There is a new “thing” going around lately on infidelity blogs. It’s this idea that people involved in affairs don’t experience falling in love any differently than any other relationship. Or more to the point, that their feelings are just as valid and their experience is no different than anyone else falling in love. It’s not all about the sneaking and the plotting and the secrecy and pulling the wool over your spouse’s eyes. No! It’s exactly like when your cheating spouse fell in love with you!
What utter bullshit! First of all, in most cases the real high of the affair is knowing something your partner doesn’t. Ha ha ha ha ha! Or as the STBX would say, “$555.55!”
Secondly, no, you cannot compare the two. It’s true that the initial stages of a relationship are going to be remarkably similar. There is that giddy rush in the beginning. Not being able to get enough of each other. Wanting to spend every moment together. That’s where the similarities end.
When I met Cousinfucker we were both unmarried with no children. I was not the other woman, intent on winning my man at any cost. There was no wife in the picture, a wife that I just flat out refused to acknowledge existed. I didn’t hurt a single person when I began dating him. And the same is true for him. There was no dishonesty. There was no sneaking around. There were no lies. That cannot be said for him and Harley.
They both lied and cheated on their spouses. They both hurt their long suffering, loyal partners. There was nothing but dishonesty, sneaking around and lies. I don’t care how much they thought they had in common. I don’t care how much they thought they had a found a “soul mate”. The fact of the matter is they were two disordered, selfish shitheads who cared only about themselves and their genitals.
In a normal, non-cheating relationship after that head rush of a beginning life slowly begins to edge into that safe, warm cocoon the two of you have wrapped yourselves in. You meet friends. You meet family. The intensity wears off. A comfortableness ensues.
Or in the case of CF and Harley you’re already family so there is no meeting the family. In most affair situations though they aren’t busting out the affair partner and showing them off to the family and friends. You remain in that cocoon where it’s just the two of you. No real life problems face them because they’re not living real life. They continue to live a fantasy and convince themselves it’s reality. That’s why so many of them end once the spouse kicks the cheater out, or the cheater leaves and moves in with the affair partner. It’s real life, y’all! No more sneaking out at noon to go fuck in the parking lot. No more telling your spouse you’re working late when the reality is you’re meeting your fuck buddy at a hotel for a few hours. There’s no one else there to fill in the gaps and take care of you while your AP is left to concentrate on the fun stuff. Now you both have to fill both roles.
You eventually decide that either this is a relationship you want to continue or one you wish to end. And if you want it to continue you keep growing that relationship, tending to it- forever.
That’s the part most cheaters don’t get. Every relationship takes work. Some relationships are definitely easier than others but that doesn’t mean you can ignore them or neglect them. You still have to put in the work. Cheaters tend to like new and shiny and exciting. And most importantly, they like the high of the illicit relationship. Nobody knows! Shhh! It’s a big secret.
Here’s the real test as to whether or not the cheater’s relationship is like any other relationship beginning out. What devastation lies in the wake of a cheater’s relationship gone bad? If CF and I had gone our separate ways a year or two after meeting there might have been a broken heart. I’m hoping his and not mine. I might have missed his family. Hell, I probably would have missed them more then than I do now. But there wouldn’t be kids who have had their lives uprooted. He never would have had the chance to abandon them and treat them like they were nothing. I certainly wouldn’t have been in a situation where I had been unemployed for 15 years and following him around the country for 20 years so financially I would have undoubtedly been better off. There wouldn’t be a betrayed spouse left picking up pieces and trying to carry on with life while the two of us were off playing house until we decided we no longer wanted to. There wouldn’t have been 20 wasted years I’ll never get back.
So no- it’s not the same. There are huge differences. When you begin a legitimate new relationship, no cheating on a spouse, no leaving kids behind, the only person you are putting at risk is yourself. When you start cheating on your spouse or fucking around with the married person you are messing with other people’s lives. The reality is it doesn’t usually end well for the affair partners. They don’t typically live happily ever after so you’re risking a lot of people’s lives in that situation. More than likely you are causing endless destruction for very little payoff.