I Don’t Look Good In Orange

The saga of the checks continues on. I got another one today. That makes it #8. Or, #6 if you subtract the two where Cousinfucker STOPPED PAYMENT on them.

So…. I had pretty much decided to take the next checks I got to his bank and cash them there. Only a funny thing happened. I noticed that this was not yet another envelope from his company. (Yes, he’s been using company envelopes to send his checks so I wouldn’t have his address even though they’re on the damn checks!) No, there was a new return address which was strange in and of itself because he has spent most of his time going out of his way to not let me know his address.

My mom ended up googling the address. Turns out Cousinfucker and the whore have moved into a beautiful 2800 sq. ft. brick home in a new city. It’s listed for $286,000 and has a rental price of $1800/month.

This is the same cousinfucker that is supposedly so broke he can’t pay his court ordered $3600/month. And yet he and the whore and her fucking hooligans can suddenly up and move into a new house. Must be nice to be a lying, cheating sack of shit with absolutely no conscience.

We all know, don’t we, that come the day of the divorce trial he’s going to be arguing that he can’t possibly be expected to pay any kind of spousal or child support. He’s got this new family to support! He’s got bills! He’s got a new house payment (although I’m fairly certain they are renting and not buying) and it’s even more than the rent on the old house. Hell, I’ll probably find out he’s bought new cars for all of them. Why not? It’s not like he has any actual bills to pay!

To add insult to this shit sundae I find out they have now opened up a new joint checking account. So now I won’t be able to verify that he has the funds or hasn’t stopped payment on the checks he has written.

The mobster has been a great source of comfort and sanity. “He’s just trying to push your buttons, cutie,” he tells me over and over. I tell myself, “You won’t look good in orange, Sam, and you can’t get your hair highlighted in prison.”

That Cousinfucking Sonofabitch!

Remember when I told you that CF has been sending me checks for $555.55 at random moments? He just sent his 7th one this past week.

I procrastinate; I admit it. Going through mail is not one of my favorite things but apparently when you’re married to a fucking fucktard you need to do that more often. It turns out I had not one, but two, of his checks returned and my account charged $10 each time. Oh, and get this. It wasn’t because there were insufficient funds in the account. No! They were returned because he stopped the fucking payment on them!

Is there any fucking justice in the world? I have tried so hard to be a grown up and to not do anything crazy but he is testing my patience. I haven’t bothered with calling the company that manages his 401k and reporting him because what does it gain? As people have pointed out the whore isn’t married to him so she can’t claim a damn thing if he dies before the divorce. I’ll tell you what it gains. It gives me a set of balls. It tells him and the whore both that you don’t mess around with Sam because she will fuck you over in a heartbeat if you mess with her.

I didn’t toss his ass out of the house after finding out about his whoring around. I didn’t toss his shit out onto the lawn. I didn’t vandalize his car or put up signs so everyone would know what a lying, cheating piece of shit he was. And what did it gain me? It gained me a reputation as a pussy. Oh don’t worry. Sam won’t do anything. She’ll always be reasonable. She’ll always be calm.

Fuck that! Maybe I need to go nuclear. Maybe they need to start thinking I am crazy. Holy shit! Don’t fuck with Sam. You don’t know what that crazy bitch will do next!

If I knew I would be vindicated in court I could keep my shit together a hell of a lot better. But I have no faith whatsoever that that will happen. He’ll just get to keep fucking me over. I hate him.

Shitty beginning to the weekend. Shitty ending.

Oh, The Day I Had

Have you ever had one of those days? Yeah, me, too. Friday.

First of all work was crazy. Our computers were down for a while so we had to do everything by hand. Then from probably 2:00 on it was nonstop customers, which normally would be good because the time passes quickly when you’re busy. But this wasn’t an ordinary day.

Late afternoon my manager is back with us and she asks me if I got her email. She tells me someone from home called and needed me to call home. She’s pretty sure it’s my mom and not my daughter. A few minutes later someone else comes back and tells me my mom is on the phone. Oh boy!  This can’t be good.

Turns out my dog broke through the screen door to get to her humans who were out in the garage carrying things out and clearing a path for new floor supplies. The garage door was open and she ended up running into our very busy street and getting hit.

She’s fine. No injuries whatsoever. But the people who hit her were concerned about internal injuries and urged my mom to take her to a vet to get checked out. This was why she was calling.

God love her; I’m sure it was traumatic for my mother. But when she called the second time and got through I got: I called you earlier and they said you were with a customer. It’s been eighteen minutes and I can’t believe you’re still with the same customer.

Eighteen minutes, folks! Eighteen minutes.

Um, actually, Mom, I’m with a customer now. It’s been extremely busy and I haven’t had a break between customers. It’s Friday and I work at a bank. It’s payday, y’all!

We discuss the dog and I tell her to go ahead and take her in to a vet’s office.

Next thing I know I have a co-worker coming back to where I am to tell me my mom is up front. Oh dear Jesus! What’s wrong? What’s happening? I don’t even remember why she stopped in. Something about the vet, I’m sure. I just remember her telling me she figured it would be quicker to stop in because she had called and they asked her if she could hold and when she said yes they put her on hold for four minutes! Four minutes!

Again, I’m sure this was traumatic for my mom and I’m very grateful she was willing to drive my dog in hopes of finding a vet to look at her.

I was supposed to meet up with my best friend for dinner to celebrate her birthday. Instead I’m speeding off to meet my mom and dog at the vet’s office. Turns out they couldn’t get her in. She was up and walking around, didn’t seem fazed at all about what had happened so we just decided to wait and see. Spoiler alert: She is fine.

I go meet my friend for dinner and about an hour and half into it I get a message that my son has clogged up the toilet again. Now, Picasso can be a charming boy but he is frequently constipated and ends up pooping what looks like porn star penises into the toilet. Do not ask me how I know this but these porn logs are also as hard as a rock.

A little while later I get another text: Forget the pill box. The toilet has overflowed and it’s running into the utility room.

Not long after that I’m told that the mess has spread into the downstairs bathroom and the ceiling is caving in.


So I hightail it home, get Picasso busy cleaning up more of the mess, throw towels into the washing machine and wipe down the bathroom floor by hand with bleach water.

That was my day from hell and the start of my weekend. How was yours?

I’m Taking It All Back

I wrote recently about not being held hostage by dates of significance any longer. I’ll go one step further. I refuse to lose one more thing due to him and his disgusting behavior. All those songs I said I couldn’t listen to? Over it! Places we went? Things we did? Rewind and reframe! As a commenter on Chump Lady wrote a few years ago:

…early on, when I was still so fragile and still navigating the divorce process and it’s aftermath, we had a standing half-joke: “Re-Write” when we would do something fun or take a trip in a place that had once been “special” for X and I and/or our kids. We realized that we were writing a new ending, writing a new story for those triggers.

That’s where I want to be. That’s what I plan on doing. In the very beginning when the wounds were fresh I wasn’t sure what to get rid of what, what to stop liking, It felt like anything that had even the slightest relevance to him had to be excised from my life. One of my favorite cities? Could I still like that city? Singers and movies that he had turned me onto? Do I continue to be a fan or do I ditch them?

I know it seems strange to think I even had to worry about any of this because he so seldom spent time with us. Many of my memories involve my kids and other members of my family, but not him. Time spent at Yellowstone? He wasn’t around. That vacation up in Idaho? Nope, he didn’t come along. Gymnastics meets? Most of them were attended by me and me alone. Most of our marriage involved separate memories so this should be easy enough, right?

I’ll admit- the songs were hard ones to take back. So many songs that reminded me of him. Songs that we danced to at our wedding or his sister’s wedding. I Swear. Amazed. I loved those songs before they became significant parts of my history; I will love them again. Just Give Me a Reason by Pink. All of Me by John Legend. Those were the songs of the summer of ’13 and ’14. The first was the song I clung to, hoping that our marriage could be restored after I found out about Harley. The second was the song I thought described us once we had “reconciled” and were “better than ever”! Now though, they’re just songs.

No, that’s not even accurate. The mobster sent me the lyrics to “All of Me” recently, not knowing the history behind the song for me. He said that it reminded him of me. What’s even crazier is that I was driving not that long ago when that song came on. It made me think of him. I could listen to that song and not think of the lying, cheating, victim morphing poopy head I had married, but instead could envision this new life with this new guy. A guy who appreciates me. Who thinks I’m wonderful. Who offers to call the doctor’s office for me when I’m frustrated. Who buys me polar bears.

