Continuing To Lie To Myself

May  2015

Cousinfucker was sad yesterday.  I’m sad for him.  He said he can barely function at work.  That sends alarm bells off.  I know to an outsider it might sound like I’m only concerned with the money but the fact of the matter is even if I went back to work I can’t make anywhere close to what he’s making.  He is our sole breadwinner so if he gets fired because he can’t function any longer we are fucked.  All of us. I’m a little less panicked today than I was yesterday.  I don’t know why.  Possibly because I just dig my head in the sand and trudge on.

I was thinking about this yesterday.  Thinking about happiness, actually.  I mean, I live in a beautiful place.  It’s absolutely gorgeous.  I love the rolling hills and the cows and all the farms dotting the land.  I can even deal with the fact that Whoreville doesn’t have all the conveniences that our previous town does.  We’re 2 hours from DC.  We’re 6 hours from NYC.  About 3 hours from the ocean.  And M is moving here!  I could deal with the fact that I’m not super busy like I was or that I don’t have tons of friends.  What I’m having trouble with is not even having a husband.  I have to always be strong because he is always breaking down.  He can’t support me because I’m busy supporting him.  I look at all these places, these Civil War sites or wineries, and think about how much fun it would be to go to some of that.  And then I realize I won’t be able to because Cousinfucker can’t do it.  He wants to be my best friend but he can’t do anything with me.

Thankfully, he is getting help.  I’m hoping the psychiatrist can prescribe some medication that will really help him.  I feel guilty because I have been falling asleep on the couch the past week or so.  I try not to do that because it makes him feel unloved.

In uplifting news Rock Star went to the cheerleading open gym yesterday and she said it was really fun.  I’m glad she liked it.  That kid has the world by the tail.  Everyone knows her, or at least of her. I tell her all the time I’m living vicariously through her.

Picasso seems to be having better days.  Or if they’re not better he’s keeping it to himself. I’ve been trying to get him an appointment with a child psychologist and Cousinfucker and I have talked about having him tested for ADD. In fact, Cousinfucker thinks there’s a possibility that he himself may have ADD.  Hell, at this point I don’t care what they diagnose.  Just medicate him!

Present Day Sam Says: How fucked up is that? I’m worrying over falling asleep on the couch because it makes him feel unloved. He kicked me out of our bed for over 7 years. You think that might have made me feel unloved? I forgot- I don’t count. The only important thing is that now he has decided I may sleep with him I’m the problem if I fall asleep on the couch.

Re-reading this makes me sad. My daughter did have the world by the tail and now… there are many days when she hates her life. Thanks, Dad!

I did live in a beautiful place. Turns out the mobster was only about 3 hours from me. I lived in a big, beautiful home with every material thing I had ever wanted. And now I live where I live, with my mom. I have very little to call my own. Cousinfucker took all of that away from me. He even took the ability to have a normal relationship with this most wonderful man away from me. Instead of being 3 hours apart and able to see each other every weekend we’re 10.5 hours apart and see each other… once every 2, 3,….9 weeks. Hooray! My husband fucks a whore and gets to see her every weekend while we’re still married and living together, even taking long weekends to see her. Now he’s living with the slut. Me? Yeah, I don’t get every weekend and I certainly don’t get 3 and 4 day weekends. The mobster would love to move to where I am but we are both responsible parents. We don’t do whatever the hell we want whenever we want to do it. So it will be at least 2 years and possibly even more before that becomes a reality.

I worried about what would happen to us if he lost his job because he “couldn’t function.” I should have worried more about me and the kids. Turns out he did just fine, but my premonitions about what would happen to me and the kids were dead on. I will probably always be living near the poverty line thanks to him and what he did to me.

2 thoughts on “Continuing To Lie To Myself

  1. 2 hours from DC? and 6 from NYC? I bet we used to be almost neighbors! I think about moving away from here closer to my family sometimes. I can’t see giving up the good job I have in hopes of getting another though. Or leaving my friends and community to start over finding my place. It seems like more distance from STBX would be good though. The job is the big thing. I know how blessed I am to have it.

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    1. We might have been. 🙂

      Moving was a blessing and a curse. I hated moving my daughter away from her life there. And since CF moved out of the state anyway it’s not like I would have to see him. But the house was expensive, I never would have found a job that paid all my bills and living with my mom and being back home isn’t so bad. I would kill to have a great job though!

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