Tightropes & Buses

March 2015

It’s a high volume day, I guess.

You know I was thinking about the juxtaposition between the way I deal with Zack and what he’s done, and how Zack deals with it.  I’ve been walking a tightrope, trying to explain what’s going on with him, trying to explain him telling his sister I hate him and her begging him to leave me, trying to explain everything while not vilifying anyone (Jezebel) and not making anyone look crazy (Zack).  I mean, seriously, how do you explain to anyone why your husband thinks you hate him?  Oh, no reason! He’s just off his rocker.  Or, well, gee, I guess I forgot to tell you this but over a year ago but he had an affair and his guilt is eating him alive.  Would you please come down/up and support him in his time of need?  Thanks!  And you’ve got to explain that one in order to not make Jezebel just look like a complete lunatic who’s coming from out of left field.  So, yeah, that’s me.  Walking a tightrope.  Trying my best to protect him. And what does Zack do?  Well, Zack throws my ass under a bus.  She hates me!  She wrote on her fake FB page that I was wasting her time and annoying her while I was laying DYING in a hospital bed. She has a fake Facebook page and she says awful things about me there!  She’s got pictures of Harley up there!  Yep, just throw me under the bus.  And then when you get your head out of your ass I’m your rock and savior, once again.

I would bet you a million dollars that he never texts her to say:  Hey, Jezebel, you know all those things I told you about my wife?  None of it was true.  Well, she does have a FB page with the name Harley X but that’s it.  She doesn’t hate me.  That was my own guilt over what I did. (Hey, why didn’t you tell me that cheating could lead to a guilty conscience?)  She’s never thrown me out.  She’s never told me she wants a divorce.  In fact, she has always said from the very beginning she wants to make this marriage work. She didn’t write anything on her other FB page while I was in the hospital, much less that I was annoying her and wasting her time.  I’m sorry I text you when I’m drunk and depressed.  It might be better if you take everything I say about my wife with a grain of salt because in the end, I love her and I’m terrified she’s going to leave me.

Just like I’m sure he never told her that I owned up to all my failures as a wife.  Or that I ate the show lettuce so that he didn’t look like the only idiot at the management Christmas party.  Or that I agreed to move across the country even though that meant moving almost 20 hours closer to *her* and knowing full well that I live where I live because of the two of them.  I’m sure he didn’t tell her he never participated in family activities or that I asked him to do a date night with me, or that he kicked me out of our bed because I snored.  Probably didn’t tell her that he wasn’t involved with the kids much or that he left me to do everything with them.  No, I’m sure that was all glossed over so that he looked like the poor put upon victim and I was the ball busting nasty bitch. And yes, I’m aware that sounds mean but I don’t know of a nicer way to put it.

The way I look at it is if creating a fake Facebook page and using the name Harley X was the worst thing I did to him (and her) after their affair they should feel pretty goddamned blessed.

Why Did I Do It?

March 2015

Why did I create the FB page?  Honestly, I did it at first because she had blocked me.  It was that simple.  I used an alternative email address, made up a generic name and had nothing on the page- not a picture, not a cover picture, nothing.  I did it solely so I could keep an eye on her. It wasn’t until September, after I found out she and Zack had been involved all summer long, and after his mom told her how pretty she was, that I finally added pictures. And for a while that was all that it was.  I mean, I had a few snarky entries, like the riddle about what do you call a woman who sends naked pictures to a man who’s not her husband, or my fake list of things I was grateful for.  There were a few memes with funny sayings.  But, I didn’t really start posting other stuff until December and that first anniversary hit.  Hell, that was probably when I changed my name on the profile.  I think that was probably when I started to do it more to get back at her. I was looking back and trying to figure out why on earth I wouldn’t have posted pictures from our trip to Vegas.  That seemed like something I would do.  The entries typically fell into a few categories:  pictures of her, pictures of us, musings about my in-laws, things that triggered me, memes, things from other blogs or happy moments from my life with him. So, I would think that details of our trip to Vegas would have made the list of things to post about to rub in her face if she ever saw the page, but I never put them up.

Why else did I do it?  I figured that maybe if someone was searching for her, they might come across that page and see what a whore she was.  Maybe my in-laws would get curious when they saw the name Harley X and her mug shot and click on the link to the profile.