Days after I found out my husband was once again cheating on me, when he would leave every weekend to go spend those days with the whore, I could do little but watch TV and play Candy Crush. My brain couldn’t anything more challenging than that. I was watching “Baby Daddy” and it was the episode where Brad proposes to Bonnie. He assembled a flash mob and they all sang that song to her. I remember having to fast forward through it because I could not handle listening to it. Now, however, that song- All of Me- has been reclaimed by me. No more switching the radio station. No more avoiding it on iTunes.

Need more examples of things I’m taking back? He was a huge Elvis fan. I’ve seen most of his movies, had “Love Me Tender” as our first dance at our wedding, and visited Graceland at least six times. Here’s the thing. I liked Elvis even before I met the shit eating chimp. I wasn’t as obsessed with him as CF was, but I liked him. So Elvis stays. I’m not going to banish everything Elvis because of CF.

While visiting Graceland the first time I fell in love with Memphis. I love their barbecue, their fried dill pickles, their zoo, their humidity, the music, and Beale Street. Memphis is mine. I might have only fallen in love with the city because he was around to take me but I was the one who actually suggested we visit Graceland since CF was such a huge fan. He wanted to go to Gatlinburg and going to Memphis as well never crossed his mind. I love that city and I created many fantastic memories there. He doesn’t get to steal that away from me.

I cheered for his favorite college basketball team for years. I knew I was in trouble if they didn’t win early on when he threw my foot off of his lap when they lost a buzzer beater game. My mom said they always said a prayer that his team would win. My kids, or at least Rock Star, still like the team. I don’t have any hard feelings against them. However, I think it’s more fun rooting against them because I know how much he hates it when they lose. That one might be a toss up. I did put a curse on them in the early days, declaring that they would never win another national title. We’ll see how that plays out.

Sadly, there aren’t many other things I need to reclaim. Trips we took together? I think I can probably count on one hand the number of trips we took together: our honeymoon, Memphis/Gatlinburg, Disneyland, Moab, and the Grand Canyon/Four Corners. Yes, those are memories I made with him. They’re still mine.

Our honeymoon was a cruise. I had a fantastic time and would love to go again. He’s not taking that from me. Our next vacation was to Memphis and Gatlinburg. I would also love to take my kids to Memphis and let them see Graceland. I’d love to take them to Gatlinburg. Both of my brothers have gone with their families and they love it. Just because I went there once, many moons ago with CF shouldn’t mean it’s ruined forever more. Nope!

He almost ruined Moab for us. He pricked his hand on a cactus and that was the end of that. He went into panic attack mode. Silent mode. Oh my God, the sky is falling mode. Back at the hotel he suddenly decided he was dehydrated. Then needed me to hold him and stay beside him in the bed at the hotel room. That was fun times for the kids, let me tell you. The next morning on our way to breakfast he was still acting like he just couldn’t bear to be out in public. I finally lost it. “We’re going home!” I declared. I promptly called up the tour guide company and canceled our rafting trip and our HUM-V tour. If he couldn’t even make it out to breakfast he wasn’t going to be able to do any of that with us and I sure as hell wasn’t paying over $100 per night to sit in a damn hotel room with him while the kids looked on miserably. He ended up begging me to reconsider. I remember him looking at me in the restaurant and asking pitifully, “Are you going to leave me?” I should have taken the bait and said, “Hell yes! This is no way to live!” but I didn’t. I told him I wasn’t but that he wasn’t allowed on anymore family vacations with us. He ended up remaining behind in the hotel room while my niece and my kids and I all went white water rafting and did the HUM-V tour.

You know what? We had a blast! We didn’t let him stop us or ruin our vacation. So that “family” trip? That’s my memory with my kids. He did eventually go to one of the parks with us but that was the extent of his involvement.

He was on his best behavior when we went to Disneyland and then the Grand Canyon and Four Corners. He was in a good mood. He was fun to be around. He seemed like he had a genuinely good time. I don’t think he ever really had a problem. He just… I don’t know. Wanted attention? Hated seeing us happy? Didn’t ever want to leave his bedroom and felt this was a great way to achieve that? Hell, maybe he figured if he acted like a big enough douche we wouldn’t want him to come with us and we’d stop asking. Who knows? I don’t care anymore!

I say this because it is obvious he is perfectly capable of going on vacation and doing things when he wants to do them. I’m sure he and the whore have gone on many an excursion together. I would bet some serious money that he didn’t play this bullshit game with her when he went. It’s amazing how quickly having an affair can cure you of everything that ails you.

For the longest time seeing pools made me sad. I had finally got mine and it was abruptly taken away just like that. I spent more time waiting for it to be constructed than I actually got to use it. The thought of having another one made me sick to my stomach for a long time. Now? Hell yes I want another pool. And this one won’t be dependent upon that dipshit. I’m not going to let what he did to us kill my dream of one day having another pool.

So that’s it. Things I did and enjoyed with him, I’m going to continue to enjoy. Things I liked I’m going to continue to like. Songs I once loved I’m going to love again. He’s taken enough away. No more, Satan! No more.

No Forgiveness Necessary

April 2015

OK, let’s try to get this sucker done.  I’m hearing so much about forgiveness and realizing that things can change in an instant.  Life is too short. Hating people is toxic to you. Something about holding a grudge or seeking revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Blah, blah, blah.

As I’ve said before my grudges are more like: I wouldn’t piss on that person if he/she were on fire.  I don’t think about it on a daily basis.  I don’t plot ways to get revenge or to hurt them or irritate them.  I just quietly go about my life without them in it and choose to pretend they no longer exist. For the most part.  I mean, even with Harley I don’t spend time trying to come up with ways to humiliate her or hurt her in some way. I just know that if her car was on fire with her in it I’d pull up a chair and roast marshmallows while she burned to death.  Not pleasant, and not something to be proud of, but it is what it is.

So, this person I really respect was talking about this.  Her birth mother just died and she was talking about how glad she had found her and had had her in her life.  She wrote, and I quote, “Are you at odds with someone you love?  My heartfelt advice:  Knock it off!  Has it been way too long since you’ve seen someone you love?  Get it on the calendar.  Soon.”

This got me thinking because, as I said, I really respect this person.  I think sometimes this is easier said than done. I think sometimes you have to look out for YOU and if you know this other person (or other people) aren’t good for you then you need to stay away.  Now, I don’t know how things will end up with my in-laws.  I know that when they’re around I love them and I have a good time.  I know my mother-in-law is in the hospital again and her COPD will kill her one day.  I’ve been telling Zack she’ll be fine and she’ll outlive everyone, but after talking to them when they came out a few weeks ago it may not be much longer.  I’m not talking about a year or two.  I’m thinking more like 5-10 years, but certainly not the 20 or so years I figured she had.  So this gets me wondering if maybe I should just knock it off.  They are who they are.  She didn’t know about the naked pictures, although I’m not sure that makes much of a difference. She should have known that something serious enough to make Zack think I was going to leave him went on between the two of them.

I’m not going to lie.  It’s difficult knowing they still talk to her, knowing Harley checks up on her.  I find it beyond creepy that she is still in my life. I find it unsettling knowing that I can be texting my mother-in-law at the same time the whore is texting her. I just find it weird that she isn’t banished from our lives completely; she still has an in, so to speak. I don’t want that bitch to know anything about me, my kids, or even my husband. And that’s impossible when everyone is still FB friends with her. Honestly, I’m not even sure how much they tell other family members so who knows how much gets back to her. I DON’T want her knowing anything about me or my family.  It’s none of her business and she lost that privilege when she started sending my husband naked pictures and offering to let him fuck her up the ass.

Now, realistically, I know she doesn’t come around. I probably shouldn’t say that because I really wasn’t aware the bitch whore even contacted my MIL so who knows?  If she asked her if she needed anything and Tammy Faye said yes it very could end up with Harley running to Tammy Faye’s town to show her devotion to her wannabe future MIL. But, let’s just pretend that realistically she doesn’t come around.  She’s like a fly that keeps buzzing by your head, annoying you but unable to do any damage. She probably won’t show up for holiday dinners or baby showers or weddings.  But then again, and I know this is the crazy talking, maybe she knows from Jezebel or someone else that I won’t be at events so she doesn’t bother coming.  If she knew I was planning on being there perhaps she would show up.

