Why Did I Do It?

March 2015

Why did I create the FB page?  Honestly, I did it at first because she had blocked me.  It was that simple.  I used an alternative email address, made up a generic name and had nothing on the page- not a picture, not a cover picture, nothing.  I did it solely so I could keep an eye on her. It wasn’t until September, after I found out she and Zack had been involved all summer long, and after his mom told her how pretty she was, that I finally added pictures. And for a while that was all that it was.  I mean, I had a few snarky entries, like the riddle about what do you call a woman who sends naked pictures to a man who’s not her husband, or my fake list of things I was grateful for.  There were a few memes with funny sayings.  But, I didn’t really start posting other stuff until December and that first anniversary hit.  Hell, that was probably when I changed my name on the profile.  I think that was probably when I started to do it more to get back at her. I was looking back and trying to figure out why on earth I wouldn’t have posted pictures from our trip to Vegas.  That seemed like something I would do.  The entries typically fell into a few categories:  pictures of her, pictures of us, musings about my in-laws, things that triggered me, memes, things from other blogs or happy moments from my life with him. So, I would think that details of our trip to Vegas would have made the list of things to post about to rub in her face if she ever saw the page, but I never put them up.

Why else did I do it?  I figured that maybe if someone was searching for her, they might come across that page and see what a whore she was.  Maybe my in-laws would get curious when they saw the name Harley X and her mug shot and click on the link to the profile.

I never did it so that Zack could see it.  In hindsight I probably should have made almost everything private, or friends only at least, except the pictures and maybe stuff about their affair.  I’m sorry it hurt him.  Unfortunately, there is no way around that.  I won’t pretend like it didn’t happen.  I won’t pretend that I never get sad, or that there are never any triggers.  And he can’t handle that.  We don’t talk about his affair.  We haven’t talked about it since the day after I found out he was bragging about marrying her. He can’t handle it and there’s never a good time.  Either he’s anxious and depressed, or he’s in a good mood and I don’t want to dampen it. We haven’t talked about his text to Jezebel in December where he told her he never should have tried to be happy.  We haven’t talked about his texts where he tells her I hate him and that I wrote about him annoying me and wasting my time on my other FB page, or any of her pleadings with him to leave me. And believe me, I am pissed about all of that.  But again, when do you bring it up?  When he’s in a rare good mood?  When he’s already depressed and thinks I’m going to leave?

I didn’t do it so that his friends could see it, and again, I know I was stupid.  I should have made a huge majority of it not open to the public.

This is the part that always pisses me off.  Zack cheats and everyone feels sorry for him.  I vent on a hidden page and I’m the bad guy.  I’m unbalanced, unhinged, horrible.  Harley is a whore that was willing to cheat with my husband and everyone tells her how pretty she is and fawns over her.  I’m so tired of it.  I’m sure everyone thinks that I’m the one that sent Zack over the edge and into the psych ward.  It wasn’t me.  It was Blockhead and Jezebel. Blockhead with his helpful gossip, telling him everything I’m saying, and Jezebel encouraging him to leave me and telling him how horrible I am.  But yep, I’m horrible.  How dare I not develop amnesia and completely forget that he and good ol’ Harley plotted to move me and my kids out here, destroy our lives, take away everything we loved, all so that they could hook up and fuck each other’s brains out on a more consistent basis?  How can I possibly be upset over what they did- all of them?  Zack, Harley, Jezebel, Tammy Faye, Pastor Fake.  All innocent little sheep and I’m the big, bad wolf.

Enough about that.  I think this entry is done.  I started my alternate page to keep tabs on her after she blocked me.  Then it moved to trying to humiliate her or at least out her.  And then it simply turned into a place where I could vent.

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