Lots of entries lately. 🙂 I do know that this time marks the 2nd year anniversary, or anti-versary of Zack and Harley beginning their relationship. Honestly, I don’t think about it much. I’ll suddenly realize what time of the year it is and I’ll say, “Oh, yeah,” and then I go about my day. No dwelling on it. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before or not but I’ve deleted several of the blogs I used to read about cheaters. I’ve still got the emotional affair website bookmarked, and the ones by Kelly, Pablo’s Wife, Shawn, Elle, Shattered, Not Hate, Essie and Katie. I like Elle’s blog because she’s recovered but still keeps her blog and she gives very good, rational advice. It’s not all angry vitriol. I like Doug and Linda’s emotional affair website for the same reason, plus it’s so hard to find anything dealing with only emotional affairs. I find Essie’s blog fascinating. She was very young when she divorced but I think she will have a fabulous ending. I loved Shawn’s story into CrazyTown, kinda wish I had her moxie, although she tells people constantly, “Don’t do what I did! Stay away from the OW!” She doesn’t write much anymore. I think she wrote to tell her story and now that it’s told she doesn’t blog anymore.
I would also like to point out that I don’t read all of these blogs every day religiously like I used to. True, a lot of that is due to the fact that many of them don’t post daily like they did at one time. But I find myself not even clicking on the bookmark every day.
I still do a lot of wrestling with the fact that Harley is still in my life. No matter how much I may say she’s not the fact of the matter is that she is still there. She has a window into my life. Any time my in-laws post about my kids or my husband, she can see that. Any time Tammy Faye tells a relative something about Zack or my kids that relative can innocently pass it along to Harley. Oh wow, look at that! Zack doesn’t have to tell his whore he’s moving to another state, 6 hours away from her. Someone else will do it! Zack doesn’t have to tell his whore he’s in the hospital; his mother will let her know. I know that Tammy Faye thinks she knows what I’m going through because of Pastor Fake’s affair, but she doesn’t. That OW didn’t stay in the picture. Harley has. Every single person that Zack is close to is friends with her and fawns all over the whore. I am certain that if my kids were with their grandparents and they ran into the whore they would introduce my kids to her without a second thought. Not only would they introduce them to their father’s mistress, they would try to put her in the best possible light I guess it’s very important that my kids think Daddy’s mistress is the coolest, bestest person out there. I suppose that gives them an excuse as to why he would cheat. She’s cool and fantastic and we just love her; we can understand why our dad loved her, too, and tossed our mom aside for her. I will slit my wrists before I allow that to happen.
Oh, I know! There is a need to focus on your relationship and not the OW. I’ve got that down, Sparky. I do understand that. I get the whole: Living well and being happy is the best revenge shit. I do. And for the most part I try to concentrate on that. It can be difficult when Zack is all over the place with his emotions but I do try.
There is a lot out there on that. Shawn says, “Stay away! Focus on your relationship. She will never lead to happiness!” And I believe her. Elle cautions that concentrating on the OW gets you nowhere. Many people point out that the OW doesn’t give a shit about you (the betrayed spouse). That’s true. Harley doesn’t give a shit about me or my kids or what she did to me. She doesn’t care about the pain she caused. She doesn’t care about any of the feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty. She had her own agenda and that was to marry my husband and go off and live her little fairytale life with him that she couldn’t achieve with her own husband. She didn’t care at all about the fact he already had a wife and 2 kids. She was prepared to see us as collateral damage. The only thing that mattered to her was what she wanted. Hell, she doesn’t even have enough common decency to stay the fuck away from Zack’s family. Why would I ever give her the benefit of the doubt and think she understands the damage and pain she has caused? These women don’t care about who they hurt. You’ll never get them to understand the damage they’ve done until they are on the receiving end of it. And some, like the OW in Ashlee’s case, don’t care even then. Her husband cheated on her and then she in turn cheated on him with Ashlee’s husband, which resulted in his death, leaving behind a young widow and a 5 young children. That bitch does not care about the damage she created. And the bitch in my situation doesn’t care either. As I’ve said many times if he had left me she would be planning her wedding and running down the aisle to say, “I do!” Hell, it’s been almost 2 years now so if he had left when I gave him an ultimatum they would probably be married by now. I don’t think she would have been willing to wait. I’m thinking a justice of the peace wedding would not have been out of the question, just so she could legally claim him and he couldn’t up and leave once he fully realized what a bonehead move he had made. Of course, the joke would have been on her because shortly after marrying him she would have found him slipping deeper and deeper into a depression because his kids wanted nothing to do with him. She could deal with all of this PTSD shit and all of his anxiety. Joke’s on you, bitch! You get romantic Zack in the beginning when he’s wooing you. You get real Zack after the wedding! Have fun! And lest someone hack into my computer and rush to tell Zack I’m saying bad things about him: I do love him. I’ve stayed throughout all this bullshit and done my best to help him. But I don’t think Harley was prepared for any of that. She would have just ditched her husband of 16 years for my husband. Disappointed her kids. Possibly have uprooted them to move wherever Zack might end up. I do not believe that dealing with a husband who is sobbing and drunk all the time because he’s destroyed his relationship with his kids would have been what she was looking forward to. Not at all. She’s envisioning luxury vacations, and candlelight dinners, picking out their dream house, hot sex, and a fairytale romance. Not depression, crying, anxiety, drinking, not being able to function, not wanting to leave the house. No, that’s not what he was selling her.
