Darkest of Days

April 2015

What’s that they say about the path to Hell being paved with good intentions?  I had better because life is falling to shit in a hurry.  There is so much to catch up on I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do it justice.

Where to start?  OK, I read his text messages to Blockhead who is now in town specifically to visit Zack.  Zack had told him he was having a really bad night and just wanted to end it, on Friday I believe, so here he is.  In the flesh.  But I digress.  Read his text message.  Blockhead had asked where I was.  He said that I was here but I was downstairs, that I just left him alone crying all day, that I didn’t care and he couldn’t blame me because it made him less of a man to see him crying all the time.  Told him I only stayed because of the money, he believed.  To his credit he didn’t tell Blockhead that I hated him (Zack).  I guess he saves that for Jezebel. I’m not sure what else was said because I stopped reading.  I was fuming.  Or that could have been Saturday night.  It probably was.

Saturday turned out to be an awful day.  He was sad to begin with because he said I don’t like it here.  He was offering to sell the house and go back to our former state. I’m probably too practical because instead of saying, “Oh, baby, I love it here!  What are you talking about?”  I just told him I was doing my best, I had a new outlook here, and that going back wasn’t a possibility.  Even told him that we couldn’t get our old house back and we’d probably end up in one of the up and coming suburbs.

We drove to DC for the ballgame (had tickets to the final exhibition game for the Nationals).  He’s grabbing my boobs in bumper to bumper traffic and using my shoulder as a pillow.  I’m about ready to snap.  I couldn’t find parking.  I was a bundle of nerves and not having a good time at all.  So I said, “I’m ready to go home.”  He just replied, “OK, let’s go.”  I’m not sure if he was having a panic attack or if me being upset upsets him.  But we turned around and headed back home.  Stopped in Whore Town.  My most favorite place on earth. But, they have an Olive Garden there and we don’t have one here so that’s where we ate.  He had a panic attack at the restaurant and went outside with Picasso.  I checked to see if he would be ok if we went to Hobby Lobby for a minute.  Even told him he could stay in the car because I wouldn’t be that long.  He decided to come inside with us.  Continued on with the panic attack. Was crying on the way home, saying he just wanted to get home.  It was awful.  I must have seen the text that night because I was pissed the next day, Easter.

Oh, that was fun.  No church.  No fancy clothes.  I put out the Easter baskets and left later that morning because I didn’t want anyone to see me crying.  I was crying in the shower.  I went to a park and cried some more there.  I made videos to be shown to people when they found my body.  I kept telling everyone, “I don’t want to do this but it’s the only thing I know to do. I can’t take this anymore.”  And I am at the point where I really don’t think I can take much more.  Zack is constantly throwing me under the bus to people he considers important in his life.  He’s told his sister I hate him and I’ve said horrible things about him.  He told Blockhead I didn’t care and I was only in it for the money.  It’s hard enough dealing with his PTSD, his anxiety, being moved across the fucking country, trying to repair a marriage that’s been wrecked by an affair, keeping said affair from everyone in my family.  Now let’s throw the fact that I feel like I’m dealing with everyone important to him telling him to leave me.

Again, I keep coming back to what did Blockhead have to gain by telling Zack what he saw on Facebook?  Did he think he was doing him a favor?  I realize his 4 years at East Dull with him, 3 years of being his roommate completely overshadows my 20 years of living with him, but I feel the need to point out that my way allowed me to spout off about my feelings, allowed me to vent and get it all out and didn’t harm Zack in the least.  His way sent him to the psych ward.  Oh, turns out the wife isn’t so stupid after all!

I did tell him once I got back that he was throwing me under the bus and he told me I couldn’t read those messages because I took them out of context.  He said he was trying to protect me and he didn’t want anyone to think I was the cause of his anxiety and depression.  I told him he needed to tell them that he kept it all from me- not that I don’t give a shit!  Tell them you don’t want me to see you like that.  Not that I don’t care!  Not that I’m in it for the money.

His mom, Pastor Fake, Pastor Fake’s sister and her husband all came down/over on Monday.  Left today.  It was not a long trip.  I did enjoy having them all around and we had a good time, even with me being the only person here during the day yesterday.

Pastor Fake’s sister went to take a shower and Tammy Faye asked me why I didn’t have her or Jezebel on my list of Facebook friends, and why I took Rock Star off of Jezebel’s page.  I was honest.  I told her that Jezebel had encouraged Zack to leave me and I was done with her.  I also said if she was going to encourage him to leave me she didn’t need to have access to my kids. She asked if I knew it for a fact and I told her yes, that I had the text messages on my phone.  I told her exactly what she said- Sam’s wrong, she’s crazy, you deserve better than her, leave her.

