Feeling Sorry For the Soul-less

I am an idiot. I truly am. But I’m getting better!

As I sat in that courtroom over a week ago I felt myself feeling bad for Cousinfucker. I think it might have been when his attorney asked him why he married me and he replied that he thought he had found someone who accepted him, someone who loved him despite all his issues. At that moment I felt like I had failed. He had married me because I loved him and accepted him, warts and all, and then I let him down. I didn’t do enough. I didn’t love him hard enough. I wasn’t accepting enough. I didn’t try hard enough. I had failed him as a wife somehow despite all of my good intentions back on December 10th, 1994.

I bought into it, folks. I listened as he choked up. I watched as he sat at his table, wringing his hands. I fell for it. I felt bad. I thought to myself, “This is what we’ve come to. Twenty-three years after meeting and this is how it ends. I once loved this person. I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted to raise a family with him. I was his partner. His biggest cheerleader. His constant support. What the hell happened?”

At one point I even thought to myself, “I’ve broken him down enough. I can feel content with whatever the judge rules.”

I felt bad for him when he talked about his crappy car and how he couldn’t get a loan because his credit was crap. I felt bad when he talked about not being able to get another VA loan unless he repaid them the $76,000 they had to pay to cover the loss on our house. I felt bad for him when he talked about not being able to cope, needing a support system, his sick mom, and not being able to find another job that paid as well as his old one. I felt bad for him when he said he had applied for over 60 jobs and was turned down for many of them because he “made too much money” and they couldn’t meet his salary demands. I even felt bad about the fact that he was going to be left with pretty much nothing in his retirement because he was going to have to use most of it to pay his arrears to me and might end up having to pay another $10,000 or more to me in legal fees.

Then I got over it. He’s so very good at making himself into a victim that even when you’ve been there every step of the way you can still sometimes be sucked into it.

Let’s start with the obvious. He chose this for himself. He chose to have an affair. He knew he would lose half. He should have known it wasn’t going to be cheap. And yet for months he and Harley spent like drunken sailors on shore leave. I will repeat that he handed over approximately $5000 PER MONTH to her with no bills on his part. I am the one who paid the mortgage, the phone bill, the marital debt, the car payment, the car insurance, and the utilities. His money went for frivolous things for the whore and her kids. They lived large while my kids and I pinched pennies. FIVE GRAND! She bought Vera Bradley crap, spent it at the sporting goods store, bought a $300 dress for her daughter, spent $800 on Christmas gifts, ate out, paid her utilities, installed DirecTV, paid for glasses for the entire family, went on vacation, paid for her divorce… hell, they lived it up.

That’s not even taking into consideration the almost $6200 worth of stock he cashed in, or the $5000 loan he took out on his 401k. All of that gone! That paid for the new puppies he bought her kids and the $4200 engagement ring he bought the whore.

Hey, do you think that if instead of handing over every penny to the whore he actually saved some of that he might not be in the situation he’s in now? As my mom said, “He should have bought himself a damn new car when he had $5000 a month to blow!” Exactly!

He would have had more money if he hadn’t watched a damn pool being constructed in our backyard the entire time he was carrying on with Harley. He could have stopped it when the contractor told us it would cost an extra $11k to excavate the boulders from our yard. He didn’t. He kept up the charade. He could have stopped me from spending the extra on the stamped concrete and the lights in the concrete. He didn’t. He kept up the charade. He kept up that charade to the tune of $57,000! Funny thing about that…

I told him the money I had placed in the separate account was supposed to go towards paying off the pool. I gave him a bill for his half of the household expenses. He didn’t want to listen or comply. Oh no! He wanted to give Harley five grand a month. He wanted to cut off me and his kids. No way to buy groceries? Oh well! Use the money you took, the money that has been set aside to pay for that pool. So instead of splitting $30,000+ we got to split $15,000+. That’s all on him. Not that it would have made much of a difference. I’m sure even if he had done it the way I wanted he still wouldn’t have any of that money left because Harley does indeed spend it like water, just as The Saint told me.

