Stupid Divorce Laws

I wrote this earlier in December but still think it’s worth sharing.

I believe I have shared that in Virginia you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce if you have minor children. If you have major children (hahaha) or no children, the wait time is 6 months. There are exceptions for things like adultery, abandonment, maybe abuse. I’m not completely sure, although I do know you can be granted a divorce immediately for adultery. That’s the one that affected me so that’s the one I know for sure. It’s not easy to prove, of course, and you can’t simply show up in court, accuse your spouse of adultery and have them say, “Yep, I’m fucking my secretary (or the pool boy).” No, you must have irrefutable proof. I guess too many people were going that route to get their divorce in a more timely manner so they shot that down. It has to be a third person corroborating the adultery.

Their reasoning is that it prevents people from rushing down and filing for divorce after some petty argument and then later withdrawing the petition. I guess I can see that reasoning, although how many of you have heard of someone getting into an argument over leaving the cap off the toothpaste and then declaring, “That’s it, Stanley! I’m leaving you. I can’t take this capless toothpaste nonsense any longer!”? I don’t know if they have statistics that show divorce rates have fallen dramatically since they instituted this, and honestly, I don’t feel like Googling it.

What I do know is the only reason I was getting support all those months is because my lawyer could file for divorce, citing adultery, so that we could get in front of a judge and have temporary support ordered. For those who don’t have that “luxury” and who are dependent upon the working spouse, how on earth do they support themselves during that year? Granted, arrears are ordered so it would be beneficial for the person paying the support to at least pay something so they’re not hit with a huge payout when the divorce is finally filed, but some people are giant assholes and would be willing to take the hit to stick it to the other person. In my case, CF was voluntarily paying some support, but it wasn’t enough for us to live on.

Here’s another fun fact: even though I could have technically been granted a divorce on the basis of adultery (assuming I could meet the court’s burden of proof) I couldn’t get a property settlement until the one year waiting period was up. How dumb is that?

Also, in Virginia if you commit adultery and you would receive spousal support your spouse no longer has to pay it in most cases if he/she can prove the adultery. Naturally, it’s not as difficult to meet the court’s burden of proof for adultery to get out of paying spousal support as it is to get a divorce. I don’t have a problem with any of that.

I think that if you cheat you shouldn’t get rewarded with your betrayed, humiliated spouse having to pay to support you and your new partner. I am always appalled when I hear stories of (mostly) men who have wives that cheat on them and they then have to pay them substantial alimony after the divorce. It’s just not fair. No, it’s just not right.

This is the part that really gets me though. In Virginia you are married until you are no longer married. They have no legal separation. They define adultery as any sex between yourself and any person not your spouse. So during that one year waiting period? You can’t have sex with anyone else if you are going to be asking for spousal support. Or, at least you better hope you don’t get caught with irrefutable proof. Even after that one year waiting period is up and your papers are filed you are still considered to be committing adultery if you engage in sex with someone else.

At one point in my life I felt that way. I felt that you were married until you were no longer married. If you were separated you shouldn’t be dating. Of course, I felt that way when I was married and smug in my thinking that I wouldn’t ever be faced with that.

Here’s my reality: By his own admission in court, CF had started up his relationship once again with the whore by April or May of 2015. He was sending her money out of our joint checking account starting in June. He was definitely sleeping with her by July. He bought her an engagement ring in September. He quit his job of 15 years, moved out of state without saying a word, and moved in with her in February of 2016.

My papers were filed September 1st of 2015. We had temporary support orders in place by December. We were living in separate states by February of 2016. Our divorce hearing was scheduled for May of 2017. That’s almost 2 years since I learned about his affair. It is two years since he began his affair. I didn’t even know my mobster existed until a few weeks after my original court date. For damn near two years I navigated this whole sucky experience by myself. No one was around to tell me I was pretty or wonderful or amazing. No one told me I was incredibly strong or that they were proud of me for all I had gone through. I didn’t have a replacement husband lined up to support me, or to warm my bed, or even to simply tell me that everything was going to be okay and he would be by my side throughout this whole ordeal.

Cousinfucker can live with and get engaged to his dumb whore but if I have sex he can accuse me of adultery and try to get out of paying spousal support. All because we are married until we’re not. Even after divorce papers have been filed.

Our first divorce hearing was postponed because we had to review his expert witness and secure one of our own. Why? Because he was trying to get out of paying support– both spousal and child.

So now I have to wait until September before I’m divorced. But wait! We get kicked out of our courtroom for a jury trial so now it’s postponed until November.

This whole time he’s living with the whore. They’re having his family over for holidays, going to see her family. Shoot, let’s face it. There is no his and her family. They’re already related. He’s blasting it on Facebook that he’s in a relationship with her. She’s doing the same. They’ve got everyone telling them they look so happy and gosh darn it, you deserve it! He’s running off to support her kids while ignoring his own. They move into a new house together. But I’m supposed to be living a celibate life because I’m still his wife and he can accuse me of adultery.

