Missing the Affair Partner… One More Time

I believe I have written about cheaters who miss the affair partner (here, here, here, here, and here) and wish for understanding and sympathy. I haven’t been very gentle about that. #sorrynotsorry

I thought I would try it again after reading a comment on another blog. The comment was basically that most men have a bond with the other woman and that they’re put in this Catch-22 situation where they’re supposed to be open and vulnerable with their wives but gosh darn it, no one seems to understand how much they miss that ho. And no one is sympathetic to that. No one understands what a loss that is. Rats!

I’m going to try to reply to this with a level head and like I really care that a lying cheater misses his morally bankrupt whore. How am I doing so far? LOL I’m just yanking your chain. I know that is not very level headed of me. Do I get points for recognizing that? I can’t help it. I’ve been hurt before…

Seriously though. This is my thought process. No one wants to hear that the person you love is missing someone that caused you so much grief and agony.

It would be like if my boyfriend/husband had a friend. Let’s call him Charlie. And he did tons of stuff with Charlie- going out to dinner, skiing, golfing, hunting, meeting for beers after work. Then one day Charlie rapes me, or beats the shit out of me and puts me in the hospital. I press charges against Charlie and he goes to prison. And then my partner sighs wistfully and tells me with tears in his eyes, “Gosh, I’m really going to miss Charlie. We always had so much fun together.”

Are you fucking shitting me? Maybe instead of reminiscing about all the fun you had drinking beer, eating hot wings, and playing bar trivia with Charlie, you should focus on the grievous injury he caused me!

“Gosh, Sam, you don’t seem to even try to understand that I’m hurting, too. I’ve suffered a loss- a real loss.”

Yeah, I suffered a concussion and several broken bones. I’ll try to be more understanding while I’m going through physical therapy.

This interloper has helped to cause endless amounts of turmoil. Many times they are at the forefront, taunting the wife. He loves me. If you were giving him everything he needed at home he wouldn’t be with me. He wants me, not you. I love him too much to ever walk away. If he wanted this to end, he would end it, but he doesn’t so there is no way I’ll ever walk away.

You betray us with this person and then you want sympathy because you have to give her up. Please understand that I miss this person who has caused you so much pain. I have a bond with her! I feel a real connection.

It’s a wonderful feeling knowing that you are not enough. Knowing that even though your partner supposedly wants to work things out with you that he’s still missing his affair partner and mourns the loss of her. He may always yearn for her and what could have been, and you’re expected to be okay with that and to tell him you understand. Tell me more. Cry on my shoulder. Would a threesome help? How about if I just let you bring her on over and you can fuck her right in our bed? Feeling better? Great! Sorry, I know that’s not very level headed. I’m trying to be nice.

Another reason your partner might not be so sympathetic to your plight? She loves you; you have her undivided loyalty. She does not have yours. While you are first in her life, she has been placed in the backseat for your mistress. You’ve probably shared secrets about her with this other woman. You may have even told her lies about your partner. She has not done that to you and yet she is supposed to be understanding. She doesn’t know for certain that if she and the mistress were both trapped in a burning building that you would rush to save her before the mistress. Maybe she would die while you tried to figure out a way to save them both.

This bond that you speak of between you and your mistress comes at the expense of your supposed primary relationship. If she never agreed to a non-monogamous relationship then she probably doesn’t buy into your explanation that your love is not like a pie, where there is only so much to divvy up and as more and more people enter the picture, the smaller the slice you get. No, rather your love continues to expand, much like a parent can love more than one child.

The problem with that is most people don’t consider their relationship with their partner to be similar to their relationship with their child. It is definitely a pie situation.

I find it difficult to believe that you can be all in with two or three or four different people. No, what generally happens is that each person gets a little part of you, but no one ever gets the whole you. Or in the case of affairs, one person meets 90% of your needs while the other person meets 10% but you believe that that 10% is so much more valuable than the 90% your partner offers up.