So she moved on and asked why she wasn’t on my friends list.  And again I was honest.  Said it was very difficult for me knowing everyone continued to interact with Harley.  And she replied that she was family.  Which is when I said that she may feel like she’s family but to me she’s the woman who sent my husband naked pictures and told him she loved him and could envision a future with him.  She was the woman who wanted to know how my kids would like her and if my kids would get along with her kids.  Turns out she did not know about the naked pictures. I completely forgot to tell her that she was planning on getting a tattoo of a sparrow to represent their great true love. I did tell her about the messages between him and his nephew where he bragged about marrying her.  And that he would walk out our door every morning and text her good morning and then call her and talk to her all the way to work.  I’m not sure she knows that they were sexting all the time.  I didn’t get into that.  Told her about our conversation when I found out.  She said that it was apparent he had picked me and I replied that it wasn’t that obvious to me.  I told her I had asked for a text message as proof and instead got her text message where it sounded like she was calling it off.  Told her when he was asked if she was worth losing his wife and kids he said he didn’t want to lose his kids. Told her that when I asked why she had sent the message if he had ended it he replied he thought she was trying to save face and he felt bad for hurting her- her, his whore of 3 1/2 months, not me, his wife of almost 19 years. I didn’t manage to mention the fact that she cried when he ended it, according to him, or that she had reportedly said she didn’t care if her husband knew and she wasn’t going to do anything about it, or even that she honestly thought he was going to leave me for her.

I did ask her what he had told her and she said he had just said that he and Harley were texting and I had found out.  She also told me that Harley had contacted her a few times to see how she was doing and if she needed anything. I asked if Harley knew that she knew about them and she didn’t think she did. So nice to know my husband’s whore is checking up on my mother-in-law.

In hindsight I kinda wish I had said, “Well, I’m family, too,” when Tammy Faye explained it away by saying that.  “I’m family, too.  In fact, she’s a cousin and I’m your son’s wife.  I’d think if you could only maintain one relationship you’d prefer it be with your son’s wife and not his whore, despite whatever relation she may be.”  But I didn’t.  I felt like it was a productive conversation.  She said she wanted to get our relationship back on track and that I was really her only daughter-in-law and that I had been her daughter-in-law for 20 years.  I suppose that means something but not enough to cut off contact with the whore.

I did tell her, too, that although I knew it was petty, seeing her and Pastor Fake both commenting on how pretty she was when they knew what she had done was very painful.  That’s when she said she didn’t know about the pictures.  I don’t know if she just thought they were texting each other and supporting one another through a tough time or what, but they were definitely having an affair!  She did say she didn’t believe they had ever met up in person and said it could have been worse and they could have had sex.  I told her that some days I wished he had just fucked her instead of thinking he loved her and wanted to marry her.

I also kinda wish I had told her that part of the reason I have had my doubts about Zack’s sincerity is because of the timing of us buying a house and her appearing to be having problems in her marriage. Or him telling me the paperwork was messed up and they told him he should leave me off the title of the house and put me on later.  I wish I had told her I had a huge problem with the fact that she was praying for my husband when he was in the hospital.  That bitch needs to stay the hell away from my husband in every shape and form. I don’t need her prayers.  I don’t want her damn prayers.

She thought the kids knew about the affair but I set her straight on that.  I told her they had no idea, and that no one in my family had any idea.  I also reiterated the fact that this all went down the day of Rock Star’s birthday party and only 2 days before the kids and I were supposed to get on a plane to help my mom say goodbye to her husband.  I told her I tried to call my mom and tell her I was probably getting a divorce but I never got ahold of her, more than likely because she was busy making arrangements for her dead husband.  And that I was going to tell her when I came home but I didn’t want to burden her with that after just losing her spouse.  I also told her (obviously after what I just typed) that I truly didn’t think he would end things with Harley and pick me and that’s why I was trying to get in touch with my mom.

You know, it would be so easy to pretend like none of this had ever happened.  Like it’s no big deal when I see my daughter’s name right underneath Harley’s name, or if Harley and I were to comment on the same post. I can fully admit that it’s petty but it bugs me.  I can’t imagine any reaction other than, “Wow!  Zack’s wife and his whore sure do have a lot in common!  No wonder they shared the same man for months.”

