I’ve spent the weekend reading a blog by a woman who’s husband was murdered by his mistress’s husband. Heartbreaking and fascinating. There are 3 things I want to touch upon but I have a feeling I will only get 1, maybe 2 of them down in print before I retire for the rest of the evening. I fell asleep on the couch but it is now 3:55 in the morning and I’m supposed to get up and go to #### tomorrow.
Anyway, here are the 3 things I contemplated: 1. She talked about wanting to confront the woman when she finally ran into her. She went to the bathroom to steady herself and while she was in there she heard the Lord tell her to be still, that this woman didn’t care about her pain and suffering. She didn’t care then, when she was doing it. And she wouldn’t care now. Powerful. 2. This woman met her new husband within about 2 months after her first husband’s murder. Being LDS I’m sure they married quickly and by the sounds of it she was married before Thanksgiving that year. This made me think of E as well. I think that within 6 months of her husband’s death she had gotten involved with his friend. Before the 2 year mark had arrived she had moved to #### to be with him and she is now engaged. Looking at Ashlee’s progress E actually took it slow! But it makes me think of what would have happened to me, to my children, if CF had left us for Harley.
Yes, I had a third topic but I’ve already forgotten it. Maybe it will come to me later.
She doesn’t care about my pain. Reading that on Ashlee’s blog resonated with me for some reason. I suppose it’s the first time I really thought about it like that.
Got it! The concept that the OW owes us nothing and is blameless in the affair. That’s been a heated topic on a debate board I read and this blog has solidified my thought that no, she’s not an innocent bystander. She’s a party to everything that is happening.
OK, back to me and good ol’ Harley. I doubt she ever thought about me when she decided to fuck around with my husband. Her only thought was about herself, her own crappy marriage, having someone around that could make her feel good. If she ever was forced to realize I was a real live person I’m sure she justified what she was doing by telling herself I was a horrible person and I didn’t deserve to have CF. No doubt he was telling her how awful I was as well. So, why would she have any sympathy for me? No, she was driven by what she wanted. I was nothing to her. And I’m sure that even today she doesn’t think about how she hurt me. That’s not for her to worry about. She only needs to worry about herself and making sure she gets whatever she wants. That was such a powerful moment for me. I realize that I have undoubtedly given her much, much more thought than she has ever given to me. I’m sure that once her little affair with my husband was disrupted she never gave me a second thought (not that she was thinking about me when she was fooling around with him anyway!). It’s been almost 19 months since I found out they were still messing around, almost 2 years since I first found out he was texting her. I know that in that time I have thought about her and her impact on me many more times than she ever thought about me. Writing that down sounds so sad. But isn’t that the way it usually works? She is selfish and thinks only of herself and what she wants. She’s not going to think about the wife of the man she’s screwing around with; I’ve had very little to no effect on her. I, on the other hand, have been affected by her actions. My marriage was affected by her actions. I have a vested interest in her because she almost destroyed my life. I have done nothing to hers. But at the heart of it all is the fact that she just doesn’t care. She doesn’t care about my pain and she never will. And quite honestly, my husband should be caring about my pain, not her.
As for all these people getting married AGAIN right after the death of a spouse… Well, let’s just say that I’m sure if CF and I had divorced I would still be single today. I mean, if I was single for 5 years between my last serious boyfriend and meeting CF I can’t imagine I would immediately meet and fall in love with someone else. I met CF when I was young, relatively thin, and had no children. Now I’m fat, old, and have 2 kids. Oh yes, I’m a catch. No, I’m fully aware that if anything happens to CF I will be alone the rest of my life. No one wanted me when I was young and cute so I can’t imagine there will be a line for me when I’m old and ugly and bringing baggage. Hell, even Jezebel is smart enough to realize that when she’s done with one husband she needs to lose weight before she finds the next one. I’ve come to realize that a fat Jezebel is happy in her marriage. When she starts losing weight watch out! She’s on the prowl and another one will bite the dust.