Here’s another fact. According to our temporary support order he was to pay off the pool with the bonus money and then we were to split the remainder. Guess which one of us still had that $8085 in their account come June when he was forced to resign and which one of us had blown through every penny. Can you guess? Can you? If you said, “I think it was Sam that still had the money,” then you would be absolutely correct!

Where did all of his money go? It sure didn’t go to pay child support. I’m thinking that $8000 might have bought a pretty nice used car. But instead it all went to Harley and her kids. Now he has the sadz because he can’t buy a car.

I find it very interesting that he whines that I spent every dime he ever made and he had nothing to show for it, and she whines that The Saint spent her into bankruptcy three times, and yet when you put the two financial geniuses together they have a whopping $165 in their joint bank account right before Christmas. I’m thinking maybe I’m not the problem…

The nitwit had $5000 to spend every month and still he charged thousands of dollars on his American Express.Then he didn’t pay the bill because he blew through all his money!

When you get right down to it he and Harley lived it up like there was no tomorrow and now their note is being called in; it’s time for them to pay up. It’s going to hurt. A lot. Because he hasn’t done the right thing one damn time for the last two plus years.

If that’s not enough to make you say, “Hell no I won’t feel sorry for him! He brought it all upon himself!” then let’s try this on for size.

He and his whore moved from her trashy home into an upscale house with a community pool and clubhouse. It looks almost identical to the house he forced his own children to flee. They voluntarily took on this new, higher rent payment and the supposed higher utility bills, and now everyone is supposed to feel sorry for him. They’ve also voluntarily put over $1000 in repairs to this rental in exchange for reductions in rent or pet deposits. Hey, guess who’s problem that is? Not mine! He chose that. Maybe he shouldn’t have bought Harley and her kids two new dogs.

Between the two of them they bring home over $11,000/month. I don’t know what her bills were like before she began shacking up with my husband, but I can tell you CF hasn’t paid a single marital bill since I busted his sorry ass. He hasn’t paid any bill associated with me since I busted his sorry ass. I also know that according to him in his sworn testimony he was completely financially supported by his whore, which makes me think she makes enough money to cover all of their household bills. That makes his earnings extra. Play money, if you will. Additionally, he has dropped over $3500/month in bills, at a minimum. And still he cries poverty. Maybe, and I’m just spitballing here, maybe they shouldn’t have taken on such an expensive home when he had a substantial support payment to make. The utilities seem to be killing them. Find yourself a nice little 3 bedroom apartment. I bet they’d save a lot of money that way. I know. I’m such a helper.

As my attorney pointed out, he has plenty of money. He just prioritizes everything over me and his kids.

If it’s true that he can’t get a higher paying job due to the area then that, too, is his own fault. He could move me and our kids all around the country but suddenly he needs to stay in one place. He tries to make it sound like it’s because his “support system” is there, but as my attorney declared in court, “You don’t want to leave your girlfriend.” So the kids and I are supposed to do without because he wants to get laid on a regular basis. Again, feel real sorry for him.

That 401k he cashed in? That supposedly went to his stepfather to pay him back. Pastor Fake and Tammy Faye haven’t had an extra dime to their name in 20 years. I find it terribly hard to believe they loaned him any money. Again, as my lawyer pointed out, if his story is true he chose to pay back Pastor Fake instead of sending a dime of support money to his children. Hey- maybe he should have bought a car!

I admit it. I fall for it initially. I feel bad because he has almost no retirement. I feel bad because his car is falling apart and he can’t get a loan. I feel bad because his kids won’t talk to him. I feel bad because he might end up having to pay a substantial amount of my legal bills. I feel bad for him because he can’t pay his own legal bills. I feel bad for him because the tax implications of what he has done are going to end up costing him an arm and a leg.

And then I get over it. Not because I’m a cold hearted bitch but because in every circumstance he brought it upon himself.

