure he and his wife got a great laugh over the fact that Zack cheated on me, and of course, I’m painted as the crazy one.  He’s perfectly sane and I’m a nutcase.  A nutcase that deserved to be cheated on.

I’m sure everyone in his family knows he cheated.  I’m sure they’re all talking about it and why I deserved it and how much they love Harley and wish he had chosen her.  I mean, why bother to have an affair if you’re not going to leave your wife?

I’m so tired of feeling humiliated.  I’m tired of being portrayed as the bad guy.  Zack somehow is a fucking saint and I’m the awful person.  Maybe I should go off and fuck some guy and then *I* could be the good guy!  But no, I have a moral compass and my moral compass says no sex with someone other than your husband. So I guess I get to remain the bad guy because we all know only the cheaters are the good guys.  And I continue to be humiliated and embarrassed by the fact that my husband cheated and it’s the topic of conversation with all his friends and family, while no one on my side knows what he did, with the exception of 3 people.

I’m tired today.  I’m tired and I’m depressed and I’m in a shitty mood.  He swore this move was going to be a positive.  It was exactly what he needed.  And he’s been unhappier here than I’ve ever seen him.  We made promises to our kids and we are slowly breaking all of them, one by one. I did not move 2000 miles away from my friends and uproot my kids’ lives so we could downsize and give them less.

I’m really pissed about this pool.  I’ve been telling everyone we’re getting one and now that it’s go time there’s a distinct possibility that we won’t get one. Who’s going to come visit me now?  Hey, we have a quilt museum! Or, if you don’t mind getting in the car and driving 30 minutes to an hour we can go visit some caverns. And if you’ve got some cash to spend on a hotel room in DC, that’s only 2 hours away but if you don’t spend the night you’re going to miss out on a lot. But as far as BFE goes?  Yeah, there’s nothing.  Absolutely nothing. I can take you down to where the food trucks are. That’s exciting.

And while I’m in bitch mode I’ll just say it.  This is not my dream house.  We bought this house because we could put a pool in the back yard.  If we’re not going to put a pool in then I would have preferred the house over on Diamond.  That was my dream house.  It was gorgeous.  Marble entryway. A larger hallway.  A kitchen that had an island and a breakfast bar AND space for a kitchen table.  We don’t have that here.  We have to eat at the island or at the dining room table in the dining room. No kitchen table.  That house had amazing views of the city.  We have no amazing views.  The master bedroom was bigger and had a sitting room, plus the bathroom had a separate jetted tub and shower, as opposed to my discount hotel shower/tub combo.  The family room had a built in wet bar.  The enclosed porch was big enough for a table and chairs plus a hammock.  It was gorgeous out there.  We have a small square closed in porch.  It fits a table and chairs.  That’s it.  No hammock.   Then they had a much bigger hot tub, also on the deck, and a separate deck off the master bedroom. And they had 2 fireplaces. I really really liked that house.  The only drawback was the backyard and not being able to put a pool in.  And the kids would have gone to Whoreville City schools so Rock Star wouldn’t have the friends she has now, but does that matter?  I mean, she wouldn’t know she had lost anything.

So anyway, I’m in a house that I think is ok.  I don’t hate it but I also don’t think it has a single feature that makes you say, “Wow!”  It never made my top 3 list of houses I thought I would pick when looking online, although I will admit that when we walked through the first time I did like it. I bought this house that is ok because it had a large backyard where we could put a pool in.  We chose this one over the house in D because 1. someone else was going to bid on it, 2. it was not fenced in and we were going to need that, and 3. lack of storage space.  We chose it over the one on Diamond because of the backyard.  That was pretty much it.

OK, I think I’m done bitching.  Maybe.  I’m still pissed about the pool.  And I’m still furious that I have to deal with the humiliation of being cheated on. And I don’t like being talked about like I’m some nutcase or like I deserved to be cheated on.  But, I’ll get over it, I’m sure.

Present Day Sam Says: I’m not sorry I bitched about him and the humiliation I felt knowing everyone in his family knew I was cheated on. I am sorry I bitched about my house.

I grew to love that house. I turned it into a home. I turned it into our home. Then he turned around and destroyed it.

I’m also slightly sorry about bitching about my pool. In hindsight those worries are so insignificant and at the time they were in the forefront of my mind. But as I’ve frequently said it’s not like I would have emerged from this situation with any more cash. He would have cashed in even more stock and handed it over to Harley and the hooligans.

What’s Up?

Hi! It’s me again. Sorry about all the long breaks. Blame it on the mobster. I spend all my free time talking to him. No time for blogging.

So what have I been up to, you may be wondering? Just working and smiling at my good fortune. I do have a few tidbits to share with everyone.

#1- I am dreaming again. Like, the nighttime, what happens when you sleep, dreaming. Not the planning for the future dreaming. For the longest time I couldn’t remember having any dreams. I don’t know if I was just so physically tired they didn’t register with me or what. But I’m dreaming again. I still can’t remember them but I know I’m having them.

#2- I never realized how much my emotions impacted my daughter. My mom was the one who took Rock Star back to our former state. During their travel time Rock Star told her that she was much happier now that I was finally happy.

That makes me feel so sad. I thought I was keeping it from them. I thought I was a better actress. I mean, there’s only so much you can do. Working two jobs, getting up at 3:20 in the morning, never having any time for your kids and having no social life takes a toll on a person.

But she’s happy now because I’m happy. What a sweet kid.

She also told my mom she has no plans to invite her dad to her graduation and that she doesn’t want him there.

#3- Rock Star had a dream of her own that she shared with us the other day. She said she dreamed that Harley showed up at one of her football games to watch her cheer. How did that go, you may be wondering? Not well. Not well at all. In her dreams she beat the shit out of Harley.

#4- I put my notice in at Target. No more 3:30 wake up calls for this gal! At least not for a while. I may end up having to go back but for a little while I’m going to have a break.

I was actually quite nervous about it because I haven’t had to resign from a job since 2000. When I gave them my notice they asked me what they could do to keep me and asked about me working fewer hours. That made me feel good. Apparently I’m a valued worker. I told them I would think about it but decided to go ahead and make a clean break. My last day isn’t until August but I have a full six days off before going back and working my last three days. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!

