Sweet baby Jesus! I just wrote a five part series about the beauty of maintaining no contact and now I need to remember that advice desperately; I need to commit that shit to memory. This is me taking my own advice. I’m going to tell you my story and get it all out here on my blog so I don’t say something to that colossal asshat I was once married to. Believe me I am dying to let loose on him.
“What’s happened, Sam?”, I can hear you all asking.
I don’t want to talk about it.
Oh, you know me so much better than that. Of course I’m going to tell you.
CF, aka The Cardboard King, finally sent me child support for July. You know how it is. He sends it when he feels like. He is completely in control.
You would think he couldn’t really pull any stunts with Venmo. I mean, back in the good ol’ days of snail mail we had the catchy little designs on the envelopes, the stop payments, the bounced checks. It was always an adventure. Then we switched to Zelle and that was pretty low key. Probably too low key for an asshole like him. I simply got an email from the bank notifying me of the transfer. Thanks to Rock Star losing my debit card we’re now doing Venmo and boy, is he having fun. You can write little messages so that people know why you’re paying them. Usually you see things like, “Bridesmaid dress”, or “Soccer dues”, or “Dinner and drinks”. Not so with him. You can even use emojis. CF really likes the emojis.
He must be furious that child support is going the way I said it would and not the way he decreed it would be.
You will take half, and no more. Read the papers, you worthless peasant! I am your master. Bow before me!
I’m all like, “Yeah, that doesn’t really work for me. Let me get back to you on that.”
And I did get back to him on that. Or rather my lawyer did. Surprise! I was right and he was wrong! For my efforts he invited me to a UFC fight!
I had received alimony from him but I figured he wouldn’t send a child support payment until he had the new order. You know, because it’s so much better to be hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars behind in child support rather than only a few hundred. He did surprise me, though. As I was leaving work, setting off to spend the weekend with the mobster I noticed he had sent a payment. Sometimes Venmo shows up on my home screen; sometimes it doesn’t. This time it didn’t and I happened to see it in email. Nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised, thinking he wouldn’t send another cent until he had a court order.
Then I see the message he wrote:
Child support July 2018 (original amount absent pending revisionist history).
Your attorney has not given me the new $$$ required to keep you and the Potato Chip Squire living comfortably and able to meet up. When that amount is determined… then the amount will change.
I will admit I completely missed the first line, which would have given me ample notice that this was not some joking around by the ex. Forgive me; I was distracted by all the emojis! The second line had me scratching my head. Nice little shield emoji but I kept thinking to myself, “Why is he calling Picasso the Potato Chip Squire?” My boy’s got a gaming problem but to the best of my knowledge he has no potato chip addiction. I had to read it two or three times before it finally dawned on me.
Oh! He’s referring to the mobster! My love!
Here’s the background: I was married to a man who would become a production manager at a corrugated plant. Corrugated, for those of you not in the know, is NOT the same as cardboard, which is why I’m referring to him as the Cardboard King. He HATES it when people call corrugated cardboard. For a quick lesson on the difference please refer to Google or Wikipedia. I’m not going into it. I do want to point out, however, that I was a dutiful wife and I listened to many stories over the years about corrugated, fluting, folder gluer machines, Flex-O machines, corrugators (not the same as corrugated) starch, and the like. I know the difference.
I am now dating a man who owns his own business. He has a route and sells crackers, chips, nuts and the like. Ergo, the Potato Chip Squire. If anything the man is more of a Pretzel Squire, I would imagine. Or maybe even a Knight of Crackers. Sir ToastChee has a nice ring to it, I think, although I am more partial to the peanut butter and honey combination.
How insulting! All of it- the implication that I use child support to go meet up with the mobster, trying to diss his job, accusing me of “revisionist” history.
So far I have let it go. I was going to reply as soon as I stopped for gas. But I have not. I keep repeating the mantra: Any kibbles are good kibbles to people like him. But I can reply here!
The problem with hitting him back hard is that I only get one shot, and as usual he has provided me with so much material.
Child support July 2018 (original amount absent pending revisionist history).
Revisionist history? Are you shitting me? Does the Boy Genius not realize that if child support was indeed supposed to decrease by half as he insisted it did that I would not be able to go back and recalculate it?
