What do I wish I could say to him? I don’t know if I can even get it all out. I think I’d start with this: You aren’t the only one whose mind races with bad thoughts, or has bad days or wants to stop living. How do you think it feels knowing that you told your sister, everyone who would listen probably, how awful I was, how unhappy I made you, and then turned around and gushed over how happy Harley made you, how you loved her, she was your soul mate? Do you know what’s it like to know that you will never gush over me like that to anyone? You only tell them how awful I am, how I hate you, and how I’ve neglected you. Do you have any idea what kind of trigger you talking about being happy is for me? I really think she is your true love, Zack. In the 3 1/2 months you were messing around with her you never needed to be put into a psych ward, you never had an anxiety attack, you weren’t depressed. You say you realized back in June that it was me you loved and wanted but you kept up with her. You couldn’t let her go and you never once felt bad about it. You weren’t wracked with guilt. You weren’t short tempered or anxiety ridden about your double life or your lies. You were HAPPY! And ever since you’ve ended it you’ve been a mess. So really, why did you stay? I gave you an out. I’ve given you several opportunities since then to tell me you made a mistake, that you stayed for honor and duty but that you love her. You won’t take them but you continue to be miserable with me. You continue to throw me under the bus to your sister and to anyone who will listen. You never defend me. You never talk about how much you love me. Only what I’m doing wrong, or not doing at all.
Do you know what it did to me when I read you telling your sister that you never should have tried to be happy? I’m right back there on the day I found out about the two of you. I’m right back there to the day you sent me the text “that ended it” which was her text to you, and I’m left wondering, why, if you had already ended it, was she texting you this drivel? Why did it seem like she was calling it off? I read your happy remark and immediately I began to think, “See, he never wanted to choose you? He always wanted her. You were an obligation, a duty. You were the barrier between him and his kids. He didn’t want to leave them so he stayed with you. She’s the one that made him happy. She’s the one he loves. He’ll never be happy as long as he’s with you.”
Do you have any idea how devastated I’ve felt since December 26th when I found your text to your sister, basically throwing me under the bus instead of taking up for me? Our anniversary is tough enough to deal with, but to have that on top of it. And then I’m supposed to nurse you through your depression and suicidal spiral? Which was essentially brought on by your damn sister, your nosy “best friend”, and your own guilt, as opposed to anything I did? You keep piling it on and I’m supposed to keep shoveling, all the while with a smile on my face.
Do you know what it was like to see you telling Jezebel outright lies about me? I don’t hate you. That was your own guilt eating you alive. How dare you insist that I say those exact words: I forgive you. You don’t think working on this marriage shows forgiveness? You don’t think never threatening divorce shows forgiveness? You don’t think moving 2000 miles across the country (when I know that you and Harley plotted to have you move closer) doesn’t show forgiveness and a willingness to move forward? And hell, when we get right down to it I did finally say those exact words to you. I said them in the psych ward when you were crying and convinced I was leaving.
I never said you were annoying me and wasting my time. I never said it. Not when you were in the hospital, not when you were out of the hospital. Never. Outright lie. And furthermore, you were not dying. They don’t observe people in the ER for hours on end if they’re dying. You weren’t there 2 1/2 days. You went to the ER around 8 on Friday. You didn’t get admitted to the hospital until 1 or 2 on Saturday morning. You stayed all day Saturday and left Sunday mid morning. Even if you count the time at the ER you were there just over 36 hours. As long as we’re getting the facts straight, let’s get them all straight. Furthermore, who called the damn doctor to begin with? Oh, that’s right. It was me! I called when you were on day 3 of puking and diarrhea. Me. I called and let them know something had been going around the plant and usually lasted 24-48 hours and that you were going on day 3 of this. What should I do? I was the one that took you into the doctor’s office to get you checked out. Even there the doctor gave you the option of going into the ER. Said he probably would in your situation but that it was up to you. They don’t do that when you’re dying. And after you’d been in the ER for a few hours the doctor came in and said your potassium levels were still a little low so they could hold you over night and admit you, or you could go home. Again, not something they do if you’re dying. And who was it that suggested you stay because otherwise you’d be riddled with anxiety that you were dying? Me! I did. I said stay here at the hospital where they can take care of you and if you start to get worse you’re already here. You know you’ll just worry yourself to death if you come home. Yes, the horrible evil bitch that cares nothing for you and thinks you’re wasting her time was the one that called the doctor and suggested you be admitted to the hospital. What a bitch!