As for the third topic, well, I think it is bullshit. Yes, your husband made the vows to you. But the OW is fully participating. Affairs are just plain ass wrong. You may have not made vows to the wife but you know damn well you shouldn’t be fucking her husband. It takes 2 to tango. My husband couldn’t have cheated on me if he didn’t have a willing partner. Is he ultimately responsible? Sure. But that doesn’t excuse her behavior. I look at it like this: Charles Manson is sitting in prison in California; he will probably never see the light of day. And yet, to the best of anyone’s knowledge, he himself has not actually killed a single person. He sits in prison because of what he was able to talk a group of people into doing. If I hire a person to kill someone am I not responsible? Can I say, “Well, sure I gave him money and I mentioned how nice it would be if this person ceased to exist. But come on, you can’t hold me responsible for what he did! I didn’t force him to shoot that person!” Or does the guy who pulled the trigger get to plead innocence? “It was all her idea! I was sitting there, minding my own business, when she lured me in with promises of money if I would just do this one little thing.” No, both of us would be held responsible. Me for offering him the money to do the deed, and him for doing the deed. Similarly, if I were to say, “I really hate that person! I want to burn his/her house down! If I had a match I would. I’ve got plenty of gasoline I just don’t have a match and I’m too lazy to go buy one,” and someone says, “I’ve got a match. I’ll give it to you,” that person is now culpable. They knew what I was planning on doing was wrong and they helped me. They participated.
I sat there reading Ashlee’s blog and learned how this affair affected her poor little kids. Even at their young ages they were so traumatized by the death of their father. It was heartbreaking. And that woman had something to do with it. Her husband killed him because she was sleeping with him. For anyone to say she had nothing to do with it and she shouldn’t be blamed is ludicrous. She slept with a married man! She was married herself! Their affair led to her husband’s murderous rampage. She helped betray that young wife and mother. She was part of the disaster that led to five children being left without a father. I shake my head at the number of women who are ready and eager to excuse that behavior. Even women who themselves have been cheated on.
Generally these same people will say that a successful person can’t take credit for his/her success. Countless people helped to make that person a success. The parents who paid for the education, fed and clothed them during the early years, nurtured them… the people all around them that gave them chances… even the government that made the roads and bridges that people use to get to the building where this person works. I find it so interesting that a person can’t claim success on their own, but if a person has an affair they’ve suddenly done that in a vacuum. No one else participated. No one else is complicit. No one helped them have an affair. It was all on that one person.
I continue to shake my head at the people who use the excuse of: He made vows to you. She didn’t. She didn’t owe you anything. I’ve heard people say, “I wouldn’t sleep with a married man, but it’s not because I owe it to his wife. I owe it to myself to not be with someone who would put me second.” OK, if that makes you feel better. Is that really why you’re not sleeping with a married man? If he put you first, ditched his wife on all holidays, made sure you were provided for before his wife and kids, would you seriously be ok with it? I’d like to think that the majority of people have an inner moral compass. I’d like to think that the majority of people would say, “It’s WRONG to sleep with someone else’s spouse.” Hell, do you not molest children because it’s not fair to yourself because they’re too young to fully participate in a relationship with you, or do you not molest children because it is WRONG? Do you stay the fuck away from your son’s and daughter’s 17, 18 and 19 year old friends because they just can’t help pay the bills, or do you stay away from them because that is WRONG? Do you not steal or embezzle because it is WRONG or is there another more practical reason? I can think of many things that I don’t OWE to other people but I don’t do them because it would be wrong and my inner compass doesn’t allow me to do that: kidnap someone’s child because I want him/her, steal from people, embezzle, scam them out of money, take things from their home, take their car for a joyride, spread rumors to get them fired so I can take their job… I could go on and on.
Everyone thinks they know everything about affairs- why people have them, what their marriages must have been like. They don’t. Some people fool around because they’re broken. Some do it because they think they deserve it. Some do it because it’s a thrill. Some people are unhappy in their marriages. Some people aren’t. For some it’s just a perfect storm. The right circumstances with a willing partner. Some do it to get out of a marriage. Some are sex addicts and others are having a midlife crisis. The reasons vary. But, I think one of the biggest complications is that everyone believes a person only cheats if he or she is unhappy in their marriage or the spouse isn’t fulfilling all their needs. They never stop to think that maybe the cheating spouse has had a setback in life. Or even that the attention from this new person makes them feel giddy and young again; they can pretend they don’t have all of these responsibilities. If that other person wasn’t there, feeding their fantasies, maybe the spouse would move on and go back home. I’m sure that’s not true in every situation. But I’m equally sure that it’s true in some. Look at CF.
I don’t think he was out looking for an affair. He just happened to touch base with someone he knew on FB. They messaged back and forth. He complimented her. She was supposedly lonely and her marriage not so rosy. She tells him about her miserable life. He tells her about his. And from there they decide they’re in love and have a future together. If she hadn’t been there, willing and eager, would he have still cheated? I don’t think so. Not then. Maybe later, if things hadn’t changed between us.
No, the OP is never an innocent bystander. They are fully complicit in what they are doing. They are wrong and they know it.