Hey, Dipshit! Yeah, you or any of your minions if they’ve managed to find my blog. Did you forget that you were imputed at $170,000? I know your law degree from Imaginary U must be stellar, but give me a minute to slowly explain something to you.
NOTHING has changed about our situation. There is no “revising history”. This is not me taking you back to court because you got a new job and make more money. You were never going to be allowed to simply cut child support in half. That is not the way child support works. You don’t pay $500 for one child, and $1000 for 2 children and $1500 for 3 children. Our incomes are added together, health insurance is thrown into the mix, and through the magic of court calculations a percentage of our income is allotted for child support. That’s for one kid. When you throw in a second kid you have a higher percentage going towards child support. But it’s never doubled or tripled or quadrupled, based upon the number of kids you have.
I will again point to Exhibit A, your own words, when you “man-splained” to me how support was going to work.
My lawyer told me I’ll be paying you $X until Rock Star graduates. Then it will be $Y until Picasso graduates, and then I will pay you $Z.
Your own lawyer told you three years ago it wouldn’t decrease by 50%. Now because I tell you the same thing you’re suddenly rebelling. Or maybe you just thought you could fuck me over once more. She’s so stupid she’ll never realize it’s not cut in half; all I’ll have to do is say so and she’ll believe me.
Or how’s this for revisionist history?
Back in December, crying to Rock Star:
The minute Rock Star graduates:
Is that revisionist history or are you just a liar?
How about we go all the way back to the early days after DDay when you told me:
I know you will take a hit financially but you will be well provided for, we both know that. My attorney has you covered for the rest of your life.
I’m not surprised that’s changed though. I don’t think you understand what a lifespan is, judging by how casually you toss out the phrases for life and the rest of my life.
Listen, Buckaroo, I’m sure you’re really disappointed that things aren’t going the way you thought they would. I realize you’ve got a whore to keep out of jail and she undoubtedly saw big dollar signs when your daughter graduated. $900 more per month for her to spend on her kids! Or on tanning! Or going on vacation! Or on a wedding! And then I have to come along and spoil it. #sorrynotsorry
Nice dig, trying to imply I’m extorting more money out of you (aka making you pay what you are legally required to instead of letting you call the shots) so that I can meet up with the mobster. Yes, because God knows it’s not like I now have to support two kids on less money. As I’m sure you know once Rock Star graduated she instantly became independent. A money tree sprung up in the backyard. Sadly, it appears to only let her pluck the bills off of it’s branches. I’ve got a goose that lays golden eggs and a pig that spits diamonds. We’ve also managed to find a tiny leprechaun that leaves gold coins on our pillows. I’d love to tell you more but I have to go feed my unicorn.
You know what the funny part is, people? I took a screenshot of his message and sent it to the mobster He had the exact same reaction that I did: Why is he calling Picasso the Potato Chip Squire?
We both were focused on the fact that child support is for the children. Not Cousinfucker, though. Nope, he’s all about keeping his money in his pocket. I couldn’t possibly be thinking about Rock Star and Picasso. Nope, it must be all about having enough money to meet up with the mobster.
With that in mind here are a few other retorts I would love to toss out. I chose to respond in meme.
And my favorite (and the one I’m still debating replying with, sans meme, of course):
The mobster’s favorite retort to CF’s taunts?
As for this nonsense: When that amount is determined… then the amount will change?
Oh, Cardboard King, as my lawyer would say, you are cute as a button. Where did you get your law degree again?
I’m not a genius like he is but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that. First of all, despite what he believes he doesn’t get to modify child support based on his own whims. That brings us to the second point. If he hasn’t modified child support, legally, then doesn’t he still owe me the full amount? Isn’t it standard that until the new contract is signed the old contract is still in effect?
I was telling this story to my hair stylist today and one of her co-workers was listening in as I told her how he had calculated child support for Rock Star down to the half hour and had cut support in half once she graduated. The poor woman sat there with a stunned expression on her face.
“Doesn’t he know that’s not the law? That’s not how it works!”
I nodded sympathetically. His antics are unbelievable for the uninitiated; I’m a pro at it by now. Nothing he says or does shocks me. I assured her that he is the smartest man in the world; he knows everything. He doesn’t need no stinkin’ judge, or petty ass court order telling him what to do! He is in charge! He makes the rules and tells me how it’s going to be; I need to shut up, sit down and follow along with whatever he says.