#5- My lawyer continues to crack me up. Hey, at $250/hour she had better be funny! I got another check for $555.55 so I let her know and also filled her in on what 55555 is supposed to mean. I did tell her it was possible that it was unrelated. She wrote back: Well, there’s the explanation. What a jerk!

Makes me laugh every time she drops the professional demeanor and lets loose with what she really thinks about him. She also added that it was time to file for the show cause.

Along similar lines I finally deposited the three checks he’s sent me. The person who did the actual transaction is a co-worker and she noted the names on the check. She asked me how I felt about seeing Harley’s name on the top of the check and made some comment about it.

You know, so much shit has been done in the name of their very special love that I just don’t notice it anymore. It was, however, nice to be validated when someone else looks at it and says, “This crap is fucked up!” Yes, they are a classy couple.

That is my short update. Tell me how you’re doing!

Give Me a Freaking Break

It’s Thursday once again. We get about 52 of them a year! So you all know what that means. It’s time for another Blast From the Past. This one isn’t so much about me and CF. It’s about the whole bullshit concept that you need to understand and accept your cheating spouse’s lingering “feelings” for his or her affair partner.

March 2015

I saw this on a blog and wanted to explore it a little more.  She writes: If you are a BS (betrayed spouse) reading this, you probably hate thinking your cheating spouse may have lingering feelings for someone else.  And not just someone else, but a someone that destroyed your marriage.  Please know- It doesn’t mean they don’t love you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t incredibly happy they have stayed with you.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply sorry.  It just means feelings are hard to “switch off”.

I’ve touched on this in regards to someone’s blog, but again I say I think this is bullshit and I don’t think I could have coped if that’s the way Zack felt.  Hell, maybe that is the way he felt; he was just smart enough to know not to tell me.

Rationally, I get it.  I’ve read it before.  They cheated with this person.  There was a relationship of some sort.  They thought they loved this person (perhaps genuinely did) and it takes time for feelings to go away.  I think someone even described it as waiting for the fog to lift.  But as a betrayed spouse I think it’s completely unfair.  You have to first forgive your spouse and then you’re being asked to bring them a cup of tea and listen sympathetically to them while they whine about having to end things with their affair partner? And yes, I know, that’s not what they’re really saying.  We’re just supposed to be sympathetic and understanding while they come to terms with their “loss”.  That’s no better.

As I’ve said before I may be a bite off your nose to spite your face kinda gal but seriously- if my husband is still mooning over his whore he can have her (hypothetically, of course.  I don’t believe mine is and this isn’t about him).  I wouldn’t care that he still loved me, that he chose me, that he’s happy he’s still married to me, or even that he’s sorry.  I refuse to be married to a man who has feelings like that for another woman.  Period.  At the very least I would demand a separation, a physical, actual separation while he got his head out of his ass.  Come back when you’re over her.  And if it takes too long I’m moving on.  Sorry, but life’s too short for that shit.  I’m not playing second fiddle to his whore.  “Oh, sweetie, I understand.  This breakup with your whore is so difficult, so hard.  Hey- I’ve got an idea!  Instead of you recovering from this difficult, heartbreaking breakup with your whore, let’s just go ahead and have you deal with an incredibly difficult divorce from your wife! That should be much easier, right?” Isn’t it kinda funny (aka sad) how you never hear advice to the OP that once he/she leaves their spouse there may be a period of mourning for said spouse and their marriage?  Apparently, breaking up with a whore is very very difficult, but ending an actual marriage is a piece of cake!

Here’s the thing.  As the wife, if he’s still mooning over the affair partner, you’ll always be second.  You’re reality.  She’s fantasy.  And I’m not just talking about the parameters of an affair and how it doesn’t match day to day life.  Think of anything in life where you’ve dreamed of something happening.  Any big event.  A wedding, a vacation, holidays, birth of a child.  So many times we create these pictures in our mind of how we want everything to go down.  I, personally, have always imagined a Christmas where I get Christmas cards out by the first week of December.  The kids and I bake Christmas goodies. My Christmas shopping is done and the gifts are wrapped well before Christmas Eve. Maybe we go out and chop down a tree and then head home to decorate said tree while Christmas carols play in the background and we sip hot chocolate.  This has never happened.  None of it.  I mean, I’ve baked a little, but it’s always last minute.  That’s what life with the affair partner is.  It’s a possibility.  It’s a fantasy.  You don’t know what life really will be like with that person until you take that next step and leave your spouse and actually marry the affair partner.  So your wife will never measure up to the affair partner when you’re waxing poetically over your lost love.  You’ve lost nothing because of the affair and the only thing you can concentrate on is how incredible your affair partner is/was and how you’ve lost this all encompassing love.  Because it’s still a possibility, a perfect fantasy not ruined by reality.

I also think it’s incredibly unfair to ask this of the betrayed spouse because you’re asking her/him to accept the fact that once again there are 3 people in this marriage.  As long as the AP is front and center in your spouse’s thoughts, it’s not just the 2 of you trying to work through this.  I don’t need that.  It’s already difficult enough.  If getting over your whore is so incredibly difficult just go be with her and stop wasting my time.

What the Future Holds

March 2015

I saw something beautiful on another blog.  She wrote:

…and I started to say, “I want to go back…” but I stopped myself.  Because I don’t want to go back.  I want to go forward.  The past holds so much pain for me, but the future- it holds nothing but promise.

I thought that was the best part, but she also wrote:

This affair- it won’t define me.  It won’t define my husband.  It won’t define our marriage.  Not if we don’t let it.

Present Day Sam says: Oh hell no! Let’s file this all under the heading of bullshit I no longer believe.

No, you know what? I take that back. I can get behind the first part: …I don’t want to go back. I want to go forward. The past holds so much pain for me, but the future- it holds nothing but promise.

I don’t want him back. I don’t want that old life. I want a new life. I want real. I want reciprocity. I want content and happy. I want to spend the rest of my life laughing, not trying to make that shit eating chimp happy.

What a Difference a Good Man Makes

Okay, okay. I’m not going to go all mushy on you here. I’m going to do my best not to talk too much about the mobster just in case he suddenly decides I’m way too much hassle and things go belly up. He probably won’t because he thinks I’m amazing but give him a little time and he may begin to think I’m one big batch of crazy.

