College Visits

I mentioned previously that Rock Star and I are going on some college visits this week. I’m excited about them. I hope she enjoys herself.

I was feeling a lot of pressure to get them scheduled and done and I was kicking myself for waiting so long. Some people start as early as their junior year. I was thinking to myself, “Why in the hell didn’t I start this last year?” when the mobster so kindly reminded me that I was in no position to take her on any college visits her junior year.

Oh yeah! A lightbulb went off. Apparently, that year was so horrible I’ve erased it from my mind. Seriously though, at the beginning of her junior year I had no job and CF was paying no support. We had just been forced out of our house and moved 600 miles away. Both of my kids were transitioning into new schools. I was living off of savings. I was in no position to book plane tickets so that we could visit a college over 1000 miles away!

By December I was working two different part-time jobs, working up to 16 hours a day, and going in at obscenely early hours. I had no official time off and both of my jobs were retail jobs with weekend hours. Plus, I already needed to ask for several weekends off for court cases.

In January I began my full-time job. I had 8 days of vacation and had to hoard them for court days. I was still working 2 jobs. I was still getting up at 3:20 in the morning. I was still not receiving any support from CF. My two jobs made it possible for me to pay all of my bills and for us to eat.

In April I finally received back support and at that point college visits were the last thing on my mind. Seriously- I didn’t even think about it. Plus, I was still working two jobs and I still had to save up my days for upcoming court.

I got one full support check in May and from that point on, until December, CF paid small amounts whenever he wanted. A huge chunk of my back support went to pay my mother back. I paid off credit cards. And, of course, I did not receive steady support from him. I was in no financial position to take my daughter on college visits. Until January of this year.

So I’m trying hard not to beat myself up for not being on top of this. I’m not sure if she would have liked to have visited a couple more colleges. I know her first choice is the one we’re visiting this weekend. She’s trying to determine if she can tolerate the distance. I know a college visit won’t help with that, but maybe visiting the campus will help with her decision. If she falls in love with it she may decide she can tolerate the distance.

Why am I even writing about this? Because it’s yet another example of how cheating goes beyond husband and wife. It affects every member of the family. It has affected my daughter greatly.

It’s not just the college visits that didn’t take place until second semester of her senior year. It’s also the whole high school thing.

I know that high school, when put up against the rest of your life, is but a blip. Rock Star, however, had one hell of a blip back at her former school. It truly was a high school experience like the ones you see in the movies.

I also know that when you get right down to it she spent equal amounts of time at both schools. If she made fantastic friends at one school then she can make fantastic friends at another school, one would think. It hasn’t really panned out that way, though. I don’t know if she simply closed herself off because she was tired of losing people, or if things really were that different here. I do know, though, that she doesn’t have the same kind of friends she had back there. I don’t have girls spending the night and coming over all the time. She doesn’t meet up with friends before or after games. She doesn’t seem to spend much time with friends at all.

Her father took all of that away from her. For his own happiness.

It’s not all awful. We have a lot of good times, too. That doesn’t negate the fact that he stole a hell of a lot from her. He stole some of the best years of her life from her. He gave her everything a kid could want and then he snatched it away with only a few more years of her being supported by us remaining. He forced her to start a brand new life, leaving behind gymnastics and lifelong friends, only to turn around and force her to leave the new life behind. She no longer goes out with friends. She no longer has friends spending the night. I no longer hear her tell her teammates, “I love you! Miss you!” Her last senior night she spent crying because she had only me there, and didn’t have much to list on her senior bio because she didn’t start school here until the 11th grade. He left her in a life of poverty for a very long time. He walked away from her without a word, and all of his texts, to this day, are designed to try to make her feel guilty and to paint himself as a victim.

When people talk about affairs being a symptom of a bad marriage and not the actual problem, tell them about my daughter. When people say that kids are resilient and they’ll adjust, tell them about my daughter. When people say that no one should be forced to remain in an unhappy relationship and it’s no big deal to leave your spouse and kids, tell them about my daughter. When people tell you that they didn’t mean for their affair to happen, or that they just fell in love, or they can’t help who you fall in love with, or that they’re entitled to happiness, tell them about my daughter.


Why Aren’t They Married

For anyone who was taking bets on how long it would take for CF and Harley to get married I don’t know what to tell you. I would have sworn they would get married the instant the ink was dry on the divorce decree. It’s been 2 months now and as far as I know they remain not husband and wife.

Is it just not as much fun when they’re not married to other people? Have they been reading Chump Lady and realize that neither is a very safe bet?

I know what it is! I’m taking all of their money and they simply cannot afford a wedding worthy of all their amazing-ness. They’re going to need to scrimp and save for a while.

Then again, maybe the date is set and everything is being planned as we speak. I wouldn’t put it past them to get married on the day Rock Star graduates just to fuck with her. Or possibly the weekend after just to try to once again mess with her celebration and what should be the focus on her and her alone.

The reality is I don’t care. Marry the whore. Don’t marry the whore. It’s all the same to me. It all turns out the same in the end. She’s a lying cheater and he’s a lying cheater. Mazel tov!

In other news he has started paying me by online transfer between banks. Interesting. I try not to dig too deep and figure out why he does what he does, but I do find it interesting. I’m not sure if he’s tired of writing four checks a month to me, or he didn’t get the intended reaction with all of his envelope designs, or if ol’ Harley is getting on his ass about paying me so much money. I can hear her now, “My kids need more shiny stuff! Your kids can do without. Why are you paying your horrible ex-wife before I get to buy yet another Vera Bradley purse? You promised me and my kids the world!”

Ultimately the only thing I care about is the fact that he is, indeed, paying me. Three months straight now! And I already have the first payment for spousal support for this month. I try not to get too complacent because I know he could pull the support at any time but damn, I feel good!

Update: Turns out I got the answer to why he did the thing he did (i.e. paying me so quickly on the heels of his last check). He bounced a check! And quickly replaced it with a bank to bank transfer.

I really thought with his mom dying and the bounced check that I wouldn’t be paid anything in March. He surprised me though. Not only did he make up for the check he bounced, he also paid his entire support amount this month. Granted, he is now paying me in six different payments which is sometimes nerve wracking…. And it gets better.

Originally, he would send me $1000 and then $400, because the app he’s using has a limit of $1000/day. With this last payment he has decided to split it evenly- $700 and $700. Awesome. You know what? He’s paying and that’s all I really care about.