Feeling better today. And I’ve made some progress. Yesterday I finally removed all of her pictures in my contacts. I had her picture up for his nephew, Pastor Fake and Jezebel still. Since I was beginning to talk to Tammy Faye more I had already replaced that one. I kept her number in but deleted her picture and have her in my contacts as Kim. I started to delete most of my entries on Facebook and then just decided to deactivate that account. I’m even considering reaching out to Jezebel with a friend request. CONSIDERING. It’s not a done deal.
I am finally starting to realize what Shawn the Wife means when she talks about not pain shopping and focusing on your own happiness. Tracking her down and seeing what she was up to, trying to interpret events (her hair is longer and darker, she’s lost weight- does this mean she’s involved with my husband again? Is she getting a divorce? etc.), seeing how she was interacting with my in-laws, did nothing for me except make me crazy. Honestly, I know that I have given her more head space than she will ever give me. I know my in-laws will never turn their back on her and I need to let that go. Somehow try to find a way to focus on us and our relationship. I doubt it will ever be the same. I was re-reading some old entries when I was deleting stuff and I came across the one that finally nailed down what it was that made everything so hard. I loved them. I considered them family. But when it came down to it I wasn’t the one they rallied around. I was disposable. I loved them all just like they were my original family and then I found out I didn’t mean anything to them if I didn’t mean anything to Zack. I felt like they were my family; they felt like I was Zack’s wife and everything about our relationship was based on that. So, I think I can navigate some sort of relationship with them while understanding that it doesn’t really mean anything. It makes things more peaceful at home.
Hell, I’ll even forgive Blockhead and his snooping ways.
As for Jezebel, well, I don’t trust her and any relationship we will end up having will be extremely superficial. I can be cordial. I can do holidays. But I won’t be willing to do things with her on our own. I won’t confide in her or let her in on my family life. I can be FB friends but honestly I’ll probably unfollow her because I don’t want to see her bi-weekly profile and cover picture changes or hear about her fabulous life with her very best friend and soul mate. If the kids choose to be friendly that’s great but I won’t be facilitating it. I’ll just caution them that these are people they’ll see maybe once a year and if Jezebel and Husband #3 ever divorce they’ll be out of their lives forever. Enjoy it but don’t get too close. Oh, and the biggie, remember to NEVER EVER trust her.
This way is just so much more peaceful. It’s hard sometimes to sustain rage and I’m over it.
Thinking about everything that has been happening lately I realized just how much I love Zack, how entwined our lives are. I’ve spent almost half of my life with him. It’s not just about the two of us. It’s about us and everything that we have built over the last 21 years. I don’t want to lose that.
I am hopeful that this is the year our anniversary offers up no triggers. I’ve even been thinking about renewing our vows.
Present Day Sam Says: Oh, Sam, you stupid, stupid, stupid woman. You so badly wanted everything to be ok even though your gut was undoubtedly screaming the truth to you. You were too trusting.
Now that I’m done scolding myself I want to say I always find these later entries so painful. I was finally over it and just as I recover he goes and does it again, assuming, of course, that it ever truly ended. I ate so much shit so that everything could go back to the way that it was and it turns out it was all in vain.