Nonetheless, I just want to say what a difference it makes being with someone who actually wants to be around you. CF may have said he wanted to be around me but really what he wanted was for me to fawn all over him and then to have sex with him and go away. Now granted, the mobster is more than 10 hours away so he does not have the pleasure of my delightful company 24/7 but he would like to. He tells me he wants to wake up with me, have coffee with me, experience the mundane things in life with me.

He likes talking to me and we still talk for hours every day. Sometimes we’ll talk once or twice in the morning, again at lunch, and then once or twice in the evening. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anyone as much as I talk to him.

We laugh. We laugh a lot. He’s very funny. One of my friends was making a crack about cousins getting together. She said something to the effect of, “Yeah, we’re cousins and our kids have eyes that cross and webbed feet.” Without missing a beat the mobster chimes in, “Yeah, but they’re fantastic swimmers!”

He doesn’t throw me under the bus. In fact, I feel like he stands up for me.  This is all new for his kids and they’re not sure they want anything to do with any of this. But he tells them, “I want you to meet her, get to know her. She makes me happy.”  He’s even said, flat out, that if they’re going to meet their mom’s boyfriend and accept him then they better accept me because I’m not the one that wrecked their home. I love the fact that he’s willing to point that out. And he doesn’t do it in a shitty way (I’m assuming. I’m not there but he does tell me about it.). He’s just matter-of-fact about it: Sam didn’t come in and wreck your home; she came along afterwards and she makes me happy. He’s even said he refuses to give me up.

What did CF do? He took every chance he had to throw me under the bus and portray me as the bad guy. Oh, she hates me! She says horrible things about me. She wants me to die! When it was brought to his attention that his mom and stepdad complimenting the whore all the time hurt me I was met with, “I can’t control what other people say!”

The mobster defends me. When anyone questions why I don’t drive to see him or wonders about any of my deal breakers he defends me. He doesn’t sit back and agree with them and let them know they are absolutely correct that I’m an evil, awful person who is living to make his life miserable. In fact, he’s told me he feels it’s his job as the male to do the driving and come see me. His schedule is definitely more flexible but I try to meet in the middle.

CF and I had been married for 5 years before Rock Star was born. After her birth life got very complicated for me. I was trying to work full-time, take care of her full-time, tend to our pets, clean the house, do the laundry, and keep up with the grocery shopping and cooking all while my dear husband was on the road. I was burning the candle at both ends. I was perpetually exhausted and I had a baby that was definitely high needs. I would call my mom to vent and I remember her being so pissed off at CF because, as she put it, “Can he not hear it in your voice that you’re about to jump off a roof?”

Well, no, he couldn’t. It didn’t involve him. He wasn’t the victim so it wasn’t a story he was interested in hearing. Remember: me getting up every. single. night with an infant was exactly the same as him being awakened by an alarm one. single. night! Me going crazy, trying to juggle everything with him gone, was exactly the same as him missing us.

I contrast that with me telling the mobster that there are few things sexier than a man who is a great father to his kids. And he is. But after I said that I realized how much I had failed my own kids by picking the guy I picked to be their father. The most important job you have as a mom is picking a good father for your children and I failed at that. I started to feel a little teary eyed, regretting that my kids would never know what it’s like to have an involved, loving father. I didn’t want to start bawling there in front of him so I just got quiet and stopped talking. Within a matter of a minute or two he asks me, “You okay, sweetie?”

Color me shocked! That’s not a question you would have ever heard CF ask me. I don’t think he would have even noticed. But the mobster did. He noticed within a minute or so.

Here’s another little story for you. When the mobster and I first began talking he told me that he uses Facebook Messenger to text message so my profile picture, which was a picture of my dog, came up all the time. This in turn led to him checking out my Facebook page (nothing to see there; move along! Really- it’s private so the only thing non friends can see are my profile and cover pictures.) and me letting him send me a Facebook friend request. I must have pointed out a picture of CF and me because I remember telling him that while I looked adorable CF looked less than thrilled to be with me. At that point I remember telling him, “If I ever date again any guy I’m with had better look happier than a pig in a shit to be with me.” Well you know what? The mobster does look thrilled to be seen with me. He actually takes pictures! He’s smiling in them! I have inside knowledge that he has made a collage of our pictures and he brings my picture along with him while he works. Twenty years and I don’t think CF ever had a picture of me in his office.

Guess what else? He holds my hand in public. All. the. time. Even when <gasp> other people are around! He’ll put his arm around me. He likes being seen with me. He wants everyone to know I’m with him.

Early on I remember the mobster telling me he would love to walk into that courtroom with me. He actually wanted to be there to support me. Me- a person he barely knew. He reiterated that point a few weeks later, telling me I deserved to have someone there to emotionally support me. And before anyone starts going nuts I have repeatedly told him that’s a bad idea. Lesson #1: Do not bring a date to divorce court. It looks bad. He agrees with me and will stay away but he wants to be there. Do you hear that? Wants to be there.

This guy I’ve only just met wants to be by my side to support me during my divorce trial. My husband couldn’t be bothered to leave work and be with me when I had to choose between surgery or the shot for my ectopic pregnancy. In other words, while I was terminating the life of our child he couldn’t pull himself away to support me.

He asked me one time if I really drove all the way to a baseball game and then turned around and drove home without ever seeing the game because I couldn’t find parking. I assured him that yes, yes I did. I was in bumper to bumper traffic with CF laying all over me and groping me; I couldn’t find parking. CF was no help and I was freaking out. Of course when I threw in the towel CF readily agreed. Let’s go home!

The mobster told me that if he had been with me he would have told me to pull over so that he could drive. Wow! He would actually help me when I’m freaking out and having a meltdown. I have no clue what that’s like.

He does pull me out of my shell. The second time we met up we went canoeing. Can you imagine CF getting out on the water in a canoe? It would never happen. Funnily enough, I was the one who actually suggested the activity and then I began thinking better of it. The mobster was the one who was all, “Oh no! We’re going to do this!” Now granted, one of the last things I said to him before agreeing to this was, “Don’t make my children orphans.” And he did almost kill me pretty much immediately. Damn near decapitated me! Ran me into a river bank and up under a tree. Thank God I have cat-like reflexes and the ability to bend backwards!