I never did it so that Zack could see it.  In hindsight I probably should have made almost everything private, or friends only at least, except the pictures and maybe stuff about their affair.  I’m sorry it hurt him.  Unfortunately, there is no way around that.  I won’t pretend like it didn’t happen.  I won’t pretend that I never get sad, or that there are never any triggers.  And he can’t handle that.  We don’t talk about his affair.  We haven’t talked about it since the day after I found out he was bragging about marrying her. He can’t handle it and there’s never a good time.  Either he’s anxious and depressed, or he’s in a good mood and I don’t want to dampen it. We haven’t talked about his text to Jezebel in December where he told her he never should have tried to be happy.  We haven’t talked about his texts where he tells her I hate him and that I wrote about him annoying me and wasting my time on my other FB page, or any of her pleadings with him to leave me. And believe me, I am pissed about all of that.  But again, when do you bring it up?  When he’s in a rare good mood?  When he’s already depressed and thinks I’m going to leave?

I didn’t do it so that his friends could see it, and again, I know I was stupid.  I should have made a huge majority of it not open to the public.

This is the part that always pisses me off.  Zack cheats and everyone feels sorry for him.  I vent on a hidden page and I’m the bad guy.  I’m unbalanced, unhinged, horrible.  Harley is a whore that was willing to cheat with my husband and everyone tells her how pretty she is and fawns over her.  I’m so tired of it.  I’m sure everyone thinks that I’m the one that sent Zack over the edge and into the psych ward.  It wasn’t me.  It was Blockhead and Jezebel. Blockhead with his helpful gossip, telling him everything I’m saying, and Jezebel encouraging him to leave me and telling him how horrible I am.  But yep, I’m horrible.  How dare I not develop amnesia and completely forget that he and good ol’ Harley plotted to move me and my kids out here, destroy our lives, take away everything we loved, all so that they could hook up and fuck each other’s brains out on a more consistent basis?  How can I possibly be upset over what they did- all of them?  Zack, Harley, Jezebel, Tammy Faye, Pastor Fake.  All innocent little sheep and I’m the big, bad wolf.

Enough about that.  I think this entry is done.  I started my alternate page to keep tabs on her after she blocked me.  Then it moved to trying to humiliate her or at least out her.  And then it simply turned into a place where I could vent.

CF Comes Through… Sorta

My daughter is off visiting friends in another state. My daughter is a walking disaster. Put her up on a four inch wide beam three feet in the air and she can work her magic. Put her on the ground and she can’t walk without tripping over her own feet.  I got a frantic call from her, followed by text messages from her friends, letting me know she thought she had broken her arm.

Oh, it gets better. Not only did she think she broke her arm, but she had been riding in a golf cart which went into a ditch, throwing her out of it. The final injury tally? Another broken nose, facial lacerations, a possible broken bone in her hand, a sprained wrist and a concussion. Plus, she hit so hard her contacts were knocked out of her eyes and we now need to order new ones for her.

Being the good mom I am and the good future ex-wife I must be until after the divorce is final I text CF to let him know our daughter had been injured. That’s the right thing to do, right?

Funny story here. I asked the mobster his opinion because I really didn’t want to and I figured he would tell me I should tell him. Instead he replied, “Nope. It ain’t life threatening.” He said later he was being a smart ass but I was completely surprised. As I said, I figured he would definitely vote for tell.

As you can imagine my mom was firmly in the camp of, “Why in the hell did you need to tell him?”

So I told him. A little more than 30 minutes later he finally texted back to express his concerns, to ask that I keep him updated and to repeatedly thank me for letting him know. Yes, because I am such a monster I would just let a kid die and not bother to tell him. I told him that I would update him on whether or not she needed surgery on the nose or wrist but that I wouldn’t know anything until next week.

At the time I didn’t know about the concussion so today I had the pleasure of contacting him again to update him. This time he replied pretty quickly. Of course, today he’s at work (unless he’s been forced to resign again) and the other day was a holiday so I’m sure he had to consult with Harley to see if he should reply and if so, what he should say.

Yes, her uncle and grandfather/my stepmom both texted sooner in reply than her own father did but he did somewhat come through for her. I don’t think he’s contacted her directly although I haven’t asked either.

Now if I could just get the sonofabitch to pay his actual court ordered support….

They Don’t Care About Our Pain

March 2015

I’ve spent the weekend reading a blog by a woman who’s husband was murdered by his mistress’s husband. Heartbreaking and fascinating.  There are 3 things I want to touch upon but I have a feeling I will only get 1, maybe 2 of them down in print before I retire for the rest of the evening.  I fell asleep on the couch but it is now 3:55 in the morning and I’m supposed to get up and go to #### tomorrow.