Seriously- how can it not a bug a person that her husband’s mistress is buddy buddy with his mother, his stepfather, his aunt, his cousin, and his sister?!?!  And those are just the people closest to him and/or that he sees regularly when he’s there. That’s not taking into account all of the other relatives that have no clue what the two of them were up to.  I mean, really?  One of the things that I always read about is no contact.  It is imperative that all contact stops between the two cheaters.  OK, he is no longer in contact with her.  What about everyone else in his family?  Does no contact still count when his whore can have an inside view of our family?  She fucking prayed for him when he went into the hospital.  YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY!  Not a friend of MY family! DON’T PRAY FOR HIM, BITCH!  YOUR PRAYERS ARE WORTHLESS TO ME! I just sit amazed, with my mouth wide open while I shake my head.  How can any of them justify staying in contact with her? Oh that’s right.  Because she’s FAMILY! I can’t possibly be the only person who finds it difficult to pretend the other woman doesn’t exist even when she’s gushing over everyone in my husband’s family. Yes, let’s just act like she’s no longer around.  I’ll do my thing and she can do hers, and when we end up running into each other with my kids around and I lose my mind and start screaming about what a worthless whore she is… well, won’t that just be a story to share? Or maybe the plan is for me to pretend like she doesn’t exist and my in-laws keep us separated from here on out. I just delude myself into thinking she’s gone and no longer a part of my life while the bitch just continues to compile information about me and my family. There is still so much to think about when it comes to this.

Present Day Sam Says: We all know how this ends. They didn’t end their relationship with the whore because they were all preparing to welcome her back with open arms when he finally dumped me. I do have to wonder what they’re going to do when this bad romance ends with their beloved Harley cheating on their even more beloved Zack?  Tough call, tough call!

Folks, if you’re going to give reconciliation a chance you make this a deal breaker! Your cheater has to have no contact with the AP. Their family needs to have no contact with the AP. If they do, then your cheater needs to stay the hell away from all of those who refuse to cut the snake’s head off. It’s just not possible to heal or move forward when that snake is still nearby. That person always has a front row seat to your life. Put a stop to it. Immediately. Or get ready for another D-Day.

Finally! Sam Has a Troll of Her Very Own!

It has finally happened, my faithful readers. I got myself my very own, genuine troll. I’m so excited! I’ve seen it happen to others. Rude comments. Crazy stalkers. But it has always passed me by. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been way too lovable up until now, or I’m not controversial enough or I don’t say, “Fuck!” often enough. But I have finally hit the sweet spot and captured my very own troll. It reminds me of those long ago days when the kids and I would build leprechaun traps before St. Patrick’s Day. Got one! I didn’t even need a pot of gold.

He commented on an old post, Missing the Affair Partner. He told me I “sound like a bitter woman with many cats.”

Hmmmm… had he bothered to read he would have known I’m more of a dog lover. And why is it always a bitter old woman surrounding herself with cats? Why not surround yourself with dogs? I had three of them at one point, for crying out loud! I even admitted I slept with them after CF left. But no! Troll Boy wants to saddle me with cats. Not that there’s anything wrong with cats. I like cats. I’m just more of a dog person.

You know what I think it is? Cats are generally more aloof. They look at you as if to say, “WTF are you looking at? Get out of my way, you peasant!” Cats don’t give a fuck. Dogs, on the other hand… well, they just love you. They’re so happy. “OMG! You’re home! You’re home! I’ve missed you sooooooo much! You are the best person in the entire world! I love you!” Cats, at the heart of it, are bitter! And they don’t take any shit, which we all know cheaters hate! That is why we bitter, cheated on people must surround ourselves with cats. Like attracts like. We can’t contaminate the friendly dogs that forgive everybody for everything with our bitterness and drag them down.

Of course I had to reread the post just to see what I was going on so bitterly about. Turns out it wasn’t that bad. I basically said if you miss your affair partner so damn much then go run off and be with him or her. See that? I’m encouraging true love! How can that be bitter?

Oh, that’s right! Cheaters are all about having their cake and eating it, too. Or as my mom’s friend used to say, “He wants his cake and his ice cream, too!” Yes, it’s no fun for the cheaters when the spouse is no longer around to do their part. It’s a very important part. It’s the day to day running of the cheater’s life, picking up all the pieces, making sure everything runs smoothly. How dare you tell me to leave my spouse and go be with my fuck buddy? You, madame, are a bitter, ugly, horrid person who obviously has more cats than you know what to do with!

I did paint a fairly unflattering picture of life with the fuck buddy after they got their “happily ever after”. Let’s face it. They all want to believe they’re the exception. They all want to believe that the romance that goes on during the illicit affair will continue once real life intrudes. The 23 year old with the hot body and no other distractions will never age, never get fat, never have a baby that demands her attention and takes some of it away from you. The man with all the money and all the shiny fun things you want will never say no, will never have to go work to actually earn that living, will never cheat on you. Nope, life will remain perfect because fuck buddies are true soul mates. Just ask them. But please, don’t actually look at any statistics or real life cases. We wouldn’t want to burden cheaters with the truth. They hate the truth!

I could have just sent Troll Boy to spam but I figured he has a right to his opinion. It’s wrong, of course. But he’s entitled to be wrong. Oh, don’t worry. I also told him he sounded like a lying cheater and finished it up with a very cat-like, “Fuck off.”

The Past, Present and Future

The four year anti-versary of finding out that CF was still fucking around with Harley after a summer of degrading myself to win him back was just the other day. Four long years. I should have showed him to the curb that very day. Instead I forgave him and tried to work through it. I moved 2000 miles across the country. I uprooted my kids lives to make him happy. And in the end none of it mattered because he started fucking around with the whore again. This time he left me. He left all of us.

You know what’s funny about it though? I don’t care. Just like the 2 year anniversary of my final D-Day didn’t affect me this year, the four year anniversary didn’t affect me either. It is what it is. I’m hoping that next year I won’t notice the dates at all. That’s not really likely though. I have a great memory. I can, however, let it roll off my back like water off a duck’s back.

My kids started back to school. Picasso began his freshman year of high school and Rock Star began her senior year. Wow!

Sixteen years ago we had moved to a new home in a new state. Rock Star was almost a year old. I saw signs for graduation open houses all over the neighborhood. I remember lamenting to CF, “That’s going to be Rock Star one day!” He told me that she wasn’t even one yet; we still had plenty of time.

Guess what? Time’s up. I’ve got 9 more months with her. She wants to go to college back west so I really will be losing her. 9 more months with this beautiful, funny, sweet, amazing girl of mine. Her dad is missing it all. He lost her 2 years ago. This spring those signs are going to be for her. We’ve got senior pictures scheduled. She’s taking the SAT again next weekend. I’m going to do my best to enjoy this time with her.

And…. CF sent me yet another check for his ridiculous $555.55. I emailed my lawyer the other day to let her know I was up to 5 checks. Now I’m up to 6. I asked her if there was any news about the show-cause hearing. I’m just waiting to hear that there is no point in having a separate hearing because it won’t happen until right before our divorce hearing.

On one hand it would save me money to not have to make yet another trip out there and to pay my lawyer for her time. On the other hand he is once again getting away with financial rape.

His lifestyle hasn’t changed at all while ours has changed tremendously. I’ve done the math. He brings home over $6000 a month. I’ve seen the bank records. She brings home $5000 a month. And she receives child support from her cheated on ex. I would imagine she probably receives around $1000/month for 4 kids. If he keeps sending me a check every week then he’s paying me $2200 a month. They live on approximately $10,000 a month. My kids and I live on less than $3500. That seems fair, don’t you think?

So, the options become take him back to court and spend money I don’t really have to try to make him pay when the judge seems reluctant to put him in jail and CF doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck about court orders. Or continue to let him flit about, living his same old lifestyle, blowing money on that fucking whore and kids that aren’t his, and letting him get away with not paying me.

I’ll admit it galls me. I hate that he’s suffering no consequences. His life is going on almost exactly as before. He’s got his new and improved wife and his new and improved (and expanded number of) kids. He’s got no bills except car insurance and a cell phone. She was perfectly able to pay all the household bills on her own before he came along. Which means the two fuckwits are living with an extra five grand each month to just spend on whatever.

Meanwhile, I’m working full-time for $11/hour. I bring home approximately $1400/month. I can’t take my kids to their doctor’s appointments. I missed Picasso’s middle school graduation. I still don’t have much time to get shit done because most of it needs to be done during the day and I’m at work. I can’t volunteer at their school.  All so I can go to work for basically slave wages. It sure as hell isn’t providing a nice lifestyle for us, and if I didn’t live with my mom I’d be living in a homeless shelter because it definitely isn’t enough to pay all my bills and pay rent and utilities.

