Am I Truly Happy?

In the past week or so I’ve been asked if I’m truly happy. Apparently it isn’t believable that I could be happy with the recent developments in my life and still be so “angry” and “bitter” over CF and his treatment of me and our kids. I believe I was accused of talking out of both sides of my mouth actually. I’ve also been asked if I can be happy regardless of the outcome of my divorce. That was a question posed by the mobster one day, and one that I have mulled over at length.

Let’s tackle the first question. Am I truly happy? Or more to the point, how can I say I’m happy when I still rail against the injustice of infidelity and divorce? How can I say I’m happy when I have no desire to be friends with Cousinfucker, and still have copious amounts of anger towards him and the whore?

I believe I already attempted this explanation back in November. My divorce is not final. I don’t have a settlement. What he originally offered me was a joke. He continues to do shit, and a lot of that shit is not something I can easily ignore. Like, say, stopping payment on his support checks. Or…. not paying his court ordered support.

Believe me, I would love to be in a position where his support check was simply a bonus. At this point in time, however, I am not. I am a 48 year old woman re-entering the workforce after a more than 15 year absence. I make $11/hour and I have two kids that are used to living a fairly affluent life. After I pay my current bills I don’t have enough money to rent an apartment, pay utilities, and buy food and necessities, much less have anything left over for fun or for my kids. It’s going to be a long time before I’m truly able to stand on my own and not need his support check.

I’ve said before that he has simply shed his old life for a new one. And that is hard to take some days. After his first affair with Harley (the emotional one) I told him if he ever did this to me again I would make what happened to Jezebel’s Husband #2 seem like a walk in the park. In my old FB entries I referenced taking everything and destroying what I couldn’t take. The truth is he is losing nothing. Nothing that he cares about anyway. And I can’t do anything to him.

Sure, his kids don’t talk to him but he doesn’t really care. It’s good for a pity party soundbite, to act like he misses them and loves them, but the reality is he doesn’t give a shit. He’s got four new kids and they will fawn all over him and act like all his big gifts mean the world to them. Let’s face it- their lives have dramatically improved. They’ve been moved into a home that is nicer than anything they’ve ever lived in. Their mom’s income has doubled by partnering up with my husband, and in turn, their lifestyle has dramatically increased. He goes to their cheerleading competitions and show and tell. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he’s coaching one of their sports teams. He’s much more involved with them than he ever was with our kids.

Me and my kids? Well, we went from living in a 4000 sq. ft. home with a pool, hot tub, game room, separate bathrooms for all, and nice huge bedrooms into living in my mom’s 1500 sq. ft. home. We live with my mom! He lives with his whore. And our income/lifestyle has decreased by 90% or more. 90%, folks. Think about that for a minute. Imagine losing 90% of everything you have and then get back to me and tell me how happy you are. Tell me you have a smile on your face every fucking day and that you never think about everything that you’ve lost. I will, in turn, tell you that you are a liar.

It is an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I told him I would wreck havoc upon his life if he ever cheated on me again and I haven’t. I can’t. There is nothing I can do to hurt him and to wreck his life the way he wrecked mine, and by extension, our kids. He is getting away with everything and doing beautifully in his new life.

The mobster likes to point out I won’t walk away with nothing. He’s going to have to give me half of his 401k and pension. I know he’s not eager to hand over any money but the reality is he’ll be able to easily make up for that money he’s had to pay out. He can replace it in about 5 years. I will never be able to replace what I’m losing financially.

He will have to pay child support. He may end up paying spousal support. There is a really good possibility that the amount of support he has to pay out, regardless of how much it may piss him off, still won’t bring my lifestyle anywhere close to his. Combined and accounting for child support I think they live on about $12k a month. If he has to pay me $2000/month for both child and spousal support he’s still living on what we used to and I’m living on a third- and that’s only while he’s paying child support for both kids.