He greets me every day with, “Hi cutie,” or “Hi sweetie,” or “Hello beautiful/gorgeous.” He tells me I look wonderful. But most importantly he likes being with me. He looks forward to talking to me, texting me. He wants to do things with me.

Granted, CF didn’t start out spending all of his time in his bedroom. We used to spend all of our time together, especially when we both worked second shift and when we didn’t know anyone else after moving. Barricading himself in the bedroom or down in the basement happened over the years. But I can’t see the mobster deciding he’d rather watch TV alone in the bedroom than spending time with me. He’d probably have me in a kayak somewhere, fighting off sharks, thinking we were having a great time!

Another difference? It was like pulling teeth to get CF to interact with my family most of the time. The mobster wanted to meet my mom for coffee by himself when she was in his state. He explained it like this: I want to be a part of your life. Your mom is a big part of your life so I want to meet her. He told me he wants to be involved in my kids’ lives. Hell, he offered to buy cookies from my daughter for her fundraiser. He’s shown more interest in Picasso and Rock Star in the few weeks he’s known me than their own father has in the last two years.

Finally, the mobster hates the fact that I have to get up early and go to work most days; he told me this early on when we first began talking- like after the first week. He’d really rather I quit my second job because he hates what I have to do. But he also tells me often he’s so amazed by me and all that I’ve done to provide for my kids. He is proud of me. So look at that! He is concerned, amazed, and proud. CF? CF doesn’t give a crap about what I have to do to provide for his kids. Out of sight, out of mind. There are no expenses involved with raising his children.

The mobster says the sweetest things and his actions have backed them up. That’s the important part. The actions. Anyone can say anything. Actually following through is a whole different beast. So far, the mobster has.

Jezebel

March 2015

I’m getting ready to write this amazing post about healing and moving on and blah blah blah but first I want to get this other stuff out.  I’ve been thinking about Jezebel and her reaching out comment and why that pisses me off so much.

So, here is the background.  I’ve already written about how she asked Zack to keep secrets from me, went out to dinner with Zack and Husband #3 without me, encouraged Zack to leave me for Harley, criticized my spending habits, and then, 18 months later, sent me a FB friend request. After that request was declined she then ran to Zack, crying about how she had reached out to me for the last time and she was done!  Why does this bother me so much?

For starters it pisses me off because she has done so many shitty things to me and she turns around and portrays herself as the victim.  As MY victim.  How?  Did I get your husband to go out to dinner with me and my new boyfriend, Jezebel?  Did I convince him to ditch you and lie to you so that he could do so?  Did I convince your husband to keep secrets from you?  Did I criticize you to your husband?  NO!  In fact, I’ve never even met your husband. Further fact, I could have met your husband back in April of ’12 but you deliberately chose to exclude me! I’ve never had a single conversation with him- not in person, not over the phone, not via email, text, or FB.  Never said hi, bye, how are you, or fuck off. So, that’s the first thing.  She encourages my husband to leave me for another woman and then 18 months later, after I decline a friend request, she turns herself into the victim and me into the bad guy.  This is a theme that keeps recurring (not just with her) and it baffles and infuriates me.

Moving on… she tells Zack, “I’m done reaching out.”  As I’ve said before, “Really?  What exactly have you done to reach out?”  The answer is nothing. May, June, July, and half of August Zack is waxing poetic about his darling Harley.  She’s his world, the love of his life.  She makes him happy.  He wants to marry her.  I treat him like a handyman and a paycheck.  We’re just roommates.  Harley good.  Sam bad.  He gets caught, I give him an ultimatum, and he tells his sister he’s done with Harley and he’s choosing me.  Jezebel tells him she fully supports him.  I hear nothing from her.  No text, no email, no phone call… nothing.  She never says:  Gee, I’m really sorry I encouraged my brother to leave you for another woman.  Never even says:  Hey, how are you?  I’m thinking about you.  How are things between the 2 of you?  I’m rooting for you two.  I hope you are able to get back to where you used to be.  No matter what I want you to know you’re family and I love you. What can I do to make it up to you?  I want you to know I’m sorry that I hurt you.  I should have stayed out of it. I think of you as a sister.  You are very important to me.  Your kids are important to me.  I want to have a relationship with all of you.  What can I do to regain your trust?  What can I do to help rebuild this relationship I have so badly damaged? I don’t blame you if you hate me.  I tossed you away like a used kleenex in an effort to support my brother. Please give me another chance.  I’m sorry.  No, none of that.  Even if she were lying it would have been nice to have had her express just a sliver of remorse.

In October, when I found that FB conversation between him and his nephew I texted her and told her she should probably check up on her brother. That was October 23rd.  She replied the next day and wondered what was up.  I then told her he had been upset the night before because of the conversation I found. This is what I said: Honestly?  He was pretty upset last night because I refused to come home.  I found messages between him and his nephew where he was going to bring Harley with him to get his tattoo.  She was going to get one, too.  A sparrow on her foot to represent love.  And he told him he needed to keep everything under wraps to protect our children until the time was right.  Like they wouldn’t be able to figure out he had left their mom for this whore. And he let him know he was going to marry her.  He was upset and threatening to end his life if I’m going to leave him.  He’s sleeping now but I’d check up on him later because I’m still not sure what I’m going to do.

She wanted to know if it was a recent conversation with Harley.  I corrected her and told her it was a conversation with his nephew about Harley and about marrying her. After, I say: I told him last night to book a flight and go find her and fuck her.  He wants her so damn badly he can have her.  Why don’t you go ahead and let her know he’s back on the market so the whore can take up with him and they can get married and be happy?  She replies: I just know he told me he was done with her.  He doesn’t want to lose his family.  He made a mistake. At which point I’m all like:  Wow- if only it were that easy!  You don’t get to tell another woman you love her and want to marry her and your wife means absolutely nothing and then turn around and go, “Oh, my bad!”  She then says:  I know.  Not making excuses.  I just know he doesn’t want to lose his family.  I go on to tell her that’s one of those things you probably need to think about *before* you start the affair because once it begins and your wife finds out it’s no longer up to you.  She then replies:  I understand.  For my part in this I am sorry.  I love my brother unconditionally.  Ah, the long awaited for apology.  I know there are parts that are missing from the texts on my new phone, and I’ll go back over them later. (All texts have now been included.)  But, that was basically it as far as apologies go.  Gee, sorry you got hurt but my allegiance is to my brother and you were collateral damage.  Sorry.