Anyway, here are the 3 things I contemplated: 1. She talked about wanting to confront the woman when she finally ran into her.  She went to the bathroom to steady herself and while she was in there she heard the Lord tell her to be still, that this woman didn’t care about her pain and suffering.  She didn’t care then, when she was doing it.  And she wouldn’t care now.  Powerful.  2. This woman met her new husband within about 2 months after her first husband’s murder.  Being LDS I’m sure they married quickly and by the sounds of it she was married before Thanksgiving that year.  This made me think of E as well.  I think that within 6 months of her husband’s death she had gotten involved with his friend. Before the 2 year mark had arrived she had moved to #### to be with him and she is now engaged.  Looking at Ashlee’s progress E actually took it slow! But it makes me think of what would have happened to me, to my children, if CF had left us for Harley.

Yes, I had a third topic but I’ve already forgotten it.  Maybe it will come to me later.

She doesn’t care about my pain.  Reading that on Ashlee’s blog resonated with me for some reason.  I suppose it’s the first time I really thought about it like that.

Got it!  The concept that the OW owes us nothing and is blameless in the affair.  That’s been a heated topic on a debate board I read and this blog has solidified my thought that no, she’s not an innocent bystander.  She’s a party to everything that is happening.

OK, back to me and good ol’ Harley.  I doubt she ever thought about me when she decided to fuck around with my husband.  Her only thought was about herself, her own crappy marriage, having someone around that could make her feel good. If she ever was forced to realize I was a real live person I’m sure she justified what she was doing by telling herself I was a horrible person and I didn’t deserve to have CF.  No doubt he was telling her how awful I was as well. So, why would she have any sympathy for me?  No, she was driven by what she wanted.  I was nothing to her.  And I’m sure that even today she doesn’t think about how she hurt me.  That’s not for her to worry about. She only needs to worry about herself and making sure she gets whatever she wants. That was such a powerful moment for me.  I realize that I have undoubtedly given her much, much more thought than she has ever given to me. I’m sure that once her little affair with my husband was disrupted she never gave me a second thought (not that she was thinking about me when she was fooling around with him anyway!). It’s been almost 19 months since I found out they were still messing around, almost 2 years since I first found out he was texting her.  I know that in that time I have thought about her and her impact on me many more times than she ever thought about me.  Writing that down sounds so sad.  But isn’t that the way it usually works? She is selfish and thinks only of herself and what she wants.  She’s not going to think about the wife of the man she’s screwing around with; I’ve had very little to no effect on her.  I, on the other hand, have been affected by her actions. My marriage was affected by her actions. I have a vested interest in her because she almost destroyed my life.  I have done nothing to hers. But at the heart of it all is the fact that she just doesn’t care. She doesn’t care about my pain and she never will.  And quite honestly, my husband should be caring about my pain, not her.

As for all these people getting married AGAIN right after the death of a spouse… Well, let’s just say that I’m sure if CF and I had divorced I would still be single today.  I mean, if I was single for 5 years between my last serious boyfriend and meeting CF I can’t imagine I would immediately meet and fall in love with someone else.  I met CF when I was young, relatively thin, and had no children.  Now I’m fat, old, and have 2 kids.  Oh yes, I’m a catch. No, I’m fully aware that if anything happens to CF I will be alone the rest of my life.  No one wanted me when I was young and cute so I can’t imagine there will be a line for me when I’m old and ugly and bringing baggage. Hell, even Jezebel is smart enough to realize that when she’s done with one husband she needs to lose weight before she finds the next one. I’ve come to realize that a fat Jezebel is happy in her marriage.  When she starts losing weight watch out! She’s on the prowl and another one will bite the dust.

