Today is shaping up to be a bad day. Yesterday was not hot either. I called about getting a loan for a pool finally. Found out, as expected, that we can’t do a home equity loan because we just bought the house and don’t have the equity needed to get one for the pool. So, we’re left with a personal loan. To borrow the full amount would end up being a payment of $850 per month. No fucking way. So, I ask about how much stock he has because he had said he would do whatever was necessary to make sure we got the pool. He has around $30,000 he can cash in; that doesn’t take into consideration the taxes, which he thinks would be around $10,000. We would still need to take out a loan for the rest of it. A $20,000 loan would amount to a payment over 7 years of about $340. That’s doable, although I hate the fact we’re paying that on top of depleting all of his available stock. I’m still debating whether or not to go through with it, and it all hinges on whether or not the loan goes through. There’s also the fact that we have no idea how much of our savings is going to go towards taxes, if any, because we don’t know if we owe or not. And there’s also that pesky little business about his week long hospital stay in the psych ward and not knowing if insurance will cover it or if we’ll be paying on that for the rest of our lives. So that was my plight yesterday, and yes, I know in the grand scheme of things my problems are not that big. It’s not a problem at all, simply a disappointment.
Today I’m in a slight funk just thinking about how embarrassing my situation is. Everyone involved with Zack knows what he did. I’m sure they look at me and think, “What did she do wrong? Why did he cheat on her? What were her failings?” I’ve got his best friend spying on my FB page and reporting back to him. I’m sure he and his wife got a great laugh over the fact that Zack cheated on me, and of course, I’m painted as the crazy one. He’s perfectly sane and I’m a nutcase. A nutcase that deserved to be cheated on.
I’m sure everyone in his family knows he cheated. I’m sure they’re all talking about it and why I deserved it and how much they love Harley and wish he had chosen her. I mean, why bother to have an affair if you’re not going to leave your wife?
I’m so tired of feeling humiliated. I’m tired of being portrayed as the bad guy. Zack somehow is a fucking saint and I’m the awful person. Maybe I should go off and fuck some guy and then *I* could be the good guy! But no, I have a moral compass and my moral compass says no sex with someone other than your husband. So I guess I get to remain the bad guy because we all know only the cheaters are the good guys. And I continue to be humiliated and embarrassed by the fact that my husband cheated and it’s the topic of conversation with all his friends and family, while no one on my side knows what he did, with the exception of 3 people.
I’m tired today. I’m tired and I’m depressed and I’m in a shitty mood. He swore this move was going to be a positive. It was exactly what he needed. And he’s been unhappier here than I’ve ever seen him. We made promises to our kids and we are slowly breaking all of them, one by one. I did not move 2000 miles away from my friends and uproot my kids’ lives so we could downsize and give them less.
I’m really pissed about this pool. I’ve been telling everyone we’re getting one and now that it’s go time there’s a distinct possibility that we won’t get one. Who’s going to come visit me now? Hey, we have a quilt museum! Or, if you don’t mind getting in the car and driving 30 minutes to an hour we can go visit some caverns. And if you’ve got some cash to spend on a hotel room in DC, that’s only 2 hours away but if you don’t spend the night you’re going to miss out on a lot. But as far as BFE goes? Yeah, there’s nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can take you down to where the food trucks are. That’s exciting.
And while I’m in bitch mode I’ll just say it. This is not my dream house. We bought this house because we could put a pool in the back yard. If we’re not going to put a pool in then I would have preferred the house over on Diamond. That was my dream house. It was gorgeous. Marble entryway. A larger hallway. A kitchen that had an island and a breakfast bar AND space for a kitchen table. We don’t have that here. We have to eat at the island or at the dining room table in the dining room. No kitchen table. That house had amazing views of the city. We have no amazing views. The master bedroom was bigger and had a sitting room, plus the bathroom had a separate jetted tub and shower, as opposed to my discount hotel shower/tub combo. The family room had a built in wet bar. The enclosed porch was big enough for a table and chairs plus a hammock. It was gorgeous out there. We have a small square closed in porch. It fits a table and chairs. That’s it. No hammock. Then they had a much bigger hot tub, also on the deck, and a separate deck off the master bedroom. And they had 2 fireplaces. I really really liked that house. The only drawback was the backyard and not being able to put a pool in. And the kids would have gone to Whoreville City schools so Rock Star wouldn’t have the friends she has now, but does that matter? I mean, she wouldn’t know she had lost anything.
So anyway, I’m in a house that I think is ok. I don’t hate it but I also don’t think it has a single feature that makes you say, “Wow!” It never made my top 3 list of houses I thought I would pick when looking online, although I will admit that when we walked through the first time I did like it. I bought this house that is ok because it had a large backyard where we could put a pool in. We chose this one over the house in D because 1. someone else was going to bid on it, 2. it was not fenced in and we were going to need that, and 3. lack of storage space. We chose it over the one on Diamond because of the backyard. That was pretty much it.
OK, I think I’m done bitching. Maybe. I’m still pissed about the pool. And I’m still furious that I have to deal with the humiliation of being cheated on. And I don’t like being talked about like I’m some nutcase or like I deserved to be cheated on. But, I’ll get over it, I’m sure.
Present Day Sam Says: I’m not sorry I bitched about him and the humiliation I felt knowing everyone in his family knew I was cheated on. I am sorry I bitched about my house.
I grew to love that house. I turned it into a home. I turned it into our home. Then he turned around and destroyed it.
I’m also slightly sorry about bitching about my pool. In hindsight those worries are so insignificant and at the time they were in the forefront of my mind. But as I’ve frequently said it’s not like I would have emerged from this situation with any more cash. He would have cashed in even more stock and handed it over to Harley and the hooligans.