That Lowdown Dirty Bastard

July 2015

Money, money, money.  Zack said he’s got plenty of stock to cash in so even with the price tumbling we would be fine.  So, I decided to go with the stamped concrete after all. I was feeling guilty and then Zack let me in on a little secret.  He’s been sending his mom money for about a month to help them with groceries. $50 here, $100 there. No, the real secret he was keeping was that he was trying to support a whore and her four kids.  Surprise! Makes it sound like no big deal.  Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to look up just how much he’s sent.  Over $1000 if you include the wire transfer fees.  $500 of that was to fix the van which had taken a crap and they needed to fix it before they could turn it in. Another big lie from him. That money went to the whore, not his mom.  Another $500 for groceries, I guess. No, another $500 for the whore and her daughter. New daddy is a big spender and needs to impress his new fake kids!  We never sent the check for his niece’s rent so he figured he would just give his mom money to help pay for groceries since they’re always feeding the two of them. Then today I ask him about this letter from Verizon which was approving him for a phone.  Oh, he’s getting a phone for them and paying the bill. No! Another lie! He bought phones for the whore and her daughter. The sonofabitch let me get online and pay the damn bill for him- and them.  And he justifies it by saying we help my niece and will probably help my other niece and we’re paying my mom’s cell phone bill.  Yeah, but my mom’s cell phone bill is $75/month.  I send my niece a care package once a month or less and the total cost of it is generally less than $100.  Once I simply sent her a check for $25, I believe.  I send her boxes of oatmeal and an occasional piece of clothing.  Sometimes she gets lucky and she gets $25 gift cards to Papa John’s or Chipotle.  I’m NOT sending her $1000 a month and then turning around and paying her cell phone bill. I don’t know why it bothers me because I was fully on board with paying for his niece’s rent for 2 months. Come on, Sam! Sending your niece a care package is exactly the same as him spending thousands on a whore and her kids to impress them!  And I’ve never had a problem sending Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye money before. And, most importantly, we do have it, at least right now.  But I don’t want to end up being dirt poor once he retires because we never saved up anything because we were too busy supporting every member of our family. Well here’s where you got lucky, Sam. You ended up dirt poor before retirement when he spent the next two years financially raping you and continuing to live the life of a bachelor with no children, no debts, no nothing. Just endless freedom and tons of money.

I guess maybe part of it is he never really discussed it with me.  He just did it. Yes, it’s kind of funny how he didn’t discuss his mistress cousin and his desire to support her and raise her lifestyle substantially with you. It’s not like you would have, you know, objected or anything.  And then there’s the fact that if his niece and her boyfriend are old enough to have babies then they should be old enough to support them.  You don’t tell people you can’t pay your electric bill or afford diapers that fit your baby because you don’t have money and then turn around and trade in a perfectly good (paid for) car for a truck payment.  You don’t cry poverty while you continue to buy cigarettes and fish for your aquarium.  If you’ve got money to smoke then you’ve got money to buy food.  If you can’t do both then you should quit.  And you sure as shit don’t turn around and get your girlfriend pregnant again!

It’s a never ending circle.  You can’t tell his niece and her boyfriend to get their shit together because “they’re adults and you can’t tell me what to do!”  You could tell Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to deliver the same message but the fact of the matter is they will never stop helping them even if they don’t have it to give. So, you could threaten to cut them off if they continue to feed them but it wouldn’t do any good.

I’d like to know where their parents are? They’re not orphans!  Would it kill her father to give her $100 for diapers and formula once in a while?  It’s not like he and his ex did it all on their own when she was a baby.

Oh, and where is Harley?  She’s oh so invested in Zack’s family.  Is she sending money to Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye to help them?  Is she offering to buy diapers for the baby?  No, I don’t think so.  She’s just busy gushing over everyone and telling them how much she loves them. Sam, sweetie, Harley is busy taking all of this money!  None of it was going to the niece or Tammy Faye.  It was going to Harley.  That’s where she is.  She’s promising to ride your husband’s dick and robbing you blind.

And where’s Jezebel?  They’ve got the money to remodel the kitchen and buy endless amounts of hunting gear.  They can afford to run off on vacation every time you turn around. Is she helping them out? Or is she focused on her own self?

I realize that if I were counseling someone with this problem I would tell them to concentrate on what they were doing and not to worry about what other’s might be doing or not doing. It doesn’t really matter if Harley or Jezebel are helping.  You don’t do the right thing only if someone else is doing the right thing.  I would probably also tell them to ask themselves if they are losing out on anything.  Are they or their children going hungry or without?  If not, and you can afford it, then do the nice thing.  It can be frustrating supporting people that should be supporting themselves but in the end I try to remember it’s about being a good person. That is called spackling and eating endless shit sandwiches. Yep, I convinced myself I was a good person and it was the right thing to do- helping his mom out. In reality the shit eating chimp was robbing us blind and probably getting a boner while doing so.

I suppose we’ll reevaluate in a little while.  I don’t think we’re going to be able to keep this up when Rock Star goes away to college so he needs to be preparing his mom and Pastor Fake for that.  We can’t send them $500/month and pay their cell phone bill and send our daughter to college.  And no, we’re not going to have her sacrifice her higher education because you’ve made disastrous decisions throughout your lifetime. Oh Sam, you silly silly little woman. Your daughter’s higher education was tossed aside for a whore and her children. Her father didn’t even blink.

Sometimes I wish I just didn’t know!

Also in the negative column, Zack had another panic attack. I doubt he’s going to go to Florida with us. Hell, if he doesn’t pull it together soon he may end up losing his job.  Once his therapist gets back they are going to have to go full steam ahead with this EMDR therapy.  I feel bad because I won’t be here the following week and I think he won’t either because he’s been talking about having to go out of state for work during that week we’re gone. Wow! He is really really good at this lying shit, isn’t he? How convenient that he can’t go to Florida with us on our family vacation! How convenient that he is suddenly working out of town. And once again I’m feeling bad and like I’m letting him down while he’s making plans to fuck his whore cousin.

Let’s just pray everything works out and he finally gets fixed.  It’s really starting to affect the kids.  Rock Star would like her father to be present and she doesn’t feel that he is.  Picasso needs a strong role model and Zack is busy hiding in his room.  I’m pretty much at the point where I’m ready to hire everything out and just accept the fact that he will never be a companion to me.  I love him but after 21 years with him I think that’s just not enough.  He’ll never be whole.  The sad part is I think that during his time with Harley he was whole; he was happy.  It was probably all the fantasy aspect of it; reality wasn’t a part of their relationship.  Nonetheless, that’s what he could be and I’ll never be enough to bring that out in him. Sadly, there are still times I believe that to be true. I just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t the right person. 20+ years together, 2 kids, numerous moves across the country, starting my life over again and again to help him advance his career… and I wasn’t the right person. The whore is.

Funny isn’t it that Jezebel tells him he deserves so much better than me?  I think I deserve a husband that wants to be a partner.  I deserve a husband that wants to be a companion.  I deserve a husband that wants to share life with me and not sit up in his room drinking all the time.  I deserve a husband to laugh with and do things with and to help me raise our family. That was one of the few moments of clarity you had, Sam; too bad you didn’t run with that and get the hell out. I don’t get any of that.  I am so hoping that these meds work and that his mood changes around.  I’m hoping that this therapy helps because I don’t know how much more I have in me.  I feel myself pulling away; I feel us drifting apart.  And I feel myself beginning to sink in that dark hole again.  I will do my best to focus on the good, focus on the beauty, but I can’t make promises.