That car of his that is falling apart now? It had low, low mileage on it until he chose to start his affair with Harley. Driving 600 miles round trip every weekend for 6 months will put some definite wear and tear on your car. According to his court testimony he moved in with Harley when he moved so he was actually commuting the two hours each way to work for the four months he had a job. That’s another great way to put plenty of miles on your car. And now you want me to feel sorry for you because your car suddenly has over 100,000 miles on it? I don’t think so.

He voluntarily left his great paying job of 15 years so he could get closer to his whore. He tried to convince the judge he moved because he was forced to, but as I always like to point out the order said vacate the marital residence OR pay $750/month in rent. Or. It’s a very important word. It also said nothing about quitting his job and moving out of the damn state.

I would still have money in the bank if he had not lost his job and basically said, “Sayonara!” And get this- I still had money in the bank despite the fact that I was paying 100% of the household bills on roughly 66% of his paycheck. Granted, for that short period of time he was only keeping about $3200 of his check. Before you cry too many tears for him keep in mind he had no bills either. Maybe he had to pay his phone bill, but aside from that- no bills. His car was paid off. I was paying his car insurance. I was left with all of the marital debt to pay. And he was living with his whore of a girlfriend so no apartment or utilities of his own.

He had no nest egg because he and Harley played and played and played with all that money he brought in. He didn’t save a damn thing. He left restricted stock behind; he could be cashing in close to $10,000 a year for the next four years. He’d have to split it with me, of course, but after that, it would all be his. He blew through the money he got from selling his remaining stock. He blew through $5000 and then $3000 a month plus his $8000 bonus. He chose that course of action. He took vacations and bribed kids and spoiled a whore. Now it’s time to pay the piper. It must really suck.

I feel bad about him no longer having any kind of retirement, too, but again that is all on him. I didn’t tell him to take out a $5000 loan on his 401k to buy Harley an engagement ring. Why in the fuck did he need to take a loan out on his 401k anyway? He had FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH to just play with. He had just cashed in almost $6200 worth of stock. I saw the receipts for the damn ring. It cost $4200. So why did he need an additional $5000 loan? I sure as hell didn’t tell him it would be a great idea to quit his damn job before he paid the loan off. That cost him in taxes and penalties, I’m sure.

He voluntarily cashed in his other 401k. He didn’t use it to pay support. He used it for God only knows what. Probably more trinkets for the whore and her kids. More trips. More fun. And now let’s everyone feel sorry for him. Nope. Not going to do it.

I don’t think there’s any way around him taking a big chunk out of his 401k for the first set of arrears. He could have mitigated the damage, though. He could have worked a part time job; he was in full-time treatment for less than a week and then went down to half days and then even less often than that. I worked two jobs. I worked retail. I worked jobs that didn’t require a college education. Why couldn’t he? Oh, that’s right. He didn’t want to. Would it have covered his entire support obligation. No, he’d still be behind but he wouldn’t have owed $28,800. He could have sent me something all along. He could have asked a family member or his whore. “Hey, you all encouraged me to leave her. Can you help a fellow out, please?”

When he was forced to resign he was paid around $4000 for that month. He kept every penny. Didn’t send me anything. That would have alleviated his burden. He chose to hand it over to Harley and her kids.

He definitely could have avoided the second set. He got a new job. He chose to put everyone and everything before me and the kids. Had he told his whore, “Hey- I’ve got this new job and I know it seems like I’m bringing in good money again, but keep in mind I owe Sam over half of my paycheck so we need to budget based on what I have left over after I pay her,” then he wouldn’t need to take yet another huge chunk out of what is left of his 401k. I still think Harley wanted her $5k that she had grown accustomed to and so he gave me whatever was left over after she had her fill.

There would also be more had he not taken considerably more than he needed to pay me my first set of arrears. Remember, he owed me $28,000 and took out $50,000. Even with the taxes he still had over $12,000 left. I’m sure he spent lavishly on the whore and her kids once again. So guess what? Those feelings of sympathy are quickly fading away.

