Fun With Menopause

Why do we not have group talks about menopause? I believe that if we can gather all the 4th or 5th graders across the country and tell them about their periods and how their bodies will be changing, then we can damn well gather up middle aged women and tell them what they have to look forward to in middle age and beyond! I didn’t think there was anything out there warning women about their new beards that come with the decrease in estrogen until I saw a sign for, “Menopause- The Musical” in Vegas. Seriously. But how many people can get to Vegas before that show runs its course?

I picture maybe a monthly or yearly meeting at a community center, or a nice luncheon at work once or twice a year. Maybe they could play a trailer at movies geared more towards the “older” crowd. There are ways! I don’t have all the details worked out but I don’t think it would be all that difficult. It would definitely need to include cocktails. And appetizers. Since community meetings and workday luncheons giving you the 4-1-1 aren’t a thing yet, allow me to help you out.

I’m not saying I’m in full blown menopause. Last time I went to the doctor I thought it was possible seeing as how I frequently skipped a period, but my blood work came back perfectly fine. That was right after finding out I was married to a lying, cheating douchebag. It’s been over 2 years since I last went in. Now? I don’t want to jinx it but I haven’t had a period since the end of October. You might remember that because I threw a fit. So there’s a tip for those of you who have regular periods still. Just throw a god awful fit; it apparently scares your body into cutting that sucker short and then refusing to return for a good six months!

Those missing periods? Those I don’t mind so much. I do really mind having to shave my beard every few days. What the hell? It never fails; I think I’ve got it all and then I take a look in a mirror at work with much harsher lighting and I see dozens of those hairs alongside my chin and down my neck. Gross!

Apparently it’s more difficult to lose weight once you hit menopause. I’ll let you know when I finally try it. Rock Star thinks we should start taking spin classes, Jazzercise, and kick boxing together so I’ll have data to share.

We’ve all heard about hot flashes, right? Those are fun! I’m hot. I’m cold. I’m hot again. Sweat dripping down my back. Then looking around desperately for a sweater. Oops, take that sucker off again because I’m once again burning up.

I get up earlier now. I don’t know if that’s a side effect of the divorce, or if it’s simply me getting older. I rarely sleep past 8 am, and most days, even on weekends, I’m up more between 6:30 and 7:30. I used to love to sleep in. Now it’s a rare occurrence.

I think one of my most favorite things (aside from the beard) are the pimples in the crease of my wrinkles. I love the juxtaposition of old skin problems and young skin problems. It’s practically art.

And the noises I make as I move now? Or the pain in my hip when I get out of my car after a long drive? Divine! I think the limping adds a little something extra.

Don’t get me started on the chronic farting. I can’t control it. I’m having a perfectly nice conversation with someone and I let one rip. I make a move to get out of a chair or out of a booth. Oops! Excuse me. Sorry ‘bout that. Fine, I don’t think I’ve ever actually farted mid-conversation. But the chair and booth? Oh, that’s happened. Maybe the farting is specific to me. So scratch that one. Unless you, too, are a middle aged woman entering menopause who farts constantly. Then it must totally be a thing.

I would love to know what else I can look forward. Alas, unless I can get myself to Vegas to watch that musical I may never know. Hey- maybe I could try Google! Do you think that’s why they don’t have quaint luncheons with cocktails to explain this whole “menopause” thing to us?

14 thoughts on “Fun With Menopause

  1. Thank you for mentioning the farting. I am so surprised by the sounds coming out of my southern hemisphere. Almost awed. I think I hit every musical note out there, and once my son asked me if the front door was opening due to the creaking. I just nodded and said, “uh huh must be.” Driving alone is freeing, especially in the warmer weather with the windows down. I had no clue I wasn’t the only one. I’m embarassed, but I have to say it makes me laugh.

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    1. I’ve belched songs and words before, but I’ve never farted a symphony. Well done, Lemondrop; well done! Sadly, I guess this farting as we age is a real thing. Damn!

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  2. Oh yeah the farting is totally a thing. I will admit to having gazed accusingly at some guy in the grocery, Lowes, etc store when the toxic smell totally originated with me on more than one occasion. You are in what a Dr would tell you is perimenopause. Where your period goes on long vacations but may still drop in unexpectedly at any time. Until you are a full year without they don’t count it as Menopause – although you do have most of the lovely symptoms… Other things to look forward to – Night sweats – hot flashes while asleep that allow you to more effectively soak an entire bed than a 2 year old going diaperless the first time, Insomnia – because why sleep through night sweats when you can stay up and be miserable during them, crazy insane mood swings whenever your body spastically decides to pump out all the hormones that usually cause a period “just because”, and the cap stone of this pile of fun? Your vajayjay turns into the Mojave desert during a particularly dry spell. That last one doesn’t bother me much since I’m totally not doing the man thing again ever. But you and the mobster have this to look forward to. Oh and since fat apparently stores estrogen if you do decide to take that spin class with Rockstar you can expect all of the above to go whack on you any time you do manage to burn some fat. Your welcome,

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    1. I was really hoping the farting was simply me but I guess not! Damn!