The only thing that was accurate was the fact that I have an alternate FB page. But, I love how you told her to go look on there and she would be shocked about what all I was saying about her little brother. I counted the entries from Nov. 1- Feb. 10. This was last night so I may be off by 1 or 2, but I do believe the final tally was 27 entries that had very little to nothing to do with Zack, and if they did mention him they weren’t tearing him down, and 7 or 8 entries where I talked about our relationship, or him and Jezebel. I was extremely pissed when I read the text and I know that post was not nice. It wasn’t supposed to be. So, yes, over the course of 3 months I said less than complimentary things about him or our marriage 7 or 8 times. Keep in mind, this covered the month of December, which is already triggered by our anniversary, and had the added bonus of him throwing me under the bus to his sister. And frankly, as I said yesterday, if the worst thing I do is vent on a fake FB page with the name Harley X I would say they both got off pretty goddamn easy!
By the way, I’m going back through all my entries and I’m tallying up all the times I bitched about him, or our relationship, vs. anything else. I’m categorizing them, which seems a little OCD, I know, but I want to know. Everyone has turned this into some big bitchfest where I’m taking Zack down, but I have a feeling the reality is that very little of it is actually about him or our relationship. So much of it has been about wrapping my mind around the actions of my in-laws, or displaying pictures of Harley, or mocking her and the stupid things she likes or has done. It’s been showing the relationship between her and my in-laws. There have been some memes and some quotes. I would say maybe a quarter of it has been taken up with us, and very rarely have I ranted solely about him. His interactions with Jezebel are the only time I remember offhand really going off on him. And you know what? I find it amazing that this has somehow turned into being all about Zack. It’s not. It’s about me. It’s about what I’m going through, what I’m feeling. I was the one that was cheated on, not him. He cheated. I was betrayed. I’m not sure how it is that I’m the one with the power to hurt him with my feelings. I can understand if he had a private FB page or blog where he talked about his own feelings and how much he missed and loved Harley. That would definitely hurt. But reading about your wife being hurt by her in-laws preferring your whore over your wife? Why would that hurt him? And now I’m off track…
I would love it if just for once you could put me first. If you could stick up for me. If you would tell everyone who would listen about how much you love me and how wonderful I am (if indeed you feel I am wonderful). I wish you would be honest about your feelings about Harley. I wish you would just tell me if you want to be with her and you regret choosing me. I wish you would get better. I wish I could make you happy. I wish we could laugh and do fun things together. I wish things could go back to the way they were with your family, but I know that will never happen. And I miss that. I really do. I’m sorry my kids won’t have more of a relationship with them but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t drive them there and then stay a weekend or a week with them. I will not get sucked in. I am not safe around those people; they do not have my best interests at heart. They are much more invested in your whore. I won’t leave my kids with them because I don’t trust that they will abide by my direct order to keep Jezebel away from my kids.
I guess to close I would just say this: If I ever find out you’ve been discussing our marital issues with your sister again, she won’t just be comforting you because I’m soooo mean. She’ll be comforting you through your divorce. I will pack up my stuff and my kids’ stuff and I will leave. And let’s face it. She couldn’t manage to make it out here when you were committed to a psych ward. She’s not going to be around everyday when you’re whining about missing your kids, or bemoaning the destruction of your marriage. More than likely, she figures you’ll be coming home every weekend to fuck Harley so it shouldn’t be an issue. If that doesn’t work out though you’re going to be one lonely guy because Jezebel won’t be around.
They say that the second year is the hardest and boy has it been! I think maybe it’s because that first year you’re just trying to get through it. You finally come out the other end and then you have time to think and reflect and really examine all that happened. The second year is definitely shaping up to be the hard one.
Present Day Sam Says: Even though the title is Things Left Unsaid That Should Have Been Said the fact of the matter is it probably wouldn’t have mattered. Said, unsaid… nothing would have changed. I think by this point, bolstered by Blockhead, Tammy Faye and Jezebel, he was already making his exit strategy. Nothing I said or did would have changed anything.