It’s the same thing with his legal bills and all the tax implications he may be facing come tax time. These are all things he’s brought upon himself. He chooses to play first and then worry about bills. He is obviously adopting Tammy Faye’s philosophy of letting the Lord provide. He must have forgotten that the Lord provided by having him pay for Tammy Faye’s financial mishaps. He doesn’t have a Cousinfucker around to pay his bills. Jezebel isn’t going to do it. She’s all about herself and what she wants. Tammy Faye and Pastor Fake can’t do it. I don’t see Blockhead taking away from his own family to give to his alcoholic “best friend” that made him look like an ass at his company. And Harley won’t do it because she thought she had found herself a sugar daddy. She’s not looking to support another husband. She wants him contributing to her lavish lifestyle.

Furthermore, if he hadn’t been such a colossal dick about everything I wouldn’t have the legal bills I have. The bill my lawyer submitted to the courts totaled $19,000. It didn’t include the expert witness (over $5000) or my first attorney’s fees (approximately $2500) and I’m not sure it included the trial (9.5 hours at $250/hour- not a cheap day).

He’s the one that chose to move out of state and quit his job without saying a word to me, letting me just guess as to what was going on and whether or not he planned to ever pay another dime in support.

He’s the one that then lost his new job due to drinking repeatedly at work. It came out during court he had been warned upwards of ten times!

He’s the one that chose to keep me in the dark about what was going on when he lost his job. From June until January, piecing together what little bits of information I was given via lawyers, I thought he had been readmitted to the psych ward. It wasn’t until January of this year that I found out he had checked himself into the VA for alcohol treatment. It was around that time that I also found out he hadn’t been in full time. He was there for about 3 days and then did outpatient.

He never bothered to keep me informed. He never bothered to send even a hundred dollars our way. He never bothered to respond to my email letting him know we had moved. He never asked about the kids. He never told me he was looking for a job and would try to send money. We were never a thought for him.

He had no intentions of trying to make a good faith offer. He offered up $700/month in spousal support for 9 1/2 years and didn’t want to pay even table support for his children.

So yes, he can help pay my legal bills.

I think he fared pretty well in our property settlement. I still believe he got away with a lot of shit he shouldn’t have. For starters he got to count the $27,000 I took to support our children when he tried to financially strangle us, against me. The tens of thousands of dollars he walked away from in restricted stock was never even addressed. Even though everything else (money spent on Harley, the stock cashed in, the arrears) was accounted for in the final tally he got to roll everything into the 401k and add and subtract from that. I have no doubt he’ll whine to everyone that he had to take on almost all of the debt. He’ll forget to add on the part where I had to pay him for 50% of that debt, and that the 50% I paid was the debt that was on paper. It wasn’t what he ended up settling the debt for.

Don’t even get me started on his kids not talking to him! He brought all of that shit on himself. I told him in no uncertain terms that his daughter would refuse to have anything to do with either of us if we cheated. I knew this for a fact.

The summer of ’13 when he was, unbeknownst to me, still carrying on his affair with Harley, Rock Star and I went to the gym together. She told me afterwards that a guy there had scared her. I asked her what had happened, thinking maybe someone had yelled at her or been mean to her. It turned out some guy who “looked like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson” had smiled at her. Scary, I know! So I jokingly told her, “If some guy that looked like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson smiled at me I’d be saying, ‘Hello there!’ and smiling right back!”

She was appalled! “Mom, if you ever cheated on my dad I would never speak to you again! I’d go live with him. I wouldn’t have anything to do with you.”

Knowing about his dalliance with Harley (which I thought was over) I asked what would happen if her dad cheated. She told me it would be the same thing. She’d have nothing to do with him and would live with me.

I told him about this conversation after he was busted later that summer. I told him that and I told him that Rock Star would have hated Harley and would never have gotten along with her kids. He knew all that. He even admitted that both kids were much closer to me than to him. Yet he still chose to have another affair with her. He chose to abandon his children to be with her.