I did give my spiel about how I love my brothers unconditionally, too, but I would never condone something like this. Actually, what I said was:  I love my brothers unconditionally, too.  But I’m very certain I would have told them to get their heads out of their asses and think about what they were doing.  I would have told them to go to marriage counseling and do everything in their power to make their marriage work first.  I would have told them you don’t start dating someone else when your wife doesn’t even know you want a divorce. Practically speaking, if they were carrying on an affair with a family member 1800 miles away I would have asked them how they see this playing out.  Are they willing to leave their kids behind to go be with this person?  Do they really think their wife is dumb enough to move 2000 miles across the country so they can be closer to the mistress? And hey, what if it doesn’t work out?  Since you’ve chosen a family member how do you think that’s going to work if you call it off?  You’ve picked someone that your wife is going to have to deal with until the day one of you dies.  But again, I’m practical and I’ve read enough to know that in 97 or 98% of these cases once the affair partner becomes the primary partner it ends, if one spouse even leaves the other to begin with.  And she tells me:  Whether you believe me or not I told him ALL those things.  To which I replied: So what did he say to those questions?  Was he so crazy in love that he thought everything was going to work out like some fairy tale?  And that’s when she begins to go into victim mode.  She replies:  Obviously you think I’m the enemy.  I’m sorry you feel that way.  My intentions were never to hurt anyone.

That’s Jezebel at her finest.  Dig yourself in deep and then play the victim when you realize you backed the wrong woman.  I replied (quite sensibly, I believe): What on earth did I just say to make you think that? I honestly never knew you had said anything to him beyond: you should do what makes you happy.  And I knew from conversations with him that he was telling you Harley made him happy and he thought he loved her. Hell, he was telling his nephew he was going to marry her so I imagine he would have told you a lot more than that.  In the end it’s not your fault.  He was the one who cheated.  He was the one who lied.  I never expected you to choose me over him.  As a close friend pointed out to me last night no one in his family would be able to hurt me if he hadn’t had an affair.  She later says:  I am worried about him.  I am sorry you were hurt.  I hate all of this for everyone.  Can you all go to counseling?  Do you want to try to fix this?  Does he?

I have to say I find this questioning kinda weird.  Didn’t he tell her he wanted his marriage?  Why would she wonder if he wanted to fix this if he had already told her he didn’t want to lose me, his marriage, his kids, any of that?

There were only a few more texts between us.  I told her we were going back to counseling, although now that I think about it, we never did.  Told her that he said he loved me and made a huge mistake and it has always been me.  Told her that he told me Harley was giving him the attention he was craving from me.  I admitted that I have a hard time believing that’s all it was, that he’s been begging me not to leave him, and that I’ve always been very honest with him about not wanting a divorce.  She replies back:  That’s all it was.  To which I said: He was telling people he was going to marry her.  He told people he loved her.  That doesn’t sound like nothing.  And then she says:  I understand.  Do you?  Do you really understand?  How?

The following day I texted: I realize in hindsight that it sounds like I didn’t return home at all the other night.  That’s not true and it wasn’t my intention to lead anyone on to believe I had stayed away all night.  I did come home after about two hours.  Your mom called last night thinking I had left him and I wanted to clear that up.  She just said ok, and asked how things were.  I told her they were ok and that we had talked a little bit but he had asked that we not talk about any of this for a few days because he had been such an anxious wreck for the last 36 hours.  She said:  Understand.  I then told her he was doing better that day and made a joke about how he was fortunate that he had an extremely understanding wife.  I followed that up with:  Of course, that may lead to my downfall.  And she says:  Well, let’s just hope this is the beginning of a better road.

That was the last conversation of any type I have had with her since.  October 25, 2013. Not one follow up.  Hell, maybe she’s following up with her brother.  But if you’re going to go crying to that brother about how you’re done reaching out you might want to have some proof you’ve actually reached out.  She never did.  *I* reached out to her, only because Zack had said when the shit first hit the fan and he thought I was going to make him sever his ties with her, that she was the only one who could talk him off the ledge.  He was on a ledge that night and I was pissed and I wasn’t going to come home. I texted her so she could help clean up the mess the two of them had created with all their lies and collusion.  She could help him through this since she was the one telling him all along that he should do whatever made him happy because he deserved it.  She had helped mire him further into this mess and she could help him now that it wasn’t all going his way. She gave me 2 half hearted apologies.  For my part in this I am sorry.  I love my brother unconditionally.  Yes, she’s sorry, but anyone else would have done the same if they loved their brother like she loves hers, right?  I’m sorry but…. you really can’t expect me to have your back.  I’m sorry but… my brother told me he was in love with someone else so what was I supposed to do?  I’m sorry but… Harley makes him happy and you don’t so obviously I’m going to take this chance to have my brother join me in the Leave Your Spouse For Another Person club.  Obviously you think I’m the enemy.  I’m sorry you feel that way.  My intentions were never to hurt anyone.  I am worried about him.  I am sorry you were hurt.  I hate all of this for everyone.  Who is everyone, Jezebel?  Because as far as I’m concerned the only victim here is me.  I would count my kids as well if he had actually left, but since they’ve never had a clue about what their dad was doing that summer I feel comfortable leaving them off the victim list. I mean, are you feeling sorry for Zack because he cheated and got caught and didn’t get to live out his happily ever after?  Are you feeling sorry for Zack because you think he gave up happiness for duty?  Why exactly are you feeling sorry for Zack, if he’s part of “everyone”?  Because he feels bad now that he got caught?  Because he found out it wasn’t as simple as saying, “Oops! Sorry!  I promise I won’t do it again.  Turns out I love YOU!”  I’m trying to wrap my mind around it.  Are you hating it for you because you got caught supporting your brother and his whore?  Sorry because it’s cost you a relationship with your niece and nephew?  I mean, seriously, how are you hating it for yourself?  You’ve lost almost nothing.  You never saw those kids.  If I brought them to you you’d carve out an hour or two, maybe an evening, to see them.  You didn’t stay in contact with them.  Are you hating it for your mom and Pastor Fake?  Why?  I was obviously disposable, so why the fuck is everyone so sad that they don’t have a relationship with me now that Zack has decided he wants to be back with me?