      Sadly, I did know you have to go a full year without periods before it’s officially menopause; however, I am enjoying these long breaks. Hopefully if it does show back up again it will once again be short lived and light. A girl can hope.

      I am not looking forward to my vajayjay turning into the Mojave desert. I’m hoping that is one that passes me by.

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    2. Yes.

      Everyone will tell you about the hot flashes but the cold flashes, which were my first signs of perimenopause, no one warns you about.

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  3. I didn’t get the farting thing but I put on 16 kg between the ages of 46 and 59, not slowly over time but like in one mad, hell bent rush to get fat! I guess my first inkling (because I was still getting regular periods) was because I wanted to cry all the time and my normal nature is very cheery. When I mentioned this to my doctor she said “if I were married to your husband I would want to cry all the time too” – which cheered me up no end. However, since this was towards the tail end of my appalling marriage I knew I couldn’t cope with both so went to see the gynae and willingly took HRT. Initially it was very strong in order to stop the periods and I was AS HORNY AS HELL – and it was wonderful. My husband had already left me at that point so I was able to put it to good use. I would look at small short far hair bus drivers and think “hallo BAAAABBBY”. I loved it. Of course I had to taper it down and I slowly got to the weakest dose. Off my own bat I now only take 2 tablets a week – which seems to keep me ticking over just fine. As my gynae said, it really is therapeutic for you isn’t it and I agree. Many don’t want to take HRT but I am eternally grateful for it (and I am regularly followed by my gynae).

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    1. If I were married to your husband I would want to cry all the time too- oh my God! That was hysterical.

      Hmmmm…. maybe my gaining weight isn’t due to quitting Target and no longer stocking shelves and unloading trucks or dragging around pallets. Maybe it’s my body’s way of saying, “Hey, you’re getting older. You need more fat.”

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  4. I think one of the reasons we don’t form a menopause club is that it would not be too happy a meeting as we would all be just whinging about our conditions. I am 10years now since my first hot flush and I can remember that so vividly as we were camping and it was zero degrees and I was boiling so decided to unzip my sleeping bag…then I froze…..then I got hot….then I froze…..then I got hot….then I froze……great camping trip that was…..
    Can I say that I have so many friends in my life, my age and older who have no menopause symptoms except the loss of periods…..and I hate them.
    I started HRT about 6 yrs ago. Hot flushes were so bad it made my body joints actually ache. HRT was wonderful as those symptoms all disappeared and I felt normal again. One year into HRT and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The chances of getting breast cancer from HRT back then were 20%.
    Guess what? I am now on tamoxifen which my oncologist says is for life. I am still in a long debate about this with her but I digress. Tamoxifen which blocks the hormone that causes cancer in my cells has evil side effects and so I live with aching hot flushes, mood swings, sleeplessness and dry dry skin….also hair loss on my head but not my chin…blah blah blah….
    There is a drug they prescribe to counter some of these side effects and even though it takes the edge of the symptoms it is a psych drug which sort of puts you in a funny place. I was on this drug called Effexor for a few years but I kept having out of body experiences so I decided to come off it. It took me six months to wean off it…..the weaning was more out of body feelings but now had the added benefit of daily diarrhoea. Yup….that was so much fun.
    Some days I am ok with the constant flushing and am finding I just need to learn some coping techniques other days and especially if I am feeling a bit frustrated then don’t anyone cross my path……is this what they call mood swings?
    I take so many herbs and supplements that my kitchen looks like a health food store. I do intermittent fasting as well as two complete fasting days a week. I do daily yoga
    . I do drink wine….mostly sticking to two glasses a night and sadly i have to say this is the one thing that works a treat cos then I don’t give a stuff about the hot flushes or mind wandering because that glass of wine is just so enjoyable.
    Ahhhh…..men o pause…….

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      1. No no no…….it all sucks and it helps us all to complain and talk about it and share our woes and triumphs….many have far worse symptoms than me. I honestly just wanted to share my experience is all……

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  5. I have a question for all you ladies – if we formed a menopause club would we meet monthly? Sorry I had to throw that joke in there.

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  6. I agree we should monthly meetings. It would make this journey so much easier. I go to accupuncture for my hot flashes night sweats and mood swings. It helps level out my moods and I rarely have my night sweats or hot flashes anymore. I hate those grow two inches overnight hairs on your neck. Where the heck do they come from????

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