One Direction Brings Me to My Knees

Figuratively speaking, of course. I was driving at the time so I was sitting.

Here’s what happened: I was driving and listening to my iPod. Yes, I still own one of those. Most people are incredulous. Maybe it’s because I have one of the classic iPods. I love it! Ironically, it was a gift from CF.

The song, “Steal My Girl” by One Direction came on. I had downloaded it only a few days ago. It suddenly struck me that Rock Star and I would sing this at the top of our lungs while driving when we lived in Virginia. I was undoubtedly chauffeuring her from one event to another but I can remember it like it was yesterday. Pulling into the subdivision, the radio blaring, us singing. It seems a million lifetimes ago.

My eyes filled with tears as I realized that we don’t have those days anymore. I don’t know if it’s simply due to me working now, or if it’s because she’s always busy.

She has always been busy. She spent hours and hours away from home and at the gym from second grade through eighth grade. But then we would have our weekends away, having fun, exploring new places.

Once she entered high school she was once again busy- gymnastics, cheer, friends. I just felt more connected because I was always around. If she was downstairs in her room I was upstairs. I was there. If she was gone all day and most of the evening I was still the one driving her around, picking her up, dropping her off. I was there; I was available.

Maybe it’s not just that. Maybe her driving now and no longer needing me to take her places has changed things as well.

All I know is I had tears in my eyes as I listened to that song and tried to sing along once again. As I cursed CF and all that he took from us I wondered how on earth other women do it. How do they juggle raising kids and working? Some of them seem to love it even. I have found this to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do.

I’m trying really hard not to look back. What’s done is done. It can’t be undone. This is our new life. In many ways it’s not a horrible life. It could be so much worse. Until I can get to that point though where I completely drop the rope and no longer think about what should have been it continues to anger me at times. That is one of the biggest things I’m hoping to work on this year.

In the meantime, I sent a text to my daughter (not while I was driving, thank you very much) and told her I missed her. I told her about the song, and then I told her to send me her schedule for this week because I wanted to get together and do something, just the two of us.

9 thoughts on “One Direction Brings Me to My Knees

  1. There must be an epidemic of middle aged men dumping their first wives. It says to me that no woman should ever be dependent on her husband financially. If she is a sahm she should get a salary that she invests. Sadly, your story is one of millions.

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    1. Oh believe me, I’ve told my daughter to NEVER stay at home and raise her kids. She’s planning on being a nurse so she’ll have it a lot easier should she not take my advice and need to re-enter the work force. Hell, I’ve gone one further and told her not to rely on her husband’s salary- at all. If she makes $80,000 and he makes $100,000 I’ve told her to make sure she lives on $80,000. That way if he decides to take off on her she’s not suddenly left wondering how in the hell she’s going to make ends meet when he’s no longer contributing his paycheck.

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  2. We were latch-key kids wayyy before the term was coined. I started to learn to cook when I was 11 and was taking care of my younger brothers (Dad remarried 3 years post divorce- there was no affair- Mom left him). I look back now and those “hardships” made me the strong person I am now. No regrets.
    I’ve been a homemaker since I got married 29 years ago and I tell you that we mothers all look back when our kids are growing up and as they should need us less as they become more independent so they’re ready for life outside the safety of our home. It’s a blessing and not without a little nostalgic pang. Women who work and women who stay home, doesn’t matter. It’s the end of a season. Seeing my grown children be strong, on their own and happy is the reward of all those years of worry and doubt. Darling Sam, celebrate this accomplishment. It is YOURS. It belongs to YOU aloneXO❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think that’s at the heart of it, Sophia. It’s a rite of passage and it made me sentimental. It’s hard to tell at times what is due to natural growing up and gaining independence and what is due to CF and his poor choices. Thank you for your kind words, Sophia.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I fear this and I too look back and get angry at what he took from us. All the stress he put on me when our kids were babies. How he took those precious times from me and gave me so much worry and sadness. I think about how it could’ve been and how unfair it is to our children. He is involved more than your ex but it is on his terms. Always his terms. They’re never first. His fun is. He will give up his time with them for a good party….every time. The times goes by so fast and I feel sorry for people who don’t know what they have. These are their regrets. Never ours.
    I can only imagine these same tears will come to me one day too. Time flies and we must enjoy all the moments. Hugs to you.

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