So I do my best to not think about those things. I absolutely do my best to try not to think about the lavish lifestyle he’s living and the fact that his income has actually gone up. I do my best to concentrate on the things that are going well in my life and to not dwell on the fact that his life is not falling apart. I try my best to think about the positives. I do my best to concentrate on me and making my life good and I try like hell not to think about everything that cousinfucking piece of shit is getting away with.

You know what? Some days I fail. Some days I rage against the injustice. Some days I find it hard to have faith in myself and believe that I will one day rise out of all of this bullshit and be successful on my own. Some days I find it difficult to believe that I will ever be in a position where I can not only pay my bills but also move out into my own place and still have enough money to help my kids out and go on vacations and go out to dinner and the movies and to buy gifts. There are many days when it is difficult to believe that this, this right here and now, is not how it’s always going to be. I have a really tough time looking into the future and believing that things are going to be so much better.

Does that mean I’m angry and bitter? No, it means I’m trying to be happy with the little that I have. It means that sometimes I get these little surges of hope that I will be able to do great things and lead a great life, one that is even greater than if I remained married to Cousinfucker.

6 thoughts on “Am I Truly Happy?

  1. Who ARE these one dimensional people who believe you’re only allowed on emotion at a time? My goodness, OF COURSE you’re angry and bitter and raging against CF. He has done and continues to do terrible, horrible things not only against you, but against your children as well. But the thing about life – it goes on. The world does not stop spinning because CF is such an insanely selfish ass deliberately inflicting cruelty, financial, and emotional distress upon his discarded family. You do the best you can. Your kids are healthy. Your mom is funny. Your family loves you. You have the mobster to care for and he knows you’re an awesome woman worthy of his admiration and respect. You’re angry with appropriate things to be angry about and happy about what you have to be happy about. That should not be difficult to understand.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sam-

    We are in oddly parallel places. Not exactly the same of course but eerily similar. I describe myself as mostly content or at peace – not necessarily happy. When I am snuggled up on the couch with my boy – yes in that moment I am happy. But when I think about the daughter I lost I’m in tears. And when my STBX pulls another asshole move yes I am pissed off. But my being pissed off doesn’t hurt him any – in fact he gets off on it. It irks him much more when I can shrug and say “whatever” I may still be seething inside but as long as he doesn’t see it – at least he’s not getting that jolly.

    The injustice piece is the biggest galling part to set aside. Sometimes I manage. Sometimes I don’t. I enjoy the time I can set it aside more than the time I cannot so I keep working on it. I really believe that everyone gets what they deserve in the end. It’s just really really hard not to be around to see it (or better yet cause it.)

    I can share one giggle with you one little peek I did get into what isn’t so perfect in his new life. He’s 43 and not in the greatest of shape. His new girlfriend (not the one he cheated with) is 26. A little birdie (one I completely trust) told me he’s been having trouble getting it up. I know he can just go gt a blue pill to fix that but I still laughed my self silly over that one.

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    1. A 43 year old with a 26 year old? That’s going to work well! Does he have money? Because that’s the only way I see her sticking around, and even then I bet she’ll cheat.

      What is it with cheating men and Viagra? The mobster’s STBX confided in him in the very beginning that the man she left him for couldn’t get it up and needed Viagra.

      Isn’t his daughter older? Can she come see you on her own or is she firmly on her father’s side? I’m sorry about your loss. I do always remind myself that I didn’t lose my kids to all of this. I know others aren’t so lucky.

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  3. My daughter is 17. She could come over and that she doesn’t hurts. But I think a combination of things is at work there. My STBX doesn’t have money. He makes a decent living but I was the major bread winner. I think he is telling her that all the things she no longer has (especially her horse that he sold) are my fault. When in fact if he budgeted his money and wasted less on going out and on his gf, he could still manage. I also know she is a nervous and easily intimidated person and the few times she did come over he was pretty rough on her. Add on being a typically self absorbed teen and I can kind of understand why she doesn’t keep in touch. I hope when she gets older she will see things differently and reconnect.

    btw – with him cancelling checks etc can you apply to the Division of Child Support enforcement to start garnish his wages? I think most every state has one.

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