I’m still waiting on the judge’s decision so nothing new from me right now. I have a lot of posts in my drafts section but they are all about things I don’t want to publish until after the divorce. Maybe I’ll loosen up a little as time goes by if I have to wait much longer. Strangely, I’m not really nervous. I’m expecting the worst and hoping for the best.
Doing a bit better today. I should probably stay off of Facebook for a while because all of these anniversary announcements make me sad. For 2 years I wanted to be able to shout it out: Happy Anniversary to the love of my life! But he ruined that. Every year when it rolled around I couldn’t do it. I was hoping this year would be different. I think that it probably would have been. I was pretty much healed. And now…. well, now it’s just over. There won’t be a 21st anniversary. Oh, technically we’ll be married 21 years at the time of our divorce. But I won’t count it. Not when he’s out fucking his whore. And then you have the memories they share with you. A year ago today I was talking about Picasso commenting on Zack playing football “back in the day”. And 2 years ago I posted a meme about him having an awesome wife. I wrote: And he knows it, don’t you? To which he replies: I do. Of course I do! Just fucking heartbreaking stuff.
I took the kids out to dinner last night. Rock Star tells me she’s terrified of her dad. Why she’s not exactly sure but she is. She’s afraid he’s going to hit me. She wants to start up a hate page about the whore. Tonight she said he wouldn’t care if they didn’t spend Father’s Day with him or not because he would be too busy with his other kids. I find that sad. I also find it extremely hypocritical. He’s been so busy criticizing my one brother for walking away from his daughter and yet what does he do? He’s planning on moving away to be with his whore and her kids. She really hates him.
I did try to remind them of the good times they’ve had with him. Unfortunately those good times are all clouded over now by his lies and his behavior. Picasso said he didn’t recall his dad going to Disneyland with us. And then he made a comment that he was probably all excited about it because he knew he was moving to our new state soon to be with his girlfriend.
He’s worried that I’m going to have to get a job. He told me he likes having me here. He’s not fond of his dad either. I think with him it’s more of a disappointment.
They were giving me their list of requirements for a new dad, not that I’ll ever remarry. Rock Star wants me to marry someone rich. Picasso wants me to marry someone who will be involved because, as he puts it, “I’ve never had an involved dad.” He was sad when I told him I wouldn’t ever remarry; that’s when he brought up the job. I guess maybe he thinks that if I remarry I won’t have to go back to work.
Every day brings new questions. My mom googled whether or not you could get a home loan using only spousal support. The answer was yes but you had to show a divorce decree and have been receiving it consistently for a year. So…. looks like I’m not going anywhere for over a year. I may get lucky and be able to move into a rental place if it’s someone a friend of mine here knows. Otherwise, I’m screwed with that as well! So if his next company offers him a house buyout he may not be able to take it. Take that, you bastard!
Every day brings new twinges of sadness, things you don’t always think about. Yesterday I was driving somewhere, maybe to dinner, I suddenly thought to myself: Our house isn’t going to be decorated for Christmas this year. At least not on the outside. He always did that. And then my next thought was: Of course, I’m sure he’ll decorate hers.
I try to feel the feelings and then move on quickly because it doesn’t help to dwell. Sometimes I am enraged when I think about all that he is taking away from us. Then I tell myself: You have a great opportunity to reinvent yourself and your life with your kids. Create some new traditions. You are no longer going to be brought down by his behavior and his moods.
More and more I’m realizing just how incredibly selfish and self centered he is, and always was. It was always about him and the amazing thing is if you asked him he would tell you it was never about him. No, it was always about him. His moods, his wants, his needs, his peace, his quiet, his feelings. Don’t talk while Dad is watching tv. He doesn’t want to have to pause the damn television show. Don’t tell him you’re mad. Don’t tell him you’re sad. Don’t tell him something doesn’t work. Hell, I told him I hated the fact that everyone in his damn family still kept in touch with his whore and his response was: I can’t control what they do. God forbid he do anything difficult! I told my mom today that I was pretty close to being done when he bought that bourbon after his psychiatrist appointment. And when he stopped therapy. I know that aside from the money I am going to be so much better off without him. Even if I never have another single date. Even if I never fall in love again.