I suppose that’s yet another rope I’ll have to learn to drop. He lives high on the hog and my kids and I live in poverty until I can finally find something that pays better.

I know it’s not very “meh” of me. The mobster likes to point out to me that I’m still tied very tightly to CF because of the money situation. Believe me I’d love to make enough that I could tell him to go shove it up his ass. But I don’t, and until the divorce is finalized I can’t seem to get a garnishment so he’s free to keep playing with me.

Anyway, on to the future and better things ahead, right?

My Letter to Tammy Faye

Note:  This is a letter I wrote to Tammy Faye but never sent.  In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t because they had probably already started messing around again.

April 2015

Dear Tammy Faye,

You said you maintain contact with my husband’s whore because she’s family.  You also tried to reassure me that you didn’t think they had ever met up in person and actually had sex.  As I said to you, some days I wish they had simply met up and fucked each other’s brains out and that was the end of it.  It would hurt.  It would be disgusting.  But it would have been simply about sex, and nothing more.  Unfortunately, what I have to deal with is their emotional affair and those types of affairs can be even more dangerous.  This is how one website put it:  Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating; however, the intimate nature of the communication, plus the emotional investment made by the people involved, places an emotional affair on the same level or worse as traditional cheating.

It is much more dangerous for a marriage should your spouse connect with someone emotionally than physically. Anyone who finds himself or herself drawn to another person on an emotional level should consider the possible consequences of such an affair. Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce and physical affairs.

I have heard it said that an emotional affair is just an affair that has yet to become physical.  I am sure that if they hadn’t been caught it would have only been a matter of time before they found a way to meet up and take it to the next level.  I have no doubt that if they hadn’t been caught that he would have continued flying out to see you every 2-3 months and eventually they would have met up and began a physical affair as well.

Even without sex there was a lot that went on between the two of them.  I don’t even know the full extent of it because he deleted all of his texts and FB messages between the two of them as soon as I found out. From talking to him this is what I do know:  I know they told each other they loved one another.  I know they talked about a future together.  I know she asked if he thought my kids would get along with her kids. I know she asked him if my kids would like her. I know when Zack was going to get his tattoo and he was going to bring her along that she was going to get a tattoo of a sparrow on her foot to represent their true love.  I know they talked all the way to work every single day.  I know he texted her on the weekends when he went to the coffee shop by himself.  I know they talked an awful lot about sex and did a lot of sexting.  I know that she cried when he ended it, and when I asked him if she really thought he would leave me for her he told me that yes, he really thought she did.  I also know that The Saint found out they were messing around again and when Zack asked what she was going to do about it she told him that she wasn’t going to do anything because she didn’t care if her husband knew or not.

You seemed shocked when I mentioned Harley sending naked pictures to Zack all summer long so I’m not sure how much Zack went into detail when he confessed to you what he had done.  My guess would be that he tried to make it seem as innocent as possible, maybe like it was just the two of them texting completely innocent stuff back and forth and maybe enjoying one another’s company too much.  But that’s not what happened.  If you’re going to continue to interact with her “because she’s family” then I think it’s only fair that I get to tell you everything that happened between them, at least as far as I can get out of Zack.  He hasn’t exactly been forthcoming on the details and his story changes quite often.  But so far, this is what I have.  And again, all of this (or at least most of it) is according to Zack.

In May of 2013, the day before Mother’s Day, he was sitting in the bathtub looking like he was having an anxiety attack.  I asked him if he was ok and he said he wasn’t.  I asked him what was wrong and he told me he couldn’t tell me because I would hate him, so I told him to tell me what he had done.  At that point he “confessed” that he had been texting other women.  He didn’t say what they were texting to one another.  Again, no details.  But I did ask him who they were, to which he replied, “I don’t really know two of them; I know them from online.  I only know one of them.”  So I asked who the one was that he did know and that’s when he told me it was Harley.  “Harley Buttwipe?  Your cousin?” I asked him.  He said yes.  I was absolutely shell shocked and had no idea what to say or do.  I remember crying and him asking what he could do, promising he would end all contact.  I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he assured me that he didn’t.

At that point I had no idea what they were texting about.  I had my suspicions, but also knowing Zack it could have been something as simple as him confiding in her about his marriage and him feeling guilty.  And believe me, there were many times I tried to convince myself of that.  I had no idea who the other women were but I suspected they were people that played Words With Friends or Pop Song with him.

Turns out I was wrong.  I wouldn’t find out until October that there were no “women”.  It was one woman.  Harley.  The other two he mentioned were simply women who had posted to an internet forum.  They posted innocent questions about their problems and he, along with many other people, had replied to them.  But in order to make the situation with Harley sound less ominous he decided it would be better to make it sound like she was one of many women he was texting. I was wrong about this. He let me believe there had been no one else but Harley; however, I ended up finding one of his other sluts- Anne. There had been multiple women he was sexting. Also turns out that only a few days prior to confessing what he had been doing he was messaging his nephew on Facebook to see if he could bring a guest with him when he got his tattoo.  He was telling him he was going to marry her.  I know this for a fact because I copied and saved his messages to him.  He told him he couldn’t say much because he had to protect the young and innocent but that one day he (his nephew) would be related to her, this mystery guest. And finally, I would later find out that the only reason he “confessed” was because The Saint and Harley had gotten into a fight.  I’m assuming because he had found the text messages between the two of them.  The Saint sent me a FB message to tell me they were having an affair and told Harley about it when they fought.  Harley then turned around and told Zack what The Saint had done.  Zack got onto my computer and deleted the message from my email and my FB and then blocked The Saint so he couldn’t contact me, and then supposedly broke things off with her for a short time.

Backing things up a bit, he told me later in August when The Saint clued me in to the fact that Zack had been lying to me and cheating on me all summer long, that it had started in late April/early May.  He says that when she posted her profile picture, the one where he told her she looked fantastic, that they weren’t messing around then but that it was the beginning of it.  He says that he asked her how her life was and she told him it wasn’t that rosy.  When he inquired why she told him her marriage wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be, that her husband had put her into bankruptcy several times.  He commiserated with her and shared his own unhappiness.  At some point she told him that she could envision a future with him.  Apparently, the fact that her knight in shining armor was married with two kids wasn’t a deterrent. He “confessed” to me on May 11th and had already been telling his nephew he was going to marry her by the 9th. Not only did I learn from those messages between the two of them (the nephew and Zack) that she was going to go with him to get his tattoo and she was going to get one as well, I got to see the picture of the tattoo she wanted.  As I said earlier, she wanted a sparrow on her foot to represent the true love that the two of them had found with one another.  No more than 2 weeks and she was planning on tattooing a permanent symbol of her love and devotion to him on her body.  That’s not something I would call nothing.

He would later admit in August that he had broken things off for about 2 weeks and then he reached out to her again, telling her he missed her.  And according to him she told him that she missed him, too, and she thought she would never hear from him again.

I was completely clueless.  I didn’t want to dwell on what had happened and I didn’t want to make it out to be a bigger deal than it was.  At that time I wasn’t even completely sure of what had happened.  I didn’t know if they had been sexting, if they were simply talking, if he was feeling guilty because he enjoyed talking to her or had been confiding in her about his marriage.  I had no clue. I certainly didn’t think she was sending him naked pictures or that he was in love with her, or that they had been talking about getting married.  Things seemed to get a little better, but then, of course, once he started up with her again they began to deteriorate.

Zack was going to go to Jezebel’s wedding by himself and I noticed that Harley would like things on his wall.  She was always posting inspirational quotes on her page.  Jezebel had posted a picture of Zack in his East Dull uniform and thanked him for his service over Memorial Day weekend and was bragging about how wonderful he was and Harley had liked that which I thought was very strange.  I couldn’t figure out why she would be liking anything having to do with my husband after he had dumped her.  Stupid me.  It turns out it was because they were once again madly in love and back together.