He’s the one that couldn’t be bothered to talk to his kids when he lived in the same house. He’s the one that has chosen not to drive to see his kids even one time since he left town in February of 2016. He’s the one that spent hundreds, if not thousands, on kids that didn’t belong to him while spending nothing on his own flesh and blood. He’s the one that couldn’t be bothered to do things with or for his own kids while he trips over himself to prove what a great dad he is to the whore’s kids. He’s the one that has chosen to focus on himself each and every time he texts his daughter, and he’s the one that has chosen to basically ignore his son. He’s the one that has orchestrated all of this. Turns out he’s a horrible conductor.

Each time I start to feel sorry for him and his current circumstances I need to think about myself last year around this time. I was working two jobs, 16 hours a day some days. I went in at 2 and 3 in the morning. I was barely making ends meet and if not for my mother the kids and I would have been homeless. I went in to work at 4 am on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day was simply my first day off in 21 days; there was no joy. I’d get to turn around and work another 6 days in a row when the New Year’s Day holiday would give me another day off.

I need to think about all the times I cried because I had no idea what was going on. Way back in February of 2016 when he moved out of state without a word to us. June of 2016 when he simply told me he had lost his job and wouldn’t be sending me anymore money. I cried every day for damn near a year because of him and his choices, so if he’s feeling a little down now because consequences are finally catching up to him then too damn bad!

I need to think about the utter chaos he has brought into my kid’s lives. I need to picture them both when I had to tell them their dad and I were getting a divorce and he had a girlfriend; I need to remember how they burst into tears. I need the image of Rock Star’s face seared into my brain when I had to break the news to her that we would have to move. Again. I need to remind myself of how unhappy she was for the first four months or so after we moved, and how devastated she was when she discovered she couldn’t get her license on time. All thanks to her dear old dad who was living it up with his whore and her kids. I need to remember all the times I had to tell them I couldn’t do something for them. Couldn’t buy something for them. Couldn’t be there for something for them. All because he decided he could do better.

I have had a conversation with Picasso recently where he said he would be willing to meet with his dad if his dad actually made an effort. If his dad showed up where he lived he would go with him because that, to him, would show effort; he would not turn him away. He would be willing to listen and spend time with him. Texting him, sending him a gift with a message, sending him a card, or posting on Facebook aren’t acts of effort according to him.

I have seriously mulled over the idea of contacting him and letting him know this. I’ve also considered letting him know about Rock Star’s upcoming cheer competition.

Here’s what trips me up. I don’t think he really cares. I honestly don’t. I think he said what he needed to say to not look like a complete ass in court. I don’t think he gives these kids one fucking thought. For all of his fake tears and supposed remorse they are not at the forefront of his mind. I think letting him know any of this would basically be begging him to show an interest in them. I’m not sure it would do any good and I would hate for them to ever find out he’s been given chance after chance to be a part of their lives and he’s declined each and every invitation. I think he likes to use them as a chance to play the victim. It’s a great way for everyone to feel sorry for him because his mean ex-wife has alienated his children against him and he loves them and misses them so much. He has done nothing to be a part of his kids’ lives. He did nothing when he lived with them. He has done nothing now. He moved out of the fucking state without saying a word to them. He didn’t let them know he was moving out of the house, much less moving 6 or 7 hours away. He doesn’t text regularly. He doesn’t call. He has never once bothered to drive to see his kids since moving out.

I saw a very powerful comment on Chump Lady today which relates to this. I think it’s worth repeating and definitely worth taking to heart:

…I look at the now ex’s life through my own lens. I see his world and life how I would see and feel it. I can’t imagine how it would feel to be him and have lost everything that I hold dear. But there is where the fault in my viewpoint is. These are things I hold dear. Not the ex. I see life through my empathy, my values, my happiness. He doesn’t see his life this way.

Wise words and they are ones I will remember.

