Ah, my first official post in 2018. This may not be the first one posted but it is the first one written.
So what am I up to on this exciting Friday night? Nothing much really. I’m sitting here, responding to people on Facebook, planning my weekend, and trying to write a post.
I’m also thinking about the fact that it is Friday night and as of about 20 minutes ago (it’s 10:18 right now) I have seen my daughter for the first time since Tuesday.
You may be asking yourself why that is. I will tell you. I went to work on Wednesday. She left to go to work before I got home from my job. I went to bed before she got home. Thursday I went to work. She was home all day long and then went with her cheerleading team to some team bonding event all night. She left before I got home and was gone all night. Today I went to work. She had a basketball game to cheer at and she left before I got home. Had I gone to bed before 10 I wouldn’t have seen her until tomorrow. Life as a working mom can sometimes suck. Big time.
It’s time like this that I really start to feel immense anger towards CF. My kids were used to having their mom around. My kids’ activities didn’t affect the amount of time I got to see them because I was home when they were home. If they were gone all evening it was okay because I had seen them earlier. He took that away from them. I can’t even say that it was for a great cause. I work to pay my bills. I’m not passionate about my job. I don’t think of it as a career. I leave my kids every day for $11.50/hour. I go three days without seeing my daughter because our lives are run completely opposite. When she’s home I’m at work; when I’m home she’s off doing her own thing.
I suppose I could be zen and tell myself that I’m merely prepping for next year when she’s away at college and I will go weeks, if not months, without seeing her. But it’s bullshit. This is her senior year. She’s still at home. I shouldn’t go three days without seeing my kid.
This is what he’s done to us. He’s taken my kids’ mother away from them. When people talk about divorce being no big deal, how they (the adult) is so much better off without that person, their new life is so much happier, these are the things they don’t think about. They don’t think about the kids who are used to having their parent around all the time, who can count on their parent to take them to school, pick them up, be there when their club or sport is finished, to be home with them during vacation or snow days. I used to fix my kids breakfast in the morning. I don’t do that anymore because it would require me to get up much earlier and my mornings are already chopped up, what with having to take one to school and then coming home to finish getting ready.
The mobster and I were talking about this on my morning commute today. I said that if I was still married I would be with my kids during their Christmas vacation. We’d probably be going off on some grand adventure while they were home. If either or both of them had something to do in the evening it wouldn’t be a big deal because I would have been home with them all day. I went on to say that I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now but they would be.
That was the consensus. Divorce has opened new doors for the two of us. We have found in each other what was lacking in our spouses. But it would have been better for our kids if we had stayed together. In his case, of course, it would have been better if BSC had gotten sober and they had stayed together.
I do realize that my kids will survive. They will be fine. It won’t kill them to have to fix their own breakfast and own lunch. It won’t kill Rock Star to have to help me out by transporting her brother back home. It won’t kill Picasso to have to do some dishes. That’s not the point, though. I never wanted this for them. It sucks that it has been foisted on them.
I’ll get over it. Tomorrow I’ll probably take them out to breakfast and plan my menu for the week and go grocery shopping and do laundry. It will be an amazing weekend! <<< That’s sarcasm. I hate laundry. But I do like breakfast, so that part will be okay.
They don’t seem any worse for wear. I’m just having a moment of self pity. I’ll get past it.