I remember him telling me shortly after he confessed to texting her in May that he wanted the Whoreville plant.  He said he could visit you more often.  I remember telling him that he could always stay in our former state and fly out to see you every few months but to stay away from Harley.  He never said a word.  As the day he was to fly out came closer I felt more and more anxious.  There was a knot in my stomach and I wondered if she was going to be at the wedding, if they would be there together. I kept envisioning the two them using the wedding as their debut as a couple, only no one would know the truth except Jezebel and Husband #3. Everyone else would just think it was two cousins catching up.  No one would question them dancing together, eating together, laughing together, even going off someplace together.  I told him I would miss him and to be good and he just kinda blew me off. He didn’t keep in close contact while he was gone; I got maybe one text a day. He texted Harley just as much, if not more, than me, and while I have no proof of this, I’m sure he sent her the same pictures of the wedding that he sent to me.  Afterall, she was supposed to be the one there with him.  I barely ate the entire time he was gone.  I had no appetite.  I cleaned the house and made sure everything was perfect when he came home.  And then I printed off copies of her profile picture from FB (the one where he thought she looked “fantastic”) and hung them in different parts of the house.

He came home and the very next day she blocked me on FB.  I definitely thought something was up at that point.  Realistically, the only way she would have known I was even looking on her FB page was if Zack told her.  And when I went to try to block her I found her husband’s name in my list of blocked contacts, which I also found to be strange.  Now, obviously I should have figured it out at that point but my mind was making up all kinds of scenarios in which they were no longer fooling around.  Maybe they had still been in contact but when he came home and saw the pictures he called it off and she got mad and blocked me.  Maybe he had called it off when he was there.  Maybe she was mad because he didn’t get together with her when he was back home for the wedding.  I tried to tell myself anything but the truth.  But here’s what I believe to be the truth now.  I think she was tired of waiting for Zack to leave me.  He was telling her he loved her and wanted to be with her, that they had a future together and our marriage was dead. But, according to him, he had also told her he would never leave his kids.  When he told her I had put her pictures up in the house I think she figured that was her chance to tell me about the two of them without actually telling me.  She knew that if she blocked me it was as good as waving a banner with the words:  I’m still screwing around with your husband, in front of my face.  I honestly believe she expected me to confront him and that either I would throw him out, or I would demand he choose between the two of us and she thought he would choose to leave me and go be with her, his true love, his soul mate. He may have told her that he would never leave his kids but I wouldn’t be surprised if she figured that if I left him it wouldn’t matter whether or not he was willing to leave his kids.  His kids would already be as good as gone if I left him and then he would have no reason to not be with her.

I told my friend J what had happened and she told me that it wasn’t good and urged me to set up my own bank account and transfer money into it.  Instead, I made an appointment with a marriage counselor.  It took me a week to work up my courage to tell him and once I did he refused to go, as I predicted.  We had a huge fight that night.  I confronted him and asked him why she had blocked me.  He played dumb and said that was between the two of us and he had no idea.  When asked if he was in contact with her he lied and said no.  When I asked if she had been at the wedding he said no.  When I asked if they had made plans to meet up he lied and said no.  I asked him what all they had talked about when they had texted and he refused to tell me, saying he didn’t want to get into that. I don’t remember everything that was said but I do remember going into the house, crying.  Later I talked to him in our room and told him I thought we could happier than before.  He told me it had been too long and it would just be weird to be happy with me now.  I remember telling him that he had told me he loved me and said he had always loved me only six weeks earlier, and then asked if he still loved me and that’s when he told me he didn’t know.  He told me he cared about me and that I was a good mother but he didn’t know if he loved me.  He also told me that he wanted things to go back to the way things had been, with me doing my thing and him doing his.  Well, I know I was pretty involved with PTA, Bunko, and the kids, but the only thing I can think he was involved with was Harley, so apparently I was going to keep doing PTA and Bunko and he was going to keep doing Harley.  And if I couldn’t do that then he didn’t know what he was going to do, tacitly threatening me with divorce.  I told him I wasn’t giving up on us and he just kinda shrugged.

I think it’s apparent why I believe Harley blocked me in hopes of egging on a confrontation.  I sincerely believe if I had confronted him and accused him of being involved with her and then made him choose, he would have chosen her at that point in time.

Interestingly enough, he would later tell me that that was the day he knew he still loved me.  He said it made him realize that I cared.  Interesting still because I have asked him if the problem was I didn’t get hysterical enough in May when he first confessed to being involved with Harley and he always says no.  Editor’s Note:  No, he was finally getting his fucking Ego Kibbles!

It also turns out that the weekend I was taking Rock Star to Regionals for gymnastics and he was telling me he loved me and always had (only six weeks prior to our confrontation), he was busy sexting with Harley.  Telling me he loved me and then turning around and telling her all he wanted to do to her. I also realized that during Teacher Appreciation Week when he was gushing over all that I do and how incredible I was he was involved with her.

So, after our ugly confrontation where my husband tells me he doesn’t know if he still loves me or not I set out to win him over and show him that our relationship can be better than ever.  I was incredibly stupid and did not realize he was still screwing around with his whore. I spent the entire summer in a hot garage listening to rap music with him.  We would fool around or even have sex and then he’d turn around a few hours later, walk out our front door, text Harley good morning and then he would call her and they would talk all the way to work. Every day he would tell her he loved her.  He never once said those words to me.  I went 3 1/2 months without ever hearing him tell me he loved me because he was too busy telling her that he loved her.

Despite the fact that he refused to say the words, and I wouldn’t say it because I didn’t want to pressure him, things did seem to be improving.  When he flew home in July while he was out east for a business trip I didn’t feel anxious.  When Jezebel posted that picture of her and Zack together I waited to see if Harley would like it.  When she never did I figured that she was finally out of our lives.  Oh, how stupid and naive I was.

Then came August 14th, the day of Rock Star’s birthday party and the day I read the message from The Saint, asking me if I had a good lawyer yet.

I called Zack on my way home from the store and told him I had received a message from Harley’s husband.  He asked me what he had said and I told him.  Then I asked him why I was receiving messages from him.  That’s when he finally admitted that they were still “talking”. I asked him why he would do such a thing when he knew how I felt.  His answer was that they really really liked each other and they had a lot in common.  I told him she was just a fantasy and asked if she was worth losing his wife and kids over to which he replied he knew he didn’t want to lose his kids.  I asked him what they talked about and he asked me what I thought they talked about, to which I replied, “I think you talk about sex, and how much you love each other, and how much you want to be together.”  When he didn’t say anything I asked him if he wanted to tell me that I was wrong, and he told me I wasn’t wrong.  So right there he’s admitting they love each other and they’re planning a life together.  At that point the fact that they talk about all the sexual things they want to do to one another doesn’t really matter.  And it was pretty much at that point that I figured he was going to leave me for her.  I remember him telling me that I had known he hadn’t been happy in years and me replying that that wasn’t all my fault- I had begged him to go to counseling. I had begged him to do stuff with us. I had even suggested we start doing a date night since the kids were older and could stay at home by themselves for a while.  I also asked him if he thought having an affair was going to make things better for us. At one point I pointed out to him that he was going to have four step kids and asked him if he was ready for that and if he was willing to give up being a full time father to his own kids to raise hers.  Reminded him that those kids might not welcome him with open arms since he was responsible for breaking up their parents’ marriage. I told him several times to end it with her, to send her a text ending it and to show me that he had sent it.  He kept saying he didn’t know what I wanted him to do.  Finally I said, “I’ve told you 3 times.  End it!  Send her a text message ending it and then show it to me.  That’s what I want!”  I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t know (so much for knowing he was in love with me since June!) Finally, towards the end I told him that he wasn’t the only one that deserved to be happy.  I deserved to be happy, too, and I deserved more than being with someone who was just killing time with me until he could divorce me once Picasso was out of high school or college.  So either send her the text message and show it to me as proof, or I’m done.  I can’t keep going like this.

I hung up the phone and called J.  She asked me if I thought he would do it (send the text and end the relationship).  I told her no, I didn’t.  I honestly thought I was headed towards divorce.  She told me that I needed to call my mom at this point and I needed to let her know what was going on.  As I told you back at the house I tried two or three times to get ahold of her but I never did.  I’m assuming it’s because she was busy making funeral arrangements for my stepdad.  An hour or so later he texted me that he didn’t want to lose any of us and then eventually he texted and said he would send her a text message ending it.