As for the third topic, well, I think it is bullshit.  Yes, your husband made the vows to you.  But the OW is fully participating.  Affairs are just plain ass wrong.  You may have not made vows to the wife but you know damn well you shouldn’t be fucking her husband.  It takes 2 to tango.  My husband couldn’t have cheated on me if he didn’t have a willing partner.  Is he ultimately responsible?  Sure.  But that doesn’t excuse her behavior. I look at it like this:  Charles Manson is sitting in prison in California; he will probably never see the light of day.  And yet, to the best of anyone’s knowledge, he himself has not actually killed a single person.  He sits in prison because of what he was able to talk a group of people into doing.  If I hire a person to kill someone am I not responsible?  Can I say, “Well, sure I gave him money and I mentioned how nice it would be if this person ceased to exist.  But come on, you can’t hold me responsible for what he did! I didn’t force him to shoot that person!”  Or does the guy who pulled the trigger get to plead innocence?  “It was all her idea!  I was sitting there, minding my own business, when she lured me in with promises of money if I would just do this one little thing.”  No, both of us would be held responsible.  Me for offering him the money to do the deed, and him for doing the deed.  Similarly, if I were to say, “I really hate that person!  I want to burn his/her house down!  If I had a match I would.  I’ve got plenty of gasoline I just don’t have a match and I’m too lazy to go buy one,” and someone says, “I’ve got a match.  I’ll give it to you,” that person is now culpable. They knew what I was planning on doing was wrong and they helped me.  They participated.

I sat there reading Ashlee’s blog and learned how this affair affected her poor little kids.  Even at their young ages they were so traumatized by the death of their father.  It was heartbreaking.  And that woman had something to do with it.  Her husband killed him because she was sleeping with him. For anyone to say she had nothing to do with it and she shouldn’t be blamed is ludicrous.  She slept with a married man!  She was married herself!  Their affair led to her husband’s murderous rampage. She helped betray that young wife and mother.  She was part of the disaster that led to five children being left without a father. I shake my head at the number of women who are ready and eager to excuse that behavior. Even women who themselves have been cheated on.

Generally these same people will say that a successful person can’t take credit for his/her success.  Countless people helped to make that person a success.  The parents who paid for the education, fed and clothed them during the early years, nurtured them… the people all around them that gave them chances… even the government that made the roads and bridges that people use to get to the building where this person works.  I find it so interesting that a person can’t claim success on their own, but if a person has an affair they’ve suddenly done that in a vacuum.  No one else participated.  No one else is complicit.  No one helped them have an affair.  It was all on that one person.

I continue to shake my head at the people who use the excuse of: He made vows to you.  She didn’t.  She didn’t owe you anything.  I’ve heard people say, “I wouldn’t sleep with a married man, but it’s not because I owe it to his wife.  I owe it to myself to not be with someone who would put me second.”  OK, if that makes you feel better.  Is that really why you’re not sleeping with a married man?  If he put you first, ditched his wife on all holidays, made sure you were provided for before his wife and kids, would you seriously be ok with it?  I’d like to think that the majority of people have an inner moral compass.  I’d like to think that the majority of people would say, “It’s WRONG to sleep with someone else’s spouse.”  Hell, do you not molest children because it’s not fair to yourself because they’re too young to fully participate in a relationship with you, or do you not molest children because it is WRONG?  Do you stay the fuck away from your son’s and daughter’s 17, 18 and 19 year old friends because they just can’t help pay the bills, or do you stay away from them because that is WRONG?  Do you not steal or embezzle because it is WRONG or is there another more practical reason?  I can think of many things that I don’t OWE to other people but I don’t do them because it would be wrong and my inner compass doesn’t allow me to do that: kidnap someone’s child because I want him/her, steal from people, embezzle, scam them out of money, take things from their home, take their car for a joyride, spread rumors to get them fired so I can take their job… I could go on and on.

Everyone thinks they know everything about affairs- why people have them, what their marriages must have been like. They don’t.  Some people fool around because they’re broken.  Some do it because they think they deserve it.  Some do it because it’s a thrill.  Some people are unhappy in their marriages.  Some people aren’t. For some it’s just a perfect storm.  The right circumstances with a willing partner.  Some do it to get out of a marriage. Some are sex addicts and others are having a midlife crisis.  The reasons vary. But, I think one of the biggest complications is that everyone believes a person only cheats if he or she is unhappy in their marriage or the spouse isn’t fulfilling all their needs.  They never stop to think that maybe the cheating spouse has had a setback in life.  Or even that the attention from this new person makes them feel giddy and young again; they can pretend they don’t have all of these responsibilities.  If that other person wasn’t there, feeding their fantasies, maybe the spouse would move on and go back home.  I’m sure that’s not true in every situation.  But I’m equally sure that it’s true in some.  Look at CF.

I don’t think he was out looking for an affair.  He just happened to touch base with someone he knew on FB.  They messaged back and forth.  He complimented her.  She was supposedly lonely and her marriage not so rosy.  She tells him about her miserable life.  He tells her about his.  And from there they decide they’re in love and have a future together.  If she hadn’t been there, willing and eager, would he have still cheated?  I don’t think so.  Not then.  Maybe later, if things hadn’t changed between us.