In the end he did this to himself. He chose this. He listened to everyone he had previously said didn’t care about him and he took their advice. He listened to Blockhead who was never around. He listened to Tammy Faye and Pastor Fake, two people who couldn’t manage money if you gave them detailed instructions. He listened to Jezebel, his sister who repeatedly tried to marry up and who never really lost anything in any of her divorces. All of them told him he deserved to be happy and that I was the root cause of his unhappiness. I’m sure they all told him that he wouldn’t take much of a hit financially. Hell, I know his mom thought I couldn’t possibly take everything. Blockhead divorced after seven years of marriage; there was no alimony because his wife worked as well and there was no child support because there were no children. Jezebel never had to worry about paying any kind of support, and she didn’t worry too much about what kind of a settlement she would get because she was always trading in one husband for another. All of them tell him what he wants to hear instead of hitting him with the cold hard truth. These are the people with whom he surrounds himself. Stupid, stupid move. I don’t feel sorry for him at all. He wanted this; he got it. If he’s not happy with his new and improved life that’s not my problem. And this time? I’m really and truly believing it.

P.S. While he has been ordered to pay me $4600/month which is a huge chunk of his check that amount will only be in effect for six months. Rock Star turns 18 and graduates in June. He will end up with another $600-$900 in his pocket after that. I, on the other hand, will still have Rock Star living with me. I’ll still be paying her phone bill and her car insurance. I’ll be the one arranging travel to wherever she decides to attend college. If she goes to her first choice I will be on the hook for several expensive airline tickets a year. I’ll still be the one she asks for money while she’s away at school. I’ll still have her on my expensive work health insurance. My bills for her won’t decrease much, if at all, but CF will have more money in his pocket.

I know this is three years into the future but once Picasso graduates he will be down to paying $2800/month. Period. I will have two children in college at that time. They will still be needing things. I will still be paying for phones and car insurance and health insurance. I will be completely surprised if he does a damn thing for either of them, even without having to pay child support.

8 thoughts on “Feeling Sorry For the Soul-less

  1. I hope you are still blogging next year and you share how your daughter is doing in college. Part of what keeps me going is how happy my daughter is at her university. Listening to her talk about her new friends and activities in such glowing terms at the Thanksgiving table made my cares melt away. I could in those moments feel how all the laughter, tears, arguments, eye-rolling, door slams and hugs for 17 years were paying off in her becoming more independent, brave and prepared for life outside her childhood home. Those airline tickets are killers. From a medium sized southern US city to Philly I paid $715 round trip for her to be home for 5 days.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I intend to keep blogging.

      $715?!?! OMG! I’ll be flying the kid from the west coast practically to the midwest. Chicago isn’t too far away though so hopefully she can get some good fares! I think we paid $500 this summer to fly her out there, although not to the city her first pick is in.


  2. The fact that you can find even an ounce of pity for him (even momentarily) says EVERYTHING about who you are. You have such a kind heart. You are a deeply good person and it shows in everything you write. Even the depth of your anger shows how strong your love was. I wouldn’t remind him about anything regarding the kids. He’s a big enough boy to tear his world down, then he’s big enough to rebuild it. If he truly wanted to know or be there, he could find the information out from the kids. Or hell our school has all the events right on their website. You’ve done everything you could do and more. Enjoy the victory!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I still haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to say anything to him. Some days I feel like throwing him a bone. At least I can say, “Hey- I tried. I have not in any way stood in his way. I’ve even tried to smooth a path for him.” Other days I feel like there’s no point and exactly like you said, he could talk to the kids and find this stuff out.


  3. Its funny Sam, my STBX sucks me in with the poor me routine at times too. But then I step back and say – No I do not feel sorry for either one of us. we are both living the life our choices delivered us. And I’m happy with mine. If he isn’t – well he should have made better choices.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh wow, he only offered $700/month in spousal support? hahaha I’m so glad he has to pay your legal fees!!! Shaking my head. He really thinks, for lack of a better phrase, that his shit don’t stink.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh yes, Whitney; he offered a generous $700/month in spousal support and $800/month in child support. $1500/month to be paid until both kids graduated high school, and then he would continue with the $700 for 9.5 years. Instead he’ll be paying me $2800/month for 16 years and $1800 for child support for at least the next 6 months. Sometimes patience really pays off.


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