I think even more than just right after the discovery of their affair, the fact that she never reached out after this and then runs to whine to Zack baffles me.  She was given the perfect opening. In the end it’s not your fault.  He was the one who cheated.  He was the one who lied.  I never expected you to choose me over him. And let’s face it- with today’s technology there are so many ways to get your message across. You don’t have to talk face to face.  Never once after that day did she ask me how things were or even tell me she was “praying” for us. She never texted a Happy Thanksgiving or a Merry Christmas. To be fair, she did send Christmas gifts that year which I didn’t acknowledge.  I know that was a bitch move but I figure she’s Zack’s family and he can deal with her. Plus, I’m fairly certain that she never made a huge effort to let us know she got anything we sent, or how everyone liked everything. Never wished me a happy birthday. Never texted just to ask:  Hey, what are you up to these days? Or:  How’s it going? Or:  Hey, I heard you took the kids to Disneyland.  How was that?  Did they have fun?  Did you have fun? She could have asked the same about our trip to the Grand Canyon and Four Corners. I’m sure Zack told his mom about all of that. She must have known we were moving, where we were moving.  Undoubtedly he had told her of his and Harley’s master plan to get him closer so he was putting in a bid for the Whoreville plant.  So she knew I was being moved closer to his whore.  Knew I was moving to a town that he had plotted to move to to be closer to Harley.  But she never asked me how I felt about the move.  Never asked me if I was ok with it, how the kids were taking it.  She never said:  Wow- you’ve got a big move coming up.  How do you feel about that?  How are the kids taking the news?  This will be a fresh start for the two of you.  Are you excited?  Perfect opening. Could have texted or messaged or emailed after the move and asked how we were liking it here. Even made a comment like:  We’re so much closer now.  We’d love to come visit as soon as you get settled.  You’ve never met my husband and I think Rock Star and Picasso would really love my stepkids. Nope, again, nothing.  Didn’t ask if I was doing ok handling everything by myself with Zack living in our new state.  How’s it working out for the two of you with you and the kids still living in your former state and him in your new state? Are you doing ok?  Are you stressed?  How are the kids doing?  I know this one would be a stretch but in August she could have sent a message saying something like:  You’ve made it through the first year.  Hoping this will be the first of many great years for the two of you.  Yes, I giggle just typing that because I know she’s not nearly that aware of other people.  I’m just busy tossing bones out.  Once the kids started school she could have asked how they were adjusting, if they liked it.  Hell, she could have asked about them over the summer.  Hey, I heard Picasso is spending a month in Florida.  Wow- that’s great.  I know he’ll have a great time. (He didn’t.) Or, I heard Rock Star sprained her ankle.  How’s she doing? NOTHING!  She had many, many chances to ask how we were doing.  Not even in the context of how we were doing as a couple who was dealing with the aftermath of Zack’s affair.  Just how the fuck we were doing as a fucking family that she supposedly loves oh so much.  No, for over a year I had heard nothing from her, and then out of the blue I get a friend request from her.  And when I decline it she runs to her brother and declares:  I’m done reaching out to her. Again, I ask, when exactly has she reached out to me?  Was it when she gave her lame ass apologies, cloaked in excuses, after *I* reached out to *her*?  Was it when she sent her customary $5-$10 Christmas gifts that same year? I won’t apologize for not buying gifts for her and her family.  That is now Zack’s responsibility, same as thanking her for the gifts is his responsibility. If I’m disposable because I’m just the current female he’s fucking and he’s her BROTHER who she supports unconditionally no matter what, then why does she think gift buying/gifting falls under my domain anymore?  Oh no, honey, that’s your brother’s responsibility now.  Same with making sure the kids get down to his home state, although that’s off the table for you now.  You will NEVER be around my kids again. But up until February when you were telling my husband how crazy and wrong I am, and how he deserves better than me and he needs to leave me, it would have been Zack’s job to get them to His home state to see you. No, there had been no reaching out.  Jezebel has just been handed so few consequences for her shitty behavior that she can’t deal with it when someone isn’t blinded by her bullshit anymore. Consequences?  What consequences?  I’m Jezebel.  Everyone just tells me how pretty I am and giggles coz that’s Jezebel. No one holds anything against me.  And if they do then that must mean I’m the victim.  Nice try, honey, but it won’t work this time.  It takes a lot to really piss me off.  It takes a lot to push me over the edge.  But once you’ve managed to do that I do not back down and I do not forget.