According to him he called her as soon as he got off the phone with me and told her The Saint had contacted me.  She asked him what they were going to do.  He told her he couldn’t do this anymore and that’s when she began to cry.  He waited a few seconds and then told her he could never leave me, said goodbye and hung up the phone.  She later sent him a text message telling him that they could not be.  It wasn’t right to break up two families.  She was dying because she had hurt her children so much and had hurt the man who had stood by her through thick and thin and kept the vows that she couldn’t.  She told him she was deactivating her FB account and begged him to never phone, text, or email her again.  She told him, “Let’s just walk away. Go home and repair the damage.  Make it work.”  That was the text message he sent me to prove that they had ended it, or more specifically, that he ended it.  His message to her was along the lines of:  At first I was mad at The Saint but what he said is true and what you say is true, too.  I’m going to go home and try to repair the damage and try to be the man I’m supposed to be, the father I’m supposed to be, the husband I’m supposed to be.  Don’t call or contact me either.  And this was also the text exchange I had asked him about and wondered why, if he had already ended it, she felt the need to send him that sort of text.  She didn’t need to tell him they couldn’t be if he had already ended it.  She didn’t need to tell him to leave her alone, practically begging him to not contact her, if he had already made it clear that it was over and he was done with her.  But he insists he had indeed ended it and he said he believed she sent this to save face, or to make it more real to herself.  When questioned why he played along with it instead of reminding her that he had already chosen his wife he said it was because he felt bad for hurting her.  Yes, the whore of 3 1/2 months who got involved with him knowing full well he was married with kids was owed more compassion than the wife of 18 1/2 years.  Instead of concentrating on the fact that he lied and humiliated me all summer long he was concentrating on the fact that she was hurting, supposedly because he had ended things with the woman who was not his wife.

There were many questions I had while I was back home with my family and I asked most of them, I believe.  But it’s hard to get a clear answer.  Or, was.  We don’t ever talk about it now.  He would say on one hand that they had talked about a future together and he thought she really believed he would leave me for her, and then on the other hand, when asked when he was planning on leaving me he would tell me he never planned on it.  I don’t know if he was going to have me killed or he was hoping I’d die of a heart attack or something, but when pressed he will swear he never had any plans to divorce me.  Then again, I’ve asked him if they talked on the phone much and he had said no.  Then he says they talked on the phone all the way to work every day.  Oh, well, I mean in comparison to how much we texted we didn’t talk on the phone a lot, he would explain.  Did you have plans to meet up with her any of the times you went home?  No.  Oh, except for the time she was going to go with me when I got my tattoo and she was going to tattoo a sparrow on her foot to symbolize our true love.  Except for that time.  She worked all the time.  It was hard to get away.  He’ll tell me their plan was for him to move everyone closer together and then he turns around and says he didn’t want the Whoreville plant for her; he wanted it for him.  The fact that he started planting seeds to be sent to Whoreville only a week or so after he started screwing around with Harley is just an odd coincidence. Were you two declaring your love for one another by the time you went to Jezebel’s wedding.  No.  Oops, looks like he was already talking about marrying her in early May.

I didn’t find out about the messages between him and his nephew until October 23rd.  And as I told him, I couldn’t figure out why that threw me for such a loop when I knew they had talked about a future together, knew they had told each other they loved one another.  But I finally realized it was because he had spent so much time making me think it was nothing, no big deal, or that it was something small that just snowballed into something bigger, a gradual deepening of feelings. In fact, he had told me once when I asked when they first said they loved one another that he couldn’t remember because it didn’t happen all at once; it was a gradual thing. The reality, the TRUTH, was it was extremely serious from the first moment they decided to fool around.  It was never a situation where they talked dirty to one another and thought of it as nothing more than a little harmless flirting, or attention from someone other than their spouse who wasn’t giving them what they wanted or needed.  No, pretty much from the moment he told her she looked fantastic and she admitted to him that her marriage wasn’t doing so well they were setting a course that would end with them dumping their spouses and being together.  When asked who started it Zack has said it was him, that he’s the one that told her she looked fantastic and it took off from there.  But I have no idea who made the first move to make things sexual. I do know that she was the one who first said she could envision a future with him.  I don’t know if they talked about it (sexting) first or if one of them just shot off a naughty message to the other one and it went from there. In fairness, I also know that he was the one that asked her for pictures and she obliged.  What I also know is that there was never a moment where it was simply “fun” or a distraction.  It was always about them being soul mates, about them being in love, about them having a future together.  She was asking him how our kids would get along, for crying out loud!  Asking him if my kids would like her! That’s not a person who is thinking this is some harmless fling.  This is a person who has decided her life is with this other man, a man already married to someone else.

So perhaps you understand better now why it’s so difficult to watch as you and everyone else interacts with her as though she’s done nothing wrong.  She almost destroyed my marriage. I say she almost destroyed my marriage and not that the two of them did it together because I firmly believe that the gloves came off when she blocked me; I will always believe she took that step to coerce a confrontation between me and Zack because she thought either I’d toss him to the curb once I found out about them or he’d leave if pressured by me to make a choice. I also don’t think it was an accident that her husband found her phone TWICE.  One time I could chalk up to being careless.  But the second time?  You’ve either got to be stupid or want to get caught, and despite my dislike for her I don’t believe she’s stupid. I think that once again she was planning on having other people do her dirty work for her. If Zack wasn’t willing to leave his kids for her then maybe she could get me to leave him, thereby taking his kids, and his excuse for not being with her, away. Zack doesn’t think she knew The Saint had contacted me again but I’m not so sure.  I definitely don’t think she would have told Zack if she had found out.  The last time she did that it ended with him breaking it off, and Zack said the reason The Saint contacted me was because he wanted it to stop and Harley refused to end things with Zack. I guess he figured if I knew about it then maybe I could make it stop. I just look at what she said when Zack told her I knew:  What are we going to do? Not, what are you going to do, Zack?  It was what are WE going to do now?  Remember, her husband already knew and she had made it clear to Zack, and probably to The Saint as well, that she didn’t care if he knew.  She had no intentions of stopping. Her future, as far as she was concerned, was with my husband.  Now that I knew, her question wasn’t what Zack was going to do but what were the two of them together going to do. My guess is she was waiting for him to tell her he was going to file for divorce immediately so they could be together.  She was probably thinking they needed to figure out the logistics of who would move where.  Would she move to our state, or would he move back to his home state? I believe that if Zack had left me she would absolutely have left her husband and jumped in to take my place; I think that was her plan all along.  They may never have met up and had sex, or so Zack would like me to believe, but it was always a very serious relationship.  It was not two lonely people who were seeking comfort with each other.  It was two people who were absolutely convinced they were soul mates and meant to be.  He told Jezebel that Harley made him happy.  And her husband, from the very beginning, was treating this not like some random affair but an affair where they were planning on leaving their spouses to be with each other.  Both times he contacted me it wasn’t to tell me, “Hey, they’re fooling around!”  It was always, “Get a lawyer.” I asked Zack once why The Saint thought I’d need a lawyer and he said he didn’t know, but I think it’s because The Saint actually saw the text messages and saw how serious it was between the two of them.

It is difficult for me to completely put it out of my mind and concentrate on our future together because she’s always there.  He chose the one person that would never go away and that I would have to deal with for the rest of my life.  I can’t completely concentrate on the future because I don’t feel like I have all the answers about the past.  I’m always waiting for someone to call me up or email me and tell me things I don’t know.  Waiting for someone who does know what all went on to slip up and say something he or she shouldn’t, and then once again, I’ll go through all of this again.  It makes me nauseous to see my daughter’s name right beside hers when they both like something you or Pastor Fake have posted on Facebook.  Back in the summer, before I knew how serious things were and when I was still so stupid I didn’t realize they were still carrying on, it would make me want to vomit when I saw both of our names beside something you or Pastor Fake had posted.  It was like, “Oh look, Zack’s whore and his wife both like the same thing.  Isn’t that cute?”  And that was before I knew they were still in contact and telling each other they loved one another!  It is difficult every time I see her commenting on your FB page, telling you and/or Pastor Fake how much she loves you and that you are two of her favorite people in the world. It’s difficult watching as everyone fawns all over her, telling her how pretty she is, especially when they also know she was fooling around with Zack all summer. And it was downright enraging to see her agree to pray for my husband while he was in the hospital. We don’t need her prayers and she needs to stay the hell away from my husband. She has a window into my life every day. Every time you mention something about Zack or my kids she is aware of it and what’s going on.  According to Zack she never told either of her sisters about the two of them, so any time you share family news with them I’m sure they’ll mention it to her in passing, never having a clue that they were an item not long ago.  It is difficult because I never know where she might turn up.  I didn’t go to Zack’s niece’s baby shower because I figured Harley had been invited and I didn’t want to chance running into her. I never know if she will turn up at a graduation, a birthday party, a holiday dinner. Quite honestly, there have been many times I figured everyone would just as soon Zack left me for her because everyone preferred her.  I figured everyone was cheering for her and letting her know how sorry they were that Zack had dumped her and gotten back together with me.  I have stayed away out of self preservation.

