Snooping & Convincing Myself Everything Was Great


July 2015

I may as well begin a new entry since this topic is so much different from the last one.  I was re-reading some of the old blogs I used to read in the aftermath of the affair.  I’ve deleted most of them.  I try to stay neutral because not everyone takes the same path but for me I figured I had two choices:  I could stay or I could leave.  If I was going to stay then we needed to fix this marriage and I had to forgive him and eventually get beyond this affair because I had no desire to stay and be miserable.  Has it been difficult at times?  Yes! And not because of anything he’s done since D Day.  It’s been triggers that have set me off and sent me spiraling.  That’s been the difficult part.

I read somewhere that it usually takes 18-24 months to recover from a spouse’s affair.  I think that’s about right.  I didn’t have a long initial recovery.  Things seemed to get better rather quickly in fact.  But the triggers remained until a month or so ago. The need to snoop.  The fear that he was still involved with her. The anger. Feeling like I was ugly and hideous.  I experienced all of those things.  Devouring infidelity blogs.  Wanting information about her.  Hell, I still do sometimes but it has all lessened in the last month or so.  I’m just over it.  And sadly, no matter how much you tell a person not to do something it won’t happen until that person feels ready to accept it.  I do occasionally check up on the whore. I think I’ve already said that I probably always will. And I haven’t looked on Zack’s phone since April.  He told me today that he did put a passcode on it because corporate is demanding that they do so.  He had told me months ago that he was supposed to and that if he did it would be 7026.  He also volunteered to have my thumb print be on “file” so that I could get into it that way as well.

Anyway, one of the topics on the EA blog was snooping and various readers’ feelings about it.  I read a comment in the comments section and I thought it summed up my feelings on it quite clearly:  The word “snooping” would imply that I am looking at something I have no business looking at.  I have been married for 28 years and happily gave up a lucrative career 21 years ago to be a wife and stay at home mother.  My financial well-being is tied up in my marriage, as my degree is now a bit out of date.  I could not easily return to the work world at this point.  Of course, this is not to mention the emotional investment in the marriage.  I don’t know about you guys, but I protect my investments.  If my stockbroker began acting like a meth addict, I would investigate and look closely at the books. Perhaps this sounds a little cold, but here it is.  If my husband’s behavior leads me to believe he is lying to me, it is within my rights to check out my suspicions.

Of course, I love the one, probably from a cheating spouse who said:  Snooping is a complex issue.  On one hand it shows the CS that their BS isn’t really moving forward, just hiding their true feelings of hurt, and looking for reassurance that nothing is happening.  It also shows that the BS really doesn’t have any faith in the CS so the CS figures, “Well, I am being honest but it doesn’t matter.”  It is bad, bad, bad for everyone.

Really?  You’ve spent months, if not years, lying to your spouse and now that he or she knows the truth, checking up on you just proves that he or she isn’t really moving forward the way you, the cheater, feels he or she should?  It shows that the BS doesn’t have any faith in the CS and poor picked on little CS is so defeated and downtrodden because the person they betrayed isn’t automatically saying, “Oh, honey, I believe you 100%!  I would trust you with my life!  Why on earth would I ever think you were lying to me?”

I’m hoping there was more to that entry and the blog owners just used part of the quote to show an opposing side.  Because everything quoted, if that’s all there was, is just drivel!  Excuses, excuses, excuses!  You cheat on your spouse and you need to expect to not be trusted.  You need to be willing to be transparent.  You need to be willing to give access to your email and phone.  If you aren’t then your spouse is going to be wondering what it is that you are hiding.  Sorry.  That’s part of being a cheater.  You’ve cheated and lied and betrayed someone you professed to love.  You don’t rebuild overnight no matter how convenient that would be.

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