Why do we not have group talks about menopause? I believe that if we can gather all the 4th or 5th graders across the country and tell them about their periods and how their bodies will be changing, then we can damn well gather up middle aged women and tell them what they have to look forward to in middle age and beyond! I didn’t think there was anything out there warning women about their new beards that come with the decrease in estrogen until I saw a sign for, “Menopause- The Musical” in Vegas. Seriously. But how many people can get to Vegas before that show runs its course?
I picture maybe a monthly or yearly meeting at a community center, or a nice luncheon at work once or twice a year. Maybe they could play a trailer at movies geared more towards the “older” crowd. There are ways! I don’t have all the details worked out but I don’t think it would be all that difficult. It would definitely need to include cocktails. And appetizers. Since community meetings and workday luncheons giving you the 4-1-1 aren’t a thing yet, allow me to help you out.
I’m not saying I’m in full blown menopause. Last time I went to the doctor I thought it was possible seeing as how I frequently skipped a period, but my blood work came back perfectly fine. That was right after finding out I was married to a lying, cheating douchebag. It’s been over 2 years since I last went in. Now? I don’t want to jinx it but I haven’t had a period since the end of October. You might remember that because I threw a fit. So there’s a tip for those of you who have regular periods still. Just throw a god awful fit; it apparently scares your body into cutting that sucker short and then refusing to return for a good six months!
Those missing periods? Those I don’t mind so much. I do really mind having to shave my beard every few days. What the hell? It never fails; I think I’ve got it all and then I take a look in a mirror at work with much harsher lighting and I see dozens of those hairs alongside my chin and down my neck. Gross!
Apparently it’s more difficult to lose weight once you hit menopause. I’ll let you know when I finally try it. Rock Star thinks we should start taking spin classes, Jazzercise, and kick boxing together so I’ll have data to share.
We’ve all heard about hot flashes, right? Those are fun! I’m hot. I’m cold. I’m hot again. Sweat dripping down my back. Then looking around desperately for a sweater. Oops, take that sucker off again because I’m once again burning up.
I get up earlier now. I don’t know if that’s a side effect of the divorce, or if it’s simply me getting older. I rarely sleep past 8 am, and most days, even on weekends, I’m up more between 6:30 and 7:30. I used to love to sleep in. Now it’s a rare occurrence.
I think one of my most favorite things (aside from the beard) are the pimples in the crease of my wrinkles. I love the juxtaposition of old skin problems and young skin problems. It’s practically art.
And the noises I make as I move now? Or the pain in my hip when I get out of my car after a long drive? Divine! I think the limping adds a little something extra.
Don’t get me started on the chronic farting. I can’t control it. I’m having a perfectly nice conversation with someone and I let one rip. I make a move to get out of a chair or out of a booth. Oops! Excuse me. Sorry ‘bout that. Fine, I don’t think I’ve ever actually farted mid-conversation. But the chair and booth? Oh, that’s happened. Maybe the farting is specific to me. So scratch that one. Unless you, too, are a middle aged woman entering menopause who farts constantly. Then it must totally be a thing.
I would love to know what else I can look forward. Alas, unless I can get myself to Vegas to watch that musical I may never know. Hey- maybe I could try Google! Do you think that’s why they don’t have quaint luncheons with cocktails to explain this whole “menopause” thing to us?