It’s Thursday once again. We get about 52 of them a year! So you all know what that means. It’s time for another Blast From the Past. This one isn’t so much about me and CF. It’s about the whole bullshit concept that you need to understand and accept your cheating spouse’s lingering “feelings” for his or her affair partner.
I saw this on a blog and wanted to explore it a little more. She writes: If you are a BS (betrayed spouse) reading this, you probably hate thinking your cheating spouse may have lingering feelings for someone else. And not just someone else, but a someone that destroyed your marriage. Please know- It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It doesn’t mean they aren’t incredibly happy they have stayed with you. It doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply sorry. It just means feelings are hard to “switch off”.
I’ve touched on this in regards to someone’s blog, but again I say I think this is bullshit and I don’t think I could have coped if that’s the way Zack felt. Hell, maybe that is the way he felt; he was just smart enough to know not to tell me.
Rationally, I get it. I’ve read it before. They cheated with this person. There was a relationship of some sort. They thought they loved this person (perhaps genuinely did) and it takes time for feelings to go away. I think someone even described it as waiting for the fog to lift. But as a betrayed spouse I think it’s completely unfair. You have to first forgive your spouse and then you’re being asked to bring them a cup of tea and listen sympathetically to them while they whine about having to end things with their affair partner? And yes, I know, that’s not what they’re really saying. We’re just supposed to be sympathetic and understanding while they come to terms with their “loss”. That’s no better.
As I’ve said before I may be a bite off your nose to spite your face kinda gal but seriously- if my husband is still mooning over his whore he can have her (hypothetically, of course. I don’t believe mine is and this isn’t about him). I wouldn’t care that he still loved me, that he chose me, that he’s happy he’s still married to me, or even that he’s sorry. I refuse to be married to a man who has feelings like that for another woman. Period. At the very least I would demand a separation, a physical, actual separation while he got his head out of his ass. Come back when you’re over her. And if it takes too long I’m moving on. Sorry, but life’s too short for that shit. I’m not playing second fiddle to his whore. “Oh, sweetie, I understand. This breakup with your whore is so difficult, so hard. Hey- I’ve got an idea! Instead of you recovering from this difficult, heartbreaking breakup with your whore, let’s just go ahead and have you deal with an incredibly difficult divorce from your wife! That should be much easier, right?” Isn’t it kinda funny (aka sad) how you never hear advice to the OP that once he/she leaves their spouse there may be a period of mourning for said spouse and their marriage? Apparently, breaking up with a whore is very very difficult, but ending an actual marriage is a piece of cake!
Here’s the thing. As the wife, if he’s still mooning over the affair partner, you’ll always be second. You’re reality. She’s fantasy. And I’m not just talking about the parameters of an affair and how it doesn’t match day to day life. Think of anything in life where you’ve dreamed of something happening. Any big event. A wedding, a vacation, holidays, birth of a child. So many times we create these pictures in our mind of how we want everything to go down. I, personally, have always imagined a Christmas where I get Christmas cards out by the first week of December. The kids and I bake Christmas goodies. My Christmas shopping is done and the gifts are wrapped well before Christmas Eve. Maybe we go out and chop down a tree and then head home to decorate said tree while Christmas carols play in the background and we sip hot chocolate. This has never happened. None of it. I mean, I’ve baked a little, but it’s always last minute. That’s what life with the affair partner is. It’s a possibility. It’s a fantasy. You don’t know what life really will be like with that person until you take that next step and leave your spouse and actually marry the affair partner. So your wife will never measure up to the affair partner when you’re waxing poetically over your lost love. You’ve lost nothing because of the affair and the only thing you can concentrate on is how incredible your affair partner is/was and how you’ve lost this all encompassing love. Because it’s still a possibility, a perfect fantasy not ruined by reality.
I also think it’s incredibly unfair to ask this of the betrayed spouse because you’re asking her/him to accept the fact that once again there are 3 people in this marriage. As long as the AP is front and center in your spouse’s thoughts, it’s not just the 2 of you trying to work through this. I don’t need that. It’s already difficult enough. If getting over your whore is so incredibly difficult just go be with her and stop wasting my time.