And I’ll admit one other thing to you.  It’s not just that every time she would post a new picture that either you or Pastor Fake or both of you would either like it or tell her how amazing she looked that upsets me.  It’s the fact that neither of you did that for me.  I may not have changed profile pictures every other week like she did when she was carrying on with my husband, but I did post pictures.  Some of me.  Some of me with the kids. Shoot, I posted a picture of my new haircut, which not only was a huge change for me, but was also the first new profile picture I’d posted in probably 2 years.  I got nothing.  Once, Pastor Fake asked if we had been in a mud bath.  And another time you told me that my hairstyle looked flattering on me.  Honestly?  That felt like one step up from, “Wow- you don’t look nearly as hideous as you usually do!”  That was probably not the way you meant it, but that’s the way it felt in light of all the “Beautiful!” “Gorgeous!”  “You’re so pretty!” comments that my husband’s mistress received from you.  I get asked if I’ve been in a mud bath and Harley is told how incredibly beautiful she is. Over and over again.  I figured after you had told her that in September that you were probably hoping Zack would dump me, his ugly, fat, hideous wife and marry Harley, the beautiful, thinner mistress.  Why would he want me?  And there came a time shortly after that where I took every single picture of myself down off of Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to look at me.  I felt ugly and inferior.

I’m getting off topic here.  My main purpose in writing this was to tell you what went on between the two of them.  You appeared very shocked to hear that it was anything other than some innocent (or maybe not so innocent) texting.  I don’t have complete knowledge of everything that went on but I do know enough to know it wasn’t innocent and it wasn’t just texting.

I want you to know that I do love you.  I’ve always loved you, pretty much from the moment you asked to talk to me on the phone that first time. And I would love for our relationship to go back to the way it was before, but I’m not sure how that’s possible.  I have been struggling with accepting the fact that everyone loves her and thinks she’s fantastic despite what she and Zack did, for almost 2 years now. Unfortunately, I don’t care how wonderful she might be.  I don’t care if she donates half of her salary to the poor, if she reads to illiterate children, saves the whales, and recycles. She will never be anything more to me than the person who sent my husband naked pictures all summer long, who told him she loved him and could envision a future with him, and who talked about all the things she’d like to do to him and all the things she’d like him to do to her.

Two Years Later

Normally I would do a Blast From the Past for Throwback Thursday, but this Thursday, August 10th, marks the two year anniversary of finding out my husband was a lying, cheating, cousin fucking, marital asset stealing dirtbag. I figured maybe I should write about that today.  You know why? Because I no longer care.

I bought a cake today to celebrate my freedom from that shit eating chimp. I took it into work and shared it with my co-workers who know my story. This time last year I was unhappy and fearful. I had lost my house; I had lost almost everything I had ever owned. I had moved out of state and back in with my mom. My kids were having to transition to new schools and I was having to look for a job and apply for Medicaid.  This time two years ago I was stressed, wondering what the hell was going on with my husband until the moment I received the message from Harley’s husband, letting me know that CF had been spending his weekends in Whoreville with the whore. The bottom dropped out of my world and I began making my way along this long and winding path. Today I ate cake. I celebrated the fact that I was free of him. I no longer have to listen to his sob stories. I no longer have to pretend I care about his every little problem. I won’t ever actually thank that cousin fucking sorry excuse for a human being, but I am thankful he cheated because I never would have left. And had I never left I probably never would have started this blog; I definitely never would have met the mobster.

I refuse to be held hostage to this date, year after year. Yeah, he cheated. He interrupted our lives. Hell, he entirely changed the course of them. But we are all still standing. He didn’t win. He lost, in fact. He lost his kids and took on four kids that already have a devoted dad, ones who talk shit about him behind his back. He lost a faithful, devoted wife and got a cheater instead. I’m doing my best to make sure he loses a lot of his money and that whatever income comes his way he has to pay a hefty share to me.

Me? I’m eating cake and celebrating the day I ended up being freed to live a far happier life.


Darkest of Days

April 2015

What’s that they say about the path to Hell being paved with good intentions?  I had better because life is falling to shit in a hurry.  There is so much to catch up on I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do it justice.

Where to start?  OK, I read his text messages to Blockhead who is now in town specifically to visit Zack.  Zack had told him he was having a really bad night and just wanted to end it, on Friday I believe, so here he is.  In the flesh.  But I digress.  Read his text message.  Blockhead had asked where I was.  He said that I was here but I was downstairs, that I just left him alone crying all day, that I didn’t care and he couldn’t blame me because it made him less of a man to see him crying all the time.  Told him I only stayed because of the money, he believed.  To his credit he didn’t tell Blockhead that I hated him (Zack).  I guess he saves that for Jezebel. I’m not sure what else was said because I stopped reading.  I was fuming.  Or that could have been Saturday night.  It probably was.

Saturday turned out to be an awful day.  He was sad to begin with because he said I don’t like it here.  He was offering to sell the house and go back to our former state. I’m probably too practical because instead of saying, “Oh, baby, I love it here!  What are you talking about?”  I just told him I was doing my best, I had a new outlook here, and that going back wasn’t a possibility.  Even told him that we couldn’t get our old house back and we’d probably end up in one of the up and coming suburbs.

We drove to DC for the ballgame (had tickets to the final exhibition game for the Nationals).  He’s grabbing my boobs in bumper to bumper traffic and using my shoulder as a pillow.  I’m about ready to snap.  I couldn’t find parking.  I was a bundle of nerves and not having a good time at all.  So I said, “I’m ready to go home.”  He just replied, “OK, let’s go.”  I’m not sure if he was having a panic attack or if me being upset upsets him.  But we turned around and headed back home.  Stopped in Whore Town.  My most favorite place on earth. But, they have an Olive Garden there and we don’t have one here so that’s where we ate.  He had a panic attack at the restaurant and went outside with Picasso.  I checked to see if he would be ok if we went to Hobby Lobby for a minute.  Even told him he could stay in the car because I wouldn’t be that long.  He decided to come inside with us.  Continued on with the panic attack. Was crying on the way home, saying he just wanted to get home.  It was awful.  I must have seen the text that night because I was pissed the next day, Easter.

Oh, that was fun.  No church.  No fancy clothes.  I put out the Easter baskets and left later that morning because I didn’t want anyone to see me crying.  I was crying in the shower.  I went to a park and cried some more there.  I made videos to be shown to people when they found my body.  I kept telling everyone, “I don’t want to do this but it’s the only thing I know to do. I can’t take this anymore.”  And I am at the point where I really don’t think I can take much more.  Zack is constantly throwing me under the bus to people he considers important in his life.  He’s told his sister I hate him and I’ve said horrible things about him.  He told Blockhead I didn’t care and I was only in it for the money.  It’s hard enough dealing with his PTSD, his anxiety, being moved across the fucking country, trying to repair a marriage that’s been wrecked by an affair, keeping said affair from everyone in my family.  Now let’s throw the fact that I feel like I’m dealing with everyone important to him telling him to leave me.

Again, I keep coming back to what did Blockhead have to gain by telling Zack what he saw on Facebook?  Did he think he was doing him a favor?  I realize his 4 years at East Dull with him, 3 years of being his roommate completely overshadows my 20 years of living with him, but I feel the need to point out that my way allowed me to spout off about my feelings, allowed me to vent and get it all out and didn’t harm Zack in the least.  His way sent him to the psych ward.  Oh, turns out the wife isn’t so stupid after all!

I did tell him once I got back that he was throwing me under the bus and he told me I couldn’t read those messages because I took them out of context.  He said he was trying to protect me and he didn’t want anyone to think I was the cause of his anxiety and depression.  I told him he needed to tell them that he kept it all from me- not that I don’t give a shit!  Tell them you don’t want me to see you like that.  Not that I don’t care!  Not that I’m in it for the money.

His mom, Pastor Fake, Pastor Fake’s sister and her husband all came down/over on Monday.  Left today.  It was not a long trip.  I did enjoy having them all around and we had a good time, even with me being the only person here during the day yesterday.

Pastor Fake’s sister went to take a shower and Tammy Faye asked me why I didn’t have her or Jezebel on my list of Facebook friends, and why I took Rock Star off of Jezebel’s page.  I was honest.  I told her that Jezebel had encouraged Zack to leave me and I was done with her.  I also said if she was going to encourage him to leave me she didn’t need to have access to my kids. She asked if I knew it for a fact and I told her yes, that I had the text messages on my phone.  I told her exactly what she said- Sam’s wrong, she’s crazy, you deserve better than her, leave her.