I understand the letter of the law but does anyone else find this skewed in the cheater’s favor? I completely favor not rewarding a lying, cheating spouse who is sneaking around behind your back, gas lighting you, trying to convince you that you’re crazy and doing all sorts of horrible things to justify the behavior with spousal support. You wanna fuck around on your spouse? You better not need his or her money. But I think there’s a huge entitlement factor when you can cheat on your spouse and then demand that they be faithful to you.

I had no idea Harley was back in the picture when those two nitwits started up again. Cousinfucker spent the entire summer lying to me, humiliating me, deceiving me, and attempting to drain our financial resources on the whore. There is no way that Cousinfucker could possibly claim that our marriage was broken only when, and if, I began having sex with someone else. He was living with Harley, for crying out loud! This divorce had been in the works for almost two years by the time I even knew the mobster existed!

How very convenient for the cheater! If you just keep postponing your divorce hearing long enough your spouse may slip up by moving on and then you can get out of paying support!

On top of that my divorce hearing was November 3rd. I wasn’t officially divorced until the END of December. December 28th, to be exact. Very technically, if I were to have been having sex with someone and he could prove it up until the divorce was granted, he could have potentially re-opened our case and had spousal support thrown out. What a crock of shit! He had been having an affair for two and a half years. He had been living with the whore for almost two years. They’re engaged, y’all! Our divorce was filed over two years ago. Well, let me amend that. My original petition for divorce based on adultery was filed over two years ago. We didn’t prove it so while I did receive temporary support, I was not granted my divorce and would have to file again. I would have filed after our one year was up but Cousinfucker was pulling yet another crazy act out of his hat, and since he didn’t feel like he should communicate anything with me, his actual wife, during that period of time I had no idea what was going on. I thought he was back in the psych ward; I had no idea he had actually checked himself into the VA for alcohol treatment. Or that he was only in there for 3 days. So I waited. Our divorce hearing was supposed to take place in May but thanks to him crying wolf it was postponed another six months. A judgement had been rendered. My petition for divorce had been granted. We were just waiting on papers to be signed. He lives in Kentucky. I live in Indiana. There was no marriage here to speak of. I was certainly not leading him to believe I loved him and was devoted to our family. I wasn’t lying to him about where I was going or who I was texting. If I were to date he shouldn’t have been shocked; he’s living with another “woman” after all. Yet according to the laws in Virginia if I were to have had sex I was still committing adultery. Because according to Virginia law, there is no legal separation so I was still married.

Sorry, Virginia, but you need to move into the 21st century. Making couples wait a year before they can file is bad enough. I say this as a person who did not date right after separating and who had no desire to date.

As I said earlier, I can somewhat see it. They want you to make absolutely certain a divorce is what you want and they don’t want people filing and then withdrawing that petition over and over every time they get into a fight. Fine. I can even almost understand still being accused of adultery while you’re living separated for that year. The whole point is to make sure a divorce is what you really want. However, I think most people really want the divorce. I don’t think most people tend to file just for shits and giggles. Virginia is also really big on the two people living separately. They’ll accept living separately under the same roof but they don’t like it and have a bunch of rules you must adhere to. What they really want is for you to be physically separated. And once again we come to that fork in the road… you’re legally married but living separately and like a single person. So why this insincere cry of adultery?

I definitely think once those papers are filed you need to let it go! There shouldn’t be any possibility of some philandering spouse getting their feathers all ruffled because the betrayed spouse has moved on. For crying out loud- Cousinfucker was allowed to buy the whore and her kids whatever he wanted after our “separation” date. Once we separated his money was his to do with as he wished. Buy her an engagement ring? Check! Buy her kids new puppies? Check! Buy her daughter a ridiculously expensive dress for a school dance? Check! Blow through $30k in 4 months? Check! Any money put into his 401k his and his alone and not to be split up in the divorce? Check!

Why is it his finances are none of my business once we separate but my sex life is his business? If we’re married until we’re no longer married and I’m expected to be faithful to his cheating ass because I’m still his wife, then shouldn’t “his” money be “our” money until we’re no longer married?

2 thoughts on “Stupid Divorce Laws

  1. VA divorce law is messed up for sure. I say this as a fellow sufferer. I have been single, in fact if not by law, since December of 2015. No dating, not even any flirting (sure as hell no sex) while my STBX has gone through at least 3 women in that time frame. (I take a small and bitter pleasure that the one he was cheating with dumped him not long after I moved out. I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t care at all but I have to admit – while its light years smaller than it was- its still there.) I have reason to believe though – that I will finally be single by law at the end of January. You’ll hear me celebrating all they way over in Indiana on that day!! The STBX is currently working on getting back with his 3rd and lining up a 4th simultaneously. Not cool VA. Not fair in any way. But it is what it is and at least its almost over. I’m not sure if I envy you Sam. I’m so glad you are happy but I cannot even imagine trusting a man in a relationship sense again. I’m not, like, hostile to all men. There are some I consider friends but they are for the most part the spouses of my girlfriends. People ask me if I’ll date after the divorce and I tell them, I don’t believe in unicorns. And I don’t believe in single well adjusted men my age that want to date a special needs mom. And even if I did believe in them I’d be more interested in cleaning up after the unicorn that after another man. My life is good now – why would I want to mess with that? Still, those things you mention – someone to admire you, to support you, to just have fun with? Maybe I envy you just a little bit.


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