I know I tend to ramble and go over and over things ad nauseam but I knew there was a reason that really ticked me off.  I think it was because she had so many chances to reach out, to reach out and not make it about her brother, his affair, or his part in it.  And she never did it.  But when I wasn’t ready to make nice it suddenly turns into, “Sam is a big ol’ meanie!  I’ve tried and tried but she won’t give me the time of day and I’m just done trying!”  I’ll be honest, I don’t know if her reaching out would have changed anything.  But at least she would have had a leg to stand on when she went whining to her brother.  If she had sent a couple of texts to check up on me, or, I know this one is entirely out in left field, but an email or a letter where she actually says:  This is crazy.  I’m sorry for what I did.  I know I was wrong.  I don’t have any excuse but I want to make things right.  Please tell me what I can do.  You are family.  I hate that my mom is never going to have all of her kids and grandkids together again.  I hate the thought of never seeing Picasso or Rock Star again.  I hate the idea of never spending another holiday together.  Can’t we please work through this?  Just tell me what I can do to help you move on, how I can make it up to you and prove myself.  At least THEN she could honestly say she had tried.  She had tried, she had reached out, and I rejected every advance.  But that’s not what happened.  She asked Zack to keep secrets from me, she lied to me, she ditched me while she and Zack went out to dinner with Husband #3, she encouraged Zack to leave me for someone else, and she criticized my spending habits.  Then when the jig was up she practically went into hiding.  Never reached out to me.  She reached out to Zack at least once when he wasn’t texting her much.  Hey, Jezebel, you didn’t fuck over your brother.  You fucked me over.  And 16 months later she sends me a friend request. Let’s just pretend this never happened and nothing is wrong. Yes, Jezebel, I want to see you change your cover photo and your profile picture every 2 weeks so everyone can tell you what a great picture it is. I want to hear you gush over your new husband and tell the world how crazy you are about him and how he’s your soul mate and very best friend.  I want to watch you post about all the sweet things your step kids do for you, knowing that in another 10 years, give or take a year or 2, that you’re going to break their hearts because you’re done playing Rambo Barbie and you want to move back to the city.  I want to watch as you post picture after picture of you going on vacation to Florida and Gatlinburg, while you continue to tell us how you’ll try to get to our house one of these days.  I want to look at pictures of you dressed in hunting gear and pictures of dead deer.  That just makes my day.  Oh, and I’d love to hear about all the expensive gifts you’ve been given for Christmas, your birthday, Mother’s Day, and your anniversary.  If anyone deserves it, it’s you.  I’d also love to hear about all the elaborate plans you’ve got going on for your big whopping 2nd year anniversary.  That would just be awesome.  Oh, and how can I forget all your shout outs to your newest “sister” and reading all about that fantastic relationship.  It means so much, especially when I’ve been tossed aside, despite having been your “sister” for 20 years.  I love watching your FB page and seeing how frequently you can run down to Florida and how often your in-laws can do something fantastic for you. That never gets old. Yes, nothing says our relationship has been repaired like becoming shallow FB friends. Especially when you’re so busy showing off everything that everyone does for you that you can never comment, like, or support what anyone else is doing. I’m sure that if we had become FB friends again then I would be running the kids to your home state once again, we’d just be best buds, and we’d spend all of our holidays together.  Hmmmm… somehow I don’t see that happening.

Things Left Unsaid That Should Have Been Said

March 2015

What do I wish I could say to him?  I don’t know if I can even get it all out.  I think I’d start with this:  You aren’t the only one whose mind races with bad thoughts, or has bad days or wants to stop living.  How do you think it feels knowing that you told your sister, everyone who would listen probably, how awful I was, how unhappy I made you, and then turned around and gushed over how happy Harley made you, how you loved her, she was your soul mate?  Do you know what’s it like to know that you will never gush over me like that to anyone?  You only tell them how awful I am, how I hate you, and how I’ve neglected you.  Do you have any idea what kind of trigger you talking about being happy is for me?  I really think she is your true love, Zack.  In the 3 1/2 months you were messing around with her you never needed to be put into a psych ward, you never had an anxiety attack, you weren’t depressed.  You say you realized back in June that it was me you loved and wanted but you kept up with her.  You couldn’t let her go and you never once felt bad about it.  You weren’t wracked with guilt.  You weren’t short tempered or anxiety ridden about your double life or your lies.  You were HAPPY!  And ever since you’ve ended it you’ve been a mess.  So really, why did you stay?  I gave you an out.  I’ve given you several opportunities since then to tell me you made a mistake, that you stayed for honor and duty but that you love her.  You won’t take them but you continue to be miserable with me.  You continue to throw me under the bus to your sister and to anyone who will listen.  You never defend me.  You never talk about how much you love me.  Only what I’m doing wrong, or not doing at all.

Do you know what it did to me when I read you telling your sister that you never should have tried to be happy?  I’m right back there on the day I found out about the two of you.  I’m right back there to the day you sent me the text “that ended it” which was her text to you, and I’m left wondering, why, if you had already ended it, was she texting you this drivel?  Why did it seem like she was calling it off?  I read your happy remark and immediately I began to think, “See, he never wanted to choose you?  He always wanted her.  You were an obligation, a duty.  You were the barrier between him and his kids.  He didn’t want to leave them so he stayed with you. She’s the one that made him happy. She’s the one he loves. He’ll never be happy as long as he’s with you.”

Do you have any idea how devastated I’ve felt since December 26th when I found your text to your sister, basically throwing me under the bus instead of taking up for me?  Our anniversary is tough enough to deal with, but to have that on top of it.  And then I’m supposed to nurse you through your depression and suicidal spiral? Which was essentially brought on by your damn sister, your nosy “best friend”, and your own guilt, as opposed to anything I did?  You keep piling it on and I’m supposed to keep shoveling, all the while with a smile on my face.

Do you know what it was like to see you telling Jezebel outright lies about me?  I don’t hate you.  That was your own guilt eating you alive.  How dare you insist that I say those exact words:  I forgive you.  You don’t think working on this marriage shows forgiveness?  You don’t think never threatening divorce shows forgiveness?  You don’t think moving 2000 miles across the country (when I know that you and Harley plotted to have you move closer) doesn’t show forgiveness and a willingness to move forward? And hell, when we get right down to it I did finally say those exact words to you.  I said them in the psych ward when you were crying and convinced I was leaving.

I never said you were annoying me and wasting my time.  I never said it.  Not when you were in the hospital, not when you were out of the hospital.  Never.  Outright lie. And furthermore, you were not dying.  They don’t observe people in the ER for hours on end if they’re dying.  You weren’t there 2 1/2 days.  You went to the ER around 8 on Friday.  You didn’t get admitted to the hospital until 1 or 2 on Saturday morning.  You stayed all day Saturday and left Sunday mid morning.  Even if you count the time at the ER you were there just over 36 hours.  As long as we’re getting the facts straight, let’s get them all straight.  Furthermore, who called the damn doctor to begin with?  Oh, that’s right.  It was me!  I called when you were on day 3 of puking and diarrhea.  Me.  I called and let them know something had been going around the plant and usually lasted 24-48 hours and that you were going on day 3 of this.  What should I do?  I was the one that took you into the doctor’s office to get you checked out.  Even there the doctor gave you the option of going into the ER.  Said he probably would in your situation but that it was up to you.  They don’t do that when you’re dying.  And after you’d been in the ER for a few hours the doctor came in and said your potassium levels were still a little low so they could hold you over night and admit you, or you could go home.  Again, not something they do if you’re dying.  And who was it that suggested you stay because otherwise you’d be riddled with anxiety that you were dying?  Me!  I did.  I said stay here at the hospital where they can take care of you and if you start to get worse you’re already here.  You know you’ll just worry yourself to death if you come home. Yes, the horrible evil bitch that cares nothing for you and thinks you’re wasting her time was the one that called the doctor and suggested you be admitted to the hospital.  What a bitch!

