And So It Begins…

April 2015

I am freaking out!  But first… I saw this on Pastor Fake’s FB page:  If you’re having sex and you’re not married it’s not called dating it’s called fornication. I had to laugh because Jezebel has had at least 3 affairs. Zack and Harley had an emotional affair and were planning on getting married.  And pretty much everyone in that family has gotten pregnant before getting married!  Holy crap balls!  I don’t care either way.  I’m not against premarital sex.  But really?  You’re going to make this statement and then not follow through in any way, shape or form?

So back to my freakout… as you know I’ve been trying to reconcile the posts where Harley has been liking things on my in-laws’ page.  Trying to tell myself they’re no longer in contact.  Nothing fishy is going on. Well, Tammy Faye is in the hospital again and Zack just informed me this morning that he’s planning on going to his home state to see her this weekend.  He’s staying at a hotel about 30 minutes from the whore’s town, aka Whore Town. Not to mention, since I know the whore contacts my mother-in-law it’s not unforeseen that she could come to the hospital and run into Zack. So, right now I’m trying not to freak out.  I’m telling myself that nothing is going on and that regardless, I can’t stop him.  I am not in control.  If he wants to cheat on me, he will.  There is nothing I can do to stop it.  If he wants her instead of me and his kids, then he will not be deterred from getting her. I hate this! I’m not ready to completely trust him. Especially when he’s been like he has been lately- PTSD, anxiety ridden, telling everyone I hate him. Who knows what all he’ll tell his sister when he sees her?  And of course she’ll believe everything he tells her.

I’m back.  Had my doctor’s appointment and went to meet Zack for lunch.  We had a good time.

You know, the fact is I have to trust him at some point.  I’m thinking back to an article I read just the other day where they talk about reluctance to trust because as the old saying goes:  Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  It’s hard to be vulnerable again.  And there is a newness to it now.  I never believed he would cheat before.  I didn’t feel vulnerable because I didn’t think I ever had to worry about that.  Now I know it’s a possibility and I do feel vulnerable.

He’s being very loving.  Complimenting me a lot.  If I had to place a bet I would place it on the side of him not still being in an affair with her.  Or anyone else, I suppose.  I have to let go.  I have to trust.  And I need to be honest with him and tell him what I need.  I need him to check in with me.  I need him to tell me what’s going on down there.  I need him to let me know who he sees and who he talks to.

Present Day Sam Says: I fully believe now that he was planning on meeting up with Harley this weekend. I don’t know what made him turn around. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe he didn’t have the courage to go through with it quite yet. But he refused to take the kids with him and that was a huge red flag when he went to the funeral a few months later.

In the end, he did come home. Hooray for me. Needless to say I didn’t need to start trusting him because he turned out to be a big fat lying liar who lies. All the while I’m trying to convince myself I need to trust him he was undoubtedly messing around with the whore again.

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