No, the OP is never an innocent bystander.  They are fully complicit in what they are doing.  They are wrong and they know it.

More Fun As Zach’s Wife

Two looks back at life as it used to be. As hard as it’s been since he just decided he had no obligation to any of us it’s so much better than how it used to be. Financially it’s more difficult, of course, but emotionally it is so much easier. I don’t have to put up with his bullshit anymore. No more catering to him. No more wondering what else I can do to try to make him happy.

March 2015

Just breathe. Don’t panic.  I opened a benefits envelope only a minute ago.  It was for medical leave/salary continuation.  They haven’t been able to reach the provider and are therefore denying the claim until we provide the documentation needed.  Excellent!  I wanted to just cry.  Cry, scream, panic, cry that the sky is falling. Instead, I’m going to take a deep breath and wait for Zack to get back from Pennsylvania. I’ll tell him to handle it.  It’s his medical history. Then I’m going to bury my head in the sand and believe that everything will be ok. Hey, if they dock him a week of pay we’ve got bonus check money, right?  We’ll piss it all away on medical bills and making up for lost salary if necessary.

I have found that I don’t bend like I used to.  I don’t go with the flow like I used to.  I guess after 20 years of being the calm one, the one who fixed everything, I’ve got nothing left and everything sends me into worst case scenario mode. I’m trying to be better. Maybe it’s an age thing.

March 2015

So, yesterday I had a fairly good day.  I went to a gymnastics meet with my daughter and 2 of her teammates from HS and 2 other moms and a dad.  That’s a lot of ands. That was nice but what really sealed the deal for me was on the way home we were looking for a restaurant to eat dinner.  We pulled up restaurants in the city we were looking in and lo and behold, #### popped up.  I was so excited! We got to introduce all of our East Coast friends to #### and they all liked it.  Plus, I found out there is a ### in ####, which is where we are going for the meet next weekend.

CF, on the other hand, was not having a good day.  He was depressed again.  He did say he wanted me to get the pool.  So, I’m going to.  No use in depriving myself just to make a point. He says it will make him happy.

I have a hair appointment today.  I hope this guy does a decent job.  He was the one that was supposed to style Rock Star’s hair for Homecoming and B ended up taking over. I’m crossing my fingers that he’s just not good at up dos.

Another Check

I have had an outstanding weekend so far. Picasso and I met up with some friends from our former former state. E and I met because our sons were buddies. She’s from the Midwest and was back visiting family. We met up, had lunch, walked around a mall, let the boys hang out and chatted. At one point we decided to go for it and walked into the mall massage place to get one hour massages. It felt wonderful until the end when my guy decided he was going to get those knots out of my back come Hell or high water.  Lots of laughs were had and it was great catching up.

While I was there my mom called to let me know I received a check from CF. Hey- let’s give him points for actually being on time. But once again it was for his ridiculously low amount of $555.55. Can you believe this shit? So I let my lawyer know that I once again received insufficient child support.

I’ve debated sending him a text:

Hey CF! I know you’re the smartest man alive, so fucking smart you could be a member of Mensa, so I’m not sure why it is that you’re having such a hard time understanding that you owe me $3600/month. Or how it is that you think $3600 and $555.55 are the same amounts. They are not. You need to come up with another $3045.45. If you are having trouble meeting your financial obligation to your children and your WIFE then perhaps you should consider getting a second job. I’ve been working two jobs since December. I find it so fulfilling and I think you will, too. Sure, you won’t have as much time and energy for Harley and her hooligans but that’s okay. Your actual children and I are your primary obligation so hop to it, little bunny!

Perhaps the problem is, despite all your book smarts, you somehow think that $555.55 is actually GREATER than $3600. Again, that is not correct. It is far, far less than the $3600 you owe me. However, should you ever decide to pay me $3700 one month (or even $3655.55) I won’t complain because that IS more than $3600 and paying me ABOVE what you’re ordered is fine with me.

I’m sure you’ll disregard this just like you’ve disregarded every other thing that is unpleasant so I will just say this: See you in court soon! Have fun explaining to the judge why you don’t need to follow his court orders. Make sure you let him know you believe your first obligation is to Harley and her four kids and you give me and the kids everything that’s left over. I’m sure he’ll understand. Good luck!