Anyway, I’m doing my best. I’m coming along. I try not to focus on her. Barely look at her FB page for new profile pictures anymore. I can’t see anything on her page because it’s locked down, and she’s kept the same profile picture of her kid up since the beginning of February. I still find it fascinating that while she was fucking around with my husband she was changing her profile picture every 2 weeks or so, and now it’s rare plus it’s not usually of her. I suppose she could hang out on Instagram more now and I can’t track that. Too bad! Or maybe, a blessing in disguise. See? I’m evolving.
I also don’t track my in-laws’ page that often either. I try not to because it’s just upsetting to see that fake bitch liking everything and acting like she’s some huge part of their life. I know she’s there. It’s her way of always being connected to Zack. It pisses me off and it remains something I need to let go of. It’s difficult because I’m a dweller. I figured that would be easier to say than a not-let-it-goer. I want justice. I want her to lose something. Because really, what did she lose? If she and her husband are indeed divorced it wasn’t because he dumped her; it would have been because she moved on with someone else. So, she didn’t lose her husband. She didn’t lose her kids, even though her daughter knew what she had done and wasn’t happy about it. She didn’t lose her in-laws. She didn’t have to wonder what was wrong with her that would make her husband cheat on her. She didn’t have to wonder if her in-laws would really prefer that her husband be with his mistress (because, you know, he didn’t cheat on her therefore he didn’t have a mistress that his family could prefer). She didn’t have to deal with feelings of betrayal and humiliation. She doesn’t have to wonder if her husband is still fooling around with his whore because he never was. She doesn’t have to wonder if her husband is ever going to do it again, because he was always faithful. Her relationship with her in-laws is intact, I’m guessing. I don’t know for certain that The Saint didn’t tell anyone in his family but my guess is he didn’t. She doesn’t have to deal with her husband’s whore always being around and her being expected to suck it up and smile. Her life has gone on as always, unless, of course, she’s divorced him and gotten involved with someone else. Oh, wait, the correct order would be: unless she got involved with someone else and then divorced her husband. That’s the Harley move.
I suppose you could say I haven’t lost that much. At least that is the way it would look to an outside observer. I got a new, bigger house. I got a new car. I’m getting a pool. I still have my husband. That probably should be listed first. OK, do over. I still have my husband and he appears to be crazy about me. I have a new, bigger house. I have a new car. I’m getting a pool. My lifestyle has not changed; if anything, it has improved. But underneath, where you can’t see… I deal with the humiliation of my husband’s betrayal, knowing that so many people know what he did to me and yet I still stayed and tried to work it out. I deal with the questions of what he saw in her, what did I lack, what did I do wrong? And knowing the answers to those questions doesn’t necessarily help. He saw attention and flattery from her. Attention he wasn’t getting at home. We didn’t communicate much. We weren’t a team. We didn’t function as a married couple; we lived more as roommates. He was unhappy with the infrequency of sex. Still doesn’t excuse him. But it helps us to rebuild. I deal with the fact that I’ve been moved 2000 miles across the country, far from my friends and everything I was involved in, because of their plan to move us closer so they in turn could meet up and fuck each other. I deal with the fact that my in-laws think my husband’s whore is simply wonderful and I’m not sure our relationship will ever be put back together like it was. Oh, and that’s only referring to his mom. His sister is pretty much dead to me. I’m going to chalk that up to a 50/50 split as far as where fault lies- her or Harley. I mean, if Harley hadn’t been willing to open her legs for my husband then there would have been no affair. But Jezebel was eating it all up and encouraging him to leave me. And then tries to place all the blame on me- I’ve reached out and Sam just won’t let me in. I’m done! She completely discounts all of her lying and her disparaging comments about me, like how I blow money.
You know, I guess if I’m being completely honest (and I do try to be) what I really want is for everyone who is close to my husband and supposedly loves me and wants our marriage to be stronger than ever, to cut ties with her. To let her know that they know what she did and that it’s not ok. That they have MY back, not hers. Is that such a horrible thing to want? And I know that I can only control myself. I cannot control them and they have made it abundantly clear that they want a relationship with the little whore. So, I trudge on.
Present Day Sam Says: So much of what I wrote could still apply today.
The best revenge is living well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real easy to say. Not always so easy to do. Especially when you’re faced with living in poverty for the rest of your life. Or, at the very least living an extremely downsized lifestyle for the rest of your life.
Don’t focus on the other woman because she doesn’t give a shit about what she’s done to you. That’s certainly true. Harley the Whore gives absolutely zero fucks about the lives she’s ruined. She doesn’t care what this has done to my kids. She doesn’t care what it’s done to me.
Wishing his family would have my back instead of the whore’s? Well, we all know that if I wish in one hand and shit in the other which one will fill up faster, don’t we? That was all a pipe dream that was never going to work out in my favor.
So much great advice and yet I’m not really feeling any of it.