So she moved on and asked why she wasn’t on my friends list.  And again I was honest.  Said it was very difficult for me knowing everyone continued to interact with Harley.  And she replied that she was family.  Which is when I said that she may feel like she’s family but to me she’s the woman who sent my husband naked pictures and told him she loved him and could envision a future with him.  She was the woman who wanted to know how my kids would like her and if my kids would get along with her kids.  Turns out she did not know about the naked pictures. I completely forgot to tell her that she was planning on getting a tattoo of a sparrow to represent their great true love. I did tell her about the messages between him and his nephew where he bragged about marrying her.  And that he would walk out our door every morning and text her good morning and then call her and talk to her all the way to work.  I’m not sure she knows that they were sexting all the time.  I didn’t get into that.  Told her about our conversation when I found out.  She said that it was apparent he had picked me and I replied that it wasn’t that obvious to me.  I told her I had asked for a text message as proof and instead got her text message where it sounded like she was calling it off.  Told her when he was asked if she was worth losing his wife and kids he said he didn’t want to lose his kids. Told her that when I asked why she had sent the message if he had ended it he replied he thought she was trying to save face and he felt bad for hurting her- her, his whore of 3 1/2 months, not me, his wife of almost 19 years. I didn’t manage to mention the fact that she cried when he ended it, according to him, or that she had reportedly said she didn’t care if her husband knew and she wasn’t going to do anything about it, or even that she honestly thought he was going to leave me for her.

I did ask her what he had told her and she said he had just said that he and Harley were texting and I had found out.  She also told me that Harley had contacted her a few times to see how she was doing and if she needed anything. I asked if Harley knew that she knew about them and she didn’t think she did. So nice to know my husband’s whore is checking up on my mother-in-law.

In hindsight I kinda wish I had said, “Well, I’m family, too,” when Tammy Faye explained it away by saying that.  “I’m family, too.  In fact, she’s a cousin and I’m your son’s wife.  I’d think if you could only maintain one relationship you’d prefer it be with your son’s wife and not his whore, despite whatever relation she may be.”  But I didn’t.  I felt like it was a productive conversation.  She said she wanted to get our relationship back on track and that I was really her only daughter-in-law and that I had been her daughter-in-law for 20 years.  I suppose that means something but not enough to cut off contact with the whore.

I did tell her, too, that although I knew it was petty, seeing her and Pastor Fake both commenting on how pretty she was when they knew what she had done was very painful.  That’s when she said she didn’t know about the pictures.  I don’t know if she just thought they were texting each other and supporting one another through a tough time or what, but they were definitely having an affair!  She did say she didn’t believe they had ever met up in person and said it could have been worse and they could have had sex.  I told her that some days I wished he had just fucked her instead of thinking he loved her and wanted to marry her.

I also kinda wish I had told her that part of the reason I have had my doubts about Zack’s sincerity is because of the timing of us buying a house and her appearing to be having problems in her marriage. Or him telling me the paperwork was messed up and they told him he should leave me off the title of the house and put me on later.  I wish I had told her I had a huge problem with the fact that she was praying for my husband when he was in the hospital.  That bitch needs to stay the hell away from my husband in every shape and form. I don’t need her prayers.  I don’t want her damn prayers.

She thought the kids knew about the affair but I set her straight on that.  I told her they had no idea, and that no one in my family had any idea.  I also reiterated the fact that this all went down the day of Rock Star’s birthday party and only 2 days before the kids and I were supposed to get on a plane to help my mom say goodbye to her husband.  I told her I tried to call my mom and tell her I was probably getting a divorce but I never got ahold of her, more than likely because she was busy making arrangements for her dead husband.  And that I was going to tell her when I came home but I didn’t want to burden her with that after just losing her spouse.  I also told her (obviously after what I just typed) that I truly didn’t think he would end things with Harley and pick me and that’s why I was trying to get in touch with my mom.

You know, it would be so easy to pretend like none of this had ever happened.  Like it’s no big deal when I see my daughter’s name right underneath Harley’s name, or if Harley and I were to comment on the same post. I can fully admit that it’s petty but it bugs me.  I can’t imagine any reaction other than, “Wow!  Zack’s wife and his whore sure do have a lot in common!  No wonder they shared the same man for months.”

I could easily pretend that she doesn’t exist and that it doesn’t bother me that she calls my mother-in-law and checks in on her.  Isn’t it so nice that she has both of Zack’s women checking in on her- her daughter-in-law of 20 years and the whore? I could probably completely put it out of my mind that she’s around in any way.  I could refuse to ever log in on FB as anyone other than myself, and since she still has me blocked I wouldn’t see one single comment that stupid bitch makes and I could pretend she no longer exists, just like she didn’t exist for me for almost 19 years. Yep, pretend she doesn’t exist until I’m hanging out with them and she calls and they talk to her while I’m around. Then shit gets real and I don’t have the privilege of pretending she doesn’t exist because she’s right there in my face.

I could probably even make nice with Jezebel and pretend like every shitty thing she has done over the past 2-3 years doesn’t bother me either.  It’s all in the past.  Let’s live and let live. Lie to me, make a fool out of me, ditch me so you can go out to dinner with your new boyfriend that you’re not cheating on your husband with, and your brother.  Criticize me, urge my husband to leave me, support him in his affair.  That’s all A-OK!  Let’s forget about all of that and start over.

But the fact of the matter is they don’t care enough to break off contact with her.  They don’t care that having a relationship with her is costing them one with me.  I can’t rely on her not being around for a holiday dinner.  All she would have to do is call them up whining about her tough luck and they’d welcome her with open arms and I would be expected to just deal with the cunt.

And that’s another part that really sucks.  Life is not just.  Harley will never have enough decency to realize what she did was wrong.  She will never think of me and how difficult a situation might be for me.  If we’re both invited to an event that selfish, manipulative bitch will be there with bells on, not giving one flying fuck about the fact that the wife of the man she spent the summer screwing around with is there.  And when I lose my shit and tell everyone what a common street whore she is *I* look like the bad guy, the crazy one.  Everyone shakes their head and tsk tsks at me and my behavior and they all look at her like she’s the poor put upon victim.

I do really love my in-laws but they are not a safe place for me. I can’t ever trust them to put me ahead of her.  And quite frankly, I’m tired of taking a back seat to her.  If you want her so damn badly you can have her.  So stop whining about the fact that I’m not around.  You don’t need me to check up on you because your son’s whore is doing it.  There is a visceral part of me that rejects pretending all is right and nothing is wrong.  It’s like being forced to carry a rapist’s child to term against your will.  If you can wrap your mind around the fact that it is your child, too, more power to you!  But if all you can concentrate on is the fact that some man you didn’t want invading your body, invaded your body and impregnated you, and you had no choice but to carry that child to term you would probably not be happy.

Who knows, though?  It’s been about 18 months since they found out about little Miss Whore and continued to compliment her.  The pain and hurt feelings gradually diminish a tiny bit.  Maybe in the next 3 or 4 years I’ll be ready to make nice.

The husband has been off with his best friend for about 3 hours now.  Wonder if he’ll come home and announce he’s leaving me for his whore?  Wonder if he’ll just come home and announce he wants a divorce because I make him miserable and he deserves someone who loves him and not his money?  Always wonderful when those who stab you in the back come into town and have alone time with your husband. Fun, fun!

I guess I’ll hear what all they had to say when Zack comes home tonight.  Hell, maybe he’ll end up staying with him at the hotel.  I was going to text him but Rock Star said not to.

As an aside, the pool is still on.  I was going to cancel the contract because I wasn’t sure if I Zack was even going to be employed because he was practically suicidal.  I didn’t know if I was even going to be here because I was pretty sure I was going to kill myself.  I also figured if I cancel the pool then maybe he’ll realize I’m not here for the money. I was going to hand him the debit card and checkbook as well and tell him I’d get a job for spending money.

Present Day Sam Says:  I shake my head looking back on this.  Oh, how I spackled and justified.  Come on, Sam; you can do it!  You can pretend that his relatives all having a relationship with Harley doesn’t bother you.  You can take on all of Zack’s problems and blame yourself so that you can somehow fix this.  Keep dancing, girlfriend!

And again, I feel compelled to tell everyone I am NOT suicidal.