All Of Me

I’ve written before about the song “All Of Me”. That was the song I deemed “our” song back in 2014. The summer of 2013 was the summer of Pink’s “Just Give Me A Reason”. It was a silent plea to restore our marriage and to give us another chance as a couple. We’re not broken; we’re just bent. Yeah, about that…

The following summer came John Legend’s ode to his bride, “All Of Me”. That was our new song. We were better. We were fixed. We were stronger than ever. Loving. Affectionate. Running errands together. He loved all of me, all my curves and all my edges, all my perfect imperfections. I loved that song. It was haunting and beautiful. Who wouldn’t want to be someone’s muse? The love he feels for his wife pours out of that song. I thought that was us.

The summer after that had no theme song. Just a cold, cruel discovery that I had been completely duped. Duped into moving across the country. Duped into ripping my kids’ lives apart. Duped into believing him.

Those days are two years in the past but I can still remember them like they were yesterday. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely function. I had enough brain power to play Candy Crush, write, and watch TV.

The day came that I was laying on the couch, watching Baby Daddy, when Brad proposed to Bonnie by singing “All Of Me” in a flash mob. I couldn’t do it. I had to fast forward through it because it was just too painful to listen to that song. It was like a knife in the gut, torturing me. Here was this song I loved and I couldn’t bear to hear it anymore.

Until only recently I couldn’t listen to that song. I would cringe when it came on at work and there was no way to change the station. If I was in the car I would change the station. I skipped by it on my iPod. Then I decided I wasn’t going to let that jackass take one more thing from me. And then the mobster sent a YouTube link to me. He likes to send me song lyrics that remind him of me and of us. It was that song.

What would I do without your smart mouth?

Drawing me in and you kicking me out

Got my head spinning,

no kidding, I can’t pin you down

What’s going on in that beautiful mind

I’m on your magical mystery ride

And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me,

but I’ll be alright

My head’s under water

but I’m breathing fine

You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me

Loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I’ll give my all to you

You’re my end and my beginning

Even when I lose I’m winning

‘Cause I give you all of me

And you give me all of you

How many times do I have to tell you

Even when you’re crying

you’re beautiful too?

The world is beating you down,

I’m around through every mood

You’re my downfall,

you’re my muse

My worst distraction

My rhythm and blues

I can’t stop singing, it’s

ringing, in my head for you

My head’s under water

but I’m breathing fine

You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me

Loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I’ll give my all to you

You’re my end and my beginning

Even when I lose I’m winning

‘Cause I give you all of me

And you give me all of you

Oh, Give me all of you

Cards on the table, we’re

both showing hearts

Risking it all,

though it’s hard

‘Cause all of me

Loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I’ll give my all to you

You’re my end and my beginning

Even when I lose I’m winning

‘Cause I give you all, all of me

And you give me all, all of you

I give you all, all of me

And you give me all,

all of you, oh

So now that’s one of our songs. It no longer reminds me of CF and our relationship. It reminds me of my mobster.

When we were at the beach he turned on his playlist and that song began playing. We danced in the hotel room and smiled as we gazed into each other’s eyes. I know; I know. We’re sickeningly sweet. People have been known to barf around us. Nonetheless, I got a bit teary eyed listening to that song with him. I told him in a choked up voice, “Thank you for giving me that song back. I really loved it.”

When I vowed to not let that asshole who stole 20+ years of my life from me take one more thing from me I thought I’d be able to listen to some of my favorite songs again. That was it; that was the main goal. The mobster, on the other hand, had different plans for me. He actually gave me that song back. He made it mean something again. No longer does that song make me think of CF and our shitty marriage that I thought was all shiny and new and repaired after infidelity. It makes me think about my mobster. It makes me think about our relationship- one that is new and shiny, one where the future is bright because it hasn’t been marred by cheating and lies. It’s not a song trying to convince me we’ll be okay after a horrible betrayal. It’s a song from a man who is telling me he loves all of me; he’ll give his all to me. I inspire him. And that is what that song should have meant all along.

P.S. In case anyone was left wondering, I feel the exact same way about the mobster.

One thought on “All Of Me

  1. To this day I cannot listen to that song. It came out around the time of my husband affair and he listened to it alot in the car. I asked him one day if it was “their” song….he looked down and was silent. I actually liked that song until then. Wonder if I’ll ever be able to listen to it again since it will randomly come on the radio and I will immediately change it.

    Like

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