I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

As you probably know by now I read a lot of different blogs. I’ll be reading one and there will be a link that looks interesting at the bottom of it so I’ll click on it and I keep doing that and before I know it I am learning some very interesting things.

For example there are a lot of people out there who cheat, but instead of calling it that they like to say they are non-conformists, or they practice non-monogamy. They believe that most of us peons are way too sheltered to understand this new, enlightened way of conducting relationships and they will be looked down upon by the unwashed masses so they can’t dare breathe a word of it to anyone!

I’m probably one of those peons so more than likely I’m way off base here, but when I think of non-monogamy I think of someone who doesn’t want to date only one person. I think of someone who wants to play the field and not settle down. I don’t have a problem with that. I can’t think of a single reason that anyone would have a problem with that.

Here’s where it gets a little tricky. See, when they say they prefer non-monogamy what they really mean is, “I don’t have a problem with fucking your spouse.” I don’t know about the rest of you but I think that’s a whole lot different from, “I prefer not to settle down with one person.”

You feel free to go out and fuck as many people as you want to; I won’t judge you for it. When you start fucking my spouse? I’ve got a huge problem with that.

Polyamorous? Open marriage? Swinging? New piece of ass in every city? Knock yourself out. If both people know about it and both people are on board who am I to say you’re wrong? I wouldn’t want it for myself but I’m not going to judge someone who does. Obviously, I would not be a good fit for someone like that as a romantic partner; however, I would have no problems being friends with them. I’m not going to shun anyone.

The problem arises when the so-called non-conformist wants to “non-conform” with someone else’s spouse. You know what’s going on. The cheating spouse knows what’s going on. The only person who doesn’t know what’s going on is the duped spouse. That person is being lied to and betrayed. That’s not okay.

Frankly, I don’t want to hear the tired old line about you not making vows to the betrayed spouse. You know your non-conforming buddy is married. You know the spouse doesn’t know and hasn’t given consent. You’re still fucking that person. It’s a shitty thing to do to another human being. Period.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but fucking someone else’s spouse without their knowledge is not edgy and non-conforming; it’s selfish. People aren’t against non-conforming relationships. They’re against people having a non-conforming relationship with their spouse. Again, open relationship, polyamory, swinging… Two (or more!) consenting adults can do whatever they choose. They’re not prejudiced against non-monogamy. You want to keep your options open, good for you. They’re not, however, excited about you being non-monogamous with their spouse. That’s an asshole move. You want to label that as non-monogamy and non-conforming instead of what it really is- cheating? That’s an asshole move, too. As well as being dishonest. Most people don’t like dishonest assholes.

6 thoughts on “I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

  1. As usual Sam… you hit the nail on the head. Tell it! 🙏🏻

    “Consensual non monogamy” seems to be the term of art thrown around. I have zero objections to that provided that ALL parties consent. If, however, you are in a CNM relationship with a married person and you have not heard directly from that person’s spouse that they do indeed consent, then you ARE NOT in a CNM. You’re in the middle of an affair.


    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think some of these folks give themselves these sophisticated labels to make themselves feel superior and elevated and enlightened. But they’re really hot messes with daddy issues and horrific self esteem using sex for validation. “I’m not a slut, I’m non-monogamous”. It’s word salad and it’s pure bull shit.

    My mil goes to ashrams, gets reiki people to remove her head from her ass, does yoga, has a machine that lets her hang upside down. She’s more enlightened, more spiritual, more healing than anyone because she spends money on these things, see? But behind this new age-y curtain is an insecure bitch who triangulates her loved ones, manipulates and is horribly cruel. Horribly cruel and always self serving, incapable of love or emotions. If anyone dares to point it out, she has a serene creepy smile on her face, reminds them that she’s the only person in the room who’s a licensed therapist and says namaste. The labels and bad jewelry and ugly hippy sandals are the emerald city, but the wizard is a very damaged puppeteer who’s greatest fear is to be exposed as a fraud. So quick call it something that sounds awesome and move along folks.

    I remember reading the stupid emails the ow sent wh, (her boss) (and a very exact mini me of above mil) where she said “we are good people I’m a good person” in regards to the affair – a lot. By giving herself that label, she absolved herself. If I keep saying it, it’s so much easier than having to be it. It’s all mental gymnastics and – look there’s a squirrel! – confusion tactics meant to make the listener doubt him/herself.

    Don’t you notice it so much more now?

    Happy Mother’s Day everyone !

    Liked by 3 people

  3. As a polyamorous person for many years, thank you for this clear and reasonable take on the problems that labeling one’s self as “consensual non-monogamous” does nothing to solve.

    I’ve been asked many times to be part of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship, and I always decline. If a potential partner’s lover does not want to meet me or know anything about me, I CAN’T trust the guy (so far, it has always been a guy) is a) telling the truth and b) actually appraising his partner of any risks. It would violate my ethics to not talk with someone’s partner and make sure everything is actually ok.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I absolutely respect that. As I’ve said many times I have no problems with people who choose open marriage or polyamory. So long as everyone is in agreement and no one is being lied to and deceived I figure you’re consenting adults and can do whatever you choose.


  4. I completely agree with this. CNM is thrown around way too flippantly.
    Can I just add though, that this post is very scathing of the person sleeping with the married person (fair enough). The person with the clueless spouse needs just as much vitriol.


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