The Past, Present and Future

The four year anti-versary of finding out that CF was still fucking around with Harley after a summer of degrading myself to win him back was just the other day. Four long years. I should have showed him to the curb that very day. Instead I forgave him and tried to work through it. I moved 2000 miles across the country. I uprooted my kids lives to make him happy. And in the end none of it mattered because he started fucking around with the whore again. This time he left me. He left all of us.

You know what’s funny about it though? I don’t care. Just like the 2 year anniversary of my final D-Day didn’t affect me this year, the four year anniversary didn’t affect me either. It is what it is. I’m hoping that next year I won’t notice the dates at all. That’s not really likely though. I have a great memory. I can, however, let it roll off my back like water off a duck’s back.

My kids started back to school. Picasso began his freshman year of high school and Rock Star began her senior year. Wow!

Sixteen years ago we had moved to a new home in a new state. Rock Star was almost a year old. I saw signs for graduation open houses all over the neighborhood. I remember lamenting to CF, “That’s going to be Rock Star one day!” He told me that she wasn’t even one yet; we still had plenty of time.

Guess what? Time’s up. I’ve got 9 more months with her. She wants to go to college back west so I really will be losing her. 9 more months with this beautiful, funny, sweet, amazing girl of mine. Her dad is missing it all. He lost her 2 years ago. This spring those signs are going to be for her. We’ve got senior pictures scheduled. She’s taking the SAT again next weekend. I’m going to do my best to enjoy this time with her.

And…. CF sent me yet another check for his ridiculous $555.55. I emailed my lawyer the other day to let her know I was up to 5 checks. Now I’m up to 6. I asked her if there was any news about the show-cause hearing. I’m just waiting to hear that there is no point in having a separate hearing because it won’t happen until right before our divorce hearing.

On one hand it would save me money to not have to make yet another trip out there and to pay my lawyer for her time. On the other hand he is once again getting away with financial rape.

His lifestyle hasn’t changed at all while ours has changed tremendously. I’ve done the math. He brings home over $6000 a month. I’ve seen the bank records. She brings home $5000 a month. And she receives child support from her cheated on ex. I would imagine she probably receives around $1000/month for 4 kids. If he keeps sending me a check every week then he’s paying me $2200 a month. They live on approximately $10,000 a month. My kids and I live on less than $3500. That seems fair, don’t you think?

So, the options become take him back to court and spend money I don’t really have to try to make him pay when the judge seems reluctant to put him in jail and CF doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck about court orders. Or continue to let him flit about, living his same old lifestyle, blowing money on that fucking whore and kids that aren’t his, and letting him get away with not paying me.

I’ll admit it galls me. I hate that he’s suffering no consequences. His life is going on almost exactly as before. He’s got his new and improved wife and his new and improved (and expanded number of) kids. He’s got no bills except car insurance and a cell phone. She was perfectly able to pay all the household bills on her own before he came along. Which means the two fuckwits are living with an extra five grand each month to just spend on whatever.

Meanwhile, I’m working full-time for $11/hour. I bring home approximately $1400/month. I can’t take my kids to their doctor’s appointments. I missed Picasso’s middle school graduation. I still don’t have much time to get shit done because most of it needs to be done during the day and I’m at work. I can’t volunteer at their school.  All so I can go to work for basically slave wages. It sure as hell isn’t providing a nice lifestyle for us, and if I didn’t live with my mom I’d be living in a homeless shelter because it definitely isn’t enough to pay all my bills and pay rent and utilities.

I suppose that’s yet another rope I’ll have to learn to drop. He lives high on the hog and my kids and I live in poverty until I can finally find something that pays better.

I know it’s not very “meh” of me. The mobster likes to point out to me that I’m still tied very tightly to CF because of the money situation. Believe me I’d love to make enough that I could tell him to go shove it up his ass. But I don’t, and until the divorce is finalized I can’t seem to get a garnishment so he’s free to keep playing with me.

Anyway, on to the future and better things ahead, right?