Finally! Sam Has a Troll of Her Very Own!

It has finally happened, my faithful readers. I got myself my very own, genuine troll. I’m so excited! I’ve seen it happen to others. Rude comments. Crazy stalkers. But it has always passed me by. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been way too lovable up until now, or I’m not controversial enough or I don’t say, “Fuck!” often enough. But I have finally hit the sweet spot and captured my very own troll. It reminds me of those long ago days when the kids and I would build leprechaun traps before St. Patrick’s Day. Got one! I didn’t even need a pot of gold.

He commented on an old post, Missing the Affair Partner. He told me I “sound like a bitter woman with many cats.”

Hmmmm… had he bothered to read he would have known I’m more of a dog lover. And why is it always a bitter old woman surrounding herself with cats? Why not surround yourself with dogs? I had three of them at one point, for crying out loud! I even admitted I slept with them after CF left. But no! Troll Boy wants to saddle me with cats. Not that there’s anything wrong with cats. I like cats. I’m just more of a dog person.

You know what I think it is? Cats are generally more aloof. They look at you as if to say, “WTF are you looking at? Get out of my way, you peasant!” Cats don’t give a fuck. Dogs, on the other hand… well, they just love you. They’re so happy. “OMG! You’re home! You’re home! I’ve missed you sooooooo much! You are the best person in the entire world! I love you!” Cats, at the heart of it, are bitter! And they don’t take any shit, which we all know cheaters hate! That is why we bitter, cheated on people must surround ourselves with cats. Like attracts like. We can’t contaminate the friendly dogs that forgive everybody for everything with our bitterness and drag them down.

Of course I had to reread the post just to see what I was going on so bitterly about. Turns out it wasn’t that bad. I basically said if you miss your affair partner so damn much then go run off and be with him or her. See that? I’m encouraging true love! How can that be bitter?

Oh, that’s right! Cheaters are all about having their cake and eating it, too. Or as my mom’s friend used to say, “He wants his cake and his ice cream, too!” Yes, it’s no fun for the cheaters when the spouse is no longer around to do their part. It’s a very important part. It’s the day to day running of the cheater’s life, picking up all the pieces, making sure everything runs smoothly. How dare you tell me to leave my spouse and go be with my fuck buddy? You, madame, are a bitter, ugly, horrid person who obviously has more cats than you know what to do with!

I did paint a fairly unflattering picture of life with the fuck buddy after they got their “happily ever after”. Let’s face it. They all want to believe they’re the exception. They all want to believe that the romance that goes on during the illicit affair will continue once real life intrudes. The 23 year old with the hot body and no other distractions will never age, never get fat, never have a baby that demands her attention and takes some of it away from you. The man with all the money and all the shiny fun things you want will never say no, will never have to go work to actually earn that living, will never cheat on you. Nope, life will remain perfect because fuck buddies are true soul mates. Just ask them. But please, don’t actually look at any statistics or real life cases. We wouldn’t want to burden cheaters with the truth. They hate the truth!

I could have just sent Troll Boy to spam but I figured he has a right to his opinion. It’s wrong, of course. But he’s entitled to be wrong. Oh, don’t worry. I also told him he sounded like a lying cheater and finished it up with a very cat-like, “Fuck off.”