I could easily pretend that she doesn’t exist and that it doesn’t bother me that she calls my mother-in-law and checks in on her.  Isn’t it so nice that she has both of Zack’s women checking in on her- her daughter-in-law of 20 years and the whore? I could probably completely put it out of my mind that she’s around in any way.  I could refuse to ever log in on FB as anyone other than myself, and since she still has me blocked I wouldn’t see one single comment that stupid bitch makes and I could pretend she no longer exists, just like she didn’t exist for me for almost 19 years. Yep, pretend she doesn’t exist until I’m hanging out with them and she calls and they talk to her while I’m around. Then shit gets real and I don’t have the privilege of pretending she doesn’t exist because she’s right there in my face.

I could probably even make nice with Jezebel and pretend like every shitty thing she has done over the past 2-3 years doesn’t bother me either.  It’s all in the past.  Let’s live and let live. Lie to me, make a fool out of me, ditch me so you can go out to dinner with your new boyfriend that you’re not cheating on your husband with, and your brother.  Criticize me, urge my husband to leave me, support him in his affair.  That’s all A-OK!  Let’s forget about all of that and start over.

But the fact of the matter is they don’t care enough to break off contact with her.  They don’t care that having a relationship with her is costing them one with me.  I can’t rely on her not being around for a holiday dinner.  All she would have to do is call them up whining about her tough luck and they’d welcome her with open arms and I would be expected to just deal with the cunt.

And that’s another part that really sucks.  Life is not just.  Harley will never have enough decency to realize what she did was wrong.  She will never think of me and how difficult a situation might be for me.  If we’re both invited to an event that selfish, manipulative bitch will be there with bells on, not giving one flying fuck about the fact that the wife of the man she spent the summer screwing around with is there.  And when I lose my shit and tell everyone what a common street whore she is *I* look like the bad guy, the crazy one.  Everyone shakes their head and tsk tsks at me and my behavior and they all look at her like she’s the poor put upon victim.

I do really love my in-laws but they are not a safe place for me. I can’t ever trust them to put me ahead of her.  And quite frankly, I’m tired of taking a back seat to her.  If you want her so damn badly you can have her.  So stop whining about the fact that I’m not around.  You don’t need me to check up on you because your son’s whore is doing it.  There is a visceral part of me that rejects pretending all is right and nothing is wrong.  It’s like being forced to carry a rapist’s child to term against your will.  If you can wrap your mind around the fact that it is your child, too, more power to you!  But if all you can concentrate on is the fact that some man you didn’t want invading your body, invaded your body and impregnated you, and you had no choice but to carry that child to term you would probably not be happy.

Who knows, though?  It’s been about 18 months since they found out about little Miss Whore and continued to compliment her.  The pain and hurt feelings gradually diminish a tiny bit.  Maybe in the next 3 or 4 years I’ll be ready to make nice.

The husband has been off with his best friend for about 3 hours now.  Wonder if he’ll come home and announce he’s leaving me for his whore?  Wonder if he’ll just come home and announce he wants a divorce because I make him miserable and he deserves someone who loves him and not his money?  Always wonderful when those who stab you in the back come into town and have alone time with your husband. Fun, fun!

I guess I’ll hear what all they had to say when Zack comes home tonight.  Hell, maybe he’ll end up staying with him at the hotel.  I was going to text him but Rock Star said not to.

As an aside, the pool is still on.  I was going to cancel the contract because I wasn’t sure if I Zack was even going to be employed because he was practically suicidal.  I didn’t know if I was even going to be here because I was pretty sure I was going to kill myself.  I also figured if I cancel the pool then maybe he’ll realize I’m not here for the money. I was going to hand him the debit card and checkbook as well and tell him I’d get a job for spending money.

Present Day Sam Says:  I shake my head looking back on this.  Oh, how I spackled and justified.  Come on, Sam; you can do it!  You can pretend that his relatives all having a relationship with Harley doesn’t bother you.  You can take on all of Zack’s problems and blame yourself so that you can somehow fix this.  Keep dancing, girlfriend!

And again, I feel compelled to tell everyone I am NOT suicidal.

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2 thoughts on “Darkest of Days

  1. you have to remember you’re dealing with disordered emotionally vapid fake pieces of shit – they were trying to get you to eat the shit sandwich because as you know his mom is a cheater too so of course she can’t admit how fucked up they were and he was – but you did the right thing – why would you want to have people like that in your life or your children’s? nah fuck that you all deserve better

    Liked by 1 person

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