The only thing that was accurate was the fact that I have an alternate FB page.  But, I love how you told her to go look on there and she would be shocked about what all I was saying about her little brother.  I counted the entries from Nov. 1- Feb. 10.  This was last night so I may be off by 1 or 2, but I do believe the final tally was 27 entries that had very little to nothing to do with Zack, and if they did mention him they weren’t tearing him down, and 7 or 8 entries where I talked about our relationship, or him and Jezebel.  I was extremely pissed when I read the text and I know that post was not nice.  It wasn’t supposed to be.  So, yes, over the course of 3 months I said less than complimentary things about him or our marriage 7 or 8 times.  Keep in mind, this covered the month of December, which is already triggered by our anniversary, and had the added bonus of him throwing me under the bus to his sister.  And frankly, as I said yesterday, if the worst thing I do is vent on a fake FB page with the name Harley X I would say they both got off pretty goddamn easy!

By the way, I’m going back through all my entries and I’m tallying up all the times I bitched about him, or our relationship, vs. anything else.  I’m categorizing them, which seems a little OCD, I know, but I want to know.  Everyone has turned this into some big bitchfest where I’m taking Zack down, but I have a feeling the reality is that very little of it is actually about him or our relationship.  So much of it has been about wrapping my mind around the actions of my in-laws, or displaying pictures of Harley, or mocking her and the stupid things she likes or has done.  It’s been showing the relationship between her and my in-laws.  There have been some memes and some quotes.  I would say maybe a quarter of it has been taken up with us, and very rarely have I ranted solely about him.  His interactions with Jezebel are the only time I remember offhand really going off on him. And you know what?  I find it amazing that this has somehow turned into being all about Zack.  It’s not.  It’s about me.  It’s about what I’m going through, what I’m feeling.  I was the one that was cheated on, not him.  He cheated.  I was betrayed. I’m not sure how it is that I’m the one with the power to hurt him with my feelings.  I can understand if he had a private FB page or blog where he talked about his own feelings and how much he missed and loved Harley.  That would definitely hurt.  But reading about your wife being hurt by her in-laws preferring your whore over your wife?  Why would that hurt him? And now I’m off track…

I would love it if just for once you could put me first.  If you could stick up for me.  If you would tell everyone who would listen about how much you love me and how wonderful I am (if indeed you feel I am wonderful).  I wish you would be honest about your feelings about Harley.  I wish you would just tell me if you want to be with her and you regret choosing me.  I wish you would get better.  I wish I could make you happy.  I wish we could laugh and do fun things together.  I wish things could go back to the way they were with your family, but I know that will never happen. And I miss that.  I really do.  I’m sorry my kids won’t have more of a relationship with them but I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t drive them there and then stay a weekend or a week with them. I will not get sucked in.  I am not safe around those people; they do not have my best interests at heart.  They are much more invested in your whore. I won’t leave my kids with them because I don’t trust that they will abide by my direct order to keep Jezebel away from my kids.

I guess to close I would just say this:  If I ever find out you’ve been discussing our marital issues with your sister again, she won’t just be comforting you because I’m soooo mean.  She’ll be comforting you through your divorce. I will pack up my stuff and my kids’ stuff and I will leave.  And let’s face it.  She couldn’t manage to make it out here when you were committed to a psych ward.  She’s not going to be around everyday when you’re whining about missing your kids, or bemoaning the destruction of your marriage.  More than likely, she figures you’ll be coming home every weekend to fuck Harley so it shouldn’t be an issue.  If that doesn’t work out though you’re going to be one lonely guy because Jezebel won’t be around.

They say that the second year is the hardest and boy has it been! I think maybe it’s because that first year you’re just trying to get through it.  You finally come out the other end and then you have time to think and reflect and really examine all that happened.  The second year is definitely shaping up to be the hard one.

Present Day Sam Says: Even though the title is Things Left Unsaid That Should Have Been Said the fact of the matter is it probably wouldn’t have mattered. Said, unsaid… nothing would have changed. I think by this point, bolstered by Blockhead, Tammy Faye and Jezebel, he was already making his exit strategy. Nothing I said or did would have changed anything.

When Sam Was Batshit Crazy

March 2015

This blog is not good for me.  I’ve been reading through some of the earlier entries, mainly the ones from the last 2 or 3 months, and I’m filled with rage.  I want to hurt myself.  I was seriously contemplating taking the big butcher knife and just jabbing it into my stomach.  Or cutting my arms. Or just driving off a mountain. I’m not sure how much of this I can take.  Zack is depressed and anxious and his family and best friend all hate me and think he’d be better off without me.  For all I know he’s fucking Harley.  They did it.  They put their master plan into action and he’s got his kids here with him in our current state and his whore is only 6 hours away.  I hate it here.  I miss my friends and everything I used to do.

The only thing that keeps me going is my kids.  How can I leave them with him when he’s such a mess himself?  Maybe with me gone he’d do better, though.  He would have to.

I keep going but I just want to lie down and die.  Any little tiny spark of hope I get is flushed away quickly and I’m overcome with a sense of despair.  I’m not sure life is worth living anymore.  I can feel the darkness overwhelming me and even though I try to struggle and rise above it, I sometimes just let it.  I don’t want to disappoint or traumatize my kids but I don’t think I can take much more.  It’s got to get better or I’m going to end it.  I don’t know how yet.  I’ll give it until the end of the school year.

Present Day Sam Says:  Again, this was a very dark time for me.  I had been moved across the country.  I was pretty much on my own.  My husband was drinking and crying all the time.  My son hated living here.  I knew deep in my bones that everyone in his tiny circle was lobbying against me and I felt helpless to defend myself against that because of Zack’s mental state.  I had gambled that our marriage was going to be better than ever, that this move was going to be great for us, both as a couple and as a family, and I was watching as it all collapsed around my feet.  But… I’m better now.