Figuratively speaking, of course. I was driving at the time so I was sitting.
Here’s what happened: I was driving and listening to my iPod. Yes, I still own one of those. Most people are incredulous. Maybe it’s because I have one of the classic iPods. I love it! Ironically, it was a gift from CF.
The song, “Steal My Girl” by One Direction came on. I had downloaded it only a few days ago. It suddenly struck me that Rock Star and I would sing this at the top of our lungs while driving when we lived in Virginia. I was undoubtedly chauffeuring her from one event to another but I can remember it like it was yesterday. Pulling into the subdivision, the radio blaring, us singing. It seems a million lifetimes ago.
My eyes filled with tears as I realized that we don’t have those days anymore. I don’t know if it’s simply due to me working now, or if it’s because she’s always busy.
She has always been busy. She spent hours and hours away from home and at the gym from second grade through eighth grade. But then we would have our weekends away, having fun, exploring new places.
Once she entered high school she was once again busy- gymnastics, cheer, friends. I just felt more connected because I was always around. If she was downstairs in her room I was upstairs. I was there. If she was gone all day and most of the evening I was still the one driving her around, picking her up, dropping her off. I was there; I was available.
Maybe it’s not just that. Maybe her driving now and no longer needing me to take her places has changed things as well.
All I know is I had tears in my eyes as I listened to that song and tried to sing along once again. As I cursed CF and all that he took from us I wondered how on earth other women do it. How do they juggle raising kids and working? Some of them seem to love it even. I have found this to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do.
I’m trying really hard not to look back. What’s done is done. It can’t be undone. This is our new life. In many ways it’s not a horrible life. It could be so much worse. Until I can get to that point though where I completely drop the rope and no longer think about what should have been it continues to anger me at times. That is one of the biggest things I’m hoping to work on this year.
In the meantime, I sent a text to my daughter (not while I was driving, thank you very much) and told her I missed her. I told her about the song, and then I told her to send me her schedule for this week because I wanted to get together and do something, just the two of us.