That’s about all the niceties I can do. My real thought process on this is that if you miss your mistress so much then go to her. Stop wasting my time. I deserve to be happy, too; being invested in a person who is mooning over a whore does not make me happy. You are not the only person in this relationship and your feelings and wants are not the only ones that need to be considered. Go to your mistress and let’s see if you explain to her that while you’ve chosen her she still needs to understand that you miss me very much and you shared a very deep bond with me.

I doubt it. That’s not usually what you read. It’s more along the lines of: My affair partner is simply fabulous. She (or he) is everything my spouse is not. She (or he) understands me. We have an ethereal connection.

There is no missing the primary partner. There is no thought of the primary partner. Only the affair partner.

I don’t think most cheaters would enjoy being compared to someone else. I don’t think they would appreciate hearing how their partner misses how much fun she used to have with Marco because he always took her to such amazing places. Or how she really misses Blake’s money and all that he used to buy for her. Or how fantastic Owen was in bed. Or that Ben just gets her and you don’t.

Your wife/girlfriend/partner doesn’t enjoy that either. And yet the expectation is understanding, sympathy. You poor lamb. You must be in terrible pain.

I can admit without a shred of embarrassment that I am a possessive and jealous person. I do not share. I have no interest in sharing. The mobster knows this about me. He knows that if he wants a non-monogamous relationship that I am not the woman for him. He knows that if he lies about wanting a monogamous relationship in order to “win” me and then fucks around on me that I will end the relationship without a second thought, and that there will be no second chances. He also knows that it is a two way street. I will never be unfaithful and I would never expect, nor even ask for, a second chance if for some unknown reason I did do the unthinkable.

I like to tease him about our conversations way back in the beginning when we first began talking. I don’t think either of us really thought this would go anywhere so we were free to talk about anything and to be very open and honest about it. In one of our first conversations I remember him telling me he would always love his wife. I even still have a text message where he made that comment.

You know what I thought to myself when I heard that? No, it wasn’t, “Oh, I’m going to change his mind!” It was, “He is not relationship material.” I was not going to compete with the memories of his wife. I was not going to get involved with yet another person who longed for someone else yet settled for me.

I was in a relationship for 20 years where I was basically ignored, thrown under the bus, and never made a priority. He never stuck up for me. He cheated. He didn’t respect me as a person. And he probably mooned over Harley while I tried to be understanding and forgiving and worked on all of my faults in order to repair our relationship. I will never accept that again.

If the mobster truly believed that he would always love his wife then he was free to do so. Quite honestly there was no way that I could ever stop it. But if that’s how he felt then we would never evolve beyond friends because I was not going to share again, and I would not be put in second place yet again. If I ever chose to date again then I was going to have that man’s undivided attention. He would have no torn loyalties. There would be no, “I love you but you need to understand….” in regards to another woman. You can love her all day long but you need to go along your way and leave me the fuck alone because I don’t share and I sit at the head of the table.

When you ask your partner to sympathize with you because you’re missing your affair partner, or to recognize the fact that you have a bond with that other person, you are asking your partner to take second place. You are telling your partner that he or she is not enough for you. Your loyalties are divided. We are left always wondering, “If you left me and went to your affair partner would you miss me like you miss her (or him)?”

5 thoughts on “Missing the Affair Partner… One More Time

  1. I’m left to wonder if I miss K or whether I feel so shitty for my betrayal, secret-keeping, and escalating series of lies that I’m looking to justify my behavior by imagining a sense of intimacy with K. I wonder if it is just emotional hangover from residual guilt. The weight of carrying that much bullshit eventually warped my perception of self and my motivations.

    Both C and K received an ugly dose of my Ugly. They have theirs, but I’m only responsibile for mine.

    Thought providing post. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The only “favor” my husband’s whore did for me was to go full frontal Bunny Boiler. The horror of what we were put through instantly evaporated any lingering feelings my husband might have had for her.

    Liked by 1 person

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