I’ve had a bit of writer’s block lately. Nothing to report. No infidelity articles to snark about. Until today.
I came across someone writing a glowing report about an article that was posted in the New York Times Modern Love. Written by Karin Jones it is all about what she learned about infidelity by sleeping with married men.
I’ll save you the hassle of reading the article itself. It pretty much boils down to: Ladies, you suck! Or, don’t suck enough, as the case may be. It’s always about the sex. They’re just not getting enough and if only you puritanical types could let your husbands go off and fuck any random woman to get that “intimacy” met then everyone would be happy. You could keep your marriage and your upper middle class lifestyle, and he would never leave because he was getting all the sex he could ever want. From everyone. Sometimes maybe even you! Aren’t you lucky?
We all know they only stray because of the lack of sex, don’t we? And they are all poster children for the perfect husband aside from their proclivity to fuck random strange. It’s never because they’re unable to be satisfied, or entitled, or just have piss poor judgment and life skills. It’s never because they enjoy secretly getting one over on their partner. There is no thrill in knowing something she doesn’t know. Oh no! It always comes down to the wife not putting out enough.
Men, I apologize for being so general. I try to keep it gender neutral. My own love was cheated on more than once by his wife, so I know it’s not a men only thing. However, this article was written by a woman about unfaithful men with whom she was sleeping. I’m speaking only in terms of her article.
Back to the blog on WordPress. That writer praised Karin for being so brave. Yes, it’s so brave to admit you sleep with married men. Something tells me Karin is not one bit ashamed of that. I would bet money Karin feels rather hip and liberated, no longer chained to those old fashioned ideas that say adultery is wrong.
The writer admits he had two long term affairs (18 months) in his own marriage that ended in divorce, and he thinks Karin pretty much nails it! Surprise, surprise! It was all about the sex. If his wife had only put out more he wouldn’t have needed to cheat on her!
According to him he was an amazing husband. He helped out around the house, he was an active, involved father, he made good money, he never yelled at her, he complimented her, and most importantly, he worked out like a fiend so he could be in great shape for her. Plus, he’s pretty sure that he’s awesome in bed so it wasn’t that he just didn’t do it for her.
I’m being unkind. His second wife seems to be very happy with his performance sexually. Coincidentally, she loves having sex and they have tons of it, so it really must have been the ex-wife’s fault that he cheated.
He’s also created charts that show exactly how much sex he was having with his ex-wife and now, his new wife, so he knows he was only having sex with his ex about twice a month and now has sex 4-5 times a week. He’s even older now than he was when he was with his ex but just look at him go! It’s probably all that working out he did.
Hey, I wonder if his wife got fat and that was another reason he had to cheat.
Karin does ask the question: Why not just ask your wife for permission to have the occasional fling or casual affair?
My answer is: Silly Karin. They don’t ask permission because that would spoil the fun of knowing something your partner doesn’t know. They don’t ask permission because that might put a crimp in their lifestyle. They might find themselves splitting their 401k and paying child support. Even worse, if they’re allowed to go off and have the occasional fling then maybe their partner can go off and have the occasional fling as well, and that’s just not acceptable! Cheater gets all the cake! And the ice cream, too.
His response was predictable. He didn’t want to “hurt” people. Ending the marriage would be a “disaster” and would end up hurting everyone- his kids, his wife, his in-laws. He also recognized he would become a part-time dad. More on that in a minute.
In the end he decided that having an affair was the honorable thing to do. It was the only solution. He could keep his family together and get his sexual needs taken care of. What a swell guy! I’m sure his wife appreciated him cheating on her instead of manning up and divorcing her. Throw in an STD for an added bonus!
It is obvious that he and his wife were not sexually compatible. We could argue about whether or not that is a reason to divorce your spouse. Some people have a high sex drive; others have a much lower one. The two of them, of course, lament the fact that the lower libido spouse is always the one that controls how much sex is being had. Naturally they think that either the high libido spouse should rule, or that they should come up with a compromise. I don’t know what the correct answer is. I know what it isn’t. You don’t go off and have affairs and think that will solve things. You don’t go off and have affairs and then try to dress that up as you doing something honorable or helpful. You don’t blame the fact that you chose to have an affair on your spouse and their unwillingness to have sex.
This is where it gets interesting. In an earlier post he talks about how he was afraid that he would never be satisfied by just one woman and he brought that up to his new, future wife fairly early on in their relationship. He concludes, four years later, that he is entirely satisfied by this new wife. Yet, he and his new wife are swingers, or monogam-ish. He is so satisfied with his new wife with whom he has amazing sex 4-5 times a week that they both have sex with other people several times a month. I do not think that word means what he thinks it means.
Furthermore, in yet another post, they (they write this blog together) talk about a swinging event they had where she was very hurt by the fact that he got a blow job from a woman without her (the wife’s) consent or knowledge. So I guess being allowed to fuck anything that moves didn’t stop him from going behind her back. Which again brings us back to the oft recited: It’s the thrill of knowing something your partner doesn’t.
Stay tuned for Part 2!